Scared of breast feeding

[micegg]

DD1 was born 2.6 years ago and throughout my pregnancy I just assumed I would BF. However she had different ideas and just would not latch on. I had lots of different community midwives try and help but DD would just scream when I put her to my breast and I ended up incredibly stressed and upset by the whole thing. Eventually I bottle fed expessed milk for about 4 weeks but stuggled to keep up with DDs demand mixed with my inexperience and the total lack of preparation for what happened. DH is not supportive of me breast feeding. His attitude is I can do what I want but he wont discuss it. I am due to give birth in 5 weeks. The MW said I will probably be discharged within 6 hours of the birth so I cant see I will be getting much help there. After last times disaster I have absolutley no confidence and don't know where to look for practical help or support. All I keep hearing is how difficult it is so I assume I will need help at some point. I'd really like to try but I can't gp through that again.

should say can't GO through that again

micegg, your story is spookily similar tyo mine. I also assumed I would bf my first, and like yours he point-blank refused.
I did actually get him to breastfeed at around 10 days, but we had given up by 5 months (for various reasons)

ANYWAY, this time round I was really really keen to give it my best shot and get it working and the things I did differently, that I feel may have had an impact the first time were:

• no epidural (actually had no pain relief at all, but would try and avoid epi at all costs)

-skin to skin as soon as he was born, lay back and leave him on your tummy- he may well do the breast crawl and find his own way there.

• don't force anything, don't hold his head and "make" him feed

I also made sure I had a good support network and knew the numbers of BFC and where my local breastfeeding cafe was.

Luckily, this time ds2 latched on within an hour of being born and there is no stopping him. we have had probs with tongue-tie etc, but that was sorted pretty quickly and having the back up of BF cafe etc has been great.
Yes, it can be difficult and it is difficult for a lot of women. but with the right support and good advice it needn't be too hard to overcome any potential problems
best of luck

Oh I really feel for you.. It was a nightmare getting to feed DS1 (took him 10 days to latch on) made a great difference to how I felt about him and generally the our first 2 weeks together was stressful and quite unpleasant. However once he did it we never looked back I fed him until 10-11 months.

So 2nd time round I had the same apprehension as you have, I thought carefully about the first 2 weeks and tried to think about things that may or may not have worked for me. I realised that we actually managed to get him to latch the first day Dh went back to work we were on our own and it had to work..

So I told midwife all about our trials from first time and asked if she would let me try on my own.

WOW totally different baby I tentatively sat down got out the boobage within 10 minutes of him being born, and he was like a baby bird mouth wide open very hungry and he just knew what to do.. In every way they boys have been different, you may find it will be the same for you.

Let your midwife know you want support and try it.. you never know,, could work like a dream

I am sure there are ladies on here who can offer more specific advice, just wanted to share my experience hope it gives you some hope.

oh and you need to tell your dh to sort himself out. he absolutely needs to support you in what you're doing.
what area of the country are you in?

Well, coming to mumsnet is a very good start - you'll get tons of good advice and support on here. A couple of excellent websites you might want to look at are this one by a mumsnetter and kellymom. The first of these has all the numbers for bf support groups; they will talk through any issues with you and I believe some can even send someone who knows her stuff to see you feed and help you get the latching etc right.
Sorry your dh is not supportive - but there are plenty of us here ready to discuss this with you and perhaps he'll come round once he sees how determined you are? And well done for deciding to give bf another go after what must have been a really tough time (and for all that expressing - that's hard work!)

This time, you will be more confidant with a newborn, and things could go much better than you think.

dont focus on how difficult it all is, as it's the stress of worrying about breastfeeding that hinders feeding itself.
I know that easier said then done, sorry.

Focus on the experience you have already been through with your first child.
2nd time around its not such a big learning curve.
i am sure you will breastfeed this time, a woman who expressed for 4 weeks is one determined lady!!!

The first thing you need to do (OK, the 2nd, as the 1st thing is to post on MN, which you have done ) is to contact the various breastfeeding support bodies. Midwives, though many of them are utterly fantastic, are not necessarily the best people to advise you on breastfeeding. A breastfeeding counsellor or peer supporter is the best person for this. Talk to the support lines, see if you can find someone local who would be willing to give you face-to-face support. It would also be good for you to discuss your previous experience and your worries with a breastfeeding counsellor - a sort of debrief. Don't worry about crying, or sounding silly. It's absolutely fine and they're used to it, they are there to help.

Also, if you don't want to be discharged early, they cannot force it on you. With my second I refused early discharge. A senior mw (or dr? I don't remember now) came and had a chat with me, read my notes, and agreed to keep me in at my request. The reason? Because I had had PND and problems breastfeeding last time. It really made a difference to me, not being rushed out.

I shall have a hunt around for the support line telephone numbers. Unless someone else has them to hand and can post them sooner than me?

There are several different routes for breastfeeding support :-

: Four main breastfeeding charities with their highly trained breastfeeding counsellors Numbers of the right of this page

: Websites. Mumsnet, www.kellymom.com, Hunker's Site

: Local Breastfeeding support groups, run by peer supports or health care professionals. Ask your midwife for any details of local groups.

: Family and friends. I know you mentioned that your DH is not supportive but do you have anyone else who would support you.

Every baby is different, just because breastfeeding didn't go well last time, does not mean anything for this time.

All the best and I hope you find the support you need.

I think many many people struggle with breast feeding and I often get on my high horse about how little pragmatic advice and proper support there is for first time mums- largely because I am still bitter about the rubbish experience I had at the start with dd1. Having said that, the shock of finding breast feeding hard, and ultimately giving up, meant I went into dd2 with my eyes open. I watched clips of breast feeding latching on over and over on the internet. I warned good friends sucessfully feeding that I might need them to watch me trying. I went to the local breast feeding support woman a few days before the birth and she sat down with me and talked me through lots of stuff about positioning and very good advice about the birth. She told me to let the baby lie on my chest after the birth and stay there until she had calmed down and gone looking for the boob herself, lifting her head and banging her face across my chest ( I was soooo dubious about this bit but it happened exactly as she said)then to try and feed her. This meant telling the midwives to check her on me, to wait to weigh her and warning my husband I wasnt going to give her over for cuddles straight away. Anyway in short it has been a completely different experience, I am just weaning her now and she is one. I would say you can do it, but you are right to look for support. Ask you midwife what is available in your area. I'm sure people will be on here soon with links to good organisations. Why does your DH not want to discuss it? Is he worried about you going through upset again? I know my DH was very relieved it went well this time. I think I was also much calmer because dd1 did fine on formula so I had got over my 'formula is poison' hysteria which took the pressure off. Good luck

Opps, I took far too long too write that post and cross posted with everyone
My links are duplicates of the other links posted...please ignore me

Thanks everyone .

I am sitting here holding back tears. I dont think I realised how deeply this had affected me until now. It was only when I went and bought some packs of formula for 'just in case' that I realised I needed to sort this.

fingerwoman - re: your comment about the epidural. I had an epidural with DD1. Could that have explained why she never latched on in the first place? I thought the epidural didnt affect the baby. Dont much fancy giving birth without an epidural but thats a whole different story.

Cathpot - Thanks for the tip about getting baby to look for the breast. I remember being a bit spaced and just vaguely looking at DD before she was wipped away to be weighed, etc. I dont recall at what point she was put on the breast but I do remember the MW commenting that it was odd that she wouldnt latch on. Re: DH. Yes I do think its because he saw how upset I was. He's a very practical person and unless he can fix problem he doesnt want to know. He has already mentioned on several occassions that I should jus FF and forget BF. I am not against FF. DD is proof that its fine but this will be my last child and I really want to have given it a go. I think there will always be part of me that will wonder if I had missed out on soemthing by not doing it. More to do with the closeness to your baby than anything else.

