Giving up on BF

[BinnyWeasley]

I think the BF journey has been one of the most difficult things (mentally), that I've ever done.

We're 6.5 weeks in with DS as a FTM. Didn't have the best start to the BF journey and the first few days I ended up combination feeding. He lost weight at the next 2 weigh ins, taking us close to the 10%. By the end of the first week I was BF with top ups as advised by MW, this has continued throughout. He had finally regained birth weight at just over 3 weeks old. I moved to on demand with top ups after this. He is constantly hungry in the day, it's now at a point where I can't put him down. If we do manage to settle him, he will sleep for a max of 30 mins. I thought it might be cluster feeding but it's the same thing, day in day out. HV popped over yesterday and he's put on about 60g since 9th April. Everyone has been saying my supply is fine, but how can it be - he's 2nd percentile and always hungry, he isnt what i would expect him to look like at this age, has no chub at all really. My mental health is at an all time low, I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, I haven't learned his cues and like I am such a terrible mother. Should I give up and switch to formula?

If you want to switch to formula then absolutely go ahead. You don't need anyone's permission, and if it brings you peace and stability then go for it. There's no medal for breast feeding. Do what works for you as a mum and what lets you enjoy being a mum.

I agree with singing sands! My daughters 4 months old now we’re still exclusively breastfeeding, I breastfed my son till he was 8 months old and it was a breeze and we loved it however this time round with my daughter it has been physically and mentally exhausting, I perceived because I thought it would be better by now but every feed it a battle and we’re both so unhappy, the only reason we’re still going is purely because I don’t really know how to stop 🤦🏻‍♀️ had I have know it was going to be this awful for us I wouldn’t of bothered and would of quit early doors, don’t force yourself to keep going if it’s causing you stress, give her formula, relax and enjoy your baby, because I well and truely feel robbed of what should of been a very special time for us and would hate for anybody else to experience the same! Good luck mama & do whatever makes you happy!

We had a similar experience with weight gain and switched to formula. She thrived and I was able to enjoy being a parent instead of being in a constant state of anxiety. Not going to lie and there were times where I wished I’d kept trying but I know really that my mental health was more important at the time and I was able to bond better with her when she wasn’t constantly screaming while I cried trying to feed her. It’s a tough enough time and you need to do whatever makes it easier and the baby will be fine.

Breastfeeding is unbelievably tough at times. Well done you for getting this far. If you feel like you need to switch to formula then don't let anyone make you feel guilty.
For what it's worth my ebf babies who put on weight fine etc also couldn't be put down for more than 30 mins at the 5 week, 8 week, 11 week mark etc so maybe developmental things also going on?
However you do know your baby and yourself best and wish you the best whatever you decide ❤️

I agree breastfeeding is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You sound like you are doing so well. I read your post and sounds very similar to my newborn experience. Constant feeding, crying, stayed up until 3 am etc. My baby was a lower centile baby who cried a lot and always hungry. She had tongue tie which came back again. Your baby has probably already been checked for this but just in case get him double checked for tongue tie maybe?
Also are you under the infant feeding team? Have you got breast feeding support groups around? I found them quite helpful.
At the end of the day if you want to formula feed then go for it. You will make the best decision for yourself and baby at the end of the day. You are not a terrible mother! I get it as I felt the same but looking back now my baby is 7 months I know I wasn’t. Sending love.

Thanks all for your replies. We were seeing a lady at the hospital for a 1 to 1 breastfeeding clinic, she felt there was no issue with my supply and said to follow MW guidance ref top ups and then we could look to wean him off of those, saw her last on the 9th and he had only gained around 200g from his birthweight of 3480g. We saw the GP ref reflux and he wanted me to drop the top ups as much as possible (at that time we were down to 30-40ml from the original 70ml), but the HV now wants me to up them back to 50ml given the very slow weight gain. I just don't seem to be able to produce what he needs, the actual feeding itself is fine, he latches well, seems to stay on a boob for 15 or so mins at a time and I can see him swallowing well. I think I'd admit to being in the realms of PPD/PPA at this point, it is getting me down so much that I just feel that going FF would relieve some of the mental anguish. But I love feeding him, even if it is with my useless boobs. All of the advice I'm getting from the various professionals feels like it varies so much.

