Breast feeding, appetite, weight loss, and sex drive

[anotheranon]

Anon for this in case someone I know is reading

I am breastfeeding my four month old baby, and it's been going great. Mostly I enjoy it, though I often feel like I'd rather not - sometimes I feel sick of being pawed at and touched. Other times I get that warm glow and think I could do this forever. Well, not literally, but you know.

But at what point do you let other aspects of your life have importance? I don't know what to do - not right now necessarily but I don't know what to think about the future.

I put on a lot of weight during pregnancy due to illness, and I am now very unhappy with my body. Breastfeeding is not helping with my weight because my appetite is huge. So I'm eating a lot but I swear it is appetite led. I do not eat if I am not hungry. My body and shape are really getting to me. I wonder that if I stopped breastfeeding, my appetite would decrease and maybe I could actually burn off some of this fat?

Then of course, a complete absence of anything like a sex drive. I am just not interested. My partner is not pressuring me, or even mentioning it, we did talk about it ages ago and he accepted that I would probably not be keen on sex as long as I am exclusively breastfeeding and he did not have a problem with it. But I do, a bit. I want to want to have sex, if you know what I mean.

We have found adjusting to being parents a big struggle and it has nearly destroyed our relationship. Just lately we are getting back on track and enjoying each other's company, and I wish I wanted to rekindle a bit of intimacy. I feel like it would go a long way to repairing things. I have, in the past, had a long distance relationship, and the lack of physical contact was largely a reason for me ending it. I'm not worried about this happening here of course but it is important to me.

But then, of course, there is my baby. My PFB I want to put him before all of this. Already I can see what a huge comfort feeding is to him. I feed him to sleep, most of the time. Night feeds are almost serene, peaceful and lovely. He has started to 'chatter' to me after feeding, and well, nothing beats that feeling.

How can I reconcile all of these feelings? I don't want to stop breastfeeding, but I am fed up of what comes with it.

Sorry this is so long - it feels good to have written it all down, if nothing else.

Poor you. Isn't it mad that we all get het up about breastfeeding (as well as other things that are best for our babies). I had to stop at 6 weeks with both of mine and still struggle with it, but secretly enjoyed some of the benefits that it brought too.

Given I stopped so early, I am really not qualified to help - just thought I would post to support you. It's good that you are taking the first step to talk about the issues, and that your relationship seems to be back on track with open communication about this stuff too.

Remember - A happy mummy makes a happy baby. So try to focus on what is best for you- that may be the sense of achievement of breastfeeding, but it also may not be.

Well, this is how it went for me.

Exclusively bf ds on demand until 6 months. Ate and ate during this time as was constantly hungry. Did BLW at 6 months and ds took to it like a fish to water. I noticed shortly after that his feeding less coincided with a fairly big drop in my weight. A few weeks later, we did night weaning and again a few more pounds fell off and I got a good bit more sleep.

Around 11 months, I started childminding. DS was occupied with the other children and started wanting to bf less. Some more weight came off. I was still eating like a horse all this time.

DS is now 2.3 and we are still feeding a few times in the day and not at all at night. I am lighter than I was pre pregnancy and lost 15kgs from the weight I was a week after the birth and I still eat vast quantities of food...

I don't remember exactly when my sex drive came back, but it did, except I'm usually too bloody tired!

I would say that you are currently at one of the hardest points of breastfeeding. If you can hang on in there until your ds is eating solids then you may find that the pressure lifts a great deal. On the grand scale of things, a few more weeks isn't a long time out of your life, however, the decision is entirely yours.

Good luck, and well done getting this far!

I completely recognize what you're going through because I went through the same thing pretty much PRECISELY when DS was 4 months old...so here we go...

Regarding weight loss: It is different for everyone (see threads regarding whether you lose/gain weight whilst/during/after a while of breastfeeding), but for me I also gained weight with pregnancy, but around six months of bf I started LOSING weight, even though I was actually eating more. Realize that when you gained weight during pregnancy it was your body preparing you for feeding your baby after it was born. You NEED that extra fat to sustain you and your bf child. For this reason, I would give it at least another couple of months of bf, try to be relaxed about the way your body looks (this is much easier for me to say now that I am on the other side of things, but trust me). I now weigh less than I did before I had my baby, and this is definitely due to bf. My baby is 11 months old, and, like I said, I started to notice a difference around 6 months.

