I expected this from biddies in the street but not.......

[staylucky]

My mother!

Didn't manage to bf past a week with dd (now 5) as there was justno support from my useless partner & midwife. This time round new partner (who is lovely!) and much nicer midwife have made things much easier. My son is 4 weeks old and apart from the shock of near constant feeding and sleep depravation All over again we're getting there.

My mum however is horrified by my bf my son. I just can't explain why she hasn't exactly been nasty about it but will leave the room if I start to feed him and just gets all embarressed and wierd. I could really do with her support right now I would kill for someone at the end of the phone to talk to but she's clearlynot going to be that person.

To be honest it starting to make me feel a bit shy about feeding in front of people I mean I've only had visitors at the house so far but really want to make a go of this so will need to bite the bullet and do it in public at sone point. If my own mums wierded out by it how on earth can I sit in the local park or go roun the shops bf?!

For the record she's 50 and of course bottle fed me and my brother.

Thanks fr this board by the way is great am getting loads of tips just lurking. X x x x

Must admit to being very surprised at her attitude to bfing and the whole giving birth thing! She is unusually young for qualifying (usually they prefer more mature students), and I honestly think that unless a woman has been through pregnancy/birth etc they can't possible really understand what its like. Some of the comments she makes about her patients make me cringe. Having said that - she is a really lovely person and I am sure is very caring with her patients

"Some of the comments she makes about her patients make me cringe"

That's simply not acceptable, and if you feel brave, you could challenge these comments. Maybe she is not quite as lovely a person as you think

My goodness I cant believe the comments I have read, espeically the one from Tiktok about the unsupporting grandmother wow. I am glad that i have a supporting family who would have encouraged me had bf gone to plan.

Moondog he said it long before I had a baby...I never fed in front of him and I was very clear that I would be very angry if he ever talked about it again.

tiktok I am amazed at your story about the family you counselled. I have one DD, only 10m, but I know already that if she ever has babies of her own I will support whatever decision she comes to. If she asks, I will tell her that i think bf is the best thing you can do but will support her unconditionally whatever she wants to do.
How any mother could do that to her own daughter....

Staylucky, sorry about your mother's attitude. Please don't worry about feeding in public though. Most people don't notice and if they do, usually give you a smile.

It constantly amazes me that everyone is convinced mothers WANT to starve their own children.

My FIL kept saying 'ah he's hungry, give him a bottle' with both DCs and won't be in the room with me if I'm feeding (suits me). DH has been supportive but it does rub off on him a little .

Now that DS2 is 5 months everyone thinks he needs solids and that I'm making some point by not giving them to him.

The hozzies are all for it but look at the support for it. Its near to nil.

Also if you continue past 6 months you are made to feel a leper by others.

My mum didnt mind how I fed but got weirded out after the 6 months mark and said isnt it time to stop that.

Oh and if out with her she didnt like me feeding in public and got very embarrassed over it. Her generation said it was done at home only. Well sod that babs needs fed so babs got fed there and then. She soon got used to it though.

self weaned at nearly 3

Posie, he sounds utterly repellant. What did your dh say? Idoubt Icouldexchangecivil words with such a vile old swine.

tiktok - I do challenge EVERYTHING she says (I'm a manager in NHS and work closely with midwifery services). I think part of her attitude is because of the cynicism of the people who she is working with, that she's very influenced by them because of her inexperience etc. I've known her for 16 years now, and know that she is a lovely person.

And just to make clear - she has never made any comments which would put patient confidentiality at risk

I was thinking of these stories while doing the hoovering . When dd1 was 3.5 mos old I went to a christening/naming ceremony for 2 babies and it was the first time I bf in front of a large number of people I didn't know.

The grandmother of one of the babies (and mum of DH's close buddy) sat on a couch next to me later in the day and cooed over dd1 then said, 'you keep feeding her that way love. You are making gold top.' Then cast her eyes toward her DIL and sniffed 'some people can't wait to get them on a bottle so that they can go out again.' I was like this: at the second remark but also felt so proud with her first comment as I was the only one there with a baby who was still breast feeding.

At the time my confidence was just being rebuilt after it was destroyed by the HCPs who looked after us post natally.

well what I was trying to say is that some MILs can be v supportive too. Though mine is, well, meh, when it comes to our parenting choices but then again DH and I are too old to care about her opinions.

My mum is quite supportive about breastfeeding but just worries about me. She wasn't able to bf me and my sister as we were both very premature, and in her opinion we turned out ok . Therefore, when I was feeding DD CONSTANTLY for the first few weeks, and when I got mastitus 3 times with DS, she was worried about me and asked me on a number of occasions if it wouldn't just be easier to ff. For me, bf was just something I really had to do however tired and ill it made me initially, but sometimes with your own mother (and DH sometimes) it can be hard for them to see you feeling like sh*t!
IL's however think I'm some kind of freak cos I bf my daughter til 11 months - but I just ignore them!!!!
My family are all now completely chilled out about bf, and we all sit around chatting whilst I'm feeding. The only problem is DS (5 months) thinks he's missing out and keeps stopping feeding to join in!

