Happy Mum, Happy Baby

[Babieseverywhere]

"Happy Mum, Happy Baby"

I am trying to figure out what about this glib often repeated (usually by unknowledgable health professionals) phrase which makes me grind my teeth in rage.

I think because it seems to be used as an alternative of proper support, as long as the 'end result' is a 'happy mother' everything else is irrelevent.

Maybe I should reclaim this phrase and use it myself......

Co-sleeping with babies - Happy Mum, Happy Baby
Nursing a toddler - Happy Mum, Happy Baby
Nursing in Public - Happy Mum, Happy Baby

Ahhh, feel a little better now ;)

whoa there! crutches!! will try to phone you again t'mrw for full story. nxt tues sounds good

can just imagine you using that reply at the next mums and tots

I was just being stupid...but should be up on both feet again pretty soon.

"It's a form of denial of women's feelings IMHO and usually used to justify some choice she might not have made had there been more knowledge, support or resources to invest in her."

I agree with that too.

But I also think that people use it dishonestly (or maybe that's a bit harsh - disingenuously at least) about themselves.

I've seen it used on here many a time by posters who desperately want to justify a decision they took for their own good or bad reasons, but they are too frightened to come right out and say that they put their own personal convenience/sanity/happiness before that of their baby.

It's like it's become so taboo for us to make a decision that benefits us rather than our babies that we have to dress it up and pretend it was for our babies all along.

If - to use a random example - someone is going mad in the house and needs to get out and go to work when their baby is only a few months old, why isn't it ok for them to admit that they are happier at work?

"Happy mum, happy baby" is dishonest when we are trying to justify our own actions, and it's dishonest when health professionals use it to try to get us to doubt our better judgement.

Either way it's saying women don't have the capacity to make reasoned decisions for themselves.

Exactly tyv, I think it is really disingenuous because it also seeds the idea that motherhood is always about feeling happy. When in reality most of us have normal feelings of ohmigod I need to leave the building NOW every once in a while and still love our kids and care for them appropriately.

Like Aitch, not being able to breastfeed made me feel terribly unhappy. I guess it's the context it's used in I have trouble with - it's so commonly used in relation to feeding in particular. I have no problem with the concept as an excuse for say, eating chocolate cake or getting out of the house (with baby in tow) rather than doing the housework.

I'd never considered the suggestion that if I was unhappy ds might be - fortunately ds1 appeared to be quite a happy baby despite my unhappiness for far too much of his first 6 months.

Some of the posts on here remind me why I stay away from Breast/Bottle threads.

I'm an idiot for venturing in, I do apologise. Wont make the same mistake again.

Oh FFS gabygirl, my DS was bottlefed and has suffered neither respirtory infections nor diarrhoea.

This is my first real foray into this FF/BF minefield - largely because I was scared of having my own (now ancient and utterly irrelevant) choices thrown in my face. (I chose to bottle feed both times, I know, I'm a crap mum.)

I suppose I looked this time because it was in active conversations, it's late at night and I just had an emotional interaction with my DIL-to-be. (Who isn't pregnant, but my other son's GF is due in July)

AFAIAC, what my "dil" (they're neither married nor living together) chooses vis a vis her child is up to her; earlier in her pregnancy she was planning to BF, now she's not. It's none of my business either way, but I would have used the "happy mummy, happy baby" words to her.

Would I be wrong?

It's a phrase that really jars with me. I remember in the early days of struggling to bf dd a few people trotting it out as a way of telling me that it was fine if I wanted to switch to ff. Annoying because 1) implied that dd wasn't want happy. 2) implied that I wasn't happy, which I was, just finding bf tough. 3) I wanted support and help with BF!!

It's a lazy phrase and often used as an excuse. I'm not saying that the decision to fff/use jar food/whatever needs an excuse, just that people aren't always upfront about their true reasons for making decisions - even to themselves.

Haven't read other replies yet...but had to click on this thread as it's the phrase I most hate about parenting and has me wanting to slowly strangle.
I see it as meaning that the mother and her happiness are more important than the child and what may be best for the child.
A lot of times I think mothers are not necessarily happy but hopefully they are secure in the knowledge that the choices they are making are the best ones, not for themselves, (isn't that what parenting/motherhood is, after all, but wishing to self-sacrifice even a little for the sake of another life- otherwise we'd refuse to do the morning sickness/bloating/indigestion/piles/painful childbirth/stitches/getting covered in vomit and worse/changing nappy thing wouldn't we?) but for the child they have chosen to bring into the world.
Also, don't know how to say this without sounding judgeypants, (because at the end of the day I suppose I am...) but the main times I hear it bandied around it seems to be a synonym for "Easier for Mummy, therefore happy mummy, and baby will bloody well have to get used to it".
(I was "happier"- in that it was certainly easier, when I used jars of mush when dd refused my lovingly handmade mush, but I know it wasn't better for her.)

Oops, went a bit OTT with the bold...sorry!

Wise words Bucharest.

LOL @ Bucharest! We do loads of things as mothers which don't directly make us happy, because we love our babies and put our own needs and comfort in second place.

I don't like the phrase either. There is a definite link between a mother's sense of well-being and her baby's well-being, so there is a shade of truth in the phrase somewhere. Women who have untreated PND, or serious mental illness, or who are subjected to domestic violence, or under severe stress etc etc do have babies with a higher risk of developing emotional and mental and behavourial problems. This is not something 'in the air' or the baby 'reading the mum's mind' - it's because these issues prevent the mother from relating to her baby, responding to the baby, spotting his cues for chat and cuddles and so on, which are the things we know that non-mentally-stressed mothers do unconsciously. A babyhood experience with no emotional connection with the principle carer is potentially, a seriously damaging thing.

Someone having terrible difficulties breastfeeding might well feel these difficulties are actively preventing her from having an emotional connection - she may dislike the baby because of the pain he's causing. I think these consequences are rare - the mothers I see having terrible difficulties mostly relate to their babies just fine, and care for them beautifully and lovingly. But when these circumstances are there, the use of formula/expressed breastmilk/donated milk may help in individual cases.

It's the glibness of the phrase I don't like, I think. It doesn't really do justice to the seriousness of true unhappiness.

OldLady - it's good to keep out of a daughter in law's feeding choices, that's for sure, but the phrase is not a good one, IMO!

oldlady - I think it would be more honest/supportive to say that you feel her feeding choices are her business.

Happy mum happy baby is largely meaningless and not always true, and (IMO) has some dodgy implications about the value of the mother's happiness on its own terms, almost saying it's only ok for mothers be happy because it leads to the happiness of their child.

It irritates the hell out of me - who knows, your DIL may not mind it, but I think it's safer just to say that you will support her choices.

I'll take your advice on board, thank you ladies.

jacqueline - I am not sure what your last post means - did you feel that the posts were criticising formula feeders?

I can only speak for my own but I was definitely NOT criticising formula feeding (or any other parenting decision), completely the reverse.

What I was trying to say is that I think a mother is allowed to make a decision on her own terms.

We shouldn't feel the need to justify our own happiness in terms of our child's happiness. What happy mummy/happy baby says to me is that my happiness is not good enough and that no decision should be taken purely on that basis, I am however allowed to consider my own feelings provided it leads to the BABY's happiness.

Sometimes happy mother = happy mother and that's just fine. We shouldn't be forced to run every parenting decision through the medium of our child.

Does this make sense?