Need someone to tell me to stop

[Shhkor77]

I have an 18mo who I struggled enormously to breast feed. I was in regular contact with the feeding team who kept telling to pump regularly. I hired a hospital grade pump for 2 months, tried numerous different other pumps. I triple fed her for 2 months (with a nipple shield), then gave up feeding at the breast, and combi fed expressed milk and formula until 7 months. In the end I found the manual pump on one side with the haakka on the other worked best for me, and I spent 2-3 hrs pumping a day to collect 200-300ml of milk. It was a difficult time and the feelings of shame, and inadequacy remain to this day.

I now have a 12 week old baby who has a better latch and was born at a healthier birth weight. But I'm having the same supply issues again. I have been triple feeding him since day 1 with the view to drop the pumping and combi feed until 6 months. But any attempt I've made to stop pumping has radically reduced my supply. I'm now only feeding at the breast in the morning and if he wakes up in the night. Any other time I attempt to breast feed him, he gets agitated and fusses at the breast. I've reduced the frequency of pumping from 6x a day to 2-4x a day just because I physically do not have the time to pump while taking care of them both alone (DH works long hours and has commitments with my DSS most evenings). My house is an absolute mess. I have weeks of clean laundry that I haven't yet put away snd that continues to pile up. I'm not eating well.

I'm now struggling to collect even 150ml a day and it's heartbreaking. I know my supply is going to tank pretty quickly from this point. It only took a couple of days with my daughter.

I don't even know what I'm looking to achieve from this. I want nothing more than to breastfeed my son 😔.

You have my absolute sympathy over wanting to feed and I can see how hard you are trying to make it work. However you sound completely exhausted and could do with a rest from it all. Can you find another special way to bond with your baby? Singing to him or reading. Something that is just for the two of you. Go easy on yourself and forget about the stupid bloody washing xx

As someone whose milk disappeared after a fortnight (i got myself into a dreadful mental state of guilt) - I applaud you for your efforts and totally understand that need to breastfeed.

But if it is not working for either of you now, I'd hate for you to get low. You've been amazing, 3 months is something lots of us would dream of. Pumping is hard work.

So if you think it's time to stop - then stop knowing you've been brilliant. Your baby will continue to flourish. It is totally OK to stop.

OP I was incredibly fortunate to BF both of my children and would have been devastated if I was in your position and couldn’t so I really understand your emotions with it all. But I genuinely believe that giving formula will be a massive relief for you, physically and mentally.

you have done far more than any of my friends did when they decided they couldn’t feed any more. Your dedication to your children is admirable and my heart really goes out to you. Kindly, you do need to stop.

Just stop. It’s not benefitting any of you and the relief you will feel when you go onto formula and get yourself (and the house) back in order will be immense. You’ve given them the best start but it’s time to do what’s best for you.

Stop. Look after your first baby. Feed your second baby. Look after yourself. Breastfeeding is taking up too much of your time and energy and emotions. IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. Just tell yourself to let it go, then let go and move forward. You’re not in control of your supply any more than you were in control of when you went into labour, for example. Your body can’t manage it - so what? My body can’t manage the bloody menopause, what point is there in beating myself up about it? There’s more going on in my life. Why would I sacrifice time spent with my teens beating myself up about how useless my body is at handling all the changes going on inside of it, most of which I can do nothing about.

You will regret all this wasted energy. I promise you.

My oldest is 30 years old and I struggled to BF for 3 months, the middle one, now 24 years old, for only 8 weeks expressing (prem baby), didn’t try with my 21 year old as I had learnt at that point formula feed would be fine and keep my child healthy.
None of them had more ill health than their peers, all of them bonded with me, and their dad and who ever else was at hand to hold a bottle, and all have grown up to be happy, active individuals who make me very proud.
Do not beat yourself up about this, do what is best for you, your children will be better for their mum being happy and less stressed.