I bf both of mine. First one was very timidly but by the second I just didn't care. bf in Pizza Hut, in the back of church, on the bus... just anywhere I felt like it (with a carefully placed shawl).

But when I came across family critics the best ready-response I had, which I actually used, was "Dad/men walk around all day with their hands in their pockets and nobody says a word to them!" . It shut them up every time & left their minds to wander onto something a bit more dubious.

If you get embarrassed, just use humour!

And Well Done for sticking with it!

I actually find breastfeeding in public easier than in front of my family. If it is in a restaurant I know I will never see the people again so who cares what they think. Also, I find strangers are more likely to be polite than family. Even if most people find it slightly strange they won't say anything whereas family don't hold back. In fact I find I get more looks of approval from strangers than distaste.

My mother strongly disapproves of my tits out approach to breastfeeding but I always try and think that if I am comfortable DS will be comfortable and then he feeds better and is happier.

Ignore your mother (or at least try to) and just go for it. Just the fact that you have done it will give you confidence.

Good luck !!

Hi OP
I just wanted to share my experience with you.
I desperately wanted to BF DS but had a traumatic birth and looking back now was probably in shock. DS was jaundiced and had to stay in hospital for 5 days as he was under photo lamp. What no one told me was that jaundiced babies need to feed more frequently as they get dehydrated. I ended up with mastitis on antibiotics as well as having SPD throughout pregnancy which didn't subside for a few months.
In addition DS had a tongue tie and wasn't latching on properly which was why it was so bloody painful. However despite my telling various midwives and my HV I didn't get much support.

My HV was visiting every week as I was high risk for PND which I did end up with(not related)

Anyway my toxic mother and grandmother came to stay to "help" for a week when DS was 3 weeks old. They basically badgered me into giving DS bottles until I eventually gave up BF completely 3 weeks later as my supply was drying up although I didn't know it at the time. I still feel incredibly sad about it and wish that I had had the confidence to stand up to them.

My mother was also 54 at this stage and bottle fed me and my siblings as did my grandmother.

I hadn't found MN at this stage and the site is brilliant for supporting bf. I also wish that there was more bf support groups who visit in hospital (rather than the bloody annoying Bounty woman) so that you had a link to a face rather than a phone number from HV saying give them a ring if you need them.

Anyway sorry for the long post but keep going if that is your choice!Its your baby not your mother's. Sounds like you are doing brilliantly

Dear staylucky, it can be extremely difficult when you are breastfeeding without support. Keep up the good work! Somehow it feels harder when the lack of support is from your mother (or at least it did feel that way to me). I have had frequent comments during my bf relationship with dd. My mother could not see why I did not just give her a bottle from very early on. I was determined to bf (with a great deal of support from partner).

I also found La Leche League very helpful. In addition to a useful website, they also have a 24 hr telephone line so you can talk things (anything) through with a breastfeeding counsellor who also "happens" to be a mother who has breastfed for a year. This proved a source of support to me; perhaps it could also help you.

They also have meetings.

As others have suggested, do try talking again to your mother. IME the choices we make as mothers can be (mis)interpreted by other mothers as a criticism of their own choices. If you can explain things in a calm (? is there a calm moment with a 4week old?) moment, do try. Otherwise, I encourage you to keep up with your breastfeeding, find your support elsewhere and go with your mother's strengths (if support of your bf is not one of them). Hope this helps.

PS I can provide the telephone helpline if you like.

Hi staylucky - just to add my two pennies. With my DD (my first - now 7 months old) - in the early days I could not imagine how I would ever feed in public - and I remember meeting up with my NCT lot when she was 4 and a half weeks old and begging persuading them to come back to mine for a cuppa instead of the park cafe so I could feed her there! To be honest - it took me until about 9 weeks until I felt totally comfortable feeding in public, and I think it was all to do with getting more comfortable and DD getting bigger and more able to manoeuvre herself to the boob IYSWIM. I'm still EBF now (we're BLW as well) and now happily feed anywhere and everywhere. My DH is constantly in awe of how you really can't see anything.

Weirdly - like another poster - the one person I'm not comfortable feeding in front of is my dad. No idea why - Mum tells me he'd be fine with it - but I just feel odd. V strange.

Anyway - you're doing brilliantly. Don't listen to other people and try not to let other's opinions stop you doing what you want to do. Parenting is so emotive - everyone has a sodding opinion!

Same with me, a bit odd in front of my best mate who is a bloke, but just plain weird in front of my Dad - and again, my Mum says he'll be fine.

Just wanted to back you up too, I still double take at breastfeeding women but that's all it is (mixed with total envy unless they are struggling as badly as me!) - we're just not used to it YET. I do, however, have to stop myself from staring at BOTTLEfeeding women whilst wondering "why?" (and I don't mean that in a judgemental way, being on the verge of begrudgingly joining their ranks). I am, however, still not a nice enough human being not to scowl at pregnant smokers!

As for the olds, don't forget at some point (WWII?) they were told ff was better.

"Gold top"... gorgeous!

