Advice wanted from tandem feeders

[littlefrog]

I?m all in a muddle, and I?m hoping that folk who have actually done this can give me their perspective.

I?m 19 weeks pg, DS is 20 months. He?s always been a bit of a milk monster, but we?ve been on just wake-up and before-bed feeds for ages (and the middle of the day occasionally, if he?s ill, or something very upsetting happens). He now says that he wants his ?feedie?, and it?s a lovely time in the day ? he comes into bed with us/me, and has a play in the morning, and a cuddle before getting into his cot in the evening.

But things are changing. I?ve been giving him a cup of milk before his bath since early pregnancy (he started to seem really hungry and to find it hard to settle ? and I certainly felt my supply had gone down). In the last week or so he?s sometimes asked for milk instead of a feed, and this morning although he at first said he wanted a feed, once in bed with us he said he wanted milk instead. There may be a little bit of milk there for him, but if so there?s not much.

So. I feel we?ve reached a crossroads. If I stopped offering him feeds he might well be perfectly content with his cup of milk and that would be the end of breastfeeding. DH thinks this is probably a good idea. Maybe three quarters of the time I agree with him: I?m alarmed about the idea of feeding two, not so much because of the feeding bit, but because I?m afraid of things getting tricky at some point and my then longing to wean DS. Breastfeeding has gone so well, and we?ve both loved it so much that I would absolutely hate to have the end of it tainted at all by any longing for it to finish, or fights over when/if he can have feeds.

And yet I hate the idea of stopping. It makes me really sad to think that we?ve reached the end. I love his enthusiasm for feeding. I love him playing peekaboo with my breasts, I love the close snugly cuddles under the duvet. And on the rare occasions when he does have a middle of the day feed, it?s so calming for both of us, I can just feel all the upset and tension melting away from him. We don?t rely on bf for anything (he?s never ever used it as a way to fall asleep, not even as a newborn), so there isn?t that worry, but still?

Could people who have been in the same sort of situation to me tell me what they did? What would you do if you were me? What would you be thinking about? What would help you make your decision? One thing I?m sure of is that I won?t ?force? him to wean in any way ? if he asks for his feed he can have it. But as I said, I suspect that if he was offered milk before feed systematically, he might well stop asking for a feed...

Help!

I am tandem nursing my 2.3 year old DD and 3 month old DS.

My advice go day by day and see how things go. Your DS might self wean before your next DC comes along, he might feed thoughout your pregnancy (like my DD did). You might take to tandem nursing with two little ones and love every minute of it or hate it or be balanced somewhere in between.

I find Tandem nursing worthwhile and overall I like it, though I sometimes feels too tired and touched out...how much of this is tandem nursing and how much is being a mum of two children I don't know.

I decide to 'not make a decision' regarding weaning my daughter when she got to one year old. As long as I am happy to nurse her, I'll wait for her to self wean. I assume I will not be attending university with my DD

I was in your position about 4 months ago, almost down to the letter!

I did end up stopping bf DS, and if I'm really honest, I do still feel a little conflicted about it (but only a little). I think that whatever time I stopped, apart from true self weaning, I would still feel that I could have carried on longer. I stopped mainly because I was feeling physically uncomfortable - DS was having to work harder to get the milk flowing and my breasts were/are very sensitive. We stopped v gradually, going down to one feed every few days by the end. He was nearly 2 when we finally stopped.

I am now a few weeks from my due date with DC2. DS has asked a couple of times in the last few weeks to drink mummy's milk, and we have been talking a lot about the baby. Now don't think me odd, but I did let him have a try, and it seems that he has lost the ability to latch. He mainly just laughed and then asked for milk from the fridge. He is still v attached to my cleavage, and usually falls asleep for his afternoon nap sucking his thumb with his hand down my top!

Good luck with it, whatever you decide you have done a fantastic job giving your DS lovely milk and comfort in his first 2 years of life .

Bump!

Thanks you two for your experiences. It's so difficult... I guess what I'm wondering is whether I give DS the 'chance' to self-wean (is this self-weaning?), by for example asking him which he wants, feed or milk in a cup, and going with the one he asks for. But then I think about doing it, and I think he might choose the milk, and I feel all miserable about the idea. I hate it when he asks for milk rather than a feed!

Any other experiences?

littlefrog, I only have the one so far (can't seem to conceive whilst still breastfeeding 3yo ds) but read "Adventures in Tandem nursing" almost a year ago when I was briefly pregnant.

What you need to consider is that your ds might not be finished and may take to feeding again once the baby arrives. Or he might not!

Have you heard of never offer never refuse as a weaning technique? It seems like a nice gentle way to help him along if he seems to be heading that way anyway.

mawbroon, thank you. I guess what I'm struggling to decide is whether or not even to try never offer, never refuse. This evening I did, in fact, and he had some milk, then said no, he wanted a feed, then went back to the milk again after he'd had a little go.

I haven't really thought that much about him wanting to start again, mainly because friends whose children have stopped and then tried later haven't managed to latch (as seems to be the case with RSCgirl's DS).

Would love to read about other people's point of view...

Hello, well you know my situation....but during my pregnancy, about the same point dd did the same. Then suddenly changed again into a milk monster. I'd go for the 'never offer, never refuse' route and see what happens.

Just take it day by day and see how it pans out. one of my friend's little girl cut down dramatically, and when she tasted the milk, it was quite salty (something to do with being pregnant I suppose). The hormones in pregnancy try to put off the older one from feeding I think, though I'm not sure it always works!!

I know several people who have successfully tandem fed, but I also knopw several who have decided to stop feeding the older one. Not much use am I really!!

Oh I'm so tired this morning I just want to pull the world in on top of myself and crawl into a hole.

I guess I will try the never offer never refuse thing, and see what happens. Not easy though, as I find it really painful when DS demands 'milk' not 'feed'. And heart-rending when he comes into bed in the morning (like today) all longing for his feed and then cries because there isn't anything there...

Adventures in Tandem nursing definitely worth a read. It's by a LLL book by Hilary FLower. I've just finished it and found it very helpful. It's full of other people's stories - not all of them decided to tandem nurse so it isn't a tandem nursing propaganda machine but it helped me to finalise my decision.

I must dig the book out again and have another read - I agree, it's v interesting and well-balanced. Wisknit, what did you decide to do in the end?

I'm going to see what happens
I hope DS2 is still asking to nurse when DC3 turns up and if he is I'll tandem nurse. At the moment I'm 29 weeks and he still seems to need it. He is going to be 18 months on sunday and isn't goin to be my baby for much longer.