Early days night feeds - help, falling asleep!

[Writerscompanion]

Baby is 17 days old and we're just starting to establish breastfeeding after very difficult two weeks where she couldn't latch. Tongue tie op is today. We had previously got into a routine where we could share the feeds but since BFing I am now stuck under baby 24/7 it feels like and although I'm delighted to have her on the breast we're struggling to adjust to new routine. She's not really doing big feeds with long gaps at night any more but lots of snacking (cluster feeding?) and is on and off boob for much of night. From bedtime last night she had 8 separate feeds, anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes.

My question is how to avoid falling asleep holding the baby. I've been told that it can take 20 minutes after a feed for them to fall deeply enough asleep to stay down and if I put her down too early (she's in a next to me) she just rouses again and needs to feed again to go to sleep (comfort feeding?). So I need to stay awake but post-feed, in bed with a warm baby and having got so little sleep I am just nodding off and a couple of times I think I've been asleep. I'm sitting upright propped on firm cushions and she's on a firm nursing pillow tied to my waist.

From friends it seems they get up and sit in a chair but for me this would mean going to the living room and for these tiny frequent feeds I would get even less sleep, or they co-sleep (which I'm interested in but nervous about while she's so tiny) or I had one friend whose husband got up for every feed and either watched her to make sure she was awake or took the baby after until it was back asleep. My partner and I are discussing how he can help but I'm not sure both of us having such disrupted sleep is actually helpful.

How did you manage getting a newborn back to sleep safely?

Learn side lying feeding.

I basically was asleep during all of my babies' night feeds. They were beside me anyway, so I would just guide the nipple into their mouths, close my eyes and let them get on with it.

Thanks Donkra. I had a fab lactation consultant show me how to do this this week and in a doze I just did it the first night, it was amazing and I woke up well-rested. But when I woke up I got very paranoid that I could have rolled over and been too deeply asleep to realise. So I would like to work towards this but I need to get more confident with the safety aspect first I think.

I agree with @donkraif you can get LO to latch in that position. Arguably it’s safer to actively co sleep safely than to doze off.

Breastfeeding makes you very hormonally attuned to baby. This is how mothers and babies have slept since time immemorial. If you make sure you have a safe sleeping surface, honestly, you will be fine; your body and your mind know baby is there. Side lying is where it's at.

I watched Netflix quietly with the phone behind LO head, stopped me falling asleep and got through a lot of good shows!

Would be keen to hear more advice - especially re what's reasonable/feasible to ask for from partners?

Everyone has a different view on that and a different relationship with a different partner.

My babies were ebf, and what worked for me was that I bedshared and did the nights alone, basically sleeping through the feeds. Then DH took the baby in the daytime to give me a few hours to myself in bed. He also slung up the baby and took them out to walk off the evening fussies. It made more sense to me for him to play his role in the daytime rather than 2 of us be awake at night.

Thanks again @donkra

I was super worried as you are with my first around bed sharing, and wanting to force DH into solidarity by trying to get him to help me in the nights. Second time round having worked out the lying down feeding I just bed shared with newborn. If you look at lullaby trusts guidance for how to do it and follow their guidance it's far better than risking nodding off in bed. With it being summer too you can also just sleep with no covers so don't need to worry about wrapping duvets around you etc to keep warm

I was the same as @LeftTheWashingOut First I bedshared from about 2 weeks, second from birth, but had learned to do it safely by then. At the moment we have a very light duvet and during the winter we all wear slumbersacs (including me). DH sleeps in his own room.

DH gets up in the night if someone is ill and I need help (e.g. vomit everywhere), or someone wakes and stays awake during the night. he also takes them first thing if he's not at work. But otherwise nights are all mine, and tbh I find it easier that way than both being exhausted and snapping at each other, who is more tired etc, DH knows after a bad night I am entitled to be grumpy 🤣 and he would take on more housework, id get more rest during the day, etc.

Good resources are:

• the lullaby trust
• safe sleep seven (la leche league)
• Dr James McKenna (he also has a book)
• Basis

I also did laying on my side feeding - although it is easier when baby is a bit bigger and can move their head a bit better to latch.

The cluster feeds like this won't go on for very long. At the moment baby is still stimulating your supply and getting used to latching.

My baby used to cluster feed from 4pm until around 9pm. If you could try and get them to start the cluster feed a bit earlier they might not go on so late - although it is normal for baby to still wake and feed regularly during the night.

OP, I have been you!
For me, it was more the time spent winding where I'd fall asleep. I wish I'd Co slept but I was too scared to.
I'd set an alarm for ten minutes time from DC feeding. That way if I did drift it would be for a limited time.

Maybe you could combine Co sleep with an alarm to put baby back I'm their cot/basket but not worry all night? I might do this when next DC arrives.

Thanks for all the replies, I missed these! Really useful to hear about people's experiences. So last night we tried side feeding while DP was awake to keep an eye on us but I couldn't get in a position where my breast tissue wasn't covering her nose and she was snuffling. Boobs spill over her face when she's latched in that position. I'll keep trying but I'm still too nervous to sleep like it for now.

We then both had a vibration timer set for 5 minute intervals while I was feeding/winding/holding her to go back to sleep which worked better and I felt less anxious that we would both catch me in a few minutes when I nodded off (which I did). The issue is that she stirs again quickly if I put her down too soon so I have to wake up again but if I hold her for ages it's harder to stay awake so I'm not sleeping either way.

I don't know if it's cluster feeding as she's on and off all day and night with it and it's been like this for three days now (since we stopped adding in any expressed feeds). She often just feeds softly for a few minutes and falls back asleep. Since she's making her nappies I'm trying not to think she's not getting enough food and/or that the tongue tie op hasn't worked, and that it's probably comfort/development related but will know better once we've seen midwife for weigh in tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for further advice, will look at the resources and keep practising with the side feeding.