Feel like I’m failing my baby boy

[Thatcat]

Hi All,
I’m finding it hard to put into words what I feel. I had my baby boy 17 weeks ago after a very scary pregnancy which frankly exhausted me and my partner. Luckily, our little boy came into the world safely by CS. From the first moment in the hospital, he struggled to latch. He kept falling asleep after a few suckles and couldn’t manage a proper feed. After 3 days, a breastfeeding nurse came and said he had a tongue tie. She watched him struggle to latch and told me I’d needed to pump and bottle feed until his tongue tie release, but keep trying him at the breast. I did. He just refused the breast.

I rented a Medela double pump and got to it. He had the tongue tie released when he was 3 weeks. The whole time, I was pumping 4-5 times a day and yielding about 40ml in a 30 minute session. Sterilising the equipment, the breast milk bottle, the formula top up bottles on repeat. It was so tiring.

I saw a consultant after his tongue tie was released and she observed him resisting the breast. She told me to just keep trying. I did, but he just refused. So I kept pumping. And then my meagre supply of 40mls per session started to dwindle and I started to panic. I’d get up in the early hours to pump to stimulate production, but it didn’t work. I’d be exhausted then during the day. But continue to pump every 2-3 hours. Soon enough, I was only producing 50mls in a whole day. I’d sit in the edge of the bed feeling dejected and sometimes crying at the end of each session. I eventually gave up when he was 2months. There were a lot of tears, but I started to get on with it.

He’s 4months now. Last week, I met with a mother and baby play group and I might as well have turned up to le leche league, every single one was sitting breast feeding. It just reignited it all for me. I was so envious of them feeding to freely.
One of the mums clocked me feeding him formula and described how she had a hard time at the start, but was just determined and now she has two freezers full of milk. I was determined. But it didn’t work.

I just didn’t think this would happen. I feel like an utter failure. I feel like I should have tried harder, but I don’t know how. I feel annoyed at my sweet little boy for not latching. I feel that he doesn’t like me and had rejected my nurture for him and the bond that comes with breastfeeding. I just feel like a failure.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. before I had a baby, I would have been 100% ‘fed is best’, but whatever the hormones have done to me, I feel like I’ve failed my little boy in not giving him the best start and am a world of guilt. I hate myself, and feel in track to be a shit mother. I feel so low.

I don't want to read and run.
You are not a shit mother. The fact that you care so much obviously shows that you are a real, loving, feeling mother.
Hormones are completely bonkers and they mess with you mind and emotions. Please, please know that in a few months, then a few years, no one will know or care how your child was fed and it will make no difference to the smashing little personality they're about to grow. It can be so hard when they can't communicate with you but know that your baby loves you more than anything in the whole world. You are everything.
I've never been in your position but hopefully someone who has will be along soon. X

Aw I totally get you. You're little boy hasn't rejected you, he just found it hard and has chosen his preferred way of feeding that suited him whilst he had his tongue tie and then that would've just become normal to him.
We put too much pressure on ourselves to breastfeed. I did. I struggled at first too, had to pump and pump and pump and also do formula top ups. We did end up managing to get solely onto breastfeeding but it was hell on earth getting there and if it had happened again with my second son there's no way I'd have even tried with the faff of it all and as he got older I realised I had been silly by how I went about it all. Formula would've been just as good!
There's pros and cons to both btw in social situation. You can have your partner feed the baby whilst you go and do something nice for yourself!
You will probably have a better sleeping baby!
You don't have to worry about how to wean off your boob which is where I'm currently at with my 20 month old...don't even know where to start tbh and I'm scared to try. I've made a rod for my own back!
So there's challenges and guilt for all of us.
Please don't be hard on yourself or think it's anything to do with your baby rejecting you..it's not the case!

You are absolutely not a shit mother!!

Although I totally understand those feelings. Sometimes breastfeeding just doesn't work out for many reasons and support for new mums is often lacking.

I also did the whole breastfeed, formula top up, pump routine with my first son and felt v guilty when he ended up being admitted with dehydration and 15% weight loss as a newborn. I just couldn't produce milk for some reason. Felt a lot of guilt and sadness, and external pressure to 'try harder' at breastfeeding but in time I came to enjoy the benefits of formula feeding.

Oh OP
I completely empathise with the feeling of envy seeing others breastfeeding babies.
Maybe try finding a friend who struggled with it too? I found one to speak to about it and honestly it made me feel so much better (as she is an amazing person and an amazing mum). I am sure that’s how she viewed me too but my self esteem was in the pits and I felt like a total failure around 4 months.
You have had to handle the worst parts of breastfeeding and the worst parts of bottlefeeding.
Being strapped to the Medela pump is my version of hell and something I am determined to never do again. It broke my heart to not be able to comfort my baby when I was expressing. I also had undiagnosed major thyroid issues which noone picked up(just kept asking me to keep trying harder) which I wish had been picked up sooner. There is much shaming of parents but little on the ground support especially for breastfeeding. Real breastfeeding support would be someone taking care of the house while you feed your newborn through most of the day (this is how it is in a lot of Eastern cultures as breastfeeding failure would have meant infant deaths there; plus wet nurses/ sharing of breastfeeding was culturally acceptable)
Also, please look up more information on postnatal depression and seek help if you think you need it. 4 month mark is hard. All the sleep deprivation adds up.

