1 year old behaviour - is it the milk connection?

[jaycay]

Hi,

I have never posted on MN before and don't really know where else to turn. So if you can help i'd be very grateful.

Our 1 year old is making our lives hell (me, dh and 2 other kiddies 7 and 3)and i don't know whether or not this is connected to breastfeeding.

Bit of background, have always fed on demand, ds has always been a very difficult baby from about age 2 weeks. Would not be put down anywhere without crying, no pram, no bouncy chair, no car seat, no jumperoo, tried going down all the colic roads, nothing helped. Without going into reams of detail he has always been like this, never happy for long.

So now he is 1 year, yes he doesn't cry all the time, but the strange thing is now he ONLY really cries/moans/whinges with me and its VERY intense. As soon as i walk into the room he is in he stops playing happily and crawl over to me crying. If i am in his company he will whinge and cry and make life unbearable for everyone. He will crawl all over me if i am sitting on the floor, until i feed him then the cycle will start again.

I cannot emphasise enough he is making my life SO stressful as its just me who he does this for...what have i done? Is it the milk connection?

If DH is looking after him he is the model baby? He will happily just potter about the house playing with toys or anything he can find, no crying whinging, he is angelic.

Do you think weaning him off the breast will help?

really appreciate any input

No advice but sounds awful for you, would you like some wine?

Hi Jaycay and welcome to MN.

I'm not sure I can help you but fwiw (see acronym list at top of page!) my experience is not too far from yours -

my ds is 14m. He, too, would not be put down as a wee one - he lived in the sling for a good couple of months. Gradually he got better and better and now he's pretty good.

Having said that, if I am in the room, that's it he's got to be attached to me. He only bf's through the night , not during the day any more. But as far as he is concerned, I am his personal chair/footstool/cushion/ladder!

Until recently, he also didn't want to know about his dad except for playtime. Even then if I came in the room and went out, ds would start howling. Whenever I left him for his dad to look after - howling. (Made his dad VERY - and me!!)

Some of them are just like it, I think. I don't see that cutting the bfing would help necessarily, as in your case I think your son is just using it to re-establish his ties to you. (For comfort, if you like.) I'm sure someone else will come along better informed than I am, but my guess would be it might start to settle down soon. (My ds has even started to let his dad settle him sometimes now he is 14m!)

good luck!

My DS is similar but I've always thought it's separation anxiety more than bf

hi thanks for he quick responses, i just don't understand how he actually enjoys it... he doesn't seem happy around me, cries/whinges constantly, tries to hang off my leg, follow me about, its just my presence which sets him off...how can he be SO "two-faced" if i can say that about a baby?

he doesn't feed at night incidently and wil go to sleep a dream with his dad, sleeps until 4am then i feed him will sleep a little longer..

dh is getting fed up, so am i but i don't know what to do????????????

on another note he will happily go off in all directions at toddler groups, it is mainly at home he is like this and if we ever attempt family outings....the puschair is like a ticking timebomb......do have a sling but sometimes he wants to get out of that!

so it sounds like he doesn't like being at home with mum, but doesn't mind with dad..

oh how confusing!

Well...

can I first just say that the only parenting book I read was called "One-ness and Separation" and it was all about the process babies go through, from being completely at-one with their mums, to being their own people (it was just a bit academic ).

Everything I say is going to be based on that and my own (limited!) experience, so don't be surprised if everyone else piles on to say what I'm saying is rubbish.

But - it seems to me, when they start to realise that they are separate people, well, that can be scary. Suddenly they realise they have the responsibility for their own selves, their bodies and so on - and that sometimes this will clash with what you (so far, the ultimate provider of all their love, food, safety, etc) want. Scary!!

At the same time, their bodies are learning how to take them away from you (walking) - REALLY scary!!

Add to that, they are desperately curious about all that you are doing, and finding themselves too short/clumsy whatever. You are the most important thing in their entire universe and - holy cow! - you might do stuff they can't understand or participate in. AARRGGHH!

Now can you see, a bit more, why they might be kind of desperate to cling on to their mothers? You are the best, safest thing he knows, and he's just starting to realise that he is not you. No wonder he wants comfort in the form of bfing.

My guess (and let me just stress how little experience I have here!) is that he will grow out of it fairly soon, and that trying to wean him now would make him a lot unhappier, at least in the short term.

Btw, my son is the same in terms of hanging on/following me about (and I have the pinch marks all over my upper thighs to prove it).

hth

Hi, thanks PhD, it just seems he's so unhappy with me, it just doesn't seem right, i am umming and ahhing about weaning off the breast..just don't know what to do. i know all that attachment parenting stuff is theoretically right but sometimes i just don't think its practical in the modern world...just what i think after trying it with my first son, who also had bad separation anxiety but in a different kind of way...i know having strong separation anxiety means they are strongly attached, but this has beedn going on for months and i can see it continuing, its not much fun for anyone i can see....

anyway thatnks fo replying, i'll just have to take it day by day, hopefully starting nursery for a few hours in august might help....

I am sure it is miserable, god knows it drives me nuts and it's probably easier for me, not having any older kids or a job!

off to bed now, see you around...

bump this thread tomorrow morning, see if you can get more responses!

Thanks for directing me here, PhD; it looks like my son is going through a very similar thing! He is very strongly attached, and he must be starting to feel himself as a separate person. JayCay, I am sorry to say that, aside from commiserating that I am dealing with something quite similar described here. Nothing more than instinct tells me that weaning is not the answer, and would only make things harder.

Good luck to you!

I know exactly how you feel, have had very much the same with ds!

He is now 18 mo and we are starting to get it under control through pure behaviourism (Alfie Kohn fans look away now!).

I ONLY feed him on his bed, at night and nap time (and when he wakes up). Whenever he clings to my legs or whinges I tell him I don't like that sound and I'm going to ignore it, then as soon as he stops I give him a cuddle and lots of praise.

I also try to give him attention when he's not asking for it, so when he's doing things nicely by himself I try to make eye contact and smile or chat to him (when often what I want is to just get on and do whatever I'm doing quickly!)

It seems to be working, but I have to be absolutely consistent - if I give in at all he gets much worse immediately.

Have wondered about weaning him fully, but tbh I just don't have the heart!

Hi thanks everyone for posting, the tips are good, i really don't want to wean him completely so have decided now to only feed him before naps or evening sleep, i have tried this today by distracting him with food or toy, its bloody hard work as he keeps on pecking away at me but i don't know what else to do. I really feel that the problem is probably with me and with feeding him everytime he whinged/cried, so now as ib says i really do need to be consistent.

thanks for the link RoRo, i'll have a look now.

thanks PhD for taking the time to post, just talking about it is cheering me up, even though i have spent most of today trying to avoid my ds! (don't worry dh is off work at the mo).

jay, I found that as well as distracting him, telling him I wasn't going to feed him except at bedtime 'because feeding him all the time is making mummy very tired' helped.

I found telling him what I was going to do as well as doing it consistently was better - he seemed to get it sooner once I started doing that.