Regarding relationship/sex: YES YES YES it is difficult to rekindle the fire when you do not have the biology to do it; it is HORMONAL. Estrogen is your "babymaking" hormone, and progesterone (which you need to make milk) is your "baby-caring-for" hormone. Not a lot of estrogen and lots of progesterone = NO SEX DRIVE. This is hard on both partners, but good on your partner that he hasn't pressured you or made you feel bad about it. What I decided one day was that one out of five times that my husband requested sex (you know, initiated it with pawing, or jack-russelling or whatever), I would accept and make love with him whether I was in the mood or not. I found that I could still enjoy the act while it was happening, it was just the initiation and getting into it that was the problem for me. So perhaps try something like that. I also felt that the release of sex did so much for me emotionally, and it certainly did a lot for our initmacy and closeness (even though, as I said, DH was only "getting it" one out of the five times that he "wanted it").

Regarding intimacy and your relationship: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. So many couples have a rocky time during the first year, particularly in those first months, because you are negotiating a new relationship among you. You are a threesome, not a twosome, and you're focused on your LO, understandably, because your LO needs more focus right now. But this gets easier as your child gets older, and more independent, then slides back a bit when separation anxiety kicks in because suddenly LO needs more attention again, (this is where we are currently), but I imagine that this also gets easier. Also, as baby gets older your partner can assist more in the care and comforting of the baby, making it more of a team-effort and something you do together rather than something you're doing for your baby and hence that your husband is not getting from you. My advice is to just be patient, and try to be as understanding as you can. If things continue to become more difficult, think of talking to someone. My DH and I finally decided, with mounting issues that were not being resolved properly, that this was the right choice for us (despite his initial reluctance to go), and it's helped tremendously.

And regarding your little baby: of course you want to put him before all of these issues, this is your biological imperative (see progesterone, above), and an emotional attachment your nurturing. You are obviously a wonderful mum and wife, you're just going through the growing pains that we've all gone through and it's rough, I know it is. DO TAKE TIME for yourself, and DO TRY TO TAKE TIME for your husband, and even if it feels like faking at first, try to have sex at least once a week or so. I know it sounds horribly mechanical and forced, but it will do wonders for the two of you in getting you focused on one another for a little while. It might be a quicky, and your LO might even have to be in the same room if you don't have someone to look after him, but he's too young to know the difference except that he will get the benefit of a very relaxed mum and dad afterwards

And the weight loss will either happen, or it won't, after few more months. My advice, and take it or leave it obviously, try not to notice your body or worry about the way it looks for the first year of your baby's life. At six months, maybe try a little exercise (you'll be far too knackered for that now), and at a year perhaps think of diet IF THE PROBLEM HASN'T SORTED ITSELF OUT, which it probably will.

I hope that is helpful. Good luck and remember that you're a beautiful mum whose just recently brought new life into the world, and your a wonderful wife who can manage to think of your husband and his needs even though you're the full-time carer of another human being. Good for you.

Hang in there.

I can only relate to the sex/relationship part. After our second child (16 weeks old) we have not yet made love. DS is feeding every 2 hrs at night and while it is very beautiful, I feel sometimes like I just have my boobs out day and night (he's not an easy feeder so it's stop start all the time).

The last thing I feel like is having my husband touching me sexually as I feel so non sexual and just like a feeding machine. DH slepping on the sofa as is having very stressful time at work and needs the sleep. I realistically think we will only resume sex when I stop exclusivelyb bf which will hopefully be when ds is about 6 months. He's not pressuring me but poor thing I really feel for him!

Doesn't help having a toddler to look after as well!

Hang on in there - this too will pass.

Thanks for the replies, I feel so much better just talking about it.

Roro mummy that had me close to tears! Such a lovely post.

I suppose I feel like 4 months is a bit of a brick wall. 6 months seems so far away, the tiredness is really starting to set in, and people seem to think you should have your life back together by now. I think I am letting other people get to me.

I co-sleep, DP is in the spare room. My mother keeps telling me how awful this is and that DS should go in his own room - I tell her about the SIDS guidelines but she just sort of looks at me and says 'there are three people in this family and you are not considering one of them'... etc etc.

