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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Ranting, swearing within

32 replies

VacantlyPretty · 26/05/2008 17:01

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ChairmumMiaow · 26/05/2008 20:29

Ok, to be more positive than my last post (although I still think it is appauling behaviour):

do you think it would help him to discuss it with some other dads? I understand that the co-sleeping is often a contentious subject (causing arguments between some friends with a 14 month DS who haven't really managed to resume any sort of sex life since the birth) but perhaps some advice from dads who manage / enjoy it might help.

Its hard to be helpful when I find it so difficult to understand what your DP's real issues are, but I expect you're feeling the same.

foxythesnowfox · 26/05/2008 20:38

My DP was keen for me to give up at 6 months because I had done before. He expected me to and was disappointed when I didn't. I think this was because he was expecting to get our relationship back on track.

I don't know about you, but whilst bf I have zero sex drive.

At about 9 months my libido came back.

Things have changed.

I have kind of showed willing by giving a bottle in the afternoon. Its a bit of a half-arsed gesture on my part to be honest.

Now, your DPs feelings are obviously a bit different to my DPs with the leaving the room, but I think that perhaps they get a bit jealous maybe?

foxythesnowfox · 26/05/2008 20:40

Oh, and we didn't sleep in the same bed until about 2 months ago. (LO is 10.5 months now).

VictorianSqualor · 26/05/2008 22:25

Did you LO leave your bed before he returned foxy?

foxythesnowfox · 27/05/2008 16:45

VS - it was all a bit of a chain-reaction. LO was ready to go into her own bed. She was spending the night rooting for milk rather than sleeping soundly. As she's not the greatest napper in the day, I felt it was important that she had a good nights sleep. She certainly didn't need me as such, she was just smelling milk and sleepily searching it out. As she doesn't wake up in her own bed I'm absolutely sure she isn't hungry in the night. So it was a fairly easy transition in that respect.

Of course then I started to sleep better and things followed naturally.

DP was never that keen on co-sleeping because sleep was never good and he'd worry about her. It was all quite tense, and resentment and seething brewed underneath the surface. When he did come to bed I'd send him off saying his snoring was waking the baby. What little sleep I was getting, I didn't want disturbed by him. I just didn't want to sleep with him if I'm honest.

Things have completely turned around now. And I don't feel as though I have compromised anything.

VictorianSqualor · 27/05/2008 17:04

VP - I spoke to DP about this last night, asked him a male perspective.

He thinks that your DP has some kind of problem aesthetically with the idea of your breasts being anything other than sexual, and is worried that by seeing them as feeding things for the baby he would feel somehow 'wrong' when you return to normality, iyswim, you know like some men won't have sex with a pregnant woman because of the baby.

Or is repulsed by the idea of feeding a baby from your body, the way some people are with other body functions, like vomit etc, though BFing isn't the same as those, it is a bodily function, which some people have phobias of.

Anyway, that's his opinion, he thinks that this is why he takes himself away from the feeding, but that he won't tell you because it sounds stupid, and he doesn't want to upset you, or is embarrassed at having those feelings.

He also said if he slept on the sofa, be it his doing or not, he'd feel really resentful of a special time between couples, the talk before you fall asleep and the intimacy revolving around sharing a bed, possibly causing jealousy of Elliot, no matter how much he loves him, more jealous of his and your relationship, than of him himself.

He also said, maybe you should try giving up co-sleeping, but do not for one moment consider giving up breastfeeding because you're doing a great job.

I agree with him.

Foxy, I can see that, I'd like to think that for VP things could be solved easily by dealing with the bed issue too.

foxythesnowfox · 27/05/2008 17:43

I think my DP certain felt the same. No intimacy in bed, (not just sex but no closeness) and a general sense of exclusion maybe? I didn't actually want him touching me, I felt maternal and not sexy IYSWIM.

Try not to resent him for feeling at odds with your breasfeeding. You are doing great, but perhaps he doesn't quite understand?

I hope you can get your issues sorted as we did. Not sleeping together seems so practical, but emotionally it is a complicated thing. Good luck VP.

Good post VS.

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