So, I finally gave in. :-(

[stretchmarkqueen]

Ds is18 weeks old and up until last night was ex bf. I have been having a lot of problems recently, not due to bf, but due to my health and not having any sleep for 18 weeks. He generally only sleeps for 4 hours per night, but the main problem is getting him off to sleep. He will just lay and scream for an hour or so. He won't even latch on.

So last night I gave him a bottle (4ozs) of formula. I know it's not even my milk that's the problem, but I couldn't bear him near me any longer He tends to really scratch and grab me.

I am so tired and have 2 other Dcs that are getting little attention at the moment. I feel so rubbish, bf was the only thing that was making me feel good about myself. The knowledge that my milk was making him grow. I think I have pnd, but am unable to do anything about that at the moment, (whole other story).

I don't want to stop feeding him, but I'm not feeling good at the moment. I spend most of the day in tears.

So is he now classed as mixed fed? Is he not ex bf anymore now that I have given him a bottle of formula? And why would he be screaming at 12 am every night for an hour?

Sorry for mixed up post, but just needed to let it out.

Don't feel bad, you are doing a great job.
Mixed feeding is not a terrible thing, but you can decide if last night was just a one off. (So yesterday he was mix fed, today he is exclusively bf again!)

Have you tried using a sling to get him off to sleep? Not a permanent solution I know, but it sounds like you need a little peace

You need to visit your gp and tell him how you feel - if you have pnd there are people and medications to help you.

(((Hug)))

You poor thing, you must be absolutely shattered. You are clearly doing a fab, fab job so please remember that. I am also likely to need to give ds2 some formula soon (I am going back to work) and it's upsetting me too (and yes, I know most babies have formula before I get flamed! )

I get scratched and grabbed, and my hair gets pulled, my necklace yanked etc etc and it's really hard going sometimes. What's to like about that? Especially when you are just trying to feed and you have older children who also need something too.

Has reflux been ruled out? Or silent reflux? Did the bottle help?

No the bottle didn't help! He still slept the same amount, and was still crying alot, but it meant that Dp could do the feed as I had had enough. TBH I was so close to just walking. I know that was only because it was the middle of the night.

What's silent reflux? He does have some sort of reflux because he is always being sick after feeds and inbetween feeds! Doctor says most babies have it though, and as long as he is putting on weight, there's no problem.

I know I have to go to the dr about pnd, but it's really hard. I tried to go when I had it with DD1, but the dr (a different one) said that because I was putting on makeup and doing my hair, That I can't be that bad.

I really struggle because I don't think people take me seriously. I tend to cover up how I really feel in public. So everyone thinks I'm really happy and coping, but I'm not The only person that knows the 'real' me is dp, and I worry for him too.

Sorry am rambling.

sympathy from me too - you are doing really really well and should be proud of what you've done so far whatever happens now.

Dont know the rest of your circumstances, but can totally sympathise with the lack of sleep - ds (now 13months) was an awful sleeper and I felt really miserable at times (although pnd is obviously more than that, and agree you should go and speak to someone).

If milk doesnt soothe him, have you tried other things like having a music box on - my ds would sometimes calm down if he had moving lights/music on - or can you take him for a walk even though its late. is your dh/dp about to take him for a bit so you can at least get some sleep?

hope things calm down soon.

the crux of this is you sound really , really depressed. please go to the doctors, there are ADs that are compatible with breastfeeding.

you can also try a nursing necklace which is nicer for little hands to grab on to and pull and fiddle with than your sensitive skin!!

the not sleeping makes everything a million times worse

i would usually suggest co sleeping, but if you are at the point you are not wanting to be near him, that might be counterproductive.

revisit the reflux issue, he might well need meds that will help

sorry you are feeling so down, i have been there. it is the pits

sorry posts crossed - that sounds a ridiculous thing for a doctor to say - i dont have much knowledge of pnd but would be shocked if that was an acceptable response - sure if you tried another GP they would have a different attitude.

Poor you , I really feel for you. I've been giving my LO a FF every night since about wk6 (DD's 13wks). Now, I know that it means she's not ex BF, but its the only time she has it and knowing that all other times of the day/night she has my milk is good enough for me!

I felt bad at first and guilt ridden about not persevering with exclusive BF, but the sleep deprivation really really got to me and like you, I was in tears all the time. Anxious about everything, Worried about even leaving the house at one point. (Couldn't explain why, just was)

When my sleep pattern started to calm and I started getting a couple of hours in a row, things took on an entirely different perspective and dealing with other trivial things that had previously nearly sent me over the edge just didn't seem as bad.
You've done amazing to reach 18wks! well done you.

so she had a formula feed, and it may become a regular thing, but she IS almost ex BF - so what! - your doing amazing.