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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Please help

10 replies

starryblanket · 11/08/2023 21:29

I have a 1 week old DD and am feeling at breaking point with feeding already. I always assumed I'd breastfeed but it hasn't gone accordingly to plan. I had an emergency c section and was quite unwell afterwards and in no way ready to start establishing feeding (I also missed early skin to skin). She was given formula in hospital from a cup and, once I was well enough, multiple people tried to help us establish breast feeding but with no real luck. One breast has a very flat, inverted nipple and no one even attempted to try latching on that. The other breast is better but DD wouldn't latch except very occasionally in one position (cross cradle) and with a nipple shield. However, she'd become very distressed during these attempts and would immediately come back off after a maximum of one or two sucks and I found the attempts really upsetting and knew she wasn't getting any feed from them at all. They would all end with her frantic and screaming :(.

We were reassured that we'd just be slow to start due to my section and blood loss and to try the breast every feed time at home before offering a top up. We have been trying to do this but I have found it more and more distressing; DD will not latch and becomes very worked up very quickly and we all end up sobbing. On day 4 we purchased formula and bottles (rather than top up milk) and the relief was instant. Our community midwife was supportive of this. I planned to continue pumping and offering the breast so as not to close any doors but the thought of offering her the breast fills me with huge anxiety to the point I can't sleep and, unsurprisingly, every attempt is very fraught and I keep making excuses not to try. I have been pumping and have managed to give her small amounts of breast milk through the bottle but I'm not sure this even has any benefit and the smell of milk on me makes her distressed when we try to cuddle Sad.

I desperately want to give up but feel so selfish and such a failure. When away from DD, I think I can definitely do it. We have had some improved latch today after a visit from the community MW. However, whenever I am around her I panic at the idea and about seeing her so worked up. I can't bear the thought of weeks of trying to establish feeding and she seems so happy and content with bottles. I've done lots of research and I can't convince myself that giving formula full time would be hugely disastrous to her health but still have a little what if inside. I worry others will judge me for not putting DD first and not giving it more time. I worry I'm being ruled by postnatal hormones and will regret giving up so quickly. But I just can't make myself put her on the breast :(

I'm not really sure what exactly I'm asking but any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 11/08/2023 21:42

You should be enjoying this time, bonding. It’s not a failure to bottle feed.

JustCarryOnWalkingPast · 11/08/2023 21:44

I'd say to get your baby on formula. It's definitely not failing to do so. I breast fed one son, bottle fed the other.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 11/08/2023 21:46

I'm sorry that you've had such a rocky start. It sounds as though you have a few issues going on and the main one is probably the blood loss.

If it was significant, your milk might not come in. It's rare but does happen.

You've sought help, you've nothing to feel guilty for or you do give formula from now on Flowers

Original poster
starryblanket · 11/08/2023 21:54

Thanks all for the replies. In my heart I desperately want to just formula feed but feel so ashamed to admit it. I just don't feel strong enough to go through the work it will take to establish feeding. Sad

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto I was told this might be an issue. Some milk has definitely come in which is reassuring but it still takes me 30 minutes to pump 20 mls from one breast and I can't get more than droplets from the other. I thought trying to pump one bottle a day would be a good compromise but this means I leak milk when DD cries and she then roots around and becomes very distressed but is still unable to latch Sad.

OP posts:
JennyDreadful · 11/08/2023 21:57

Giving your baby formula is a perfectly good solution and you have nothing to feel guilty about if you stop attempting the breast. As a PP has said, the important thing now is that you bond with your baby and enjoy cuddling and connecting with your baby without this anxiety.

My first baby was in the NICU for 3 days, tube fed, so like you I missed early skin to skin and he would never latch properly. I killed myself trying to get him to feed, I pumped and pumped and those early weeks were blighted by worry about failing to breastfeed. I grieved it and if I was to do things differently I wouldn't put myself through it. I would switch straight to formula after breastfeeding was difficult and not beat myself up. That was my philosophy with my second child who breastfed without any of those problems. So I have one largely formula fed kid and one exclusively breastfed and they are both fine. Formula is great!

You've really tried, but now it's time to do what's best for you and your baby, and it sounds like that is to switch to formula and concentrate on settling in to your new life with your baby. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
starryblanket · 11/08/2023 21:59

JennyDreadful · 11/08/2023 21:57

Giving your baby formula is a perfectly good solution and you have nothing to feel guilty about if you stop attempting the breast. As a PP has said, the important thing now is that you bond with your baby and enjoy cuddling and connecting with your baby without this anxiety.

My first baby was in the NICU for 3 days, tube fed, so like you I missed early skin to skin and he would never latch properly. I killed myself trying to get him to feed, I pumped and pumped and those early weeks were blighted by worry about failing to breastfeed. I grieved it and if I was to do things differently I wouldn't put myself through it. I would switch straight to formula after breastfeeding was difficult and not beat myself up. That was my philosophy with my second child who breastfed without any of those problems. So I have one largely formula fed kid and one exclusively breastfed and they are both fine. Formula is great!

You've really tried, but now it's time to do what's best for you and your baby, and it sounds like that is to switch to formula and concentrate on settling in to your new life with your baby. I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much. I'm not sure I have really tried is part of the problem as it's only been a few days and a few short lived attempts each day ... but also everyone has advised us to stop as soon as DD becomes distressed so we have been following that ... She seems so settled and happy with the bottle and it just seems cruel to us both to inflict the stress of feeding attempts every few hours ...

OP posts:
Katiec89 · 11/08/2023 22:02

I had the same issue latching with both my children. I pumped for both boys but the relief stopping and having that time back and pressure off me outweighed the benefits of breastmilk in my opinion. They have both thrived and benefited from a lot more interaction.

Do what is best for you and enjoy your newborn!

TheSnailAndTheWaaaail · 11/08/2023 22:04

Oh OP I can feel your distress 😓

This was me with my first baby. Huge blood loss and missed the first 2 hours after baby was born. We also had a tongue tie to deal with and static weight gain. Milk never came in but every midwife I saw just told me I clearly wasn't feeding him enough. It was horrendous.

Instant relief when we switched to formula and I never looked back.

2nd baby I fed in hospital and but it all unravelled at that point and I was bleeding and baby was distressed every time I tried to latch. He also vomited the blood he had just sucked from my nipples, and at that point a midwife arrived. She looked absolutely horrified, looked at me in floods of tears on the sofa and told me to enjoy my baby and give him a bottle, a happy mum is best for baby. I'm so thankful to her for not pushing me to breastfeed.

Your baby will thrive being bottle fed and so will you Flowers

Namechange285 · 11/08/2023 22:07

Please don't beat yourself up about this. You've had a tough time from the sounds of it and formula feeding sounds like it's working well. I think you should do whatever works for your family and allows you to enjoy your little one. I breastfed my DD and found the whole experience very stressful in a number of ways...I'm not sure I'd do it again tbh, even though the health benefits are great, it's not the be all and end all. Congratulations on your little one btw

Original poster
starryblanket · 11/08/2023 22:07

Thank you all for your lovely words and reassurances and sorry to those who have also struggled. Deep down I know committing to switching is the right idea and would be a massive weight off my chest. I feel a little embarrassed to tell the midwives but unsure why as they've all been wholly supportive in an out of hospital with the message that fed is best. Part of me thinks I need to keep trying but the more realistic part of me thinks the anxiety will just increase, as will DD's distress, and in 6 weeks time we will be no further and I'll regret putting us both through it..

OP posts:
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