Devastated at stopping breastfeeding - but it is still the right decision.

[galen]

Not sure why I'm posting this - just need to share really. This week I have decided to stop Breastfeeding my 8 month old and put him on bottles. And I am Soooo devastated. I cant stop crying. I know it is the right decision for us, but still I feel like i've let him down, and I so miss the closeness of BF. Basically until very recently he showed no interest in solids,( although this has improved now) and needed to feed a LOT to keep my suply adequate for him. He would feed almost every hour day and night. I was so exhausted. I also have 5 other children, ranging in age from 10 to 2. They need me as well. I was not able to be a decent mum to them as I was so tired so I felt terrible about that. Then I had a terrible stomach bug, couldn't eat or drink for days. Eneded up giving baby a bottle cause my supply dropped off. I new it was the begining of the end. But he was so much more settled. slept so much better and was so much happier. I know I could have worked on getting my supply up again , but also knew what that would take, and in all honesty didn't think I could do it with 5 other little ones and very little other support or help. DH works long hours and we have no other family or freinds nearby.
He has now had mostly bottles for the past 4 days. He is really happy and settled. Sleeping 10 hours at night which is unheard of for him. I know that he is fine and thriving and healthy. But I am devastated at the loss of closeness. I fed my lat baby till she was 2 and it created such a wonderful strong bond, now I am worrying I'll never have that with little man.
Also I have been teetering on the brink of PPd for a while, I'm sure that BF was the only thing holding it off, now I can feel myself slipping. I'm so sad.
Someone please tell me it will be oK, and that I can still have that closeness with my baby. I'm so sad.

Well done for breastfeeding and looking after 5 other children at the same time! That's a great achievement.

Of course you will still have the same bond with your baby - he's still your baby, he still needs the same hugs and cuddles and kisses. I remember being very upset for a few weeks after I stopped bfing DD2, it took a while for my hormones to get back to normal, but she was still my little girl, the baby of the family. Stopping bfing didn't bother her at all, just me!

As for PND, I don't really know much about that, but is there someone you can talk to, a trusted health visitor or GP?

I empathise - I am close to stopping with my 8mo having not enjoyed bf for various reasons, and I haven't even had to struggle through lots and lots of feeds or looking after 5 other children! You have done so very well and should be so proud of yourself Although I'm sure bf had plenty to do with your bond with your DD, I don't think that was the only thing creating your strong bond and I'm sure you can still have that closeness with your baby. Make sure when you bottle feed him that you still cuddle him in close rather than having him face outwards or sat in his pram like you often see people do, and that you do the majority of his bottle feeds rather than getting other people to do it.

As Belgo says, I think it can be very difficult as you can feel so hormonal when bf comes to an end - I had problems adjusting when he dropped down his intake once he was on a lot of solids and was very weepy and upset for a few weeks. Hopefully what you are feeling is just the hormones adjusting in your body rather than PPD.

Best of luck

Wow you have done a fantastic job!

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} not the MN thing but thought you could use one.

Thanks for the lovely replies and hugs! I ahve no one who would understand to talk y IRL so your replies mean a lot. I know I have done well for my DS. And my rational self knows we still have lots of ways to be close - cuddles, hugs, wearing him in the sling etc... I do think I am quite hormonal ATM My last daughter self weaned from breast feeding at around 2, when I was about 7 months pregnant with DS. Then of course DS came along and I was back BF again - so all in all I have been BF almost continupously for nearly 3 years !! I supppose it is going to take me body time to adjust to not BF anymore.
I am still feeling low and weepy - hopefully this will turn out to be just hormones. I will give myself a couple of weeks to see if it improves before involving the GP. I have had PPD before - not badly - but I know what to look for.
Unfortuantely now DS seems to be taking less from the bottle. At first I had to really fight with him to take the bottle which broke my heart, but then he seemed to come round. But now these last 2 days he has been taking graually less at each feed. I only got him to take 1 oz of his bedtime bottle - not good. I think he is realizing that the boob has gone - I really hope this passes cause it just adds to my sadness, and I need for him to take something!

