Can't give up dream to breastfeed... 3 month old FF baby

[OneSillyBee]

To cut a long story short, my baby (now 3 months) and I both had the classic problems (latch, supply, a lot of crying on both our parts and too much weight loss for her) at birth, and the classic terrible support. I managed some feeding in the first week but she has been fully formula fed for 13 weeks. I have never really given up hope or stopped trying, and for the last 3 weeks I've been renting a hospital grade pump and taking a lot of fenugreek, but it hasn't yielded anything. I pumped as much as I could but really only ever got to 5 pumps a day including a night one, with a 3 month old baby to entertain and husband back at work for ages now I do not believe I could do more. I know I should give it up. But I just can't. I'm grieving so hard the loss of an experience I thought I would have, and I'm just not able to move past it, it's like an instinct driving it rather than my own rational decision making. My last hail Mary is to speak to the GP to see if they could prescribe domperidone to see if I can at least get up enough supply to give her just a bit, I think literally any amount would make me happy. I would feed it to her with a syringe (as I did in the early days). Does anyone have any explanation of domperidone? Or if relactating at 3 months? The thing I know is the barrier is how often I can fit in pumping, and baby is (wonderfully!) beginning to sleep through the night so my night feed pump session is going to fall by the wayside. I do put her to the breast, with a shield as it's the only way she'll go on, but I'm not going to do that with her multiple times a day when there's no milk. It's not fair on her, she's not a pump and she wants to play now. As I said, I know I should move past it for my own wellbeing but I just can't. please be gentle!

This is a super hard scenario, and the first thing I would say are that how you feel is real and valid. You may know that rationally you couldn't be anywhere else, but it's okay to feel sad that you are where you are.

Relactation is possible, but as you know, pumping is time consuming and a real challenge when you are looking after a baby. For most people it's about finding the balance: how much time is worth it for the result you are getting? And that's the answer to how much time you should spend doing it.

Domperidone isn't magic - it will amplify the results of pumping, but won't achieve much on its own.

I would strongly recommend the book "Why breastfeeding grief and trauma matter" by Professor Amy Brown.
We spend lots of time telling women that since their baby is healthy, that's all that matters, but we need to make space for you to process your feelings around a difficult experience too.

If I walked away from a car crash without a scratch, people would understand why I was upset, overthinking, anxious, even though there wasn't an actual negative outcome. The experience matters as well as the outcome.

I have no experience but wanted to say hi. Deciding you can’t breastfeeding is a grieving process in a way if it’s what you had wanted and planned. I made that decision with my first 2 and combined with post natal hormones it was awful. I think finally accepting it and recognising baby is happy and healthy and loved did make a difference (though I always wistfully looked at bfing mums 🫠)

re relactating I think you would have to pump a lot more tbh- they’re not as good but maybe you could use a portable pump in between pumping sessions. Have you tried just putting baby to breast? Lots of women who successfully breastfeed struggle to get much through pumping.

finally I would say even if it hasn’t worked with this baby, if you are planning another baby it doesn’t mean it won’t work then. So you might still get this experience- I was able to feed my third.

Hi, I would say if you want to do it then try everything you can - when I looked into it I saw there was a system with tiny tubes that went down to the nipple, so that baby got milk while latching - have a look into that combined with donperidone.
Don't forget your mind is one of the biggest obstacles - do lots of skin to skin and putting baby to breast, think about your baby and the flow of milk. Have you read the womanly art of breastfeeding? Good luck.

Some things you can look into - a supplemental feeding system (mentioned by pp), Lucy Webber breastfeeding can do online consultations and if you are near north London the breastfeeding dr is also very good and she prescribes. If you can do lots of skin to skin, bath together etc to release the oxytocin before you pump that will help too. Best of luck xx

I can't add much as my own experience was at pretty traumatic but personally, despite domperidone and pumping multiple times a day, although I got sufficient milk to bottle feed, I could never re-establish bf directly. I tried daily for months but it just wasn't happening, I think my lo was picking up on my stress. Suffice to say, although I suffered PND as a result, my baby was fine and is now a healthy happy 8yo.

You are wasting precious hours you could be spending with your baby.

Throw the pump away and be thankful for a healthy and fed baby. I never pumped. Way too time consuming and still those early months flew by....

I second the book by Amy Brown. Also, look for NCT breastfeeding support groups or similar. The breastfeeding counsellors there were so much more supportive of me than the NHS, and she was happy to sit and hold my baby and listen to me while I cried, which really helped to validate how I was feeling.

Thanks for these replies, to answer some stuff in case anyone else wants to weigh in...

• I have tried supplemental nursing but found it too difficult combined with the nipple shield. I could try it again
• I do put her to the breast but not that often, I feel like it's unfair on her when there's no milk and I don't want to make her frustrated on there
• I'm not totally set on literally bf, I'm more preoccupied with producing the milk to give her. I'd happily feed her tiny amounts from a syringe if I could. This is much more about producing the milk, I literally dream about it
• I've seen a lactation consultant and she was lovely but I think there are some communication issues with her and I think I might look to see another one maybe to at least get closure.

Thanks again 😊

I would definitely put her to the breast op as often as manageable. It's not cruel, she will probably be getting a small amount of milk, and even not, it will be a great comfort to her and probably you too. No different to a baby using a dummy for comfort, and this will be the best way to establish a supply anyway. Babies are far more effective at getting milk flowing than a breast pump. I used to pump and sometimes after an hour I'd literally have a few drops, I could then put the baby on that breast and the amount she sicked up, or would dribble out of her mouth within 10 mins showed how much more she was able to get. I had a very smooth breastfeeding journey with my first, but it was the complete opposite second time round (hence the pumping) but I persevered and by a couple of months I'd been able to transition from only feeding expressed milk, to fully breastfeeding. I was stubborn as I wanted to give her the same as my first baby, if she was my first I wouldn't have kept it up as the pumping was exhausting, but she had an awful tongue tie and couldn't latch to start with.