Advice on what to do about breastfeeding baby and also looking after toddler

[OnePeppyDuck]

Just thought I’d ask for any advice if anyone has been in a similar situation
i always wanted to bf but with my first baby lack of knowledge and lack of support led to Ff from day one, I only nursed for comfort with a minimal supply until he got bored at 2 months and stopped.
2.5 years later had my second baby and I was determined this time to do it. First night in the hospital she was feeding ALL night and I know this can be cluster feeding so I stuck it out. Midwifes said her latch was fine she’s just a big hungry baby.
i spent all night every night for 2.5 weeks constantly feeding her only for her to lose too much weight and struggled to gain it back, we were put on a triple feeding plan which was exhausting me. She was found to have a tongue tie which we had released at 4 weeks pp.
(sorry for the long post) just after this two relatives passed away a day apart one was expected but the other was sudden and a shock, I couldn’t stick to it so I started pumping instead. However pumping has taken its toll mentally on me I can’t stand it anymore.
every time I try and bf she feeds for hours even though I hear swallowing she will never be satisfied, on top of this my toddler is very mischievous and hates me spending all my time with baby he will misbehave pull her head away pull my nursing pillow away, pull chairs up to the worktops and climb up, move away my water grab my hand to pull me away , you get the jist, it’s all causing me so much stress and we’ve been supplementing with formula and pumping aswell.
shes 3 months now and past two days I’ve only FF her to get a break from constant pumping and feeding but I feel soo sad at letting it go a second time. I know nothing wrong with FF I’m just so sad I didn’t get to bf again and I’m really not sure what to do.
sorry for the rant but I need advice if anyone has been in a similar situation to me what did you end up doing. P.s we also had tongue tie released but it’s not helped

Struggling mentally with pumping/bf

@OnePeppyDuck ah I totally hear you :(
I was determined to breastfeed my first but my supply never satisfied her so I was feeding and pumping and feeding and pumping every waking moment. I saw a lactation consultant, joined groups and basically cried all the time with exhaustion until she got sent to A&E after a midwife appt because she’d lost so much weight. There, the doctor said you’re just not making enough for her to thrive, you need to give her formula. I needed to hear that - we started formula and only then did I start to enjoy my baby. But I felt grief and shame that I hadn’t been able to do that. She was 6 weeks.

I had my second daughter just 12 months later. The age gap was so close that I started off breastfeeding bur when her weight began to drop, I introduced formula pretty quickly - my supply dried up around 4 weeks and I was sad but I was overwhelmed with two babies and knew it was the right choice.

My third arrived 8 weeks ago. With a three year age gap I was DETERMINED I could do it this time. I was obsessed with having the breastfeeding experience I’d missed out on before. I was more relaxed, more experienced and more confident. We were okay until about 3 weeks and he just wasn’t gaining quite enough and I found myself at war with my three year old who just didn’t understand. It broke/is breaking my heart. So I introduced some formula around 4 weeks - I’ve tried to mix feed but I can feed him for 40 mins and he will still take most of a bottle afterwards. This feels ridiculous at night so now I’m down to one or two measly feeds a day and acknowledging that I’m about to close the breastfeeding chapter again as he’s often just frustrated at the breast now.

However, it has meant that I’ve been able to focus more on my two toddlers and make sure they are okay. I’ve been able to give the baby to my mum with a bottle and get out of the house for a much needed walk, to ask my husband to do a late feed. And when I cried my eyes out about mourning breastfeeding to a health visitor last week she said “you have done brilliantly. You did your best for your newborn baby and now you have to do what’s best for all. That means you and and your other children.” I liked that and it shifted my perspective. We haven’t failed but there’s no one route to “breastfeeding” success. We’ve done and are doing the best we can!

I know the feeling at night I was also feeding then hoping to put her back down to sleep only for her to wake and need a bottle anyway, and then my toddler would also wake up 🥲 it’s rubbish but I know what you mean, you have to put all kids first as well as baby. But it still doesn’t mean you won’t be sad about you feeding journey especially when fuelled with weaning hormones too. I remember with my first I started to feel better once he started solids. Sounds like you have a great health visitor too she gave you some sound words there

Hope you're doing okay @OnePeppyDuck