Guilty for not breastfeeding

[AmyJayne98]

Hi there, my beautiful baby boy was born on the 24th May 2023. Labour and birth was honestly amazing. I did it all on gas and air and a dose of pethidine.
When I had skin on skin with baby he started to latch to breast, but unfortunately About half hour after he was born I noticed blood gushing out of me. All of a sudden the room was filled with doctors, nurses, midwives. I ended up losing 2 litres of blood which ended up with me being in theatre to stop the bleeding and had a blood transfusion.

When I got back from theatre I was so out of it and exhausted I didnt have the energy to try breast again so my partner gave him a bottle. Then the day after we found out babies infection levels were at 69 and should be under 10. So this ended up with him being on antibiotics and had an unsuccessful lumbar puncture :( the whole ordeal has been traumatic and exhausting. We've been sticking to bottles since.

I wasn't planning on bf really and thought bottles would work best for us. But now on day 5 I feel incredibly guilty. I know fed is best but I keep feeling really tearful about the whole thing. Any advice and kind words would be so much appreciated.

It's not too late to try again, speak to your midwife. Sorry to hear you've had such a traumatic time.

Day 5 is the most brutal in terms of emotions post birth and you’ve had a traumatic time so be kind to yourself. It’s not too late if you want to start bf. If you want to start ring your birthing unit now and tell them you need help now.

There are many, many things in life to feel guilty about in life, but this isn't one of them. (As I saw on a video the other day, when was the last time someone asked you if YOU were breastfed?)

You've done an amazing, difficult and traumatic thing. You get to decide what works for you for feeding, with no guilt whatsoever.

If you want to give it another try, go for it. If that's making you feel stressed or upset, stick with the bottles.

You're doing an amazing job. Congratulations!

Sounds quite traumatic! Poor you - hope you're taking it easy. So on day 5, your hormones will be all over the place. If you want to try breast feeding again, then you can ask but if you don't then that's OK too. Looking after children is a two way thing - it has to work for both parties - this includes breastfeeding. Baby is fed - you're doing great :-).

Try to be kind to yourself, day 5 is the worst for hormones affecting your thinking, and your body has been through so much, you’re doing so well. He’s well and loved and that’s what matters.

For what it’s worth, day 5 isn’t too late to have another try at breastfeeding, especially if you’re happy to give formula to make sure baby isn’t short on milk. Have you tried letting him latch? It would be hard work to build up a full supply, and the midwife could advise you if you wanted to do that - but even if you don’t aim to get to exclusive breastfeeding, it might be nice. As a chance to bond and maybe get a little breast milk into him?

Remember, day 5 is when the baby blues really hit, I felt rotten then, even with my second when labour and feeding had both gone beautifully. It does pass, and soon.

Congratulations 💐

It’s completely understandable that you feel this way after such a traumatic start but it’s really important to remember that you haven’t failed your little boy in any way. After a complicated and risky start for you both, you’ve made a really informed decision that has ensured he’s fed.

It is not too late to try some breastfeeding and if you’re keen to see if you can establish it then mention it to your midwife, you might be able to do a period of combi feeding in a way that works for you.

You’ve birthed a baby and now you’re meeting his needs whilst recovering yourself, that’s absolutely motherhood and it sounds like you’re smashing it x

Please don’t feel guilty. Nothing wrong with formula at all.

My son would never latch. I got horrible advice from midwives to express 8-12 times a day and eat more to get my supply up. All that happened was that i got exhausted to the point of feeling suicidal, and i put on weight that i never lost. I only able to ever pump about 40% of what he needed. I gave up after 5 months and regret doing it.

i’m pregnant again and apart from colostrum, i won’t be tryinf to bf again. Straight to formula.

You’ve been through enough. Please also remember that you also need to heal.

If it helps, I was formula fed (after colostrum) and my brother was breastfed for 6 months. No difference between us as children or adults in terms of health. I don’t have any allergies/hayfever/eczema/asthma either.

Hi OP. This sounds very traumatising for you all. Hoping you’re all doing much better now.

try not to feel guilty about this. You did the right thing.

You can restart if you wish. You just need a decent pump and/or to try latching again. There are a lot of myths about feeding and one is them is not being able to restart. Do some research and see if it’s worth it. Combi feeding is a great option if you do decide to try again.

Whatever you decide, know that every child is different and feed is best. Irrespective of how it’s done.

above all, take care of yourself and speak to someone irl about your experience and your feelings. It will help to process.

It's definitely not too late. My son was on formula for 5 days because I was so ill.

Was hard work but I managed to get him back to breast and ended up feeding till he was 3.5.

