Thinking of stopping breastfeeding... the guilt

[Sevendayhigher]

Hey everyone,
I’m hoping to encounter some support rather than advice about what I should do per se. Just wondering if anyone can relate.

I’m coming to terms with giving up breastfeeding at just under three months old due to loads of issues with it from day one. Before I gave birth, I was so determined to make breastfeeding work for us, to the point where I was drinking nearly 3L a day to ensure my supply was supported. I wasn’t under any impression that it was going to be easy, in fact I had a feeling it might be difficult for me because I have one polycystic ovary due to a previous ovarian tumour, but I was really so hopeful it could work out and feeling positive. I hired a lactation consultant before the birth so I could have support if it wasn’t working.

My supply came in fine a few days after birth and I was really excited it seemed to be working out, but it turned out my son’s latch was bad despite looking OK from the outside for a few weeks - the only way the midwives even suspected a tongue tie was when he kept dropping in weight, until he was on the second centile and he actually had to go to A&E because of it. My supply had dropped significantly at this time so supplementing with expressed breast milk wasn’t enough and we medically had to use formula - not a problem for me but I was still hopeful I could get back to mainly using breast milk at least.

His tongue tie was finally diagnosed at four weeks and it was severe - they cut it but re-learning to feed took another two weeks and by that time my supply was low despite pumping around the clock. That was when all the digestive issues started - terrible, terrible stomach issues including gas, screaming, diarrhoea, the works. Now, at nearly three months, he’s been diagnosed with Cows Milk Protein Allergy and they suspect his tongue tie has grown back - his latch is more comfortable but it’s still shallow and he simply can’t get my supply up on his own. I took a natural supplement to try and increase my supply and it worked but irritated his stomach lining even more, making everything worse, so I stopped that. I've seen a lactation consultant throughout and she's been helpful but can only suggest so much. I’ve tried power pumping three times a day and every hour and it doesn’t work - today I’m going for a scan to see if my hormones are also contributing to the issue due to PCOS. He actually reacts worse to my breast milk than to formula, shrieking a few hours after he’s had it - with ordinary formula oddly it’s better because at least it sits in his stomach a bit longer, whereas breast milk just goes straight through him.

My husband and I were up all night long, every night, just hearing his screams, gas, suffering. It was a nightmare, but he’s now been given prescribed formula and it’s too soon to tell, but he’s had his best night ever - he slept soundly for five hours. Who knows if it will work long-term, but it’s looking like CMPA more than ever. We’re both so relieved that it seems to be working.

The specialist paediatrician was very supportive and kind - she acknowledged the fact that I could cut out all traces of dairy and soy (because babies with CMPA are often allergic to both) in my diet to give my son ‘the small amount of breast milk I have been’ (I totally agree it’s a small amount, as much as I’ve tried to increase it), but I could see she was concerned because I am underweight and my son is sitting on the 25th centile, and he loses weight easily. She very gently implied that while she cannot ever tell someone to stop breastfeeding, but I have to consider whether it’s worth it. It’s an enormous lifestyle change because it’s not just ‘cutting out dairy products’ - it’s looking at every single food item for traces of dairy or soy, and it’s easy to miss something and be back to square one. All this - including the risk of a relapse - for a very small amount of breastmilk. That’s one thing, but meanwhile we’re very worried about him losing weight again and apparently if I’m not getting enough protein/calcium/fats, he can also lose weight even just by having a bottle or two a day of my milk because the nutritional value of it drops. She was absolutely NOT trying to put me off, and said she’d support us if I wanted to continue, but in my heart I feel like I’d be making that decision for me rather than him. He needs feeding stability and I cannot risk him losing weight again - he’s well under average as it is.

Sorry for the ramble, but I guess I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that our breastfeeding journey may be over. I didn’t really get to have that ‘final feed’, I didn’t know it was going to be the last time. I appreciate that there’s always a way it can work out, but with low supply, his (probably) regrown tongue tie, shallow latch and CMPA I just know really it’s not worth the fear that he’ll drop in weight or I will and get ill, or he’ll have a relapse and suffer again. I’m not in the slightest ‘against’ using formula - I was mainly formula fed and my husband was exclusively from day one, and he’s the healthiest person I know (no joke). It’s just I feel sad that it didn’t work out for us and I do feel guilty for potentially making this decision.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any advice? I’m so tired and I just want to feel OK about the decision I make, whichever way I decide to go.