PotPourri I'm sorry yo struggle with having stopped and I think that is my big fear - if I stop breastfeeding, that is it, and will I just kick myself endlessly... not to mention formula, sterilising etc, that in itself is work too.

Hillbilly that's sort of how I feel, it's bad enough that DS has learned to grab and pinch my boobs, I really don't want DP anywhere near them. The problem with that is only that when I was pregnant I thought it would be okay, that I would easily differentiate, when I am feeding my boobs are non-sexual, when I am not feeding they can be sexual - perhaps that will come in time when DS has solids and feeds less? We have had sex a few times but I was so nervous, apprehensive, it was either a bit sore or I just didn't enjoy it.

RoRo I have thought about just trying to do it anyway, perhaps just enjoy the closeness and physical contact element even if I am not turned on, I feel really mixed on that - I suppose you can't mentally prepare for feeling rather sexless. I worry about my DP turning to porn to get a few kicks as I've read a few threads along those lines. Then I think maybe it wouldn't bother me that much. Then, I think that's a bit sad considering what we had before. But, that was then, this is now - can you see how long these internal dialogues can go on for!

The only other thing that sort of bothers me is that I know DP would be pleased if I stopped breastfeeding. He knows how good it is, but really, he'd be very relieved I think, for many reasons, sex probably being last on the list actually.

I found my sex drive came back fully once DS had more-or-less night-weaned himself.

On the weight, what sort of things are you eating? You may find, for example, that low-GI eating habits may stop you feeling so hungry all the time.

Co-sleeping -- how big is your bed? Is there a particular reason it's just you and your DS sharing and DH is in another room? Are you co-sleeping all night? We'd put DS down in a cot at night (in our room at that age, then in his own room) but then he'd come in with us when he woke up after around midnight, and that seemd to work out well as a compromise solution.

Hi anotheranon, great post. just wanted to concur that this stage of BFeeding is very difficult. My DD2 is 20 weeks and feeding every 2-3 hours at night. She also refuses to take a bottle, even of EBM, so I feel tethered to her night and day. Last night I was in tears because I feel so responsible and even trapped at times (I recognise that's a bit melodramatic). DD2 was on bottles from 12 weeks and slept through so this has hit me for 6 a bit.

I've been quite cheered by the responses on here suggesting that things will improve in the next few months esp after solids are introduced.

good luck and thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's nice not to feel so alone.

Can I second the experience of weight loss coming when you've been bf for longer. We're now at 9mo and weight has really dropped off me since about 6mo to the extent people are asking what I've done. Answer is nothing except bf and I definitely eat a lot and not all it good things.

Re: sex drive consider a glass of wine! I am also not nearly as enthusiastic as I was and could happily leave it were it not for dh but I put it down mainly to tiredness. I find it is easier to say yes after a large glass of wine, a bath and a back rub. Dh has also cottoned on to this and sets the scene a bit more before asking these days.

Anotheranon, ignore your mum. She doesn't understand the situation, and the reason I can say that is that I WAS her when my cousin's husband was sleeping in the spare room when she was sleeping with her DD; I was like, that is NOT normal, it's just awful, what an attack on their intimacy, blah blah blah.

Guess what? DH is on the couch and DS and I enjoy a lovely huge bed to ourselves, which has resulted in FAR LESS conflict in all of our lives for the moment and we fully realize that it is not long-term, just for now.

You do what you have to do to get by. It's amazing what upheaval these little people affect in our lives!

Take care.

anon, don't have time to reply properly but will try to later, but I just wanted to say i could have written that post! and i'm sure many mums on here could have too. all your feelings are perfectly NORMAL!

quick addition here
bf exclusively for 6 mths. hated my body - had put on so much during pg and even more after. around 6 mths - weight came off for me - without me changing my eating / diet. i think it was def bf - as if my body was working harder. i ate like a horse - if it didnt move - it was in my mouth. around this time as well - relationship with dp got better - i thinki was just more relaxed about things. dd is now 10mths , still bf and i am so glad i stuck through it all. she is alot more active now and the morning / night sleepy feeds are the real time i get to cuddle and hold her. she moved into her own room at 9 mths and whilst i am not back to full lust levels - we are getting there.

