How do you divide other work while breastfeeding?

[CycleGirl20]

I'm going between feeling I'm being really lazy and being a bit pissed off at DH that he's annoyed with me.

I'm exclusively breastfeeding our 7 week old after a c-section. He's a fairly easy baby. Will only contact nap, but I have him in the sling so I can do something with him until my back starts to hurt.

DH is working full time from home and sleeping in the spare room at my suggestion. He can't help much with an EBF baby anyway, plus he gets up with our 24 month DD for the nursery run around 7/7:30am. He also does the pick up (nursery is a 5-10 min walk) and most of the cooking and shopping, as well as meal planning and the garden. We split the laundry, hoovering, cleaning fairly evenly. I do 100% of the baby care (DH holds him maybe 5 minutes every other day so I can get ready for bed) and afternoons with both children as nursery finishes after DD's nap early afternoon.

I often end up staring my day sitting in front of the TV for 90 minutes, feeding the baby and eating my breakfast whilst watching TV. I feel quite bad about this while DH is working upstairs. Then I usually go for a walk or into town whilst the baby sleeps on me in the sling. Some days I do a shop for my lunches and the toddler's snacks or buy clothes/nappies etc for both. I can see that's also annoying for him, if I'm sitting in a cafe while he works.

When I come back, I feed the baby again. He's drinking for 40mins/1hr in every 3 hours mostly. He often falls asleep and I need to wake him to finish a feed, so it can drag out.

I'll try to put him down and hoover, bake/prepare toddler snacks, clean up toys or mess, empty bins, empty dishwasher. Basically do anything I can with the baby on the floor or in his chair next to me.

Weekends, the toddler spends some time with DH. This is probably 50/50 split of the toddler and me 100% with the baby.

I feel pretty crap that I can't do more. DH said I don't help him enough. That made me pretty mad as I'm doing what I can whilst mostly holding a baby and along with the scar and back pain, although that's fairly minor. I can also see why DH would be annoyed because I'm deffo struggling to do 50% of some things. I did offer for him to stop cooking for me, but he says he would keep doing that. I'll also start doing the nursery run (I was a bit nervous that both kids would cry and I'd have to carry both).

How do you split things? Any tips on how to do more? The MIL thinks I should put the baby down for naps but then he sleeps 5 mins and cries.

Oh and DH does toddler bed time that finishes around 8pm. The toddler is quite good at crying, as most toddlers are. Baby likes to cluster feed then. I could try doing toddler bed time and see if I can put the baby off feeding for the 30 mins it takes.

What you are going through is completely normal in those early weeks - looking after a newborn is a full time job, it really is. Single handedly looking after the house and other chores on top of that is impossible

I had a Velcro baby. She screamed every second she wasn’t touching me. DH did almost every household chore in addition to working full time for 9 months. I still had the harder role and he knew it. There were moments that we both felt resentment, but I was the only one who came close to breaking.

you have to do what your baby needs. Every baby is different. In retrospect we now know that we had a baby with ASD and that is why she was so high needs. At the time we just knew that she needed mom at all times, so mom had no life, and dad had to do everything else.

Thanks both. I'm quite lucky with this one. I think the first have me PTSD 😅. She screamed loads and I spent most evenings walking laps of the living room with her in the sling, feeding her whilst we tried to watch TV with the subtitles on. maybe I feel bad it's not more brutal this time but I still can't do loads (breastfeeding is breastfeeding and takes time, regardless of wether the baby is screaming)

You’ve just given birth. Two young kids at tricky ages. DH will have to just get on with it. But Id do online shopping so that saves time and he doesn’t have to meal plan anymore. You can do that on your phone while feeding?

You are doing plenty. Your body is recovering from 9months of hard work and a major surgery, whilst nurturing a baby, keeping them nourished with your recovering body.

He can do the laundry for cooking for now.

It passes so much quicker with 2 kids anyways.

Sounds like you're doing plenty, it's hard with a young EBF baby.
But DH is doing a lot too, maybe to make things easier on both of you you could do an online food delivery while you're feeding so that's off DH's plate, and start doing some of the nursery pick ups too.
You/DH could also do a bit of batch cooking at the weekend too, even if you just made double portions on the weekend that would make 2 weekday meals that just need reheating. I used to use my slow cooker a lot when DD2 was little too, literally chuck stuff in when she was settled in the morning and it would be done for dinner time- get pre chopped or frozen veg to make it super easy

Why is your DH holding the baby so little - he could have time with the baby at the weekend whilst you batch cook?

You are both doing loads. i think your husband is being a bit of a dick asking you to "help" him more. You are both contributing to the household and to parenting children who belong to both of you. You need to make decisoins colelctively about anything you can do to make things easier generally and also how/if you're going to try to get the baby to nap independently. Mine never did, ever. If you're up half the night feeding you wouldn't be unreasonable to nap when the baby does if you can do it safely. Ignore your in-laws. That way madness lies, when you start to let them dictate to you how you should parent, or make you feel like you're doing it wrong.

Why does he hold the baby for 5 minutes every other day? They need to bond more than that, and you need time with your other dc!

