Help :( Cannot settle baby or get him comfortable

[Potatobakes]

Please help as we are really struggling.

weve recently roomed our second child. He’s now 4 weeks old but was born at 36+5. We are exclusively breastfeeding with him typically getting one small bottle of expressed breast milk at some point in the night.

For the past several days he’s become increasingly more upset and unsettled. He’s often on and off during feeds, possibly cluster feeding but he’s just not happy.

every time I try to put him down he cries. Which I understand may be him wanting the closeness. But it feels like more than that. At night, I’ll feed him, try to keep him upright / burp him (he’s difficult to burp), and when I put him down he’ll start crying within seconds and thrashes his legs around as if he’s uncomfortable.

he is only pooing you nice ever other day. And when he does go there’s loads of it, and it’s yellow and soft. So I don’t think he’s constipated. But I do wonder if it’s infant dyschezia. Either way I don’t think that helps. But the discomfort / not wanting to he put down happens even on the days where he’s had a big poo.

i just don’t know what to do. I am truly exhausted and it’s taking a toll on my mental health. I’m getting so little sleep because he’s not settling.

we have tried infacol and colief. Have tried different swaddles / sleeping bags etc. I just can’t seem to get him comfortable or settled and therefore I am not getting any sleep

we didn’t experience this with our first. He was bottle fed breast milk.

i dont know what to do :(

Is he actually getting the milk?
Even though he looks like he may be, maybe he isnt?
Is he more content after a bottle of expressed milk?

Can up raise the head end of the cot, put it on books or something else safe?

I don’t have an answer. Just to say that my baby has just started doing this about 4-5 days ago. She is 7 week old. She only does it with some feeds, others she’s fine. She comes off upset, I then attempt to wind her and sometimes will manage a burp and sometimes won’t. She kicks her legs and screams. We have noticed she improves after a poo (which have been possibly every other day maybe slightly less). So for us I think it might be upset stomach from needing to poo. However it appears to be more gas/wind related in the moment so I’m trying infacol. I haven’t noticed much improvement with that, it says to give it 2 weeks then move on to the next. Then if neither work to contact gp so you could try your gp?

Like you my DH gives her one small expressed bottle in the late evening near midnight. I also have a fast letdown so she gulps initially which is why I think our issue is partly gas. People have advised to feed leaning back and have her more upright but neither have helped so far. I have also tried expressing/pumping a bit before feeding her but I haven’t noticed much difference.

I hold her upright while she sleeps for 30+ minutes before attempting to put her down in the hopes that she will stay asleep. If I put her down too soon she immediately wakes up and then cries to be held. She has been like that since birth though, the first 4 weeks she wouldn’t go down at all. To the point that by week 4 I had to ask my mum and mil if they could visit and hold her for a few hours between 4-8am just so I could get brief naps between the feeds to function. Is there anyone who could help you, even if it’s a few nights a week? My back up plan became that if I got zero sleep then DH would have to get up between 6-7:30am before work so I could have a Power Nap. I do also sleep 10-midnight while DH gives her the mini bottle.

It's really common for 3-4 week old babies to not want to be put down. I think at this point 6 of the 7 babies in my NCT group had this issue. Most of them it only lasted a few days to a week. My daughter was the exception and couldn't be put down for months but she had reflux and allergy issues.
They are trying to figure out sleep and feeding and pooing all whilst trying to adjust to life on the outside, they've spent 9 months been carried around by you and are comforted by your heartbeat and smell and movement.
I started safe cosleeping at 3 weeks as I was at risk of accidentally cosleeping. She was having to be held for an hour plus each 3h feed cycle overnight so I was getting about an hour's sleep every 3h and it was unsustainable. Friends worked out a shift system so that both parents got a decent chunk of sleep. Usually alternating so every other sleep cycle mum just fed baby and dad did the holding until they were asleep and settled

this is something I wonder myself. But there are times when he feeds and actually does settle for 2-3 hours so I know he can. I don’t think he’s more settled after a bottle generally! I can definitely try raising the cot! Thank you for replying x

Our situations sound very similar! Sorry to hear you’re also struggling. My letdown is fast too I think. Yes we are also trying infacol and now Colief too. I think the same - sometimes I think it’s because he hasn’t pooed and other times it seems more like gas / trapped wind. I think I might need to try holding him upright afterwards for longer than I have been doing like you are. It’s just so hard when you’re so tired isn’t it. People then say about cosleeping but I’m so anxious to do that. Plus, when I look at the guidance it says not to do it if your baby was born before 37 weeks which ours was, just.

