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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

What does your DP/DH think about you breast feeding?

12 replies

rascal1979 · 04/06/2008 09:20

My DH says that he is pleased that I am exclusively Breast Feeding DD as it is the best thing for her. However he doesn't think that what I am doing is a 'big deal' and takes a lot of effort - he isn't proud of me and I want him to be

LO was 9 weeks prem and I had to express for 9 weeks before she could feed from me.

Am I being silly and should just get on with it or do you think he should be more appreciative and proud of me?
Just that a pat on the back once in a while would be nice

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theyoungvisiter · 04/06/2008 09:29

First of all - hooray! Well done you, it's a huge achievement and you have the right to be proud.

In answer to your q - I think it depends on the age of the baby. At first my partner was very supportive of my bfing and gave me a lot of help to get it started. However (probably quite rightly) after it was established it just became another part of our routine and he stopped giving me any particular pats on the back or support. I think he was pleased that I was doing it, and proud of me for persevering through difficulties in the early days, but I don't think he saw it as a massive achievement day-to-day, which (to be honest) after a while it wasn't.

So I think he was supportive in proportion to how difficult I found it - which is probably fair enough in my opinion.

Also it's difficult to remember to pat on the back. He did/does lots of things which I am proud about, like being a great dad, and giving me lie-ins now I am pregnant again, but I don't routinely tell him how wonderful he is. I might say "thank you" every now and again but often I take it as his part of the parenting role, just as I'm sure he takes breastfeeding to be my part of the parenting deal.

It is hard in the early days when the burden often falls unfairly hard on the mother's shoulders, especially if you are bfing, and I don't think men always appreciate the weird claustrophic hard work involved in looking after a small baby - but I don't think that's an intentional slight - just a reflection of the fact that without any experience of being in that situation it's often hard to imagine another person's trials.

You don't say whether you are still finding bfing difficult or if feeding is now going well...? Either way I think it's important to talk to your partner and help him understand any pressures you are under, to give him a chance to understand.

Phew, sorry this is such a long post!

belgo · 04/06/2008 09:31
theAfkaUrbanDryad · 04/06/2008 09:34

when my ds was little, dh didn't think i was doing anything special as all he saw was me and ds sat on the sofa all day!

you're doing really well though! well done!

tiktok · 04/06/2008 09:34

rascal, have your feelings got something to do with the residuals of having i) a baby who came far sooner than expected ii) the stress of having a baby born this pre-term and all the issues with that to do with special care, worries about health and recovery?

Having a baby like this is massively challenging, and sometimes you don't get the chance to reflect and take a breath, because you are then (naturally) taken up with the busy stuff of being a new parent.

To express for 9 weeks is a huge achievement, and most women would not manage to do it - them's the facts. You do deserve congrats, and he does too, because without his support it would have been even harder. So you can be proud of him, too! I think he should be prouder of you, though

rascal1979 · 04/06/2008 09:40

Thanks everyone!

I LOVE breastfeeding and plan to carry on til DD self weans. I'm finding it much better and loads easier than in the early days.

Yesterday she fed loads and I suppose I was a little jealous when DH came home from work and was able to do his 'own thing' whilst I was sat with DD on my boob all evening

Tiktok - think you are right with my feelings still being connected to her being on SCBU and my feeligns of helplessness when she was there - expressing and eventually BF was all I felt I could do for my baby

Now she is almost 6mths old people have forgotten what we went throug but it's still in my thoughts daily - I am coming to terms with this tho

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theAfkaUrbanDryad · 04/06/2008 09:51

rascal - you don't need to be stuck on the sofa because you're bf-ing! have you got a ring sling or a wrap? i found both invaluable with my little milk monster!!

Bramshott · 04/06/2008 10:06

Aww Rascal, I have just been coo-ing over your lovely photos of your DD - she looks so like my DD1 when she was in SCBU!

I think the thing about men and breastfeeding is that often they really don't realise that it's a big deal - if they are broadly supportive, it can come down to "well you have breasts, so you can breastfeed"! I'm sure that deep down your DH is proud that you are doing the best for your DD.

Were you still working when you went into labour early? I only ask because I had a similar experience with DD1 and found it a huge shock to go from one day being at work with measurable goals, people saying well done etc, to the next suddenly being a parent where you don't really know what you're doing, and quite often no-one says "well done, you're doing a great job".

rascal1979 · 04/06/2008 10:36

yep finished on the friday at 5.30pm and had her the next day at 8.53pm due to HELLP syndrome!

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chipmonkey · 04/06/2008 11:25

rascal, most men really haven't got much of a clue about breastfeeding, it's not something they do, so it doesn't interest them.
My dh thinks that the choice to breastfeed is a "no-brainer" and that of course something that nature intended us to do and evolved over millions of years is better than something invented by some corporation 50 years ago.

Now, having said that, the ins and outs of bfing do not interest him at all and I can see his eyes glaze over if I mention something that has come up on an MN bfing thread. Also, my ds3 was also prem and I work 4 days a week, yet I had to convince him that my double electric breast pump was worth the money to keep ds3 exclusively bf. ( Once he saw it he was very impressed though!)

If you talk to most mothers who have bf, they will be very impressed that you exclusively pumped for so long and you will get big kudos for it amongst us! But if your dh is typical of most men, he'll be more interested in the Premier League.

LiegeAndLief · 04/06/2008 16:19

Hi Rascal

If it's any consolation I pumped for 7 weeks and although dh is pleased that I bf he has never said he is proud of me - I don't think he thinks about it like that. In fact now we are coming up to 2 years he is rather keen that I stop! I don't think men really understand how much it takes do they? It was just something I did. And after a few months I enjoyed it far too much to feel proud of myself

ChairmumMiaow · 04/06/2008 17:40

DH has never actualy said he's proud of me but he's not a very expressive person like that. I know he understands that it can be hard from how supportive he was, and still is. When I'm feeding, whatever he's doing he will always fetch drinks and cushions etc. He felt bad for me with the 6 hour cluster feeds and sore nipples, and expressed a wish that he could be more help.

He also puts up wih my rants about feeding issues, and is very supportive about my plans to become a BF peer supporter. A while ago I said I wanted to tail off the BF after around a year and he asked what the recommendations were. When I told him it was 2 years, he asked me to keep going!

I'm only at 4 months but its nice ti know that DH appreciates that the responsibility for being the only feeder for DS can be hard, and that some days sitting on the sofa for hours can get you down! Why not try telling your DH that a little special consideration on the bad days would really help you?

rascal1979 · 04/06/2008 21:42

Hi L&L

Thanks for all your comments I think I was just having a down day and feeling undervalued - you have all sorted that out

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