good luck - and just remember the mantra - it will pass!!

oh, this is quite good to know.

ds is 10m and I sort of thought I might be starting to lose a little tiny bit of weight, but I think I eat too much rubbish (am always hungry too). although ds is weaning reasonably well this has only cut his feeds down to every 4-hrs (from every 2!) and still a couple times a night, so in feeding terms he's kind of like a much younger baby I think.

as for sex, well I have the same "want to want sex" feeling, but fact is, I don't really, and dh def doesn't (his sex drive practically non-existent anyway). trying hard not to brood over this.

we are also co-sleeping about half the night and just starting another round of teething hell which means lots of miserable night waking to look forward to.

occasionally think about moving ds to his own room, or night weaning, and then think, it would just make me more stressed so probably wouldn't gain much IYSWIM. So I just sigh and wait for it to pass. Glad to hear other mums' experiences on here I must say.

I've been BF my DD for coming up to 10 months now. I work full-time and express at work x3 a day and feed her myself first thing in the morning and sometimes in the evening and I'm losing no weight at all I am sincerely hoping that I'm one of those women who don't lose the weight until they stop BF otherwise I'm in big trouble I also couldn't exercise during pregnancy as I had a DVT so the weight piled on and I don't really feel I've lost much of it since giving birth.

Just about the co-sleeping, DH slept in the spare room for about eight months after the birth of DS1 and is again now that DS2 is 6mths. the only problem that i have found is that you have to get use to ds snoring/bed hogging when you begin sleeping in the same bed again Its better for you both to get as much sleep as poss.

Everyone is different when it comes to losing the weight. I put on almost 3 stone whilst pregnant on a size 14 body, at my 6 week check had lost that plus a futher 2 stone. Ate like a rabid dog, guzzled gallons of water, walked miles every day witht he pram. DD was 5 months back to work FT expressing in the day. She's now 13 months, stopped in last 2 weeks (sort of, she's been very ill in last week and has been having milk again) and have put on almost a stone!

Think I lived off my nerves for the last year, my eating habits have changed and now I don't need so many calories but I just like eating them and not doing so much exercise from being so flippin tired from working all hours (am single mum so no-one else to share the load with). Yet my sis lost almost a stone when she finished feeding with all 3 of her kids. You can always lose the weight (remember it took 9 months to put the weight on give yourself 9 months for it to come off) but it can be very hard if you stop feeding to go back to it again. You are doing such a good thing for your baby, but it is YOUR body and your baby so whatever you do will be right for you.

just to say i think there are a lot of us in the same boat - my ds is only 10 wks but i have the same concerns as you - still haven't had sex and feel terrible about it, also wondering when/if i'm going to lose weight - hope the posts on here make you feel better as they do me - looks like all will be fine at 6 months - if not we can come back on and berate them!

Only read OP. I have just givn up breastfeeding for various reasons. DS is 24 weeks. I got to 21 weeks and introduced formula.

• Weight - got to within 7lbs of pre pregnancy weight and regardless of what I did - it would not shift. Now that i have stopped breastfeeding, i plan to exercise much more without worrying about impact to milk supply.

• Exercise - I like running first thing. Until I had fed DS at 7, I couldnt do anything, boobs were too heavy - so fitting it in any other time became harder

• Lifestyle - I wanted a lie in/ time away without worrying about expressing/ boobs exploding/ leaking.

• Sexiness - I wanted out of nursing bras and breast pads!

But the main reason outside all of this is that DH and I plan to try for DC2 sooner rather than later and I would like my body back for a little while before going teetotal etc. again.

Having said all that. I feel so incredibly sad about stopping. I absolutely loved it. And once I had made the decision based on the above reasons - the reality of giving up made me think I would like to continue.

DS took matters into his own hands at this point and started becoming very hard work to feed at the breast. Would take enough milk to take the edge off his hunger then stop - the world became too interesting a place to be staring at mummys face/ chest (even when all matter of interesting things were placed there to try and keep his attention). So what was fun and lovely for both of us became a battle of wills involving tears and tantrums.

Started to wean off breast - start to finish took 19 days. When I mentioned to DH last night that I missed it; his comment? Lets start with no. 2!!!