You sound absolutely exhausted and that won't be helping your supply. In an ideal world you would now have someone helping you and toddler and doing housework and allowing you to rest so that your milk supply might possibly establish. Breastfeeding mothers need to be looked after, fed, cherished and that would have traditionally been the case.
So, this is not an ideal world and unless there is some way you can summon up housekeeping and childcare, you now need to look after yourself and by extension your babies, by stopping. STOP or pay for help.

I speak as someone who struggled a lot with supply and I think caring for myself had been low on my priority list. My supply did re-establish but only when I was able to get outside help.

I feel your pain so vividly. My son is also 17 months. I also had supply issues and my son did not like breastfeeding. It sounds crazy to some people! But he just didn’t! He would drink the bare minimum and he rarely asked to be fed and would cry and protest if offered. He never sought comfort from breastfeeding and never cluster fed. I gave up, after causing myself so much misery and pain from pumping. I too wanted to breastfeed more than anything. But some bodies don’t make enough milk, some babies don’t/can’t make it work and we have to listen to them and work with them. I hope you can give yourself permission to stop

Give yourself a pat on the back for trying so hard and stop and enjoy your DC. I breast fed one for only 12 weeks and one for many many months. Zero difference between them. BF is better at a population level and is such a huge thing when your babies are babies, but by the time they go to school literally no-one cares, or can tell, which children were BF and which were FF.

In the meantime start small looking after yourself...don't catastrophise about washing etc order some ready meals see if there is someone who will come over just for a few hours this week to visit and cheer you up, play with toddler. You can stop pumping but just feed the baby at night and see how it goes with combi feeding formula in the day. It doesn't have to follow the same pattern as before and you do not have to feel this is the beginning of the "difficult" time. Vitamins, someone to talk to, microwaveable substantial meals (pasta protein green veg) and some human support in the day (chat on phone, drop in playgroup)if your husband is unavoidably inexplicably unable to support you at all.
I also think you need to say something to your husband. His part in this is key. Can you talk things through with him? Are you angry with him subconsciously (I would be)
This is not just your problem. You are looking after his children remember.

It sounds like you’re ready to drop the pumping. Keep the breastfeeds morning evening and overnight as long as you want to and your baby is accepting it. Up the formula to replace the pumping (maybe drop one pump at a time every 3 days or so to reduce the odds of mastitis). If you end up combi-feeding that’s fantastic, exactly what you had hoped for. If you end up formula feeding exclusively then that’s fine too and in no way negates all the benefits from the breastmilk you baby has had/will have up until that point.

You sound exhausted, you absolutely can stop. And you have breastfed your baby, both babies. It didn't look or go how you thought it would, and that is ok. It's OK that it didn't go to plan, but you did so well to try. And you really have tried, you've absolutely done your best.

Your last feed doesn't need to go perfectly either. I had decided to stop breastfeeding DC2 and planned for the perfect cuddly quiet and gentle feed. He was so cheeky, nipping and biting and pulling away, laughing the whole time that I don't think he actually got much milk. I cared more than he did. She

You’ve got to 12 weeks, utterly amazing!!!

There was a reason why wet nursing was a thing, now we have formula instead. We live somewhere where we can sterilise bottles and prepare formula safely. A rested Mum and calmer less stressed home matters immensely too.

Thank you so much for your responses.

My supply with disappear within a day or roo. No risk of mastitis etc. I breast fed once this morning (attempted to again in the afternoon but failed), and pumped only 40ml today. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get drawn into this again after my first but I equally if not more bereft this time.

For the poster asking if I am angry at my husband. Yes I am. The house is strewn with nappies at the moment (my daughter has diarrhoea). I've ran out of clean seats for the baby's crib. I didn't sleep well last night. And my last meal was yesterday's lunch. But he's taken my DSS to football straight after work today (and yesterday, and most likely tomorrow too).

I'm devastated

I'm so sorry sorry he has let you down at this overwhelming time.

What a complete shit your H has been.

So Sorry he has absolved himself of all parental duties to the youngest 2 as well as supporting his wife.