Do you think I should try again?

[fernie3]

hi
Before I type this I promise I am not joking and I know how stupid this is going to sound but I really am serious and looking for help!

I would love to breastfeed my baby, this is my third and with my first two I tried to breastfeed them but gave up after just a few hours with my first and a few days with my second.
The reason isn't anything to do with breastfeeding although I did have trouble getting my second to feed he was early and he also had trouble sucking from a bottle at first.
The problem is pretty silly - my mother died when I was younger (17 I am 25 now) and I found her body for some reason everytime I tried to breastfeed I would get the image of her when I found her ( she had no top on if you see where I am going with this it's hard to word).
I spent a few days trying to get my son to feed but I would get upset and from there went on to develop anxiety problems which lasted until he was around a year old.

I really would love to feed my baby but I really don't know how to make it less traumatic for me.
I don't really want to talk about it with the midwife because it's a little embarrassing and I don't really like her.

Thanks
Sophie

I would see if you can get counselling to talk through the mental side of what was happening - because I think chances are it would happen again unless you do something about it. Whether you BF or not - it would probably
help you to sort this out anyway.

Whilst BF is ideal - if it risks your mental health then it has to be off secondary importance.

It doesn't sound stupid or embarrassing.
If that's how you feel about your MW then you should look to changing her. Not just about this but in general you deserve someone that you can trust.
You sound like you've been through an awful, traumatic experience and you need professional help to get over it, whether specifically so you can bf or in general.
Congratulations on your pregnancy - when are you due?

fernie - you say you would 'love to breastfeed'...and it may actually be a very healing thing for you if you managed to do it, so it has to be worth exploring. But it needs to be with the right person.

It is absolutely not 'stupid' to feel this way, and in some ways it is entirely logical.

If the midwife you are in touch with is not the right person because you don't feel comfortable with her, then seek someone else...your GP, if you can approach him or her, is a good start. I suspect you will need quite skilled and experienced counselling for this, prob beyond what a midwife could offer anyway.

It is a wonderful thing to face and then overcome big emotional challenges like this. A psychotherapist might suggest that the image of your mum is your inner desire to face the challenge, now you are a mum yourself. Whether or not you end up breastfeeding, counselling/therapy will give you the chance to grow and become the mum you want to be.

Go for it

hi
Thanks for the kind replies.
I am 22 weeks on Saturday
How would I go about asking for a different midwife?
I did see a counsellor when I was so anxious after having my son but never talked about the breastfeeding problem because she was more interested in things like my routines in the day and my relationship with my son, tbh it was a bit rubbish but I would be willing to try again just not with her
One of my daughters friends in a breastfeeding counsellor and has offered to help also she runs classes which I would like to go to.

I did think of going to my to to specifically ask about this and what I could do but don't really understand the problem myself so it's hard to explain to someone else

Sophie

that was meant to be one of my daughters friends mothers not one of my daughters friends LOL ( daughter is 4!)

fernie, to change your midwife is not difficult. Write to the supervisor of midwives (your PCT will know who she is) and simply ask to be assigned a different one - give whatever reason you like, though you don't have to give one.

When I said a 'counsellor' I absolutely don't mean a breastfeeding counsellor, sorry for the confusion - this sort of thing is way outside our boundaries (I speak as a breastfeeding counsellor myself). I mean a professional counsellor who can see you over time...in fact, your GP or the counsellor may discuss other options with you, like psychotherapy or even cognitive behaviour therapy.

Hope you get good help - I think you are really courageous to want to tackle this.