My DP worked full time outside of the house, ran around after my two older children that aren’t even his, all domestic chores and regularly held the baby in the evenings when baby wasn’t feeding. I was going off for 60-90 minute baths for me time multiple times a week. And I’d had a very easy labour and birth.
you’ve had major surgery, I’d say your dh isn’t doing anywhere near enough all things considered and breastfeeding alone is more than equivalent to a full time job.

@HippeePrincess the baths sound amazing! I've not had a shower without rushing to get finished before the baby cries in nearly 2 months. I often go to the loo whilst holding at least one child. That sounds like the dream.

@Tomorrowisyesterday I've no idea. He was pretty terrible with our DD until she became more mobile. Now he's great with her.

Thanks all. I'll have a look at batch cooking, online ordering for food and nursery pick ups

DH says my job is looking after the baby, anything else is a bonus.

You’re on maternity to look after the baby hence why you’re not expected to work for at least 6 months.

I’m sure I’ve got some advice on how your MIL parents too.

You’re doing all the night feeds for your DH to focus on working. You’re looking after the baby whilst he works. Potential everything after that could be split 50/50 but it doesn’t sound like you’re swanning off for cocktails with the girls every evening.

Could have written your post myself! We're 3 months into a 2 year age gap. DC2 is V.Easy in comparison to DC2, so I feel guilty quite often that I should be doing more.

Our toddler still wakes at night, and annoyingly DH refuses to sleep in the spare room as he's not as comfortable, so we're both being woken by both children 2-3 times a night. He still does nearly all the household stuff. I'll likely kick him out when we reach the 4 month regression.

I can prep dinner, do laundry and tidy up a bit. That's only been in the last few weeks though. I've had to be careful as I've overdone it a few times too, needing to rest my back for a day or two and actually making things worse!

I've cooked dinner maybe 5 times (often intend to finish making it, but end up needing to BF half way through!). We've got a cleaner and a dog walker to ease the load, which definitely helps.

DH went out with friends yesterday afternoon for the first time, but was back for bedtime. I did 6 hours in my own with both, still waiting for my long bath but I have done lunches with friends and a sleepy baby, which felt almost normal.

The only reason I get anything done is because baby lives in the sling, which I feel guilty about too as she probably deserves more floor time. HonestlyI can't win! I think it's just a new level of juggling with your partner and mum guilt having 2!!

I should also add that DH does complain about how much he does, but also says he doesn't expect me to be doing more. Sometimes I feel he insinuates I should, but he hasn't ever said that. I often let him know how frustrating I find it that I'm often stuck in front of the TV too,

He night work full time, but during that time, he can go to the loo whenever he wants, sit ten minutes on the loo and enjoy the silence, drink hot tea and have adult conversations. All while having a nice 7 or even 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
And you are still recovering from carrying a baby for nine months and a major surgery, while your body is rearrranging your organs and hormone levels. When was the last time you had a full night of uninterrupted sleep?
Caring for a young baby while juggling a toddler and house work is difficult for both of you, but I wouldn’t stand for him get resentful with you for not doing enough.

Who gets the most "time off". Time off means time without a child or work. Holding a baby in a sling counts as work. It sounds like you're both doing as much as you can. But he's getting resentful because he either doesn't think holding a baby is work (in which case make him hold the baby while he works) or he's reached his limit and so have you. Look into short cuts like online shopping, someone to help.

Also, who gets the most sleep? If you're not sleeping but he is, all he should expect you to do is try to catch up on sleep!

@MrsTeepee we are very similar! My DC1 is certainly harder work and she's been giving DH hell of late, bossing him about, refusing to sleep and wanting to be carried. She did that to me for the last 2 years, but she's stopped since I've been holding DC2 the whole time, and saves it all up for DH. My back is also balancing a fine line. Trying to put loads in the washing machine with a 6kg baby strapped to my front, plus sometimes having to lift DC1, is pushing me a little over the edge.

It does seem now to be a case of who can best do a second task on top of the task they were doing

I had 2 in 2 years and my eldest was home with me too.. I just had to get on and do the housework as I was home alone with two! Husband chipped in on his days off but was outta the house 12 hours a day.

@CycleGirl20 our toddler is v.similar!!! The terrible 2 tantrums are something else, and we're dealing with split nights too as we work out how long/if she should nap. The baby sleeps better than the toddler most nights!

We've talked about how this is just a phase right now, that it's incredibly hard but that it will get better.

My mum has stayed with us a couple of times (she lives far away), which has helped a little too. In or house it's also a case of who can multitask which tasks the best. I know it's temporary so am tolerating the dirty dishes, crumpled clothes and messy floors!

As others have said, recovery is SO important though, so don't feel guilted into doing more than you can. My pelvic floor suffered from my first birth, and I can tell when I'm reaching my limit. I really struggle when not keeping up my strengthening exercises. It might be worth doing some gentle core strengthening stuff if you're not already, to prevent injury?

Did my first day or nursery runs today too, easier than expected with the sling in tow! It's amazing how much if a difference you can see in a few weeks, as that felt impossible a few weeks ago!