Breastfeeding / week 3 & PPD

[abitwoo]

Writing this down to see if this helps / if someone can tell me something that might offer me a glimmer of hope in either direction. Sorry it's a ramble and a jumble of thoughts but please help if you can.

Baby is just over 3 weeks and feeding has been hell both physically and mentally. The same thing happened with my little girl who is 18 months so I think Im just v triggered by feeding in general. I ended up exclusively pumping with her for 3 months (vowed never to do again) before moving to fully formula.

I had a c-section and stayed in hospital for a week with various issues with infection and pain etc. Baby was also treated for infections and jaundice. In this time he didn't/couldn't latch and the midwife made me start pumping on night 3 so he was pretty much syringe fed colostrum then bottle fed with breastmilk and formula. This whole time I was in a bad place mentally because I hoped this time feeding would be easy, and cried the whole time, getting lower and lower every day. I spoke to the perinatal mental health team but just wanted them to leave me alone because nothing they say will make me not feel guilty.

When we got home I started trying him at the breast and things were still super painful (LLL said becuase he has a small mouth so doesn't open wide), so I tried the nipple shields and it was slightly less painful but because he was feeding for so long (hours) everything got painful really quickly. Was also having to pump after and offer bottle as baby not full then the cycle starts again. So I used the lanolin cream and had an allergic reaction so feeding specialist at the hospital said to start pumping 10 times a day and to leave off breast until had healed. Which I did then when I tried at breast again and had the tiniest glimmer of hope I got mastitis and was horrendously ill so back on antibiotics and just pumping in this time as I was too ill/fevery to try and position etc.

Mastitis is now clearing up so tried baby at breast a few times yesterday and through the night with shields. Seemed to be feeding okay but now incredibly sore again because it takes so long, which I think is because of the flow through the shields. So he's currently fed with shields, or bottle fed formula or breast milk, about a third each and I don't know whether Im coming or going.

My mental health is really bad, I am crying all the time and feel a deep despair and overwhelm around anything to do with feeding. I have an 18-month old who I can't look after because Im having to either try feed for hours, or pump, or hysterically cry because of how shit and torn I feel over this. And I'm devastated at the time Im missing with her too. Even if I try to continue with the shields I will need to bottle feed out of the house and pump in place of a feed because I can't contemplate using the sheilds in public becuase its such an ordeal.

Everyone around is trying to help me come up with a plan to stop and move to fully formula but I'm so consumed I can't bring myself to make the decision. Baby boy has a cold now and I know breastmilk is best thing for him and Im contemplating taking that away from him and feel horrendous.

Whilst I was mid-meltdown yesterday a midwife came out and told me she still regreats formula feeding her son 30 years ago and that she blames herself for his asthma - what the fuck?!

I've seen every midwife going, feeding specialists, private lactation consultants, friends who all say things like 'oh I found it hard at first too' 'it gets easier at 6 weeks' 'don't quit on a bad day' etc so all these things lead me to believe I shouldn't quit yet but I don't know how to hang on but I don't know how to quit because I don't want to. Did they really find it THIS hard? When they say they found it hard does that mean they persevered through these feelings into deep depression and carried on trying or were they not that bad? I feel like haven't smiled in nearly a year because I was miserable throughout the pregnancy too.

I wish there was a gauge then said if your mental health is this bad then you should stop.

Can anyone help?

Hey OP I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going through. If it’s any consolation many mums got brought what you do. It’s honestly awful and the pain from a poor latch is awful.

Pumping 10 times a day is not sustainable!
I felt I needed someone to say to me that it was ok to stop breastfeeding and give formula. It also doesn’t need to be all or nothing. Pumping during the night is important to keep your supply up. So you could pump a few times a day but not 10, and then also give formula.

What the midwife said to you was completely inappropriate, but when you are feeling so low and fragile things like this can really impact you.

Remember fed is best!

I was under the perinatal (and then postnatal) mental health time and they agreed that moving to FF was the best thing for me. It also meant that I could go back on some of the medications I'd stopped when pregnant which was hugely helpful.

For what it's worth, my FF DS is now 5.5 and ridiculously healthy, barely gets a cold.

Have they checked to tongue tie? Long feeding sessions and pain are usually not normal. Mine was missed by health care professionals and feeding specialist until i asked GP for a referral to a tongue tie specialist. Fixing this could make BF a lot easier.

It sounds as though you are posting here because you want permission to stop BF and the health workers around you aren’t giving you that. Go with what you think is best for your mental health because baby will benefit so much from having a well rested and calm mum, more so than you pushing through with something that sounds like it’s breaking you x

Wow OP I'm so sorry 🫂 sounds like the absolute best thing for you and baby (and your 18 month old) would be moving to formula. Give yourself permission to do so!

I say that having just had my first (clicked on this as he's just over 2 weeks old and I've been bfing with the odd expressed bottle). It is really hard but nowhere near what you've experienced. We bought back up formula in case we need to use it and introduced a bottle after a week as I was crying from the sleep deprivation - even though midwives had told us not to introduce one for 6, then 4, then 2 weeks. Honestly if he'd had issues with feeding I would have put him straight on formula, and we've both been keeping an eye on my mental health to see if we need to change anything about how we're feeding. The odd bottle at night is sanity-saving. I cannot imagine pumping 10 times a day!

My SIL had severe PPD and I really believe the best thing for mum is what's best for baby. I work with kids and can't tell who was FF and who was BF. Take care of yourself, you're not doing anything but what's in the best interests of your baby and family

Hello OP. I was there too. Exactly the same. It's awful. And all the breast is best messaging is so difficult to reconcile in your mind.

You're completely valid in your frustration. It's effing hard and effing painful. It does get easier at a certain point (for me it was when dds mouth got bigger so it no longer hurt) but what do you do in the meantime?

I'm not sure I have the answer, in your position I tortured myself breastfeeding her until it got easier. I pumped for the first 8 weeks (I read a study the other day that linked increased ppd with pumping, by the way)But I ended up on anti depressants in the end.

It was worth it all for me and while it's hell now you will survive this. Not much advice but just want you to know that however lonely and difficult it feels, know you're not alone.

This sounds so tough OP.

I had a verrrrrry rough time breastfeeding my baby for months - I was in constant pain, including between feeds. Feeding was so so painful - I dreaded each feed. Tried nipple shields and didn’t find they helped much at all - also a faff. I also pumped at times and didn’t enjoy that. Took painkillers for ages.

Our main issues seemed to be oversupply plus tongue tie - we had to have it snipped again as it reattached, but not before I got a breast abscess and needed surgery under general. Recovery from that was awful. Basically I was bloody miserable, very very unhappy, but I didn’t want to quit breastfeeding - so I carried on, one day at a time.

Things gradually improved till now at nearly 5 months I’m BF with no problems. Baby’s tongue function improved slowly and her mouth got bigger - that’s what I attribute it to. I’m so relieved as I desperately didn’t want to FF - didn’t realise how strongly I felt about it till all this happened, all very intense.

I don’t post this to say you should continue BF at all costs, but just to say you’re not alone and I understand the drive to carry on against the odds. Things may get better, but it is so so tough going through these problems! Here if you need to chat via PM (if I can work the tech 😂).

I was in a similar place to you a few weeks ago and someone said "your baby needs a healthy happy mum who is present more than she needs breast milk" and that finally made me realise I needed to stop running myself into the ground and make a change.

I really hope you're able to find a feeding balance that suits you, full formula or a mix, and feel better soon. Xx