Talk to me about your partners that don't like you breastfeeding

[VacantlyPretty]

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Why doesn't he want you to breast feed?

Message withdrawn

It sounds as if you both need to have a think about your thoughts and feelings, and both of you need to read up about the benefits of breast feeding, and then have a proper conversation about it.

They are babies for such a short time.

FWIW I am in my 50s and have had 3 children.

I have gained a bit of weight, have a few lines and wrinkles, but still have a good, close relationship with DH. We have both grown up and had our ups and downs over the years. What I am trying to say - probably very badly, is that as a couple and a family you will face many challenges over the years, and communication is the key.

Maybe it isn't just sexuality and how he feels about your breasts, but also the fact that you are now a mother, your relationship has changed, and it won't be the same as it was before. It can and should get better, but you both need to work on it.

I have to rush off to work now, but i am sure you will get lots more support and advice on here.

VacantlyPretty - I am going to leap in here and say that if you can work out a way for DP to come off the sofa things will be better.

Couples need to sleep together, not for sex, though that's good too , but because the physical closeness and intimacy that comes from sharing space at the end of the day leads to all sorts of close, loving communication that are harder to find time for in the day.

This doesn't mean stopping sleeping with your baby - plenty of couples co-sleep with three in the bed.

Your man may feel excluded, and this feeling translates into feeling uncomfortable at the close physical relationship you have with your son. He may not really object to you bf at all...but be wondering what happened to the closeness you two used to share.

First step - get the poor man off the sofa!

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

VP, good advice from tiktok I think. imo it seems like you are (?both) focussing on the bf as the "problem" when in reality the issue coming between you is much more than that.
what would change if you swapped to formula? co-sleeping and bf are not mutually exclusive, nor is one an inevitable consequence of the other. you could stop bf, but still cosleep. you could carry on bf and sort out your sleeping arrangements.

when you say - "that part of our relationship is on hold for now" do you mean sex? because bf doesn't exclude having sex. thank god because I have been bf for five years on Monday .
I think you need to assess what would bring you two together again, and stop thinking the bf is the key to it all. I bet it isn't.

Message withdrawn

VP - this is so not a feeding issue, from what you say.

The feeding shares the same 'stage' as you, DP and DS, but it does nothing more than, at most, symbolise the dynamics of your relationship(s).

You feel unsupported and worried about your capacity to love DP; he feels unloved, but unwilling to bridge the gap in case he is rejected...and maybe he worries, too, about his capacity to love (he's already had a scare when he found it hard to bond with DS).

All these things are massive changes for both of you. The way to cope, some of the time, is just to get through the day, doing the basic everyday things everyone needs to survive, which allow you both to ignore the real emotional needs underneath.

You may be helped if you speak to someone about couples counselling - you don't have to both go to find out about it.

At the moment, both you and DP are not getting your understandable needs met - and it's far better to grasp this reality than drift

Message withdrawn

VP - this is not a problem which will be resolved by formula feeding, though, is it?

If he won't go to counselling, then you can.

VP...

Your dp sounds very like my dh.

Dh was really quite anti-bf at first when he didn't see that there was much difference between that and ff. But when he saw how much it meant to be to bf ds, how healthy ds was, how easy it was to settle him with a boob etc. he kinda came round a bit. Still though he feels when I bf ds in public as he is older than a year (ds, not dh, although sometimes you'd not think it!) and he is scared of people's opinions.

Co-sleeping is a slightly different story.

We tried 3-in-a-bed with ds and dh didn't like it for various reasons so relegated himself to the other bedroom.

We then tried part time co-sleeping, so we would go to bed at ten, I would "dream feed" ds then get back into bed with dh until ds next woke (anywhere between midnight and four really - there is no pattern to his wakings!) and then I'd spend the rest of the night with ds.

Of course dh didn't like that because he wanted to stay up until midnight and I wanted to go to bed at ten/ten thirty latest (knowing I'd be up in the night).

So we're in separate rooms again now. Because I think ds needs me more right now than dh does. If dh doesn't like sleeping alone, he can sleep with me and ds.

Sex - well... I didn't feel like it much either, but not because of b/f - well, not directly. But I didn't much fancy this man any more who didn't understand how important b/f was to me... and a myriad of other things that had stopped me fancying him after ds was born; he seemed to have become so selfish for a start... or rather, had become no less selfish since the birth.

But to try and change the situation I did agree to have sex with him (and partly because he was intimating that he might have an affair / leave if I didn't!) but - and it's a big but - it doesn't seem to have made one iota of difference. He's still been acting like a total arsehole much of the time.

The other thing dh did was talk me into letting ds stay over at mil's now and again by expressing lots of milk. But instead of having a romantic night in and rekindling things... dh wants to go out on the lash!!

But I wouldn't give up b/f for anything or anyone. Because even if my relationship problems were to do with b/f, stopping would just make me resent dh so much that the relationship would definitely be doomed!!

I don't have any advice btw, you just asked for people to come and talk to you about their partners... and that's mine.

Oh VP, you poor love.

I agree with what tiktok ahs said, this isn't about the feeding, but thinking it is is probably a lot easier than thinking it's a real relationship issue yes?

How old is E now? Do you have a bedtime for him? Does he go down by himself? I've been pretty determined from the start with A to put him in his cot at bedtime, so he goes down at 9 and I normally manage to stay awake until 10 (that's late y'know ) so DP and I get an hour together before we go up to bed, even just laying on the sofa having a cuddle together can help, from what you've said you need to regain that closeness.

The feeding in public thing I can understand totally, I only realised on sunday that DP doesn't like me doing it, difference is A is my third child and I already knew what I was going to do before he was born so had more or less told DP what the score was going to eb iyswim, but we went to the beach and I fed Alex, he said as I was about to feed him 'you're going to feed him here?' and I laughed and pointed out how many people were showing off more than I was! Then we stopped off for dinner on the way home and before we went into the pub he asked if I was going to feed before we went in so he would be settled, but he was asleep so I said I'd feed after we'd ordered and waited for our dinner to come, again he didnt seem too impressed, but when I asked him he said it's not me feeding, but more not knowing how to react if someone dd make a comment, so hopefully he'll get used to it.

btw, if you want to talk IRL we can do lunch next week or something. xxx

VP, I know what you mean. My dp never said he isn't happy with bf but I know he has found it a bit of an issue, and yes, it's also other things like me having a different role, and getting used to the responsibilities of fatherhood and a new family member but I think bf kind of encapsulated all these changes. I think he's come round to it though with time - probably helped that most of our friends have bf or tried to (unlike his family who never dreamed of it), and he also recognises that ds has hardly had any colds etc. I think he knows his feelings are unreasonable, but that doesn't stop him feeling them. He can joke about it and acknowledge it too. Do you have other people in your circle of friends that bf and could normalise it a bit for him? Or make it a bit of a joke ( not in a bad way)? Think it's fantastic that you've managed despite lack of support.

my dh was quite freaked at the idea of having sex with ds in the room at all, and that was a cot not co-sleeping. To be fair it bothered me too! Can you have a 'date' in the spare room? I do think there are huge issues about separating the mummy-you from the wife-you and giving both some time. I'm not suggesting a starched pinny and full make-up but some visual signal that your relationship is important to you. Are you still in fleece pyjamas and socks territory? Could you get a takeaway one night, turn down the baby-monitor and try to focus on each other?

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn