FTM struggling 4 month old

[FTM202587]

Hello
I have a 17 week old. We EBF until 12 weeks. I had help from lactation consultant and BF network who all said her BF was ‘normal ‘ which I now know it wasn’t . The feeds to start with were a hour long (I was ok with this!) but then from 6-12 weeks were continuous throughout the whole day. Actually continuous.

She was gaining weight along her centile but fractious if ever removed from the breast. I would take her off to do tummy time but not enough. She would latch and unlatch herself and never come away satisfied, I was told mild posterior TT but not limiting range motion and so not to do anything. but I think perhaps there was one. My biggest regret is not seeking out more opinions.

at 12 weeks we moved to formula feeding due to the above and severe PND and PNA. Since then things have really gone downhill.

she takes the bottle well- I do 5x150ml feeds a day. But she is so hard to get to sleep for naps, no longer wants to contact nap and I feel I’ve lost all connection with her :(

she has some spit up, which everyone reassures me is normal.

we have NO routine or structure to the day and once she is awake for 2 hours she has a meltdown. Without the boob or a dummy (she won’t take one) I am unable to soothe her and she works herself out. As such I am reluctant to leave the house.

I am so worried about her development as minimal tummy time in the early months .

everyone I see is doing so much better then me and I am failing as a mum.

I have spent hours googling what could be wrong- reflux, silent reflux, CMPA but have no idea.

in order to get out the house I have to accept that I will need to push her in the buggy crying which I find heartbreaking.

in the morning she wakes up crying (sleeps 8pm - 6am) , has morning bottle, some tummy time and play, she sometimes moans / grissles during this which I am not sure is pain or boredom , then at 8am I run out the house so that she falls asleep perfectly timed in the buggy.

then after a coffee by myself I come home and the above repeats 3 times before it’s bed time - this consists of crying before the bath, and when out of the bath. Final bottle and then bed. It’s breaking my heart :(

I have managed to time a couple of sessions at the local library for song time and sensory classes .

I burp her well I think . She has some spit up with every feed maybe 2 teaspoons , never been sick.

I am seeing a private paediatrician next week but not even sure what symptoms to say- my baby cries if overtired and I have no way to soothe her and that bedtime is a battle !? Everyone tells me it’s normal baby behaviour .

Overnight I can hear her passing bottom wind and she lifts her legs up in her sleep.

we are using HIPP organic - ready to drink when out. I am not sure if maybe trapped gas leading to being upset during the day.

any help or advice welcome !

Sounds like a normal baby and routine? She's sleeping and feeding well. She cries in the buggy and cries before bath time and cries when she's overtired. That's what babies do. They cry an awful lot.

Honestly don't be so hard on yourself.

Thank you- I go out to baby classes and she is the only one grissling. All the other babies look so happy and content .
I feel like my life has to be timed to perfection otherwise she cries and then no consoling her .

today I went to the park after a baby class to have some lunch and we passed the two hour wake window - queue meltdown in the pram, put her in the carrier - still crying ,,,, managed to get her to sleep in 10 minutes with rocking and then walked around the park for 2 hours to keep her to sleep.

she doesn’t like going in the pram or carrier during a wake window - cries / spits up.

I feel like I can’t go out in public or get anything done round the house

She sleeps 10 hours straight?? That's incredibly lucky. Like, unbelievable. You should be having masses of energy.

And no, you can't get anything done around the house with a 4 month old.

Think you have some unrealistic expectations there.

Some get lucky with a potato baby that just sits there. Most don't. Many of the other mums are also trying to time everything to perfection.

In terms of putting them for a nap, I found a yoga ball helpful, I'd hold DS and bounce up and down. We also had a rocking chair which did the trick sometimes.

Yes I know I am lucky with the sleep- I think the formula does that though? I wish I was also sleeping but with the PND I am not in a good way.

everyone tells me ‘babies cry’ but I am annoyed with myself for sometimes not being able to work out why she is. I try to change the scenery which sometimes helps.

I often wonder if she is still hungry- she is only 5kg & does drain the 5x150ml bottles a day- she never refuses anything !

sometimes if she wakes up at 5am then I give her a 6th bottle and then settle her back down for another hour .

