Nursing toddler's etiquette

[TinkerBellesMum]

I was just wondering for those of you who nurse a toddler if you have rules that you work to with your toddler.

For example when or where they can feed, what they're allowed to do whilst feeding (ah the great nursing acrobatics!), helping themselves...

I've pretty much gone with the flow, but I'm never sure how to react when Tink runs up to me in a restaurant demanding "me me" and trying to undress me. Usually she's tired when she does that and is only asking because she's past eating so I feel bad if I turn her down, but gone are the days when I could rugby her with one arm while feeding myself with the other!

Hmm it is difficult isn't it. I am nursing my newborn and a two year old and whenever DD (2) is feeling rough she constantly wants to nurse so we end up staying home because she's simply too big to sit on my knee and nurse on a regular dining chair.

She does demand milk now and then in the supermarket etc and I try and distract her or say 'yes, when we get home/back to the car' etc.

She's stopped asking for milk when we are out now (took about a month and she picked up the hint). EXCEPT if she falls over and hurts herself badly and then I just feed her quickly and she's fine.

LOL at 'pretty much gone with the flow' though

DD now says 'put booby in my mouth' very loudly when she's after milk too so I'm quite glad she's not yelling that in the fresh produce aisle!

Well, even though im ridiculously pro bf, and organised the bf picnic in Colchester this year i dont feed DS whenever he wants anymore (hes 21mo). Like your DD, he's usually tired when he wants 'milkies' and if i say 'we aer going home now and you can have some as soon as we get there' he can go into a bit of a strop. Its just getting a bit unwieldy as he doesnt really like to lie quietly across my lap, but wants to stand between my knees, or get both of us to lie down - which im just not prepared to do in the middle of tescos or babygym!!

I do feel bad about it though, as im all for letting him make his own decisions about what and when to eat, and when we stop BF will be down to him i hope.

If im honest, i feel a bit selfconscious about it now, and im inwardly cringing in readiness for a nasty comment (although ive never had one!). At the same time, i feel like i ought to bf wherever/whenever as i have a responsibility to try to normalise natural term bf.

So in answer to your question TBM - waffle

We also have the 'mummy hasn't got her special bra on' lie which works surprisingly well on two year olds as an excuse to wait till we get home.

Yep.

He's not to bite, but he can make pretend nibbling faces and guffaw while he does so.

He doesn't get fed if he asks during the day, except if we're at home and he's in need of a sleep (rare).

He doesn't get fed in the night, but he can come into bed with me for a cuddle and sleep there if he has a bad dream (not a frequent occurrence).

He can have as much as he likes (or till I have to go to work) in the morning and at night from bath till bedtime. In practice, that means he has anything from nothing to half an hour on and off in the morning and anything up to an hour at bedtime, again on and off and dozing (both of us some nights!). He's 2.9yo.

I don't think it helps at the moment that she's staying with my parents and she went two weeks without seeing me between her holiday and me being in hospital when they got home. She seems to want to make up for it whenever and where ever, partly why I hate turning her down. My back can't cope with feeding her just anywhere either.

I tend to wear low tops (I'm rather big busted and find they're a little more generous) and her hands go very quickly into my neckline and find the catch so I couldn't convince her if I tried I don't have my nursing bra on.

pooter, that's the thing, when does it become about allowing them to decide and setting limits. I guess everything needs boundaries though. I too currently plan on letting her self wean, I think the fact I'm about to tandem helps because it's not going to be such a big thing that I'm still feeding, it's there and available to her while I feed her little sister. If that makes sense?

I don't ever say that I am doing NTBF or allowing her to self wean because I don't know what's in store and there may come a point where I need to help the process along. I also think extended breastfeeding is past 7 when it's physiologically not normal so I don't use that term either.

I fed DS2 pretty much on demand until about six months ago, when he was three and a little bit. I just began to notice a few people at toddler groups actively avoiding me, and although I know I shouldn't care, I decided that I'd done my bit for visible extended bf-ing and started saying 'no, only at home' to him. (Funnily enough, the people who were avoiding me aren't any more.)

