Non judgmental advice re BF / pumping journey please

[FluentFinch]

Hi all

Not sure exactly what I’m looking for - opinion s / hopefully a confidence boost.

FTM and had my DD prematurely. 35 weeks. Had a NICU stay which was tough - established breastfeeding with help of a nipple shield but has always had bottles of set MLs to help with weight gain as was very small at birth (2kg). I express milk and currently make 500ml a day - not quite a full supply as she has 700-800ml a day but it’s something!

have never been able to latch without nipple shields but would happily feed for comfort and some feeds in between bottles. We had some intense weight gain pressure at the end of October so focused on bottles and volumes and my baby seems to have developed a bottle preference from this! I can get her to latch but it takes all manner of distraction and fundamentally the flow isn’t fast enough leading to frustration. I did manage an end of night comfort feed this week.

I Was a bit upset that this might be the end of our breastfeeding journey but fundamentally feel that I have so many ways of bonding with her now (14 weeks actual; 9 weeks adjusted) that I don’t need to directly breastfeed to have a bond. I will keep pumping.

MIL has unhelpfully said breastfeeding is the most unique way of bonding with a child, the most important thing to them etc. so I feel like a huge failure and like I won’t have the same bond. Doesn’t help that DH gives bottles to help me rest at night which I feel guilty for.

I suppose I feel like I want to focus on pumping and bottle feeding but feel like a failure and so terribly judged by MIL who has from day one been against be pumping, saying it’s ridiculous and that DD should be breastfed directly (adding insult to injury given that I physically can’t)

Congrats on your baby! Ignore everyone’s unhelpful opinions. Bottle feeding is fine and the bond will be the same. I say that as someone who extended breastfed both of mine, but my sister and many friends didn’t. There’s no difference in the bonds, I promise.

Just wanted to jump on and say well done for trying so hard through a NICU stay. Relatives will always have advice and it’s hard to make your own judgements through that. You could try seeking advice on different positions to try BF in if you did want another shot at continuing - I really struggled with latching, tried many positions bit once baby got a bit stronger it seemed the latch was much easier and he seemed to learn how to do it by himself. Editing to add: you clearly love your baby and are well bonded already so enjoy the cuddles whatever happens with feeding.

Another one here who BF and I’d say to hell with what your “D”MIL says. Her comments are extremely unhelpful at best.

Please don’t feel guilty about getting rest either. You need rest so that you are present when you’re with her.

If your DD has a strong preference for bottles, and it does happen, it’s fine to continue pumping but for me that was the far harder than BFing and it sounds very time consuming.

You might want to think about ringing one of the BFing Helplines to talk about your journey so far and how you’re feeling and explore whether you’re happy to keep pumping or whether say you like to start to reduce this over the next couple of months so that by say 6 months she is FF?

Firstly: you are a great Mum, well done for getting this far especially after a tough birth. My son was in NICU too and our BFing journey was a real battle as a consequence, but we made it BF & pumping to 14 months in the end.

Definitely try the breastfeeding helpline and any local breastfeeding walk in support pop ups you can access - although it’s a bit of a lottery to get someone good, so try a few people if needed. But that will hopefully be the most useful guidance on what is feasible.

I know one mum who exclusively pumped through to weaning, which took a toll (lots of car pumping) but she was adamant she wanted to do it (she is a dietician). So it is possible but the trade off is lost time among other things.

I’d suggest having a calm but candid chat to you MIL about your situation, and how you feel, hopefully it will mellow her and repair the relationship a little. If not, then at least you tried. She’s right in a general way that many of the benefits of breastfeeding come from that nipple connection, but it can’t work if the latch is too painful to sustain, so it’s a moot point.

Be mindful that milk fed or pumped at night is different in composition and benefit to milk fed during the day, so if your DH is doing night feeds just make sure you’re not missing anything you or your baby might want. Night time feeds and bonding are their own kind of special. I’d ask an expert or read up on this yourself to inform how you choose to manage it.

Congratulations on your baby, and working so hard to get ANY breastmilk into her. That’s a huge achievement.