But at 8 months he could go straight to a cup? And bypass the bottle? Maybe he doesn't really like it and a beaker would do just as well?

Or is he just dropping milk anyway? Could you up his dairy food and give him lots of water?
Have no real advice - you have 6 children, I have one - just wanted to say how impressed I am and that the closeness may change but it won't get less!

My DS tends to refuse a cup or bottle when he is teething or ill, so could it be that?

I think he is dropping his milk anyway. He has suddenly started LOVING his solids after a not very enthusiastic start! He has baby cereal in the morning ( made now with formula) then pureed homemade veg (eg carrot and potato) at lunch with some pureed fruit after, then another homemade puree for tea ( often something we have had like chicken casserole as I cook a lot from scratch so its easy to make it baby freindly!) with a yogurt after. He drinks a bit of milk with his breakfast, then a good ammount of water from a beaker with lunch and tea. I'm not sure how much formula he would need on top of that? I guess he got enough yesterday cause he was happy and then slept well, so maybe I should just trust him!

galen - after 6 months you can make cereal with cows milk (DS has just had normal porridge since 6 months). Also, to keep up his interest, its great to offer finger foods along with the purees, particularly at 8 months. Easy things to start with like some chip shaped veg, rice cakes, toast, then you're on track to working towards everyone eating the same thing as he gets older.

The guidelines say 20oz of formula a day up to a year I think, on top of solids.

HTH and good luck

20oz is a lot "on top of solids"?

As long as there is dairy in his diet as a source of calcium and protein then I reckon 1pint a day all inclusive - ie that ppint includes the milk on his cereal, the yoghurt he eats and the milk he'll accept at bed time.

He sounds as though he's making his own feeding decisions - so good for him - let him take the lead.

Oh - and I realise I have ignored your question - of course you can still have real closeness with your baby - cuddles, baths together, playing and comforting.

But you say he's your 6th? Maybe (no presuming...!) he is going to be your last? In that case the last brest feed is going to be a very emotional time and you will be very sad.

But that's about you feeling sad - not him rejecting you! He is going to grow up and change. I'm sure everyone who has breast fed always has that bit of themselves which is mourning the fact they don't do it anymore!

Yes he is our last! Our last DD was supposed to be our last , but DS was a happy surprise! He will definately be the last though - DH has taken measure to see to that LOL! So yes a lot of it is about my last little baby getting all big! And he is fine - really not that bothered. It is definately me that is more bothered!
With our last DD we did baby led weaning - so just pieces of veg really for ages then gradually more bite size things she could manage. We tried starting out this route with DS, but he seemed so uninterested. I would have waited, but he he seemd to really need the extra nutrition from food as he was breastfeeding sooo much, hence trying purees which he loves! We do give him pieces of carrot, brocolli etc... to chew on, but most of it ends up on the floor!Also he really cant cope with lumps. Hates them! Doesn't help that he still has absolutely no teeth!And we were making his cereal with normal milk, but I figured he might benefit from extra formula, but maybe I'm jut worying too much!You would think I would know this by now, but purees seem so long ago with the others!

Galen I know exactly how you feel.
Before I had DS I used to read these threads about being so sad at stopping bf and wonder what all the fuss was about. But know I completetly understand. Feeding my son has been the single most wonderful fullfilling thing I have ever done. He too is eight months and I am drying up a bit and considering stopping. But I can't bare the thought of it. How will I ever look down at him and decide that today is the day to stop bf? I could cry just thinking about it!
I know I will stop by the time he is one - mainly because I know so many people think it's weird to go past that. But I will miss it terribly and cherish the time that I fed him.
In a way I am glad to read that you and so many other mums feel the same. But like you I hope the bond will still be there and I'm sure it will be. As you say the babies are fine - it's us mums that do all the fretting about it!