You've done an amazing thing to get where you have. I'm a big fan of BF-ing, but only when it's in the best interest of mum and child. It sounds like this is a huge commitment for you, and there's no guarantee you'll be feeding him volumes, for you to make such a sacrifice in your diet and nutrition? Only you can make the call, but guilt shouldn't come into it, you're doing what's best for your son & that makes you incredible

I stopped at 4 1/2 months due to similar reasons and had all the same feelings of guilt, I built it up so much in my head and felt really tearful whenever I thought about it. However, once I had actually made that decision, stuck to it and stopped, I felt so much relief it was unreal. It’s only when looking back do I realise how much my mental health was struggling when I was trying to persevere with breastfeeding despite it making the most sense to just stop. You have no reason to feel guilty whatsoever, and it sounds like offering formula is actually going to be more beneficial for your little one. Sending hugs, I know how hard it is but you’re doing a great job x

My advice is nothing to do with feeding, but with parenting in general being 12 years down the road from you. When babies are little the choices are so binary and so few (e.g. at your stage the main choices are just breast or bottle feed and co sleep or not) that the pressure to make a 'perfect' choice is huge. And it's all that other mums of the same stage talk about so it feels like these are really big decisions, that really matter, and that you have to get them right.

Here, at 12 years of age, the choices are so many that you realise you can't live a parenting life full of perfect decisions and that every single child is being raised in a family making different decisions. And those decisions I agonised about when they were little weren't nearly as big or important as I thought they were. And that beating ourselves up with guilt doesn't help.

So I give you permission to make the decision that works best for you, your kid and your family. The one thing I can promise you is that things will continue to not work out the way you hoped and a big gift you can give yourself and your kid is to go with the hand you've been dealt and let go of how you hoped things would turn out.

And be kind and gentle to yourself. Whatever you choose you're not letting your child down.

And one more thing is that when you stop feeding the emotions and hormone adjustment can be huge. I cried for a week after stopping feeding my first because I initiated it. But it passed and everyone was fine.

I stopped at 4 and a bit months for differing reasons but after I’d spent £50 buying supply increasing supplements from Australia and yet another bloody breast pump realised I was falling down a rabbit hole I didn’t really want to be going down!

I was far more upset than everyone else but it did pass and now 3 months on I can honestly say I’m glad I did what I did but I’m also super glad I called time on it when I did too and no one bats an eyelid or questions it!

I can't relate as I have been lucky enough to manage to feed for over a year and much like PP I'm a big BF advocate but what I've come here to say is please feel absolutely no guilt at all in ending your journey now for the sake of both yours and your babies health! You have done absolutely amazingly well to persevere this far and can always remind your self that you tried your hardest and then some. People go on about how breastfeeding is so natural implying it's easy, it absolutely is not it's one of the hardest things a baby and mother has to try to navigate in them early years. And the age old oh well people have breastfed for years, yes they have but you also need to go and look at the infant mortality rates for years as well. Babies died before formula was available due to feeding issues and I feel this is something people forget and look past. Fed is absolutely 100% best and when you have a happy healthy 4 year old begging for another MacDonalds the guilt your feeling now will be a distant memory ❤

Thank you all so much for your lovely words - it's made me quite emotional reading them and they've really helped me come to terms with it. Just having someone else comfort you is sometimes all that's needed and I really do feel supported reading your responses. Thank you <3

ive been there with my first baby, stopped after 3 months as I was just so miserable. We had tongue tie finally cut at 8 weeks but like you, I feel the damage was already done. Long long feeds, every 90 minutes and he would still be miserable. I cried my eyes out at my last feed feeling like I’d failed. But, a week later I felt so much happier, baby was content, I could enjoy time with him instead of just stressing about feeding.

and, if it reassures you for the future, I’m 6 months into feeding my second baby and BF has been a DREAM this time. I told myself do a week and then switch, but I was so surprised! She had tongue tie too but we cut it within days this time.

if anyone tells you BF is easy and you should just keep going, they’ve probably only had experiences like my second one. Anyone who’s experienced the miserable side of it not going to plan knows how crap it can be.

be kind to yourself, the only guilt I have now about how I fed my first is the guilt I didn’t stop sooner for my sanity x

Sending you lots of love - what a tough journey you've had and I see how hard you've worked. I am a huge advocate of breastfeeding but like a PP said, only when it's in the best interests of you both, and it sounds like that may not be the case. Do not feel guilty for making the right decision for you both (whatever that is). You can feel sad, of course, that it didn't go how you wanted it to, and proud of how hard you've worked, but guilt wouldn't make sense when you've done nothing wrong. Wishing you all the best.

I BF my two with varying degrees of success.

Your baby needs to be fed
You need to be ok
Formula is not poison
How you feed your baby is no one else's business

You also have my permission to stop.

Lovely words from @TryingNotCrying24 .

