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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

how to survive xmas with MIL with funny bf attitude

26 replies

nicewarmslippers · 12/12/2008 14:14

MIL called dp last night when I was out to say that she was worried that I didn't appreciate that not everyone is comfortabe with bf in public. we are going to hers for xmas and this involves her church and drinks with neighbo0urs. I am feeling really uncomfortable. She was nice about it and sounded embarrsared saying it dp says but now I don't know what to do. do I have to leave the room or just be subtle? The problem is baby is just 8 weks old and feeds alot. Its hard as she was round here alot when baby was v young (to help with toddler) and I was having problems so often bfing topless and spraying milk everywhere etc. Obviously I am not going to do that at her friends house but maybe she thinks I am and its just that she wants to avoid (fair enough). My sil gave her dd a bottle at the family table to avoid feeding in front of uncle! I was quite embarrased as I was feeding my baby at the time. I am not militant about it but do feel subtle bfing is OK! any advice? I want to keep peace

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 12/12/2008 14:16

Have a chat to her and say everything you just said
you sound very reasonable

fishie · 12/12/2008 14:17

get your dp to call her back and say don't worry, it has all settled down a bit since her last visit and that nobody's going to mind you feeding discreetly are they.

i can sort of understand her being a bit worried you might sit topless in the church if that was how she saw you doing it .

i felt very wobbly feeding for first time in front of fil but it is one of those things you just have to get on with. no way i would go upstairs.

dinny · 12/12/2008 14:18

tell her you are definitely going to do it topless at all social gatherings

merrykittymas · 12/12/2008 14:21

Sorry but I would tell her that feeding a hungry 8 week old is more important that maybe upsetting someone and if "someone" is offended by a baby feeding I don't think they should be going out in public you probably see more tits on display up the local pub.

Personally I have always believed if someone is offended by a BFing baby THEY should leave the room not the baby.

I have fed in front of all male relatives and half the time they probably didn't even notice.

CatchaChristmasStar · 12/12/2008 14:22

I would go and when you you need to bf just say to MIL nicely, am I ok to feed dc here, or would you prefer it if I went somewhere else?

If she was coming to your house I'd be more of the 'she'll just have to get used to it' camp. But as you're going to her I think you'll just have to respect that it makes her a bit uncomfortable. Or maybe have a quiet word with her about it? Maybe if she's sees you doing it she might get more used to it?

Mungarra · 12/12/2008 14:57

I think it's awful for people to expect a woman to exile herself and sit alone while breastfeeding. You could be spending hours sitting alone at Christmas time.

I've breastfed in churches and in front of elderly male relations and no one has ever complained. My FIL is now completely used to it, though my MIL shepherds him out of the room if she has the chance.

You won't be showing very much and if people are offended by a baby feeding, then they're the ones with the problem.

I'd tell her that if she wants to make you and the baby feel unwelcome, then you'd rather stay at home. That's what I'd do, but you sound like more of a peacemaker than me.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 12/12/2008 15:14

Maybe she's no idea how well you're getting on and that you no longer strip 1/2 naked to feed your lo!

I like the idea of explaining this to her in advance and letting her know that now her GC is that bit older, bf has become far more discreet and it should pose no problem to anybody.

I too have fed in church, in front of FIL, BIL ets, on aplane, in the park......anywhere really and not once had any comments.

Good luck with whatever you decide

LadyPenelope · 12/12/2008 15:24

As you are going to her house, you're best to ask what she would prefer. Even my parents weren't happy with me b/f in the room with them - I used to go off and feed in another room. (Mum was fine, but she used to shepherd my dad off.) Same with my in laws. They are in their 80s so I'm sympathetic.

At my house, I used to feed where i wanted and leave it to them to avoid me if they wanted.

It's not much fun though being on your own but on the other hand during the madness of Christmas, it can sometimes be nice to sneak off for quiet snooze...

swanriver · 12/12/2008 16:58

I sometimes used a large fine shawl and draped it strategically at family gatherings. Sometimes that's the answer with nervous relatives. And usually they were delighted to see the baby when he emerged again and very complimentary about my efforts.