He was very, very needy and insistent a year ago, and I would have struggled to say 'no' to him then - would have led to a lot of public meltdowns.

I've always been quite strict about acrobatics and nipple twiddling though - a fairly stern 'if you do that there won't be any na-na' (and follow through if necessary).

Think you can impose some rules - no feeding outside the home (although I found that difficult when we were in other people's houses). I found it easier to say only waking up, before nap, bedtime - led to a few tantrums I have to admit but made my life a bit more bearable and otherwise I would have given up earlier as she was feeding 5-8 times a day at 18 months. She did self wean at 23 months but I am pregnant so that might have prompted it.

Tinker - I'm tandem feeding - DD wanted to feed every time she saw DS feeding for a few weeks - was not fun!

twentynine, that's been worrying me for awhile actually! I can just see her realising it's on tap and wanting it as much as her sister. She's not a big eater - I think her asthma means she tires out when eating - and will ask me for milk when she's struggling, so I don't see it will be a big transition for her to just nurse more.

One thing I like about feeding her still is that when she's ill she can have milk which gives her everything she needs. I'm sure her three day asthma attack would have been worse or she would have ended up on a drip or NG if she hadn't been nursing through that time.

I'm starting to think about this. DS is only 9mo but I'm already getting "you're STILL breastfeeding" comments from people. They're not precisely disapproving, but I know very few people who are planning to feed past 1 - and I think I only know one person who hasn't partially moved onto formula (so could offer that in the day instead). I had this idea when I was pregnant that after 6 months I wold express and bottle feed in the day. I had no idea what I was talking about!

Anyway, I don't want to stop BF DS in the day - not even at a year unless he shows signs of being less interested. (He was feeding much less but reverts to milk at the slightest sign of teething/illness). I do want to be able to put DS off till we're somewhere appropriate (even if that's a cafe where I can actualy fit him on my lap properly) and to get him to be able to stay still while he's feeding (at least reasonably so). He's gradually learning to respond to things (He knows 'let go') so I'd like to start 'training' him to BF discreetly ASAP so I can keep going!

This seems to fit with this thread, so any tips on how to set good nursing etiquette would be great!

dD isn't a toddler yet but thinking ahead...

..here is an article from kellymom
kellymom.com/bf/older-baby/nursing-manners.html

I found a picture on TBD's phone today of me lying in bed with Tink standing by my shoulder nursing. I'd forgotten about that.

One of my favourites is she likes to try and hug me when she's nursing

Until recently she only fed first thing in the morning then at some point she started to ask for more, often she'd skip first thing in the morning (since I got pregnant I think and was too sore so her dad would take her for breakfast when she woke up). It's been since then that the manners problem comes up - especially in public!

It's interesting reading other people's experiences of an older nursling and a thread where we're not being baited.

Tink - it may well be your milk - DD swears my milk tasted like 'cornish ice cream' (she means clotted cream vanilla ice cream) when I was on the third trimester.

Slightly guilty confession here: I fob DD off with a tic-tac -'to keep her going' till we get home when she starts the fully 'mummy mantra' (mummmyyyyy, muuuummmmyyyyy, millllllllkkkkkyyy, boobbbbbiieeeeeyyyy, me, me, me )

Works though

I've not had any comments about my milk, but she's probably not got the words at the moment. I've found it funny how many people told me she'll stop when I'm pregnant or the good ol' "your milk will go bad so she won't like it" and so far it's been completely the opposite.

I do set limits, I am confident that both of mine have been able to understand that they can't have everything they want, when ever they want it! (Doesn't stop DD1 [aged 5] asking for every toy she sees advertised though!!)