Yes to be honest I do have that support. My husband tends to swap with me for 2-3 hours at some point in tHe middle of the night and he’ll give me the expressed milk during that time. and that allows me to just about function. But I’m still exhausted and often have a headache in the day because of tiredness. I’ve always been someone who needs their sleep!

Our situations sound very similar! Sorry to hear you’re also struggling. My letdown is fast too I think. Yes we are also trying infacol and now Colief too. I think the same - sometimes I think it’s because he hasn’t pooed and other times it seems more like gas / trapped wind. I think I might need to try holding him upright afterwards for longer than I have been doing like you are. It’s just so hard when you’re so tired isn’t it. People then say about cosleeping but I’m so anxious to do that. Plus, when I look at the guidance it says not to do it if your baby was born before 37 weeks which ours was, just.
Yes to be honest I do have that support. My husband tends to swap with me for 2-3 hours at some point in tHe middle of the night and he’ll give me the expressed milk during that time. and that allows me to just about function. But I’m still exhausted and often have a headache in the day because of tiredness. I’ve always been someone who needs their sleep!

Thanks for normalising it. That is helpful to hear and hopefully it’ll get better. Cosleeping terrifies me as I’m so anxious about sids. But even when I’ve looked into it, the safe sleep 7 says not to do it if your baby was born before 37 weeks, which ours was (just). So I feel like it’s ruled out anyway x

Maybe worth asking your midwife/HV for information on the risks for your baby specifically especially as they were so close to 37 weeks. The risks will be different for each baby and it might be not until they are X weeks or Y kg or have reached Z milestones and so on. For you it might still rule out cosleeping but at least you would have information pertinent to your situation.

For me it was the decision between accidentally cosleeping due to sleep depression or consciously cosleeping. The risk of SIDS is very different when you have accidental cosleeping not following the safe sleeping guidance and deliberately cosleeping. Even if you don't want to cosleep I'd follow the safe rules then if you accidentally fall asleep it's still a safer environment.

One other thing we did to help me get some sleep and reduce the sleep deprivation that would make me more likely to fall asleep in the night was my partner taking her at the weekend after she had a feed so I could get some joined up sleep. Another option is doing an evening feed then leaving baby with dad and you going to bed for a couple of hours and then he brings him up later. I struggle to sleep before 10 so we favoured the mornings at the weekend, he left for work at half 5 during the week so it wasn't an option then.

Have you read about the 4th trimester? It describes the transition that babies go through in the first 3 months of life as they adapt to being outside of the womb.

Weeks 4-8 were absolutely horrendous for us. DS went from being really chill to a screaming monster especially 7pm - midnight. Wanted to be held all the time. Always upright. Cosleeping made no difference, he wanted to be on my chest at all times. It almost killed me, honestly. But it passed. DH and I took a lot of shifts. Taking him outside helped A LOT. I used to put him in a structured sling (highly recommend getting one, not the fabric ones) and go for an evening walk, he LOVED that, I used to get a whole hour of silence from that.

Oh and SO many mumsnetters will recommend cosleeping every single time you ask for help here, it's like a cult. I stopped posting for help as it annoyed me so much. The truth is cosleeping doesn't work for many, ignore it. Like with everything baby related, you have to find what works for you.

During the day a wrap saved us with a baby and terrible reflux. It meant I was able to function, do household chores and run round after my toddler. Safe from birth with no time limits as long as it is worn correctly, great YouTube videos for this!

It does also sound like cluster feeding as well, my advice is get yourself set up for a day on the sofa, snacks, drinks, bingeworthy TV and just lean into it. This will help regulate supply and should pass before long.

We safely chest slept at night when reflux was a big problem, info for this can be seen online. As others have said intentional cosleeping is far safer than accidentally doing it from exhaustion and poor you it sounds like your having a tough time of it and getting close to that point. I know I did in the depths of keeping upright for 30 mins after every feed when I didn't know about safe cosleeping including chest feeding. This didn't last forever for us and baby now happy for long stretches in the cot.

Sending you hugs and hoping this phases passes quickly for you!

Also to add, it may be worth looking at other feeding positions to use. I had a fast key down which I think can aggravate wind etc so found a kola hold, or a reclined feeding position led to less wind and irritation