JacksFirstChristmasMama · 12/12/2008 17:02

Hi nicewarmslippers - I was looking for you several weeks ago after your post about your ladybits - how are you feeling? Is everything returning to sort-of-as-normal-as-it-can-after-birth?

Have nothing to add to the fab advice above, just wanted to ask how you are!

mawbroon · 12/12/2008 17:05

I wonder if Mary was told to leave the room when she was feeding...

PortAndStilton · 12/12/2008 17:13

How long are you going for?

I think your DH needs to find out what she actually MEANS. All this pseudo-tactfully edging around the situation is just going to risk extra confusion and ill-feeling.

Does she just not want you to strip off and feed topless?
Does she not want you breastfeeding in her home at all except tucked away in private?
Are there a couple of specific people she doesn't want you to breastfeed in front of?

If it's just a couple of people and it's only going to be for one afternoon or one drinks party or something like that then I would graciously do what she wants. She's fretting about a social event for her friends at a stressful time of year, and if you can give her one less thing to worry about (even though she's probably worrying unnecessarily) then that's the couteous thing to do.

If she doesn't want you breastfeeding "in public" at all when you're there, then I'd be inclined to cut down how much time you spend there. This is your first Christmas with your new baby; you don't want all your memories to be of sitting kicking your heels in a back bedroom.

piscesmoon · 12/12/2008 17:13

I should just ignore it and carry on discretely -most likely no one will notice. My PIL were elderly, but not bothered.

ilovemydog · 12/12/2008 17:23

If it was me, I would say, 'thank you for your invitation, but my priority is my 8 week old baby. You have made it clear that this embarrasses you, so will have to decline your invitation. Pesky babies cannot follow a schedule and there is a real risk the baby may need feeding... (and hope you get your issues about breastfeeding resolved - I would mention as a snide remark to mil)

ihavenewsockson · 12/12/2008 17:26

i would just do it discreetly and see if anyone notices.

then again, i used to BF my DS in a seperate room as i was very self concious. i'm quite...er...big busted and it was really difficult to feed discreetly.

piscesmoon · 12/12/2008 18:55

I just bf anywhere- most people didn't notice, because I didn't draw attention to it-I never had any comments or problems.I should just do your own thing-if I had gone to a separate room I would have spent a lot of time on my own!

StealthPolarBear · 12/12/2008 21:01

Agree with ilovemydog
She may be being nice about it but in effect she's saying you aren't welcome - as an 8wo is going to need feeding - LOTS!

Shitemum · 12/12/2008 21:04

lol at mawbroon - yes make sure you get her an xmas card with one of those medieval pics of virgin mary with her tit out feeding Jesus - that'll shut her up, better still get her a giant framed poster!

Shitemum · 12/12/2008 21:07

"In another article, Father Enrico dal Covolo, a professor of classic and Christian literature at the Pontifical Salesian University said: "The Virgin Mary who nurses her son Jesus is one of the most eloquent signs that the word of God truly and undoubtedly became flesh".

Shitemum · 12/12/2008 21:10

what was good enough for Jesus...

Shitemum · 12/12/2008 21:21

miracle of St. Bernard, cured by jet of milk from the breast of a statue of the virgin mary
Don't try this at (your IL's) home folks!

Shitemum · 12/12/2008 21:29

I seem to have killed this thread...

mamijacacalys · 12/12/2008 21:33

what darrellrivers said
pmsl shitemum

DaidiNaNollag · 12/12/2008 22:46

Shitemum. Apparently Zoe Ball used to do the same thing!

whomovedmychocolate · 12/12/2008 23:02

It's difficult isn't it. My dad fully supports me breastfeeding but still feels uncomfortable. Ditto SiL. Have to say I quite enjoy being exhiled away from inlaws to an upstairs room (take a book - spin things out ) but I would echo the suggestion of a large shawl. Then hand over the baby to the most heinous relie when he/she is ready to vomit

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