DH is buying formula today; on the verge of giving up

[Sufi]

I posted last wk with problems with DS. He's now 14wks and is ex. bf. He slept 11pm-ish to 4/5am from about 6 wks. The past 3 wks he's been getting much worse. Last night he woke up 7 times for feeding.

I really need some advice as I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.

It can't be a growth spurt as it's been going on so long. It's not consistent, either - we might have a couple of good nights and then back to square one.

I've tried getting him to sleep during the day but yesterday he refused. I spent three hours walking him in his pushchair (at different times of the day) and he slept for about 20 mins tops. I tried bouncing him gently, music, his bouncer chair - everything. He refused to sleep.

He cluster fed as usual, went to sleep at 10.30pm and was up from 1am.

I feel like a stupid first time mum. I've been feeding on demand, co-sleeping (even tho it means i can't sleep properly), bought a sling when he was tiny and 'wore' him everywhere. I never put him down, gave him cuddles whenever he needed them, let him find his own routine. I put everything on hold and focused entirely on him as I thought that's what he needed.

But instead I have a demanding, cranky baby who won't sleep during the day and won't, apparently, sleep at night either.

He still feeds every 2 hours during the day and I can't extend the times to make it longer. so i don't get to catch up on any sleep.

i used to really enjoy being a mum and being with him but now i don't. i don't know why he's changed or what the matter is. i don't get a minute to eat, sleep, drink, get dressed and all my DH can suggest is we stop bf and stick him on formula- because then at least we can take it in turns at night. i do express but it's only ever enough for one small feed.

have i been stupid? should i have got him in a routine because at least he wpuld be giving me some rest by now? all i see are sleeping through the night, sleeping in the day, happy and content ff babies.

Ok Sufi.

Dont beat yourself up about the decisions you have made thus far. I can assure you that other babies are not dream babies.

First things first - it is not too late at all to try and start implementing a routine, not at all. I found the Baby whisperer superb - not only in terms of the EASY routine but it helped me to read DS's cues for tiredness, over stimulation, wind, boredom etc.

Second of all - aside from the someone else taking over some feeds, switching to formula is unlikely to help solve some of these problems. Is your DC in any digestive discomfort? Is that why he wakes so much? If so - introduction of formula could make the problems worse, not better.

Thirdly - introduce formula by all means and if that will make things better, then DO IT. Dont feel guilty about it or beat yourself up. But do be aware that if you start to mix feed - it could impact your longer term ability to continue to bfeed as your supply may drop. I intro'd ff as am weaning DS (22 weeks) off breast onto formula and there was instantly a difference in my supply.
If you are ok with this potential risk and you wont regret intro'ing the formula, then go ahead.

Finally - and i know this isnt for everyone, but I know some people who paid for a sleep counsellor/ maternity nurse to come in for a week and they helped to sort babies who had day/ night reversed and also helped get them into routines.

I remember the tiredness, I hit the wall you hit when DS was 9 weeks old and I persevered with the help of fabulous mnetters! You have done a great job, this will pass and your DC will get better.

When I started writing this, no one had yet responded - I had to take a break to feed dd [irony emoticon] so apologies if what I say is a repeat of other posts!

Poor you...I remember it being like this. I seem to remember the 3 month mark being the point where cumulative exhaustion really took hold. It's even harder when all around you every other baby is sleeping through.

Some babies do like to feed often, mine did. Feed times did space out more over time, and decreased in length so that it was easier to deal with. You may have to relax your standards of 'getting things done'. Remember too that you aren't doing anything 'wrong', you sound like a very caring mum.

In terms of getting him to sleep in the day, maybe just put him down when he is tired eg eye rubbing and then leave him to it. Obviously pick him up if he gets distressed, but some babies can get overstimulated by jiggling and handling, mine did. Soothing her wound her up even more, she liked to be left alone to have a whinge and then fall asleep. It took a lot of time and misery on both our parts till I figured that out!

please be aware that formula is not a 'magic bullet' in terms of settling a baby or getting them to sleep longer. I know many ffing mums whose babies were up in the night for frequent feeds at 14 weeks. It may be the same for your lo, and then you'd have the added faff of making up bottles.

What I found helpful when my dd was waking up a lot was going to bed early i.e 8 pm (depressing but hey) and for my dh to see to dd for the first 4 hours or so so I could get a sleep while he tried settling her by other means.

It does get easier. We went through a rough patch with dd at about the same age and we have made it through.
hth

You have done so well to bf for 14 weeks you can do this don't give up. feeding every 2 hours was the same for me at 14 wks but it will improve. Hopefully some of the bfc on here will help you more. You are not alone bf is hard work but does get easier.

If he's not settling because he's hungry, then formula may help. If he's just a wakeful baby it won't.

I had this and it was helped by supplementing with formula. In my DD's case I'm pretty sure she was hungry. I would offer unlimited formula after a bf. In the mornings she didn't take any, by lunchtime she would want a few oz, and by evening she took practically the whole bottle. Her feeds became more regular, and she would nap in the day for much longer periods of time.

