How selfish do I feel?

[auntyspan]

My DD2 is 11 days old and mostly bf (dh gives her a bottle every night at midnight and has done for a couple of days). I'm finding the bf a real drain, and I feel dreadful for feeling like this. I hate the monotony, I hate the time it takes me away from DD1 and I think I'm beginning to resent DD2. I'm trying to look at all the positives (health benefits for DD2 etc) but I'm just finding it emotionally very difficult.

What's worse is that I really struggled bf DD1 and ended up expressing 80% of her feeds for 3 months. I felt guilty for months afterwards and I would have expected to be totally elated getting this far with DD2.

Please tell me I'm not a totally selfish cow for feeling like this.

you're not being selfish. breast feeding is really hard. i've struggled to find a word that describes how i felt solely breast feeding. claustrophic is the closest i can come up with. i felt hemming in, hated not being able to get up when i wanted to and didn't like being the only one who could feed ds.

I mixed fed until ds was 4months and was much happier doing that. I look at it that DS still got the benefits of early breast feeding whilst i was prevented from going mad by other people some of the time being able to feed him to.

Some people take to it like ducks to water, other don't. You're doing your very best i'm sure. i imagine it's also harder with another child around demanding your time.

hope it gets easier and don't beat yourself up whatever you choose to do.

that was meant to say 'hemmed in'

How old is dd1? I don't have an answer for that - I also have a baby born last month and a ds1 who will be 2 in May, and even with two of us around giving them both attention feels difficult. And ds1 is still at his childminder on weekdays. (I'm making the most of my 9 months maternity leave with full pay for 6 of those then SMP).

But on the boredom side, can you put on music or dvds? Are there any decent toddler groups near you, where dd1 can play, you can talk to other adults and feed dd2 at the same time? I also listen to a lot of radio.

No of course you're not selfish.

I felt exactly the same about breastfeeding, and I have to admit that my life improved immeasurably when I stopped at 6 months, despite the faces I got from some people for it.

You will get a lot of support on here, but if I can offer any advice it would be to stay away from any of the b/feeding 'debate' threads on here. I found they tend to attract posts from people who love to breastfeed and that made me feel very isolated.

That's really great for them but I sometimes felt like a freak for really, really not enjoying breastfeeding, as if I shouldn't really exist, or have a right to say that I did.

Well done for getting to this point btw, 11 days is great.

I didn;t like it at all if i'm honest (claustrophobic is the description of how i felt i have ever read thanks Choufleur). Did it for 3 weeks and then gave up (well to be fair after bad thrush and having to express for 2 days he refused breast) Think if i'm honest with myself i was looking for an excuse/permission to stop. I felt better in myself when i did but now regret it (but looking back is always like that isn't it, think i might have gone mad if i had continued)

Shuold have read best description!

Not selfish at all.
You are doing as much as you are able to and have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.
She will probably get more efficient at it and it'll get easier, but I totally get how you are feeling.
I only managed a few weeks with ds as I was in agony and noone would help me out. It is TOUGH and you can be proud to have got this far!

Of course you're not selfish. You're just being honest. I have to say, the first weeks are the hardest, so if you really want to bf your daughter, I promise promise promise it does get easier. It does take perseverence at the beginning, and yes, it can feel claustrophobic, I agree. But for me- still bf my 7 month old, having moved to mixed feeding actually- it really has been worth the effort at the beginning. Those who say bf is hard are right, on the other hand, but it gets so much easier after the first 6 weeks or so, basically after your milk supply is established.

One more thought. Perhaps you're not going to like what I have to say, but giving a bottle this early on doesn't do you any favours & will probably contribute to the difficulties (and believe me, I do know about sleep deprivation; my boy was an abominable sleeper from the beginning, we've made a huge effort to help him to sleep better without giving up bf, including working on his routine, so I think I do know where you're coming from). While I don't believe a bottle is the end of the world (and as I said, I've done mixed feeding for 3 months now, after the initial 4 months of exclusive), at the beginning it's important to work on getting your supply up. So, one way around it is to express around 10 pm, close to the time your DH feeds the baby. I'm just saying this because it does get easier, but in order for bf to get easier you have to give your supply a chance to really get going, and even one bottle during the day (which may actually mean quite a lot of hours without you bf) may not work to your advantage, unless you express at the same time.

Anyway. Hope this helps. I know it's very very hard at the start, and I also know that bf at times can be very very frustrating, difficult & depressing. Especially at the start. But this stage doesn't last, or at least that's my experience. I do realize that some women never do enjoy bf, and that's a perfectly valid experience too...

Maria2007 - that was a lovely supportive and sensitive post. Sometimes i find MN very judgey on things like this and it was really nice to see.

Thanks so much for your lovely messages. It's great to have so much support.
choufleur yes I do feel hemmed in sometimes, unfortunately it's in my nature to think the grass is greener so I want to make sure any decision I make is the right one, and one I'm not going to beat myself up over later on.
elkiedee my DD1 is 3 and I'm missing her terribly (ridiculous I know!) as I'm not doing any of the bedtime routine as DD2 is cluster feeding from about half past six until about 9pm and wants me to feed her almost constantly, so the best I get is a goodnight kiss . I know it's temporary but it still makes me teary.
Maria I think you're right re: the bottle. DD2 was very fussy this morning, screwing up her face when my nipple went in her mouth, I can't believe the one bottle is making that much difference as it never did with DD1 so early on. I did try expressing around 9 / 10pm but found I had no milk left, as DD2 is cluster feeding, and I managed to express about 1oz. Have I shot myself in the foot now?

Thanks again to all you lovely ladies.

Could you express in the morning whilst the baby feeds from the other side? I always found I had a much better supply then, and if necessary I would top up the amount during the day.

Agree with everything Maria says!

Of course you are not selfish, but you may find that the bottle at this stage is making things harder for yourself. DH quite frequently gave DD bottles of EBM but only after about 6 weeks as advised. I got in the habit of expressing every morning, I ended up doing it every morning for 10 months! It just became part of my routine. It meant that I got frequent breaks. You don't have to do that but my point is that as notyummy said the morning is the best, though it did take me several months to get the hang of expressing while feeding.

Again, as maria says, it does get better. For the first 2 weeks I didn't even want to hold DD for fear of having to feed her. In the end I fed her for 14 months.

Good luck, and stop beating yourself up

I fully understand how you're feeling. Am bf ds2 (he's 14 weeks)and he won't take a bottle - despite many efforts - so I'm left doing all the feeding and it's doing my nut in a bit. I do enjoy it, love the closeness and like the excuse of sitting and watching crap TV but I'm finding myself resenting dh as I feel very tied all the time. Have also noticed a bit of a family split - me and ds2 and dh and ds1. Tricky. Don't feel selfish - we have enough to put up with without more guilt!

I haven't read the other posts so excuse me if I am repeating what others have said, but it is very early days and she will get better and quicker at feeding as time goes on, if you stick with it, you might find that it is a darn sight easier and gives you much more freedom than sterilising and having to take bottle out with you etc. Having said that, you have no reason to feel guilty whatever you decide to do, the fact that you feel like this now, just shows that you do care very much about doing the best thing for your baby, but you have to be happy too!