DH needs to have a word with MIL about her thoughtless/unkind/downright rude assertions. You know what’s far worse for bonding than not breastfeeding? A depressed mother. So she needs to STFU.

Just wanted to say huge thank you for all of your helpful responses and sorry no time to reply to each one! Really helpful viewpoints and things to consider.

I’ve taken the pressure of myself in terms of forcing the latch and have felt like a mentally different person for the last few days and enjoying my DD more than ever. Had one occasion where she latched at bedtime when she was sleepy which was nice and shows there is some hope.

I think I just need to weigh up whether I invest the time trying to make direct BF work or, given the start we’ve had, I just enjoy her now!

really so appreciative for non judgmental advice.

MIL had a really easy time BF all of her children and I think it can be difficult for those who find BF easy to contemplate that people can have real difficulties with it

Do whatever works best for you and do not feel guilty for your DH giving bottles at night so you can rest. Fwiw the comments come no matter what! I have a 2 week old and am bf, but I’m getting the opposite comments/ pressure- DM repeatedly asking when I am going to start bottle feeding because ‘it’s easier’ and so ‘grandma can have a turn’.

That was my experience too. The comments about sleeping through started not long after.

DC1 breastfed to 2 years, DC2 struggled to put on weight and as soon as we started combi feeding made his preference for bottles clear. Bond is equally strong with both - just that DC2 isn't obsessed with my breasts!

A great thing I read on MN is that no teacher will be able to tell how a child in their class came into the world or was initially fed. Every teacher can tell if a child was read to every day. This period feels so critical when you're in it - but it's really just the start of a long journey. There are so many ways you can bond and help your child develop. Grab a book and ignore your MIL!

I could of posted exactly the same scenario with DS2. It took ages for him to get the hang of BF after being in SCBU etc

One thing I didn't realise at the time is that he had a tongue tie which certainly didn't help with his latch. Have you looked into this

Honesty op ! You can’t win as a mum! If it’s not breastfeeding people have an opinion on - then it’s something else
the way the birth went - why a c section? Oh you had an epidural???

you do what’s working for you and dont be explaining yourself to anyone!!

Hi OP, first of all, it must have been really hard for you. I must insist that exclusive pumping IS breastfeeding. You are feeding your child your breastmilk.

• First thing I would do is to shut your MIL up. Tell your husband that her comments are hurting you and adding to your stress and insist that he advocates for you and stand up to her. Tell her that how you feed your baby is not her business and if she's not happy with it, she's free to stop visiting
• I have exclusively pumped my DC for 15 months due to latch issues. I'm glad I did it but I wish I had more support with the latch issues earlier. Exclusive pumping is doable but it's really hard. It's entirely your choice, but if I could go bak in taime, I would persevere in getting help with latch (preferably from IBCLC consultants)
• Regarding bonding, I found it the hardest in the first 3 months when my baby wanted to be in my arms all the time. After that I found it easier to engage with him while pumping. I would put him on his mat, and sing a song/ play peekaboo / play with his hands and feet etc... while pumping. As the child grows older, you will have more and more opportunities to bond with her.
• I advise you to go to the website Exclusive pumping and the facebook "Exclusive pumping mamas" for advice on making it easier and support.

I expressed and bottle fed my DD from around 6 weeks to 11 months, it had no impact on our bonding but massive positive impact on my mental health and happiness as a mum (by not having the agony of her trying to latch onto my thrush-infected nipples every few hours).

I think you’re absolutely right to take some space to consider whether it is worth it (for you) to see an IBCLC with the goal to get baby back on the breast. Or whether you are content with expressing. Either is of course absolutely fine, but both are options to pursue! Recommend Lucy Webber if online, or check IBCLC website otherwise for nearest practitioner. They are extremely qualified and well skilled and avoids the patchy advice you may get with other types of practitioner.

With the emotional aspects I recommend checking out “Breastfeeding Psychology” website or instagram as specialist emotional support is available from a clinical psychologist for things like this. The impact can be huge, I know!