My little beautiful baby girl is 8.5 weeks old and I've never felt love like this in my life. I'm a very anxious person and I knew that becoming a mom for the first time would be no different, but I never expected the way I feel to be so extreme.
Since day one I have been questioning absolutely everything I do, writing notes in my phone about why I chose to do a certain thing to try and justify things, feeling guilty about everything and crying. I have pages and pages of notes about why I've done certain things. Just a few examples about things that have already happened that make me feel guilty and anxious; my daughter's coming home outfit not fitting and her coming home in a baby grow that was too big and probably not warm enough/not enough layers or a hat, me not sitting in the backseat with her on the way back from the hospital because for some reason getting in the back of the car was much more painful after my C-section that I had to sit in the front, potentially knocking her head on the rubber seal of the car door when bringing her home (I didn't realise at the time but my husband filmed the whole thing and I keep watching it back and sobbing), my daughter having severe nappy rash after just a week or so despite constant nappy changes due to every feed resulting in immediate poops....the list goes on.
On top of this we have had major feeding issues since day one, I wanted to breastfeed exclusively but madam had trouble latching so it resulted in combi feeding. I question everything with that too - when to top up, when not to top up, what did the health professionals say to do etc. We had hoped to be ebf by now but we are still half and half. The first few days all I did was cry about why I couldn't feed my baby. Despite being the happiest I have ever been, I was also the most anxious. We found out at 4 weeks she was tongue tied after going private as NHS refused to properly assess her. We've now had it divided as of 2.5 weeks ago but not really any further on with feeding. The fact I haven't yet been able to exclusively breastfeed has for some reason had a huge impact on my mental health and influences every aspect of my life. I can't help but think we would have been much happier if I had formula fed.
The reason I'm posting here is because I have been open about all my issues to my loved ones, and they keep telling me I'm wasting these precious weeks, that she is only a newborn once and I should make the most of it, not keep getting tearful and feeling bad. So now I feel bad about feeling bad. I know it's true and I feel like I've wasted this time and I'll never ever get it back again. We've had some lovely times too and every day I cuddle her and kiss her but so much of this time has been overshadowed by doubt.
Had anyone felt this way and how did you overcome it?