I wish I'd stopped breastfeeding at the start now... (sorry long post - so many problems)

[SamJohnsMum]

I've had such difficulties breastfeeding and every time I think it's going okay, it gets harder again. I nearly stopped at 6 weeks (DS is now four months old) because I thought my milk was going but I was so desperate to continue, I didn't. Every week I'm worried because he's only gaining 3 or 4 oz a week. Every day is a struggle because he bluntly refuses to feed for longer than five minutes on each breast and then wants to feed a couple of hours later, although he can go four hours. I've somehow got myself into the habit of breastfeeding him asleep so he can't have a nap without me doing this. He will go to sleep at night without it, but after about 2am he wakes up EVERY BLOODY HOUR and won't go back to sleep until I feed him. Until 12 weeks he was only waking once between 7 and 7 so God knows what I've done to cock this up. On the sleep thread other mums have tried to help - I thought he was teething, but if he was all I've succeeded in doing is developing this habit of feeding him when he wakes up. If DH tries to sooth him, he kicks up such a stink and only goes to sleep if DH takes him into our bed - another bloody problem to deal with.

He refuses a bottle (he took one when when I was topping him up with EBM for the first four weeks but then I stupidly stopped because I thought we'd cracked it) so I can't go out without him and because his feeding is still so bloody random, even at night, that means I can't do anything without him - at least not without more worry.

Sometimes I think it's worth it - I so badly want the best for him - but other times, I think it's not. I'm tired and miserable and I feel like I'm making a right pig's ear of being a mum.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm at such a loss, I don't know where to start. I just wish I'd given up breastfeeding when I could have done.

Hi there-
I just want to let you know that 4 months is a notorious time for sleeping and feeding problems- I remember tearing my hair out when DS was that age.
Do whatever helps you all get a good night's sleep- even bringing him into bed with you- habits don't really stick at this age, it really is a phase.
You're giving him the best start by breastfeeding and it sounds like you're doing an amazing job as a mum- try not to worry and to catch up on sleep when you can.

You are NOT making a pig's ear of being a mum. I do think you are blaming breastfeeding for some of the normal behaviours exhibited by your average 4m old baby though. My DS was bottle fed and he would not sleep day or night without a bottle, would not sleep anywhere except in my bed, did not put weight on at a high rate, fed little and often and woke up every hour all night (not just from 2am either). It is crap and hard but honestly, I doubt that formula would solve any of these problems for you.

I gather from other mums that 4 months is the classic time for previously good sleepers to go haywire (I woldn't know as my DS was never anything like a good sleeper). Teeth? Developmental or growth spurt?

Someone will be along with more sensible advice but in the meantime, you have my sympathy and let me reiterate that you are a GOOD mum who is doing the best for her DS.

Suppose what no one says is that breast feeding is hard work...

Just remember though that they aren't babies forever.

Oh SJM! If you're making a pig's ear of it, then so am I! Everything you've listed as a problem, is only one if you believe it is. My DS is 22weeks, and rarely goes 4 hours in the day, I have to feed him to sleep, and I think I was up every hour last night. He too was slow to gain and is now on the 9th centile.
It is hard work, but I truly believe it is worth it, and there are ways to make some things better. We've started a bedtime routine, and a morning routine, and soon I'm going to start some techniques to get him sleeping without feeding.
Some babies are just like this, they all have their own personality, and there isn't always anything we can do about it.

xx

Don't worry about the weight thing.
When ds was 12 weeks, HV said, "ooh he's only put on 2 ozs, I think we'll have to start weighing him weekly"!! Needless to say, I haven't been back since!! He is growing, just slower than 'The Red Book!!'

Every day is a struggle, take it one day at a time. Remember that babies who are ff also struggle to settle themselves, so just think of it as an easy way to settle your baby!! I remember being in a restaurant with ds when he was 5 weeks old) and there was another baby there, similar age, who was ff. The baby just wouldn't stop crying!! Mum fed him, then spent the entire time pacing about with the baby trying to get him to sleep!! I just stuck ds on my boob and enjoyed my meal!!

And yes, I struggle with ds too, (he's now 22 weeks), he seems to be on my boob the whole time!! Just MN!!

SJM - I could have written your post myself. I'm really struggling with all the same things, plus the fact that my little girl (20 weeks) cries inconsolably all the time. I can't remember the last time we had a happy play time like we used to. Doc thinks I might have PND and wants me to see HV, I'm at the end of my tether and although I wonder if giving up breastfeeding would help, I don't think I can do it without hating myself and feeling even more of a failure than I already do. Sorry, not much help but it may help you to know your not alone in going through this.

I was also feeding ds between every hour and two hourly at night(sometimes during the day) it was hell, i was exhausted physically and mentally but we got through it. I'm still feeding ds now and we cut out the night feeds at 8 months. Hang in there. Babies are tiring and sometimes draining. I just go through it by thinking this is such a small chunk of my life, i feel a little crap but it will get better, soon he'll want nothing to do with me and drinking alco pops in the park!.

SLM, sounds like you're doing a great job to me aswell.

If you think that switching to formula will make a difference then give it a go - but what if he's just the same? This is quite likely to happen I fear.

Many babies are hard work but as the other posters have said it doesn't last forever. I had PND with DD1 and stopped bfing at 8 months which I really regretted. Am still bfing DD2 at 2.5 years and have just started tantrums at 4am over the 'no booby' rule after a over a year of her sleeping through!! Their patterns are constantly changing for many years...

I think that the night wakings are affecting you and you are knackered. maybe posting on the sleep threads might produce some ways forward? My sister has just started doing a version of controlled crying with her 4 month old as she too is knackered - she decided how many night feeds she was willing to do and has stuck to it. Seems to be working...my girls didn't sleep thorugh til way after 6 months I remember.

