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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Stop BF or I am leaving

25 replies

Ultimatum · 09/05/2009 06:18

DH said to me. He blames everything on BF. Lack of sleep, the fact that DS is not eating solids etc etc...

OP posts:

popsycal · 09/05/2009 06:24

I know what I would say.....

What a tit (no pun intended)

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 09/05/2009 06:24

How old is your DS? Do you want to stop b/f?
Do you think that it is lack of sleep that is stressing your DH out and he just needs something to blame?

Original poster

Ultimatum · 09/05/2009 06:26

I said "goodbye then". I don't think he thought it through. DS is 9 month.

OP posts:

flamingobingo · 09/05/2009 07:30

How controlling! Does he really mean it? I mean, does he value your relationship and family so poorly that he would leave over something like that? If so, then you're probably better off without him. This isn't a bfing issue - if you stopped bfing, he'd probably just find something else to threaten to leave you over in the future.

sarah293 · 09/05/2009 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 09/05/2009 07:33

I think you need to find out why he is saying this, it seems such an odd thing to demand that there might be sometihng else bothering him that he can't articulate as well.

DeeBlindMice · 09/05/2009 08:04

9 months you say?

At 9 months my DD seemed to sort of regress to being a newborn - waking several times a night, feeding constantly but barely eating any solids. It was exhausting.

My sister's 9 month old is currently in a similar phase and he is ff.

Obviously your dh is tired and being ridiculous but it's maybe worth pointing out that this will pass, that he is getting an easier ride (I'm assuming) because you are breastfeeding, and that threatening to abandon a small baby and its mother because of perfectly normal things all families go through ought to be beneath him.

popsycal · 09/05/2009 09:01

Ultimatum - that is exactly what i WOULD BE INCLINED TO SAY BUT i AGREE THAT IT NEEDS (ooops caps) talking through.

I am sure dh has felt like this through the years - certainly regarding sleep issues (I have been breastfeeding or pregnant or both!! since June 2004 )

However, the only other breast fed baby I know at the moment is sleeping through at 8 weeks.

Original poster

Ultimatum · 09/05/2009 09:16

DD is 2.4 and was BF for 14 months. She also was a bad sleeper.
I don't think he meant it but it's such a stupid thing to say. I have to point out that he never gets up at night or in the morning so I am the sleep-deprived one.
I don't know why he focalised all his issues on BF.

OP posts:

popsycal · 09/05/2009 09:20

ds2 is 4 and was BF for close to 3 years and was horrendous
ds3 is 8 months and bf and a rubbihs sleeper
ds1 was bf up to 12 weeks and was a better sleeper
howeber, my niece was ff from dsy 1 and is still an horrendous sleepr at 6!

do you co-sleep?

popsycal · 09/05/2009 09:21

ultimatum - it all sounds very very similar
MIL is convinced BF is the root of al our sleep issues

moondog · 09/05/2009 09:22

wanker

Kayzr · 09/05/2009 09:27

I know what I would say to my DH. But I do agree you need to talk to him.

whodathoughtit · 09/05/2009 09:38

Slightly sensitive question... but is there an issue with sex as well? BF kills the libido and men can find that hard to deal with.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 09/05/2009 09:55

I think that some men target b/fing as the cause as it's something they can't do, so it can become an issue.. Also, without making huge sweeping generalities, there can be the tendency for men to 'fix' things -- i.e. baby crying, means:

Hungry
Tired
Teething

So they want to do something and with b/fing, it doesnt work like that.

But what a tosser.

Bobblebuddy · 09/05/2009 09:57

I suppose it depends on how your relationship is in general and whether this is typical of him or a bit out of character, but maybe he is feeling a bit left out (common with bf i think as the men can't get involved with it). you could try to reassure him or express some for him to give in a bottle. i did that and my dh and dd both loved it! Get some advice from your health visitor on the eating solids thing - they might tell you it is totally unrelated, then you can tell that to your man.

Either that, or he is just a selfish idiot and you need to explain that this is a short-term 'sacrifice' (if he really thinks it is a sacrifice?) that will give your baby the best start in life, and if he can't just deal with that for a little while longer, he obviously cares more about his own needs than about his baby's needs, which makes him a pretty selfish dad. shame on him!

LuluLulabelleWantsANewName · 09/05/2009 10:58

Bobblebuddy I think you're right about bf making men feel a bit left out. DH gave DD a bottle of emb earlier this week so I could try and get a bit of extra sleep. Its something he's not done since she was a newborn. He was genuinely thrilled, I could hear him talking to her saying he'd missed it and how cute she was etc (you can see I got no extra sleep!). I don't think he'd be too upset if I gave up bf now at 14 weeks (along with the sex issue too, my boobs are out of bounds and he doesn't understand that they don't feel sexual to me at the moment).

I would be really hurt if DH came out with an ultimatum like that, its very extreme.

My DH tends to blame things like sleeping or crying at night on BF and I think its because (like others have mentioned) it's something he has no control over.

I hope he sees sense and starts being more supportive.

MiniMarmite · 09/05/2009 14:24

Hi Ultimatum

First of all, I'm sorry that your DH said this to you .

I have the same question about his usual attitude and your relationship in general. Was it a frustrated outburst because he's so tired he can't think straight or is it more serious?

I agree with Ilovemydog that it is easier for him to blame bf because HE can't do anything about that.

What has happened since this happened? Is he still there and talking about it?

Hope you're ok.

pigletmania · 09/05/2009 15:12

well my dauther is 2 and was ff and always a bad sleeper and eater so that is just an exuse for him. Mabey he has some other underlying issues regarding bf, some men get awfully possesive and jealous i heard when a new baby comes on the scene or if the mother is bf as they cant join in to help feed and feel left out and sidelined. try to talk to him about it, some men can be like big babies

hercules1 · 09/05/2009 15:14

agree with moondog - he is a wanker.

Original poster

Ultimatum · 09/05/2009 18:58

I did co-sleep for about 8 months. DS fell of the bed, as I was so tired I hadn't realised I had switched him side, which made me want to stop co-sleeping.
DS sleeps better now, and only wakes once or twice a night.
DH is quite a controlling person but I don't compromise when it comes to my children.
To be fair to him, DS was very clingy and I did spend 7/8 months with him in my arms 24/7.
He hasn't mention his ultimatum since. I think he didn't mean it. It was just to make a point. He really really wants me to stop. I won't though

OP posts:

popsycal · 09/05/2009 19:40

Bobblebuddy · 11/05/2009 10:21

Your partner should enjoy you being a doting mom for a while - remind him that they are not babies long, and this is a really special time.

suwoo · 11/05/2009 10:36

My DS is a terrible sleeper, can still wake 3 times a night, was very clingy but better now and we coslept for a year. He is now 2.5 and was FF.

I'm sorry your partner is such a twat. I don't have any other advice to offer other than formula is not the magic answer as it sounds like my DS is just about as bad as yours.

sparkle12mar08 · 11/05/2009 11:04

Ooh I'm spoiling for a fight today (real life reasons) so this is the perfect thread for me! Well, I'd start with the MN classic "Off you fuck then", followed by "don't let the door hit your arse on the way out". To be fair I would probably say these in the privacy of my own head (or not), but then I'd take the boringly normal approach of trying to talk it through. But I'd enjoy the rant first!

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