I feel like she is so unloving to me since we stopped BF, I am missing the contact naps and my smiling girl. I hate the grossly battle for naps.

whenever I go out I don’t see other babies crying like she does. Around me everyone is breastfeeding and I see their smiling content babies who can make a class at the same time each day and stay out all day . I am spending so much time at home out of embarrassment for the crying and I can’t plan anything in advance

thank you again for taking the time to reply

Oh bless you. It’s bloody tough. Try to push away the breastfeeding guilt - you did what you could for as long as you could. Your baby takes a bottle which is fab.

i never got the obsession with tummy time. My first baby hated it and to be honest I kind of forgot about it with the second. It won’t impact on your baby’s development- they will roll over on to their tummy when they are ready.

try not to compare to other babies. They are all different and while other mums might seem like they have it together, you can be sure there is something they are struggling with at home when no one is looking.

try and focus on what works for you. Try different things until you find something your baby likes. If you have to walk them to sleep in the pushchair, do that until you find something else that works. Try different timings so they might be a bit less grizzly. Try gripe water for the wind. Give yourself a break - you are learning too. If you don’t want to leave the house, stay at home and watch Netflix in your pants, eating cake!

Hey just thought I'd say my dd is exactly like this but is breastfed so I doubt it's anything you are doing. If you think she's hungry try feeding her again?

I am nervous to give her more formula for fear of over feeding her … she’s put on a bit of weight since going on formula - moved from 2nd centile to between the 2nd and 9th

It’s at the stage where I can’t even tell if my baby is hungry or not . I feel like such a failure for not even knowing this!

The problem with breastfeeding is that those babies are waking every 2 hours for a fucking boob and those mums get ZERO breaks. I know, I was that mum. Still am.

Yes, I can comfort my child. But I am the only one. The only. I haven't been out for dinner or seen a friend for a drink in 12 months as I have to be there for bedtime. Every time.

Most mums of small babies don't have some Instagram life. Let go of that standard. Everyone is just muddling through.

If she's draining all her bottles try feeding her a bit more often. 5 bottles a day isn't a lot compared to ebf when babies will easily feed 12x a day. Little and often might be worth a try? It's annoying wasting milk but ideally babies will choose by themselves when to stop. If you look at paced/ responsive feeding you'll minimise the risk of over feeding.

Also, 4 months is really hard. You're not doing anything wrong. It's a tough time for so many babies. Best wishes to you.

I know some people suggest it’s too early but I started noticing a difference around 4 months with the pram, she hated lying down flat it in, I moved her into the seat part just before 5 months, I did tilt it back abit so she wasn’t completely upright all the time and had her facing me but my word it made a difference, she was so happy just looking around I can’t believe the difference it made

Sounds like you're having a particularly tough time with the PND and PNA, and this is likely to be making things seem much worse than they are. Your baby's behaviour doesn't sound that unusual but it can feel really stressful when yours is the only one crying and fussing in a baby class. I would definitely try feeding her a little more incase she's hungry (and personally I can never tell for sure when my baby's crying because of hunger, sometimes they just need more than you expect because of a growth spurt). I would also try to use the baby carrier more as this might be a good way to settle her and I find it's really nice for bonding.

Yeah my dd always shows hunger cues. Sucking on fingers and gurning but not actually hungry I just offer often she'll take it if she wants

When she is awake she doesn’t like being in the pram or the carrier . It is only if she is about to fall asleep that I can put her in with the knowledge that she will fall asleep in the next 10/15 minutes
Whatever formula she is given she takes so I am worried that I don’t want to make her vomit or over feed

Thank you for your replies - have managed to work on the wake windows and self settling in the pram… so that planning things around her routine / rough schedule is easier.
And make sure I am always equipt with the carrier in case needed … I see so many mums pushing an empty pram with their baby in the carrier now !

You sound like a lovely mum and your daughter will grow up knowing how loved and cared for she is. But I had severe PND/PNA with my eldest and it does make you question everything.

Some babies don't like contact naps and they absolutely don't need this to form loving bonds with parents. I am a twin and when we were babies my brother was also at home and with my dad at work, my mum physically couldn't contact nap us and we were down for every nap. Yet I grew up feeling very loved and secure with fantastic bonds to both my parents.

And my eldest hated tummy time too. He was lucky if I did 5 minutes a week. And the complete lack of tummy time had absolutely no impact on his development and he met all his milestones within the average time frame.

But both my babies have been criers and reflux and only settled once on hypoallergenic formula. It is definitely something I'd explore with your paediatrician.

I’ve had two babies. My first sounds like yours - she had some digestive issues I suspect, that made her uncomfortable a lot of the time for the first few months. She grew out of it and the lack of tummy time had zero effect on her development. My second baby is always content and smiling and I’ve done nothing differently! So I would try to go with the flow and be kind to yourself x