If DD2 (aged 2yrs 4 months) asks at an inconvenient time (like in Tescos) I say we'll stop in a minute, or offer her a drink of juice etc. After tea she's not allowed any booby until she has her pj's on, things like that, and she's not allowed to help herself, she has to ask, verbally, even if it is just "booby please". One of the comments Dr Hilary made that annoyed me the most was the scenario he painted of a child walking up to thier mother and unhooking her bra etc etc. It's basic manners to not just help yourself to something, especially if that something is part of someones body!

As for twiddling and acrobatics, no. I don't do those. Any twiddling or wriggling around which results in nipple twanging or pulling is reprimanded, and if it continues the boob goes away.

DD1 did nurse every time DD2 did for the first few weeks, but after about 2 or 3 weeks I began distracting her and within a couple of months she (DD1) was back down to 2-4 feeds a day.

Yes, that was something that annoyed me and many other times of others saying it. The idea that just because we continue past the age of needing it all the time that we continue to demand feed.

Oh yes Tinks - my favourite is 'well she'll never stop if you don't stop her'.

Yes, of course well there are all those breast fed teens to prove this argument.

BTW the worst for us were the midwives who acted like we were some sort of zoo exhibit to be pointed out to all the other mums on the maternity unit. Drove me slightly barking to be told 'of course, you can be too good at breastfeeding too'

Someone once said that their HV told them not to use the head rest in a car seat (or something) because the child will never learn to support their own head. She said that she and her sister laughed about all the adults out there with their head flopped on the side because they'd had head supports in their car seats. She said now whenever someone offers that sort of "they'll never do..." advice she and her sister look at each other with heads flopped on the side!

It really brought it home for me, all this advice we get, of course children will start to do or stop doing something that's not normal as you get older. I just keep reminding myself of all the adults with floppy heads whenever I get stupid advice.

Wow, the headrest thing is fantastic!! Inspired!!!

The real issue here is control. We seem to need to be in complete control of our babies and children, dictating exactly when they will start and stop things. This is why routines and early weaning ( with purses) etc is so popular, with these things the parent is in control, and this makes us feel confident and secure. To demand feed, co-sleep, BLW and so on gives the baby/child some input and takes some of the decision away from the parents, this can be incredibley difficult for most people, they just can't contemplate allowing their baby to be in control in any way. My brother summed this up a while ago, he is very supportive of breastfeeding and is adamant that any children he and his wife have will be boobed, but not for as long as my two, because they (he and his wife) will decide when it is time to stop, not the child. When I asked him why he got a bit flustered and said that it was parents who where in charge, not children.

Another common misconception regarding Natural Term Breastfeeding and AP practices in general is that you don't set boundries or say no to AP'd children. This is complete crap, my children have boundries, they don't get everything they want, they say please and thank you, and for the most part, do as they are asked. They are not perfect little children, they would be freaks if they were, but they are polite and, in general, well behaved. I believe this is because as well as having some discipline in their lives they are also treated with respect and have their feelings and wishes taken into account.

Feck, that should say purees not purses, blinking predictive iPhone text!!

with great respect to blw-ers out there, I am puree feeding (mostly), also because my son finds finger foods a bit hard with one useable hand...

but who's idea is it that he is not in control? yes, he does not get to put it in the bowl, but he can make very clear what he likes and does not and if he does not want it...good luck.

NTBF makes for indepedent little creatures that like some control over their food, however they are fed

lol greenmonkies, I feel like I'm forever saying no! Mainly when she's with my brothers kids though. When I was little Mum told me not to touch the iron because although she'd turned it off it was still hot. I don't accept anything just because I'm told it so had to put my hand flat on to find out. Of course it was something I didn't repeat again! It's shaped my attitude to bringing up Tink. I allow her to find out as much for herself as possible whilst realising there are some things she needs me to tell her. I remember looking at her in her incubator and thinking "wow, she's a whole other person" and I've tried to treat her like it.

madmouse it's the attitude to it I think. It's possible to puree feed and allow a child control, sometimes it's not possible any other way but that doesn't mean you don't respect the child. The difference is babies too young for solids who push it out and the parent scrapes it back up and pushes it back in.