Your are an amazing mum and you have an amazing child who loves you more than anyone in the world and finds comfort in your presence.
You gave it all you had and now you move on to other things. You child will be weaning soon and this will all be ancient history. Xx

I was you 5 years ago. My beautiful daughter refused to breastfeed, no tongue tie or any medical issue. I tried and tried and tried for months, she actually breastfed on one single occasion and then never again! So I pumped and formula fed and was miserable and stressed and felt shit about it and upset seeing other mums breastfeed. So I totally relate. At 4.5 months I stopped trying to bf, at 6 months I stopped pumping.

If I went through the same situation again I would just stop trying to bf after 6 weeks and stop pumping at the same time. Formula fed is absolutely fine. My daughter is happy and very healthy. What she was fed on has little to do with her good health and I wish now I had allowed myself to enjoy that time more.

Please let the guilt go. Your baby loves you and you are feeding him, there are lots of ways to nurture him and explore bonding not related to bf. He is wonderful and so are you. Later on it won't matter.

I had no BF support in hospital but went to the local MLU at 3 days pp with DD to give it a go. Even by then (and I had an amazing supply even if I do say so myself) she wasn’t interested. She’d have three sucks, then clearly think “wtf why’s nothing coming out?!” and she’d unlatch. Anyway, my point is is that if my DD was like that after 3 days your boy’s preference was probably even more engrained by three weeks.

I was ambivalent about BF and so just half heartedly expressed for a week or so and stuck to FF. The fact that you preservered for so long is incredible, and I really do take my hat off to you. That regime really is the worst of both worlds, it’s punishing. Please do not feel bad about it, you did so well and in the overall scheme of things it really is such a small part of being a parent.

I know how you feel, @Thatcat - I struggled to breastfeed my three boys - ds2 need up in hospital because he lost 10oz from his birthweight, and hadn’t regained it at 6 weeks old. He was admitted with a chest infection but we were kept in until I agreed to start supplementing with formula, which basically finished breastfeeding for us.

I beat myself up so badly each time - it was not good for my mental health - but with time comes understanding, and now I can see that I did my absolute best, all the time. Breastfeeding didn’t work for me - I think I make skim while other people make gold top - but all three boys thrived on formula.

And while it seems like such a massive part of raising a baby, there are so, so many more things you can do to raise a healthy, happy, well rounded child - lots of home cooked food, plenty of fruit and vegetables, lots of time outside having fun, lots of time reading with them, letting them do messy crafts, teaching them to be brave, kind, funny - the list goes on and on.

All three of my boys are grown up now - healthy, happy, doing well in their jobs - ds1 and his lovely wife have had their first baby, and ds2, the child who was called ‘failure to thrive’ when he was a baby, is now a strapping man, who plays, coaches and umpires hockey, and is thinking about going to teach in Australia.

Long story short - you are doing an AMAZING job, @Thatcat - so please don’t beat yourself up. I wish I could hug you right now.

I had a very similar experience, stopped breastfeeding around 2months due to tongue tie issues.

I now have a toddler who is so full of joy and very loved, happy and healthy. Being formula fed didn’t make a difference. However, having a present and happy mum, probably did.

I really do feel women put a lot of pressure on each other sometimes and that was an inconsiderate thing for that woman to have said to you. Do what is right for your baby and also you and your mental health. Enjoy these moments and don’t compare yourself and your journey with your child.

Oh my, your post resonated with me. I tried SO HARD to keep it up, just as you most clearly have. Give yourself a break Girlfriend!

I rented the industrial-strength breast pump from the hospital (the less said on that, the better), and took so much fenugreek I smelled like I'd slept in a gutter in Mumbai. Made lactation cookies, and took a drug called dopimedrone or something, and I still only made it to 5 weeks & 4 days.

You are doing so well so far. Please be nice to yourself! For me, the 1st time he drank a full bottle of formula and fell asleep was one of the best days of my life.

Hang in there X

You are definitely not a shit mother! It sounds like you had rubbish ‘support’ and that isn’t your fault. I hope this doesn’t cause you more upset but you may want to look up relactation. It may still be possible to establish breastfeeding if it’s what you would like to do.

Just remember you’re not a crap mum, your baby loves you and doesn’t know any different, and you’re probably going to get more sleep and opportunities for your partner to help with feeding.

They say babies can pick up on the mood of their mum and I’m sure your baby would prefer a happy well rested mum than one beating herself up over something your baby is totally oblivious to!

Ps who cares what the other mums think?

Thank you all so, so much for taking the time to be so kind with your reassurance, and share your thoughts and experiences. The morale support means a lot. It’s so comforting not to be alone in this and to have some understanding of how hard it is to combi feed with the pump and that these hormones really do a number on us, mentally.

I do think lactation consultants can come down hard and fast with strict advice and criticism, but not really give any ongoing support. It’s also true that socially - we don’t have the support from families, which we used to.
You’re right, there’s other ways I can be a good mum - starting with cheering up. I need to be grateful for what I have - a hearty and happy baby boy.

You’ve made me realise there’s ups and downs to both types of feeding - thanks also for that.

I really appreciate you all for the prop up. Thanks from the bottom of my hormonal heart x

You did fine. It's just this stage where so many women are still being verydifficult about baby only having the healthiest of healthy stuff. Once you get into the fullblown tantrum toddler stage when the only thing they want to eat this month is pancakes you'll wonder ehat all the fuss was about.