I am amazed that in 2009 there still seem to be large numbers of people out there (of the older generation) who disapprove of breastfeeding in public. We are miles behind some other European countries in this respect where they really wouldn't bat an eyelid. I breastfed everywhere - planes, trains, coffee shops, carparks, restaurants etc. and no-one ever looked at me disapprovingly. After a few weeks, I stopped bothering to cover up with a shawl or blanket as baby covered me up very well herself. I only got bored of bf'ing in public when DD started, at six months, to get very interested in what was around her and it would take a month of Sundays to get any milk into her. I was outraged when I went to an RHS place (full of OAPs) and they had some cosy little hideaway in the tea-room for mothers to feed their babies. The implication was that you wouldn't want to do it in public. I made sure I sat in the most obvious place in the room. The only people who had any problems, and really it was just mild embarrassment, with my bfing in public were my in-laws. And I just ignored them. I think some British women are still too shy of bfing in public and ought to be braver about it. I was queuing in a motorway service station for the baby change the other week and a lady behind me told me a story about how she had been forced to wait for half an hour outside a baby change once, whilst covered in poo, because a woman inside was bfing her baby and refused to let her in. I was not only surprised that she hadn't told the woman in question where to stick it, but also that the woman couldn't bfeed somewhere else.

Can't believe some of the stories on this thread.

I agree your mum's problem is not generational. It is her problem and nobody else's fault.

I fed both my boys in public until they were about 18months old and I never had any negative comments. So ignore your mother and get out there and be normal. Tbh, most people don't even notice you're breastfeeding. They just see a baby being cuddled.

Well done for sticking with the b/f this time around. I do think there is some guilt at play in the way mothers and grandmothers apply the pressure to f/f. Sometimes they act as though your decision to b/f is an implicit criticism of the way they did things - or more specifically a way in which they failed you when you were a baby - and so instead of being glad for your informed choice they try to enforce the same upbringing on your baby.

There's also a control element - wanting to have the baby to themselves sometimes, which only a bottle will allow. B/f seems to tie the baby to the mother (precisely!) and some mothers/MILS/grans get jealous or irritated by this exclusive relationship.

And finally, classic English prudery about bodies or the modern version - a belief that bosoms are sexual apparatus to be viewed lecherously. This can make some men uncomfortable too, who find it hard to see that breasts can be sexually appealing as well as good for feeding babies - let's face it, they're not good at multi-tasking .

btw, Scandinavian countries are excellent at the b/f message but not all European countries are - France in particular is dreadful, largely because of the sexualisation of the breast. They set great store by getting new mothers in a fit state to fulfil their conjugal duties soon after birth...

My mother has lots of opinions about all sorts - the majority of which I choose to ignore. But I have the opposite prob with her attitude to breast feeding.

She is very pro breast feeding... to the point where I felt really pressurised because I found it very difficult at first. She is always asking me if I need to feed DS and practically pushes him out of the way so she can get a good look. She is also very keen to have me feed him on both sides so I don't get mastitus(!) I would have preferred her to be less vocal and just be supportive of what I was achieving

4 weeks is still very early. I didn't get confident at feeding in public until DS was about 6 or 7 weeks old. Now we feed anywhere and everywhere. I think breastfeeding is like any skill - the more you do it, the better you get at it.

My FIL is a bit awkward about my feeding though... DH says it's because the baby's head is spoiling his view!

I had similar reactions with Dd and Ds with my mother at first, with Ds I stopped bf'ing him when he was around 4month, I would have loved to have carried on but he wasnt well and was losing weight so hey ho.
anyway my Dd was born prem and my dad recoiled in horror when he seen me lift my top up when he came round to see his new grandaughter, sorry but when they need feeding then feed and if they dont like it dont look!!
when i found out i was having a boy with my 2nd pg, we was discussing feeding options and i said yep hes being breastfed. my mothers reply?..........YOU CANT BF A BOY??!!! she even bought me bottles and RTF formula round in the anticipation that i would fall within a week or two, which i didnt and i had latching on problems and my (.)(.) was as sore as hell but im glad i persevered even though it was just for a little while.
to which i casually informed her we now live in the 21st century and would she like a hand up that ladder to get over herself

she came round in the end too, and actually, i vividly remember her giving a rather matured person a piece of her mind in debenhams none the less in support of me! lol

with Dd I was wary about where to feed her but in the end I just thought stuff it to everyone else, they can look at bare chests on a lads mag but find BF inappropriate when BF'ing is what our 'ladies' were initially made for.

with Ds I can remember feeding him on the train from birmingham once and no one batted an eyelid.

tbh i would just tell your mother that she is being unreasonable and use one of her old cliches, mother knows best, ie you!

Hi staylucky - keep on keeping on! You're doing great! Can't believe some of the terrible experiences people have reported on here - very sad - and sorry you've been having a tough time. Just to say , although my family were extremely supportive, I really struggled with bfing for about 10wks. I never expected to have a problem with it, never even thought of ff before dd was born, but she didn't feed well and I had sore/cracked nipples for ages...but then it all clicked and we never looked back. (We even had to give her ff top-ups in her first few days, which I was anxious about) I fed her until she self-weaned at 12 months and I'm so glad I did. Hope it all works out for you.