Feeling really bad about stopping BF

[sadmumupnorth]

I know some people may have a go at me for saying this but here goes - I have posted on here before but have changed my name.

My DS is 9 weeks old, a gorgeous little boy who I love to bits.

Anyway last week after really struggling with my conscience I decided to give up BF and switch to formula. BF was a real struggle from the beginning.

I feel so sad and guilty because I really, really wanted to breastfeed him. Today we went out shopping and I went into a parent and baby room to feed him - all the other mothers were BF. I felt awful and such a failure.

Has anyone else been in my situation?

oh yes been there, done that and got the T-shirt

BF DS1 (born via CS so supposedly 'more difficult' to BF) for 14 months, had the bleeding nipples, the long sleepless nights but loved it and so did he.

DS2 came along a whole different ball game had a VBAC, struggled for 5 days, I could feel my milk just wasn't letting down and unlike when I had DS1 was unable to express more than about 2 or 3oz at a time. Night 5 DH went to Tesco at 1.30am (thank god for 24hr shops!) came back with bottles, and sterliser and baby milk. DS2 drank 5 1/2ozs in 10 minutes. Tried to continue bf and expressing but was just getting more and more upset so decided to go bottles full time. Regretted it terribly for the first few months ("what if, What if, what if" etc etc etc) and still feel twinges now (he's 13 months).

BUT at the end of the day he's a very happy, healthy and extremely active baby (he walked home from DS1's nursery today after dropping DS1 off). It takes me 5-7 minutes on my own, 10 minutes with DS1 (4yrs) and him 25 minutes!

I know it's hard - but don't feel bad about it we all 'know' that Breast is Best and all the rest of it but at the end of the day what matter is that Baby AND you are happy and comfortable

happy mummy happy baby , the pressure on mothers re the feeding issue i think is crazy, bf for me with ds was extremely hard kept going in dire circs as felt so vulnerable and fragile at the time and did not have the courage to face the disdain from others - when i eventually gave up it was such a relief and i wish i had a given up a few weeks earlier as found it was so hard

hopefully next time things will be different

sadmum, I hope you feel better about all this soon. It's horrible when something happens like this - the disappointment and dashed hopes, and people telling you not to feel bad don't help...they mean well, but you have a right to feel what you feel! In time, those feelings may change so you don't blame yourself (for what??!!) but priase yourself for what you did do.

Thanks for withdrawing the term breastfeeding mafia. I have a sense of humour bypass when I see this term. You were helped by a member of it, after all - someone who gave up their own time to support you and to help you keep going with bf!!

The 'stunned silence' at an NCT meeting when someone drew out a bottle - well, if it happened like this, then can I suggest another explanation? That mothers there are aware that when people switch to bottles, their feelings may be very mixed, they may feel sad and regretful, and may not want anyone making comments or asking questions. The silence may have been a (possibly misguided) attempt to respect this, rather than start a discussion.

Most women in NCT give bottles at some point. It is a myth that the organisation makes any judgement on women who do this. Just because women breastfeed does not make them smug.
Can we have a thread that supports people like sadmum, without turning it into a criticism of mothers who breastfeed? Please? (with the reverse being desirable as well, of course!)

tiktok, I'm afraid your post irritated me slightly.

Noone on this thread is anti-breastfeeding, or critical of breast-feeding at all. Infact everyone talks about their desire to breastfeed, the struggles they went through, and the guilt they felt at stopping.

The horrible feelings and guilt were what sadmum needed support with. To some extent those feelings can be exacerbated by certain people who are disapproving and smug. It does happen, and talking about those experiences is valid and helpful. Admittedly, someone feeling awful about stopping may read more into people's comments and actions than they should - jealousy and failure can make that happen, but it is a genuine feeling and shouldn't be dismissed or ignored or not mentioned. I've experienced it and so have the others who related to the rather unfortunate 'bf mafia' term which was mentioned. To sympathise and share these experiences is part of the support offered. Rant over

bee3, I know no one here is critical of breastfeeding. I was just defending breastfeeding mothers from the ideas they are smug mafiosi who are disdainful of bottle feeding mothers

And I certainly did not dismiss sadmum's feelings or ignore them - quite the opposite. My point was that telling people what they 'should' and 'shouldn't' feel can be dismissive, though - even if it's meant well, and I am sure it is, here. Sadmum has already had people telling her not to feel guilty, and it hasn't helped her.