Oh, please try. It is worth it (and no, I'm not a vehement anti-formula type!)
And for what it's worth, I had an epidural with my second baby and she started feeding with no problems.
Good luck!

i just found this whilst googling, that's quite interesting on how choices you make in labour can affect breastfeeding.

yes, of course, as satine proves, an epidural doesn't necessarily mean you will have probs breastfeeding, but as I understand it it can make it more likely.
I think that the medication can make the baby much drowsier.

also it can lead to other intervention (in my case ventouse delivery) which are more renowned for making baby reluctant to nurse

www.drjacknewman.com
This is also a fantastic site - videos of rights & wrongs and lots of very detailed explanation... next best thing to hands-on help IMO

fingerwoman, I understand you are sharing information, however it does not always follow if a mother has interventions during birth then she can not breastfeed and I worry that bringing this topic up on this thread, might worry the OP un-necessarily.

micegg, I had a terrible time, with a lot of problems, leading to me nearly dying losing a LOT of blood and being out of it for hours/days after my baby was born. Yet with the right support I managed to breastfeed. Bad births does not automatically mean not breastfeeding.

Please don't try and second guess what is going to happen, all you can do is put your support network in place and see what happens on a day by day basis.

I haven't said that if you have intervention you won't be able to breastfeed.
But I think it's fairly common knowledge that if you do have intervention, particularly ventouse or forceps then it CAN cause problems.

if you don't have all the information then how can you make informed choices during your birht????

times article on BF and epidurals

and from kellymom:

Some babies are unwilling to nurse, or suck poorly as a result of medication they received during the labour. Narcotics are responsible for many such situations, and meperidine (Demerol) is particularly bad as it stays in the baby?s blood for a long time and affects the way he sucks for several days. Even morphine given in an epidural may cause the baby to be unwilling to nurse or latch on, since medication from an epidural definitely does get into the mother?s blood, and thus into the baby before he is born.

Vigorous suctioning at birth may result in babies not sucking properly and not wanting to latch on. There is no need to suction a healthy, full term baby at birth.

I see what you are saying but if a mother has little or no choice (like I did) to have inventions during the birth and heard that this can cause breastfeeding problems, this might put some mothers of even trying to breastfeed.

I was told something very similar, later on when I had established breastfeeding with my daughter and in my case if I had been told that before I gave birth, I doubt I would have breastfed.

However this is only my opinion based on my own limited experiences, other mothers may of course find that kind of information useful.

micegg it took me five days to get ds latched on and major grief establishing bf too, but it was fine in the end. super advice here. would add that your thread is a very good idea, get all help set up and then you are coming from a position of strength, not scared or unconfident in your choices.

i do love your mnname, that e rolling from mice to egg oh it is good.

if I had known about it beforehand I think it would have made me a little less anxious to get ds to latch on- knowing that meds/ventouse may have affected him.
but I didn't, I just thought he hated me and didn't want to bf so gave in and formula fed him

like you say, it's different strokes for different folks. but I think if you have all the info you can do your best with it.
I chose to have a homebirth with ds2 and that was partly based on a desire to increase my chances of breastfeeding. it seems to have worked, though that is obviously only anecdotal

micegg I had a similar experience post birth with my DS. He just wouldn't latch on & the hospital made it worse tbh so by the time we came home 5 days later we was literally afriad of my boobs & refused to have anything to do with them. I expressed for 6ish weeks & got him back on with the aid of a local LLL leader. I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't still be breastfeeding DS now if it wasn't for the help/support that & other leaders & the mums who attended the LLL meetings gave me. I know I was lucky to have found them at all...had never heard of them until my NCT antental teacher mentioned them (she had just qualified as an LLL leader when our class started). Both me & my leader friend have remarked on occasion that out of the 5 of us who did the NCT class only the 2 of us who went to the LLL meetings were carried on bfing after a few weeks...me 3.5 yrs on & the other the same but tandem feeding with her second child . If you do nothing else I HIGHLY recommend finding yourself a good local bfing group, run by a qualified BFC or lactation consultant. All groups should welcome pg mums with open arms & will be only too happy to help you & if you have any problems you will have all the phone numbers & contacts you need to get through it. Where abouts in the country are you? Maybe we can help you find a local group?