Just needed an outlet to try and get a bit of closure on my breastfeeding journey with DS. Looking for support rather than advice in all honestly - this is a long one so thanks in advance if you manage to read all the way to the end!
When I had DD almost 3 years ago now I combi fed her from the start having been put on a triple feeding plan after a tongue tie caused her to lose a lot of weight and we were hospitalised for jaundice. After some ongoing issues and a hefty dose of post partum anxiety over what she was getting, I primarily expressed and bottle fed for 4 months while supplementing with formula, and nursing for comfort in between before managing to transition back to breastfeeding. I eventually bf her until she was 2, stopping when I was 4 months pregnant with DS.
DS is now 3 months old. When he was born I was so ready to breastfeed having spent so much energy on it with DD and overcome so many challenges for a successful feeding journey. Initially he latched well and everything seemed to be going ok, however he was slow to gain weight and dropped two centiles in the first 5 weeks. He had terrible reflux and would be really sick and uncomfortable after every feed, and after my supply started to regulate at around 6 weeks he was often really sleepy at the boob - I suddenly never seemed to be able to get him to take a full feed despite trying lots of techniques - switch feeding, stripping off, breast compressions etc. Night feeds in particular were really hard with him struggling to latch properly and constantly clicking. Even when adding in a couple of bottles of expressed milk a day he was still slow to put on weight and I started to worry that he was taking very little between bottles.
Having had him assessed by a lactation consultant, they advised that he had a posterior tongue tie, a high bubble palette and a recessed jaw. They advised against division of the tongue tie as it was mild, and that the issues were a combination of all three things. The advice was to offer top ups of expressed milk or formula when he was tired or time was a constraint, and pump to maintain supply. This was really good advice, but ultimately it had really triggered the PPA I’d experienced previously and my MH took a very quick nosedive - I was continually worried about how much he was getting, worried that every cry was because of hunger and feeding was becoming a full time job absorbing my entire headspace. I was almost triple feeding again to try and feed, offer a bottle afterwards to top up and make sure he was satisfied and gaining enough, and pump to keep up supply. My anxiety was absolutely through the roof which was affecting let down and any time that I was spending with my 2.5 year old. This was all within the space of a few short weeks - I spiralled really quickly. At this point I made the decision to go back to primarily expressing and bottle feeding for as long as I could to keep my milk supply and see how it went - that way I could keep track of what he was getting and could breastfeed in between feeds for comfort if needed and see if I could get him latching better in time, however given his reflux even when he did latch well he’d be sick straight away after feeding so this didn’t really happen.
I kept up expressing for another 5 weeks but slowly started to wind it down when it started to become more of a chore, I decided not to flog myself to death over it and given he was taking formula well I felt comfortable with this. He’s now fully on formula and is absolutely thriving. His weight gain has improved, he’s so much more settled and happy than he was in those first couple of months - he never stops smiling. Sleep is getting better and we are getting into a nice rhythm of life with shared feeding between me and my partner (which has massively strengthened their bond) and has allowed me to keep spending precious time with my toddler without DS being attached to my boob for hours on end. It’s also been so much easier getting reflux meds into him with bottle feeding and whilst still a bit of an issue he’s so much less uncomfortable.
That being said, now the clouds have lifted I can’t help but feel sad that our bf journey has come to an end. I was fully ready to breastfeed for another two years but wasn’t prepared for any challenges to hit me so hard and so fast mentally- I just didn’t feel strong enough to push through and needed to prioritise my sanity to be the best mum I could be to both of my children. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I do think I probably blew all the issues out of proportion and feel weak for having stopped so soon. I know he can and will latch, but given my supply has dropped so much the last time I tried he was so frustrated it wasn’t really worth it and it made me feel even more guilty! So not sure I want to put either of us through trying it again.
Ultimately, he’s fed, healthy and happy and has had 3 months of breast milk in various forms, and we’re all happier for it given I’m no longer a shell of myself panicking about weight gain, but I think I will always feel that bit of sadness that it could and maybe should have been different if I had been stronger.
Thanks for reading - if you’ve made it this far!