That was my experience. For me - I had to weigh up pros and cons; and in the end, (yes DS helped), my need to have me back won out. I dont feel guilty. And am already looking forward to kicking DH out of bed to do the breakfast feed.

HTH

Anon - I identify with the sex drive part of your OP especially. My DD (3rd DC) is 7m and I have DS1 4 and DS2 2.5 and quite frankly even if I wasn't BF DD I am pawed at so much by three little bodies all day that in the evening I want my personal space back!
And the BF does completely ruin my sex drive too and has all three times- I agree that it is hormonal.
And I am in the middle of a love affair with DD - I have had this with all my babies- its a very emotionally demanding but also rewarding time.
Plus its very tiring night feeding- I can't have sex if I am falling asleep- and I can't do what some one else suggests and go through the motions either. My DH has been OK about it but I guess as it is our third he knows that eventually it will get better.
Babies are great at being the centre of your world to the exclusion of all others- its what they are designed to do to survive. As for your mum- IGNORE! your partner is a grown man and should be able to cope!
I just make sure we still retain some intimacy even if it doesn't lead anywhere (cuddles etc).

I lost sex drive with both DSs and didn't get back in the saddle until they were just under/over 12mo.

Yep, it's a long time but DH understood that BFing is more impt than sex. The loss of sex has been a relatively short period of time when you consider how long our marriage will be. It's give and take - the babies' nutrition was priority for a while, but it's not the end of the world! I think it helps to keep things in perspective

Hi again anon, just wanted to reply a bit more in depth.

The sex thing: I think it is completely normal not to have a sex drive. I don't thinkit is just bfing; hormones, tiredness plus the fact you pushed a baby out of there, and the fear of possibly getting pg again all combine to bring down your sex drive. My one piece of advice would be to just do asap. Me and dh didn't and it caused tension and arguments and the longer we left it and the more we argued the more it became a Big Thing. We finally did last week, totally spontaneously (and dd is bfed and 8 months). It has helped enormously. I wouldn't say my sex drive is totally back, but the initial go is over with so it's not such a big thing. Even if you don't particularly feel like it, try and give it a go.

Oops, gotta go. will reply more soon.

Further to my last reply...

I don't know what advice to offer about the weight thing. I'm am pretty unhappy with my body too. It's not just the weight, but it has changed shape, so now all the clothes I had before, if I can squeeze into them they don't look right because of my baby belly, love handles, massive norks etc.! Are you managing to get out walking? Maybe you could invest in a pedometer and try walking 10,000 steps a day. Even if it doesn't make much difference to your weight you will regain some of your fitness, and get a bit of fresh air. What sort of things are you eating? Maybe you could start a thread for tips on low fat but filling snacks/meals that are quick and easy.

I wish I could tell you the right thing to do. hell, I wish I knew the right thing to do myself! I have a general feeling of not quite feeling myself and I don't know if it related to bfing. If I stop will I feel better? I don't know. Right now I am not ready to stop. It doesn't sound like you are either, so you just have to tackle the rest of your feelings in a different way in the meantime.

Btw, these feelings are so normal, you shouldn't have to worry about being anonymous. Most of us know how you feel, none of this is anything to be ashamed of.

Just want to add, l stopped BFing my DS at 8 months because l was so unhappy about my weight and l wanted to go on one of those dramatic weight loss diets (which l had done before) and could not BF whilst l was on it = l have always regretted it.
Now l am Bfing my 7 month DD, l am getting to that point where things are a bit easier child wise, sleeping through, good start to weaning etc, but l feel like crap 3 stone over weight l want to be (and thats not a size zero ). Instead of the usual extreme diet route, l am this time, concentrating on doing some little things to change my lifestyle, more walking out with the buggy now the weathers getting better, drinking loads of water, porridge for breakfast to fill me up, invested in some moisturiser and face pack sachets to give my tired face a pick me up etc...
Have ditched the maternity jeans and bought some cheapy stuff from sainsburys, tesco and primark, albeit in a size 18, l might have muffin tops and F cup norks to work with but l might as well dress better. Going on hols next week, l am determined not feel uncomfotable about the way l look. Will be continuing to BF as long as l can.