@BinnyWeasleyif supply is the main issue, drink as much water as you can, oats are great for supply, get plenty of calories in for a week or so so your body has the extra resources to produce more milk, electrolytes are fab, but ultimately the problem with topping up with formula is that your body thinks it’s producing enough as they isn’t the demand from baby because he’s getting his top ups so your body will think it’s making enough, personally I’d drop the top ups and let him cluster feed for a couple of days and get your milk supply up by doing that and naturally your body will produce more, that being said if formula is the way you want to go then absolutely do it, it’s about what’s best for you and the baby, and I’m sure breastfeeding as well as formula feeding is absolutely exhausting as breastfeeding is anyway but then on top of that your having all the work that comes with bottle feeding as well, I think that could be what is causing you so much stress, just do one or the other and I promise your body will do what it needs to for your baby, you’ve just got to put your trust in it, hang in there 🫶

My baby hadn't regained birth weight by 5 weeks. So I added in a bottle of formula (60ml I think) about 6 times a day and I continued to breast feed. After a while (a few weeks) I dropped the bottles of formula gradually so I would bf until say 10 am then the next week bf until 11am and give the first bottle then. So 6 bottles a day, then 5 , then 4 etc
Once he started on solids and was eating a good bit we kept a bottle only at 6pm.

He continued to breast feed until he was more than 3½ (years !) which I know is not for everyone.

Please don't feel it has to be formula or breast milk. It can be both 💐

Seconding the PP about combi feeding!

I combination fed my baby for eight months. Baby had jaundice and although I didn't have to give formula, I wanted to (partly for my mental health, partly to help the baby wee out the bilirubin). This especially mattered when the baby was tiny and too tired to feed efficiently. If you keep giving your baby a good chance to breastfeed, giving formula top ups after feeds does NOT mean the end of your BF journey. I would give my unhappy, still-hungry baby to my partner after 40 minutes of middle of the night breastfeeding for a formula top up, because that worked for us. My supply built over time once we got through cluster feeding madness. I got to a place where I fed 6-8 times a day and baby got 1-2 bottles. I kept up the middle of the night feeds as the baby slept more to keep my supply up.

Can you give yourself permission to enjoy breastfeeding and not think of yourself as in any way not enough? Your baby loves you, loves breastfeeding, loves the cuddles. They will also love having a bottle with you. However long you breastfeed for, that's an amazing thing you have done for your baby.

Babies change. The baby might gain more weight and you can wean off formula. You might change to formula entirely and that's great too. You might need to stick with combination feeding or you might choose to combi feed. All that matters is that you feed your baby, and it will turn out alright.

Have you seen a proper lactation consultant? Google IBCLC + your area. Some have free drop in sessions, and/or offer private sessions which is an outlay but you'd save the money on formula. I don't think you're getting the right support - I speak as someone who has been in this area for years.

However, if you want to stop, or combi feed, that's ok. It is so hard and it doesn't sound like you've had the right support. Did the lady at the hospital evaluate a full feed, and assess your baby's tongue function? Has anyone given you support for latching?

Experienced mum here, bf my much older children for years in some cases. Know how to get a baby onto the breast and how to establish bfing. Had a baby in a same sex relationship last year, my partner, the birth mum, has absolutely every barrier - c section, nicu, tongue tie, jaundice then she was ill. Baby lost a load of weight, we were using lots of formula as her milk supply was just not coming in, even though we’d got him to the breast, were giving him time and using a hospital grade pump as well. Once up to birthweight (took about a month), still with a crap supply, we made a judgment call that it wasn’t worth it. Much wanted baby after years of ivf and we wanted to enjoy him and parenthood, and sorting the bfing would have been a slog.

So we got a perfect prep and ff. He’s fine, we moved on. On balance, bf is free, I think less hassle when they are older than bottles, but only if it’s working. We don’t regret it. You given it a good shot, he’s had lots of your milk. But it really won’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve got friends who combo fed through to 18 months - so it doesn’t have to have just top ups after breastfeeding.

If you enjoy feeding but not the weight worry carried solely by you then alternating feeds could be an option.

(Fair warning, theres hungry and theres likes cuddling and boob. When they’re bigger it’s easier to tell it’s about the cuddle and the muzzle not hunger. When they’re wee you worry they’re hungry permanently).