You can establish your supply if you want to try BFing, easiest way to stimulate your supply is by putting baby to breast

You sound very much like me when I had my first, similar traumatic experience. You say you'd planned to bottle feed as you felt this would work for you. You consciously made this choice. There is nothing wrong with that. Your hormones are all over the place, everyone automatically assumes you'll breastfeed and therefore you feel like you have to defend your choice to bottle feed, when you say you've stopped people will say but it isn't too late to go back to breast, intensifying the guilty feeling. mixed with emotions, hormones and the trauma you've been through it becomes unbearablly overwhelming.

What I wish someone had said to me is.. You're feeding your child, you're meeting their needs, you're doing a great job!

I spent the first few weeks of my sons life upset and distracted by trying to breastfeed when it just wasn't working for us, it wasn't us I was doing it for, because for us it was horrific. It was because I felt like I should. My second was bottle fed right for the beginning and I enjoyed his first few days so much more than carrying to guilt I did with my first.

It honestly doesn’t matter how you feed your baby as long as you feed them. You could of course try again re bf however a friend of mine became severely anaemic after being in a situation like you and her supply disappeared so if it’s just guilt not a massive desire to bf then let the guilt go and enjoy your baby. They will thrive on formula!

Echoing what people have said about day 5 being all the hormones!

But at the moment, you've got nothing to lose from trying breastfeeding. If it works and you want to stick with it great, if it doesn't or you decide you do prefer formula, your baby is already happily drinking formula so he will carry on doing that and be fine.

I went through this almost exactly a year ago.

I never planned to bf but about day 5/6 I felt incredibly guilty and didn't know if I had made the right decision.

I continued with formula as planned and I have an almost 1 year old now who is absolutely thriving.

Try not to beat yourself up. Everything will work out no matter what you decide to do.

With my youngest I FF from birth as i didn’t want to breastfeed having breastfed my middle son for 12 months and only stopping a few months before he was born. I ended up breastfeeding from day 5 out of desperation because he was shocking for taking bottles. He was taking 10-15mls max per feed and then clamping his mouth shut and no-one could work out why. I tried different teats, different milk temp, longer gaps between feeds, shorter gaps between feeds, he was having none of it. He ended up breastfed for 4.5 months when I slowly transitioned back to formula, which was entirely my choice. It’s not too late if you want to try.

Equally, if you don’t want to try you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. There is nothing wrong with FF at all. Nothing. Be kind to yourself, you’ve had a traumatic experience and post birth hormones are so hard x

From someone who also felt terrible guilt for not breastfeeding, please, please, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up - I wish I could tell myself that if I had my time over.

I really tried to breastfeed but for a combination of reasons it didn't work for us. I formula fed my little boy - he is now 9 months and thriving.

FED IS BEST!

I echo what others said: If you want to breastfeed it's not too late. I had an ok birth but breastfeeding was a nightmare. My baby wouldn't latch properly and the pain was horrible. I ended up giving him bottles of formula, then pumped breast milk. I remember day 5 we had come home from hospital. I had a list of lactation consultants saved on my phone but thought it was too late to get breastfeeding started. In hindsight I know it was not, but I was exhausted, hormonal, my body ached and I was focused on setting up exclusive pumping (which I'm still doing now, 4 mpp). My biggest regret was giving up too soon and not asking for help then.

Thank you all for your lovely messages, I really do feel less lonely and feeling a lot better this morning. I think everything that's happened mix with lack of sleep and being stuck in hospital has caught up with me. More hopeful this morning as its baby's last dose of antibiotics!!! 🎊
So hopefully home today or tomorrow.

Still unsure of what to do, my mil mentioned mix feeding. Any of you done the same with you little ones?

Combi feeding worked perfectly for me with my second. You have to be mindful that your supply will wane but that suited me fine.

This sounds awful! My baby didn't latch on until three weeks as had to have heart surgery at 6 days so was on a nutritional drip before then and I had to consistently pump during that time m. So latching on might not be a problem, could just be a case of establishing and maintaining supply - as others say, give it a go if you want and keep up with the formula! X

Combi fed mine. Works really well whether you’re established bf or struggling with it. Great for weaning off bf too.

tips if you want to re try:

allot time for skin to skin and try latching again, but don’t push it. Hugs are great and will help with bonding and milk production
use a pump to boost milk (Elvie are great but expensive)
if you can express, give that in a bottle

know that expressing ft is tough! 4 hourly pumping is not fun, especially when you’re bottle feeding baby at 2am and the having to stay up to express, hence having a hands free pump whilst you feed with a bottle is far easier.

maybe aim to build up to 4 pump sessions a day. Only 2 or 3 and supply might drop.

know that latching might not work and that’s okay. Fed is best and you’re doing great 😊

At 5 days you can still do it if you want. Relactation is a thing. Lots of skin to skin and get LO on the boob as much as possible. If you don't fancy it, no worries.

Motherhood comes with a lot of guilt though. Most of it fruitless too. Welcome to club. Take care of yourself. You have needs and they matter too.