Share night feeds when you also have a 4 year old.

[Allme501]

Hi all,

We are planning another baby and currently have a 4 year old.

I wondered how/if other people shared the night feeds with their partner when they also had a school age child? What was your schedule? Who did what?

I get stressed when I can’t plan ahead and this has been bothering me and I just want to have a plan in my head even if it doesn’t happen.

Thanks

i did all the night feeds as I was breastfeeding
if your partner is working perhaps they can look after the toddler in the morning and take them to school so you can stay in bed?
they can also do a late dream feed?
weekends different in terms of splitting nights - assuming your partner has a 9-5 ish weekday job

@Rubyslippers I’m very lucky as my partner gets 18 weeks paternity leave so he will be on hand.

Will you be breastfeeding?

You’re not currently pregnant?

For me, with similar age child I would find it most helpful for dh to take 4/5 year old first thing in the morning. Especially if they wake early. And take baby down also after first feed.

with just 1, dh used to take Ds down around 6am if he woke early after I had fed him. He would change nappy, dress baby for day, make me a tea, and I had roughly 6/6.30-8am to relax a little, have a shower, without baby.

Taking older one out early on scooter/ walk/ bike at weekend with baby in sling or pram would also help. So eldest has worn a bit of energy off 7.30-8.30 and you can all then have late breakfast and he’s back for baby next feed.

When I was working my DW would go to bed early around 8.30pm, I would do the last feed at around 11pm then go to bed and she would get up for subsequent feeds. On a bad night I would help again overnight. Weekends we would split. Worked well for us - I was fresh enough for work and DW had enough sleep overnight to be okay during the day and would get the occasional nap in as well.

Just to add that our other DD (4) would be asleep from around 8pm and up at 7am so wouldn’t really impact on baby nighttime routine.

Peculiar to start this thread and not clarify how you are planning to feed

Sorry if my post was “peculiar”! I do not know how I’m going to feed the baby yet, I would intend to breast feed but I am not pregnant yet. I’m about to use my last frozen embryo and I do not know if it will work or not. I did not have a good experience when my son was born with sharing roles with my husband and found it all very stressful. I’m am easily overwhelmed so I’m simply trying to address points for the future which are currently playing on my mind incase I do end up pregnant. Hopefully that’s giving those who need it a bit more context for my original post.

The clarify re how you feed
will largely drive answers op

quite obviously formula feeding can be easily shared and you and your husband can work out a routine that allows you both the most sleep whilst ensuring both children’s needs are happily met

if you breastfed, then you do most of the night feeds but then husband takes on 4 year old and perhaps night nappy changes

I would totally park all thoughts of this and focus all your energy on to the first step

good luck

I did most of everything because I breastfed, DH was away a lot with work, and DH had long car drives to do with work too so needed to be rested so that he could drive safely.

When DH was around though, he did all night nappy changes and got up with the eldest first thing in the morning while baby and I stayed in bed.

@Allme501

I did not have a good experience when my son was born with sharing roles with my husband

If you can unpick this a bit more it might be easier a second time around. Was it reluctance from you to share the roles? Was it reluctance from him to get involve?

Something for you to think about later on down the line. For now, good luck with your last frozen embryo, make that your focus now.

Everything else will fall into place as needed.

I agree with this but admittedly it's hard. I've had a tough time with my baby and the thought of a second one stresses me out because I just don't know how I would manage it. Obviously people will tell you you will just manage but if you had a rough time the first time, it's not what you want to hear. So just sending you hugs and sympathy OP.

Thank you for understanding xxx It’s easy to say put it out of your mind and think about the first step but when it’s any branch of IVF there is innately a lot more premeditation involved not to mention money then getting pregnant naturally. Also, I feel like a lot of people don’t plan before having children and don’t properly think through how they will cope emotionally and financially which frankly causes a lot of problems in people lives. As I mentioned, all I’m trying to do is address the points that are making me feel anxious in advance so I can feel as prepared as possible.

Is this someone you really want to be having another baby with Op given how you say he behaved last time?

@Anewemail I can't see the OP saying the DH behaved badly just that sharing the roles didn't go as planned. And that is something that I 100% experienced too. My DH is quite hands on and involved and we thought we could share the load.
But I had not anticipated just how much breastfeeding would take out of me, physically, mentally and timewise. How reliant baby would be on ME not just as a newborn but even now when he is teething, he only wants me. I think we do women a disservice by not being honest about how the first year really isn't equal, no matter how much we try.

Formula would be easier than breastfeeding in some ways, in the early days. But it has its downsides too.

Realistically, when you have another child, DH will probably do more with the older one and you take care of baby.

Given how anxious the Op hence starting this thread

combined with

I did not have a good experience when my son was born with sharing roles with my husband and found it all very stressful.

I am thinking that it’s not cut and dry the Op would want to have another baby with him

Yes, he is. He’s my husband and we have been together for over 20 years. He wasn’t the problem. Our inexperience was. We simply didn’t know what we were in for, I took on too much and he didn’t step in when perhaps he should have because he didn’t realise the toll it was taking before it was too late. We both have said we would do things differently if we had our time again.

I think it's good to talk about what will happen, but don't be too rigid in your plan, because so much can change depending on your health and how well the baby sleeps, and how your 4 year old reacts.

My 4 year old still wakes occasionally during the night so my DH always gets up to settle her back, and does bedtime with her most nights.

I do all night feeds with the baby (breastfeeding), but DH gets up and brings her downstairs for breakfast whenever she wakes after 6 (usually 6:30, sometimes 7). I get up around 9 to do the school run while he starts work, so usually get 2/3 hours without the baby. I stay in the baby's room at night, so DH isn't woken during the night usually - in return I lie in til 10 on weekends, to try get 4 hours uninterrupted sleep. But our children are bad sleepers. Also during his paternity leave, I took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon between feeds, longer if I had pumped a bottle.

I'm expecting number 2 with an almost 5 yo who doesn't reliably sleep through the night.

We have always gone with the concept that there is no point is both being awake. I'm a night owl and my partner is a lark. I've done nearly all of the night wake ups and he has done nearly all of the weekend early mornings and I've had a lie in.

I breastfeed my daughter until 10 months, she had intermittent bottle aversions. If she would accept a bottle I expressed for the early morning feed. If she didn't my partner would bring her up to feed then took her away again.

Good luck with you journey to number 2.