My daughter wanted frequent short feeds and wouldn't settle when lay down due to severe silent reflux and multiple food allergies. She had feeding aversions and was on the 9th percentile. We had several feeding assessments all fine but it wasn't the feeding that was the issue it was the milk. It hurt her to feed so she fed the minimum which meant she quickly needed more. She would scream like she had never been fed and then would stop quickly. Cutting out dairy and soya and getting high dose omperazole led to her jumping from the 9th to nearly 50th percentile!

Given you have already mentioned reflux I would pursue that a bit more. Just because there's issues with feeding and weight don't automatically assume supply can be the only cause!

Thank you all so much for the replies. We've just started on some Omeprazole after a failed run of Gaviscon (the constipation screams far outweighed the reflux imo!), and so far so good. I think I'm feeling a lot better about the potential of having to stick with formula for the long haul if it works best for him. We're back up to 50ml and honestly there's been a transformation in him from what I can tell - I can be positive about the fact that my boobs are giving him the rest, however much that is. I'm going to go back to using a hands free haakaa type pump after feeding at the times that suit, I.e. not the middle of the night! Going to look into IBCLC consultants. Saw a lady who ran a feeding group who again observed a feed and confirmed position/latch/swallowing all ok and has suggested I ask the HV to refer me to a tongue tie specialist and also look into a chiro group on the off chance there's some discomfort from him coming out the sunroof. We've also been referred back to GP who is going to assess and possibly refer us back to paediatrician if necessary. Really hoping that it's all looking more positive on our next weigh in and I can start enjoying the time a bit more.

I can really identify with this. 6 weeks with our second after a very difficult BF journey first time round and it’s not much easier this time! Solidarity and hugs - it’s so difficult especially when social media/society paints this picture perfect image of it. For many women it is not easy, we just don’t talk about that enough.

I would strongly suggest you get a private reputable lactation consultant out ASAP if you want to try and continue BF. I’d bet a reasonable amount he has a tongue tie. Excessive feeding and failure to thrive are signs of this. It is actually very rare for women to not produce enough milk if the baby is feeding properly. I echo others I’m also not sure you’ve had the best advice re top ups so I’d get the lactation consultants view on this too.

Alternatively, it absolutely is not giving up to formula feed. Whether that be FF in entirety or some sort of combination regime. You’re not a failure, you’re an amazing mum doing one of the toughest jobs going. These early months really are brutal. It does get easier and whichever way you go you’ll look back on it in 6 months and feel proud of how far you’ve come. Fed is best, whatever way works for you. Your well-being is important too.

Ps please don’t take your baby to see a chiropractor. It’s a load of waffle, no baby needs to be manipulated and treatment does pose genuine risk. Staggered the HV suggested it frankly.

That’s great news. Don’t feel bad about yourself or blame your boobs. Hopefully you get to the bottom of what is going on, could be tongue tie, could be related to the reflux.
But it’s likely something, it’s a feeding issue rather than an inherent issue with your supply.

It is completely your choice whether you switch to formula or not. You are doing your absolute best and that makes you a brilliant mum! The fact you’ve posted trying to figure things out and worrying about it makes you a brilliant mum, you’re trying to do the right thing for you and your baby.
It gets easier. My son is EBF and was born with tongue tie. His weight dropped in the beginning and I ended up in A&E with him. I was breastfeeding and then topping up with expressed breast milk in a bottle. He was hungry all the time and it felt impossible but eventually he gained weight. I stopped expressing and now I just breastfeed. He’s 12 weeks old now and I feed him every 3-4 hours for 20 to 50 mins roughly. Honestly I felt exactly the same and I promise it gets easier. Whatever you decide you’ve got this 💪🏻 ❤️

Thank you for all of your lovely messages of support - we're going to continue for now and stop if it becomes too much more of a struggle. He's been much happier with the formula increase which has taken a wright off to be honest, I'm trying to pump & power pump often and I can see a difference in what I'm getting already. The GP has seen us and feels there is no need to get Paediatrician involved at the moment and we're on weekly weigh ins with the HV. I have been in contact with an IBCLC. I've half decided to not get too caught up in the various different bits of advice from the various professionals and stick to what seems to be working for us at the moment, once I feel a bit more confident that my supply has improved, I'll try reducing formula again if I can.