I don?t know what the purpose of this post is and think perhaps I am just getting things off my chest rather than requesting advice.
DS is 10 weeks old and I stopped breastfeeding after only a few days. I breastfed DD (now 3yrs) for 3 months and then stopped for numerous reasons, one of them being that I found it very painful.
I was quite happy with my decision to stop breastfeeding DS until yesterday when I found myself away from home without a clean bottle. I managed to get a bottle washed and sterilised in the end but for 15 minutes or so I was stranded with a screaming baby and apart from feeling pretty daft about not being properly prepared I felt it would all be so much easier if I was breastfeeding.
Another thing that bothers me is the sheer amount of clutter I now find myself carrying with me. I usually travel fairly light, but now that I have a young baby with bottles and formula powder and a toddler who is only just potty trained and therefore needing potty, spare pants and trousers, as well as food and drink I feel like I'm pushing a baggage cart and not a pushchair. I'd love to just nip out with the sling but I can only do that on short trips without DD. I know carrying a certain amount of stuff is inevitable, but I also know I could cut down if I was still breastfeeding.
I was totally at peace with my decision to formula feed until yesterday, and today I have even been contemplating relactation which makes no sense when I consider my reasons for stopping breastfeeding DD.
The reasons I stopped feeding DD:
Painful nipples, presumably due to poor latch.
Was only producing milk from one breast.
Was not producing very much milk at all, resulting in me taking galactogogues out of desperation. Before DS was born I made the decision not to take galactogogues again.
Hated breastfeeding. I didn't experience any feelings of closeness to DD, only frustration at how long it took and how painful it was.
I was only able to successfully feed lying down which was very impractical for going out and about. As I had quite a bad birth I was in the house a lot which is why I managed to carry on for 3 months.
I felt terribly guilty for many months after I stopped breastfeeding DD, even though I found the switch to formula liberating. Before DS was born I decided to give breastfeeding another go and if it wasn?t working not to persist unhappily like I did before. However, I don?t feel I gave it my best shot this time. Latching him on was not at all painful, and I feel the main reasons for giving up this time were tiredness (me) and finding it difficult to devote time to breastfeeding while taking care of an active toddler.
I discussed relactation with my DH today and while he is fully supportive he reminded me of how much I disliked breastfeeding and how difficult it was for me. I don?t think that deep down I really want to relactate but now I think I?m going to feel guilty if I don?t try. I know that it is unlikely I will succeed, given my previous history and questionable commitment. I thought I?d got over the guilt thing but I obviously haven?t. I don?t know if this has all been brought on by one isolated incident of me being disorganised or if it has been simmering away under the surface all this time.