I dropped breastfeeding at 4 months with DD1 - and 3 months with DD2. Not a shred of remorse or regret. Back in those days - mid 1990s, women only had 16 weeks maternity leave, so I wanted to get them off the breastmilk at 3-4 months. I did not want to keep expressing milk.

Even if you can only give 3-4 weeks, it gives a baby a great start in life! Gives all kinds of goodness, and protection - and strengthens the immune system, and all sorts. Don't feel bad at stopping at 3 months ... It's OK!

(BTW, not breastfeeding at all is not BAD. And I'm not saying if you don't breastfeed, that you're baby will be ill/weak/have a poor immune system! They just get a little bit more protection and goodness, with breastmilk. Formula is absolutely fine! )

!

BFing didn't work out with my first, I had to stop at 12 weeks - it was taking ages, she didn't take in much, we were both frustrated, I resented being glued to the sofa for what seemed like an hour out of every two during the daytime.

We were both so much happier and I felt I bonded to her better after we went to bottle. I never got any sense anyone was looking down on me or judging me for bottle feeding. Not ever. I never felt any guilt, it's not worth adding to the difficulties of life with a newborn - neither guilt nor breastfeeding makes you a better or more loving parent, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.

I made bfing work with my second and that was also lovely.

So I absolutely support doing whatever works, BFing is hard and just doesn't always work out, and it not working out once doesn't mean it might not a second time. Also, worth saying that there are absolutely no differences in my two that could in any way be traced to how they were fed as babies.

I stopped bf (which I found easy) both times at three months because I was going back to work in the forthcoming weeks and I wanted more sleep.
It worked. I felt tons better, more in control and less tied.
That was 21 years ago and I don't give it a second thought.

After breastfeeding DD1 for a year, I had a very hard time with DD2 and stopped at 3 weeks. I felt guilty initially but sad about it for quite a while. It’s completely normal to feel guilty and sad about it, even if you know it’s the right decision. I felt sad when I saw other women breastfeeding. I felt sad when I thought about the fact my body stopped producing milk prematurely. I cried just the other day when I stumbled across a video of DD BF (which I had taken to show the midwife). I still feel a lump in the back of my throat about it all occasionally and DD is nearly 6 months old.

It’s okay to feel sad. Try to move on from guilty though - there’s no need to feel that. You’ve done amazingly and your son is happy and healthy.

There’s no need to feel guilty! Your baby won’t care as long as they are being fed.

Blimey that’s quite an experience you’ve had - no wonder you are exhausted.

For those who want to BF, to 3 months is a decent innings full stop, formula would hardly exist if it were easy.

As a PP said this seems huge because new borns are so one track, as your baby gets older parenting develops multiple strands and no one thing will feel so important - but it’s understandable why breastfeeding does loom so large.

Whatever you want to do is fine, but it does sound like moving to formula is going to work well.

OP I totally get where you're coming from but honestly do what's best for you.

My baby is 15 weeks old and I struggled with BF. I had a bad three day labour and ended up having an emergency section. I lost a lot of blood and became anaemic. My milk came in late. I was exhausted. Baby had tongue tie. He was losing weight. My wound kept getting infected; healed and burst and has only just healed now (15 weeks on!). I was also waiting on an appointment for his hips to be scanned (he has DdH), so that was ok my mind. I was so overwhelmed and tired and poorly that I was bursting into tears all the time. Midwife thought I had PnD I was so bad. Baby was up and down with weight but losing weight easily and they were weighing him a lot which was making me feel awful. The cluster feeding was overwhelming me... I was so run down I couldn't cope with it and I wasn't enjoying him if I'm honest. I struggled to bond with him and the constant having him on me was making it worse (which also made me feel even worse because he was and is a lovely baby and all he wanted was me and all I wanted was a minute to myself).

Midwives kept suggesting to me to give him a bottle but the guilt I felt was crippling. It was daft because I'd said from the start that I'd feed it I couldn't and bottle if I couldn't.. I'd even bought the formula! But in that moment I was so hormonal I couldn't let go. I was literally killing myself to try and feed him. The first bottle he had I give to my partner and I went upstairs and sobbed. I felt like I'd failed him. I'd done nearly four week and then for a few weeks after I let him on the boob maybe once or twice a day.

And guess what? He is fine! More than fine!

Hes gone from 9th centile back to between 50 and 75. He's slept through the night since 8 weeks (won't last but it's helped me recover). I don't sit and cry all the time. I can function, I can be the mummy he needs, I don't want to murder his dad (he didn't do anything I was just unbearable), he isn't poorly - he is thriving. I know our stories we different but ultimately we all do what's best for our babies and I think for you, formulas is best, as it was for me!