I hope you can get some rest and begin to see the positives of bfing and see just how well you are doing with your baby.

SAM, sorry you are finding it hard work. You are doing brilliantly and have obviously worked very hard to get back to full breastfeeding which is a real challenge so well done!

Sounds like a bit of a growth spurt to me. it won't last. Could you get your dh to do some lifting and comforting at night?
Co-sleeping not a problemn if it means you all get a good night's sleep.

Well done!!

It sounds like you are doing fine. Feeding to sleep and co sleeping are not problems in themelves, although I realise you may not want to do it, if your only problem is people telling you about a rod you're making for your own back then ignore them! Feeding is random now but in a couple of months he'll be eating solids and leaving him will be much easier - if his bfing hasn't settles into more of a routine by then anyway.

As for the short frequent feeds - is he starting to be more alert? Getting distracted? Have you tried feeding him in a dark, quiet room to see if that's the problem.
Even if you choose to stop now it will work, I don't think you've missed an opportunity, and feeding for those extra 10 weeks has done him loads of good!

DS was fed to sleep every time for about the first 5 or 6 months. Without a fuss he then seemed to accept getting cuddled/rocked to sleep by DH, and then later by mum/MIL, and nursery staff when he went.

4 months is a horrible time. call it teething, growth spurt, whatever. they simply go crazy!

just do what you need to do to get through each day- feeding to sleep IS OK i swear, they won't feed to sleep forever, so enjoy your norks' superpower while you can. billions of people around the world feed to sleep and cosleep and they are fine, it is only here that people have such strong feelings about it. suppose it is due in part to the parenting 'experts' who tell us we are doing everything wrong and they can fix it if only we'll buy their books.

other thing i would say is, you would be surprise how well he would settle with someone else. with my first i never left her to anyone, got close to breaking point on several occasions, but dd2 has been left a lot more and she is fine with even boob-less carers. so if you need to go out for a couple of hours, just do it. your dh/mum/baby sitter WILL cope.

good luck- i think you are doing a fab job. remember that it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that formula will fix all evils, but it is not usually the case. having said that- if you want to try giving some formula, don't beat yourself up about it, just try and see!

I always fed ds to sleep, he is 8.5 months now. I see it as a natural thing, there is something in the milk, the position, the body warmth, it is just made to happen

when I noticed a few weeks ago that he would go into his got asleep but cry 20mins later when he discovered i had gone and keep this up all evening i started putting him in his grobag after a feed, waking him up a bit and then settling him to sleep. it took a few nights of pick up put down for half an hour or so, but that was all. so much for a rod for my own back, glad i did not listen . so feed baby to sleep as long as you need to, it is not forever.

Thank you for all of these messages. I'm sorry to have had such a rant - as you all probably guessed, I was just feeling really low.

It's difficult to ignore people telling you you're doing it wrong and easy to forget the people that say you're doing fine, but I'll try and remember that tonight. It's good to know that people have also fed their babies to sleep without creating big problems down the line - co-sleeping too. I must admit, DH doesn't think it's a prob at the moment anyway - he loves it!

Thanks again x

my experience re cosleeping is that by the time they're toddlers pretty much everyone cosleeps at least partially (though not everyone admits it). and by the time they're teenagers everyone has stopped. so it is neither a weird, nor a catastrophic thing to do. in fact, it is simply wonderful, so enjoy it and don't beat yourself up about it!

ahhh glad your DH likes it.
Bear in mind that no matter how tiny your DS is he will expand to fill the whole bed some time around midnight

My DS did exactclly the same thing at 4 months, ended up waking every hour, we did a mixture of co-sleeping and then controlled crying (not so much controlled as I was so unbelievably tired I couldn't wake up... 20 mins and then he slept through for ever more)

well Ok not for ever more but for a few months!

I felt the same, a failure, I am terrible with disturbed sleep

I hatd the idea of controlled crying and I have mixed feelings about it, but for me it was my saviour, made me a better mother and he is a very happy 3 year old now. good luck sweetheart x

or and maybe get your DP to and try and settle and not you so no association

ps my friend who couldnt bf had the same probs with her DD at the same time as me!

Oh, sweetheart

His weight gain sounds fine, so don't worry about that.

Please don't think that co-sleeping and breastfeeding to sleep are problems to be cracked - if you can start to think of it in a different way (that you're meeting your son's needs), you'll feel better about it.

Babies are odd little buggers - it helps to remember that they're unpredictable and you may never know why they wake/cry, etc.

You might find this helpful.

I found what you said about controlled crying very interesting, nooonki - I'm not keen on it as an idea either, but I do know many mums like you who say ultimately it worked for them and their children are perfectly happy.

hunkermunker, that website page you've posted is amazing. I've printed it out so that I can read it again when I'm feeling bad about breastfeeding - thankyou

You are doing brilliantly - 4 months is a notoriously difficult time, all the patterns/routines go out the window and leave you feeling like you can't do anything right. Just remember that it's not forever - I BFed my DS to sleep every night and for every nap for the first 6 months, then after that he began to settle in his cot for daytime naps without needing a BF.

By about 8 months, he would no longer fall asleep on the boob but come off, rub his eyes and squirm until I put him down. He did this all by himself - no training, no 'rod for my own bakc' etc etc and he now sleeps through the night just fine (he is 14mo). Still BFing twice a day, but I don't feed him to sleep any more - he just stopped needing me to

It will happen eventually, and you will a) be SO glad you kept BFing, and b) wonder what happened to your tiny newborn!