The sharing of experience is valuable - I am all for it.

But I felt the thread needed someone to point out that 'stunned silence' may be discretion, and that smugness is not an official NCT stance

Sorry this was irritating to you...hope I have explained it better now....and sorry if this has appeared to highjack your thread, sadmum

Well I have to say having been both an exclusive BF and an exclusive Bottlefeeder that I've also come across some very 'mafia' type attitudes from members of the NCT and the groups associated with it. I saw this when I was BF and was quite honestly shocked about some of the comments I heard being made about bottlefeeding mums (out of their earshot of course).

Once I became a bottle feeding mum I avoided any NCT groups like the plague as I knew that I would likely having dismissive comments made about me

I was part of a NCT tea group and there were breastfeeders, bottlefeeders and mixed feeders, and I don't think we ever discussed it once! I just droned on and on about my lack of sleep
I would tend to assume that silence (or saying nothing) meant that nobody thought it was interesting or important enough to mention, not that they were stunned or shocked.

I joined the NCT as a bottlefeeding mum and experienced nothing but help and support from everyone concerned. They were the only people who acknowledged that my feelings about bottlefeeding were valid rather than just to tell me not to feel guilty. Being told what you should feel is very patronising and makes someone who is already very upset feel like they don't matter.

With 40,000 paid-up members of NCT and probably something like 3,000 postnatal support groups/coffee groups/drop ins, and maybe 100,000 parents having some use of NCT services, it would be impossible to 'police' attitudes or to say what everyone at an NCT-related event 'ought' to think or say among themselves....all I can say, Gwenick, is that it's not an official NCT stance, and you can hear unpleasant comments and judgements about other people's parenting wherever you go. For what it's worth, my experience is overwhelmingly that people who are members or who are otherwise linked with NCT are not judgemental or critical of people who bottle feed.

I hope you would give NCT another try if you feel it could be a support to you somehow, but I can understand that you might not want to, if you have heard these comments.

It would't be so bad if I'd only heard those kind of comments at one NCT 'meeting' - but it's not been confined to one particular place - I have tried other groups - and I've met lots of people (offline) who are really 'into' NCT stuff and I'm sorry to say they've all displayed pretty similar attitudes.

Well if you are ever up my way Gwen you must pop along to the NCT group that I organise.

We even put on our rota that we will provide bottle warming facilities.

Thanks - but No thanks - as I mentioned I've done the BF for 14 months and was honestly shocked by the comments I heard (and not all just from 'normal' payed up members - some that were evidently in more of a positioin.......)

Too late for you now, Gwenick, but anyone else hearing remarks like this, or made to feel unwelcome, or feels parents are judged for bottle feeding, needs to take it up with a sympathetic local committe person, or get in touch with the UK Office if that isn't possible. I promise you, it will be followed up. Branches should be following the NCT Baby Feeding Policy which includes recommendations for how to ensure bottle feeding parents do not feel excluded or marginalised (by offering bottle warming facilities, for example) and I have been to many, many NCT events where babies are bottle fed without anyone batting an eyelid!

LOL - I would have done if one of the people wasn't a commitee member - but hey that's in the past - I've just vowed never to go to any more NCT meetings or support groups.

hope my comments did not cause offence, just think there is so much pressure at a time when could really do without it from self, literature and others, of course there is a lot of support also and can only state how i felt under huge pressure of course in an ideal world breast feeding is best but do strongly believe that mothers need information and encouragement but ultimately respect and support for whatever decison they make and not made to feel like a bad mother if they for whatever reason decide not to bf - in my experience from some h prof and some other parents this does not always happen and think that it is very counter prductive and unhelpful - i am very involved with nct and think they are a fantastic organisation without the support networks would have found the last year much more difficult

Why has this thread turned into a Bottle vs BF debate?

I think you're all being very rude and childish. Sadmum started this for support, not a slanging match.

Um, I don't really appreciate being called rude and childish, actually. I don't suppose other people do either.

Indeed, that comment could be seen as extremely rude.

Childish and rude???

it just does my head in when mums come on here looking for support as regards giving up BF, and you can bet within 20 posts it turns into a BF vs bottle slanging match - aaarrrrrrrrgggghhhh!