As other people on here will tell you, introducing formula is a big decision, and you should have a good think before doing it, taking things like weight gain into account. However, I don't think it affected my supply. I think in spite of every effort I'd hit a brick wall in terms of amount I could produce, but I was able to maintain that level for another 8 months.

Tempting though it is, I think you need to be realistic that formula may not magically solve the problems. If it does n't might you feel more disheartened by having moved from bfeeding ? Make a conscious choice not by default. Not all babies do routine , I only got dd (my 2nd dc ) into anything discernible at 6 months. Could you be tryign too hard and inadvertently overstimulated him and him becoming overtired ? Sometimes I just had ot put dd down and leave her for a bit to settle.

Can you give yourself a break. Go to a gym class or for a swim and either leave him with dh or in a creche ? The odd hour apart won't hurt. Go for walks, just getting out and seeing other people is good especially in htis eeatehr , and he may sleep for a bit. Take a book or magazine in case you find a bench while he naps.

Just wanted to add some sympathy and a bump

sufi - it is really really common for 14 week olds NOT to be sleeping through. Apparently some parents lie about sleep - due to insecurity/competitiveness so even if you are being told they are sleeping beautifully, take it with a pinch of salt. don't criticise yourself or blame what you have done so far - 3 months old are often PITAs for sleeping. I agree that formula may not make a difference to the sleep and may make things harder for you.

Hi Sufi, it sounds like you're all doing really well.

As dal puts it, I hit the wall at about 12 weeks with ds (also bf.) He still fed every 2 hours in the day, every 3 hours in the night, didn't nap in the day and was a bit of a nightmare to get off to sleep at night.

I remember at this time that I had just had enough, I felt like I constantly had this little baby attached to me and that all I needed was a few hours in the early evening to myself so I could eat my tea and have a bath in peace!

I knew I had to do something, so over the course of a few weeks I introduced a formula dreamfeed at 10.30 pm which dp done. This meant I could sleep from 9-1 without any interuptions, and he quickly started dropping his night feeds.

I also tackled daytime naps. It took a few weeks, but it worked. DS would have 3 naps a day and I would have time to catch up on things.

Then at 14 weeks he started to sleep through. I can't tell you why. It could be the daytime naps were helping, But it could also be that he was just ready to do it. Who knows??!!

Hang on in there, it will get better xx

Callum is 20 weeks now (14 weeks adjusted) and has just go through the 2 hourly feeds as well. He did stop a few days ago, but it tiring and nearly pushed me to give up too.

I know some BF people don't like them, but have you tried a dummy?

That is so true chibi about the soothing winding them up it took us ages to figure that out too we used to pace round the house with her rocking etc and all she wanted was to be put down in her cot took us 3 months to work that one out!

something someone else told me when I felt at a low point and overwhelmed with bf - ask yourself what needs to happen for to help bf to work/what would make it easier. For example for me it was things like having my dh take over when he got home so that I had some 'alone time', having dh try to settle her sometimes in the night. If there are things that would make it easier for you to continue bf (assuming this is what you want!) figure out what these things are and then ask for help!

Sufi- I believe you really are doing everything he needs. My DS is just the same age as yours and it sounds like we have been doing things in a similar way. I just don't see how all the things you describe can be 'stupid'- you have been responding to your baby in a loving and sensitive way.
I don't have much advice to give as I'm in the same place as you- with perhaps slightly fewer night wakings. I have a copy of "The no-cry sleep solution" and will be starting to use some of the suggestions when I'm in the right place, mentally, and he's a few weeks older.
At the moment I am trying not to stress too much about the sleeping. I kept finding myself trying to make him sleep when he just wasn't ready-leading to tears of frustration (from me). Also I have found the pram less helpful for getting him to sleep lately, I think it was just too distracting and over stimulating. The wrap sling still works though, and is easier on the back than pushing a pram.
With regards to the feeding, obviously if you have already decided to switch that's fine. But you sound as if you would like to carry on bf but things are just too knackering at the moment. Hopefully some of the wise bf experts will be along with proper advice. My only thought is that if your DS is a more 'high-need' baby then by stopping bf you are losing one of the easier ways to calm and settle a cranky baby.
And try to ignore all the other babies who seem so much 'easier'. They are not your baby, and what works for their mums may not be the right thing for you and your family.
Sorry, this is turning into a long and pointless ramble. What I'm trying to say is, you are not alone, you're not doing things wrong(IMO) and you don't have to stop breastfeeding if you don't want to-I'm sure things will get better. I have to believe that for both our sakes

thanks everyone - really needed to let off some steam this morning as I spent most of the night in tears! I'm going to get a copy of the no-cry sleep solution and yes, maybe I should leave him for a few mins sometimes to see if he will settle - I just hate hearing him cry (don't we all), but maybe it's not always for the best to pick him up straight away.

I really do want to carry on bf. DH is being sweet, really, as he can see I'm at breaking point and wants to help.

And I know DS is a high need baby - he's very active and wonderfully alert. I can cope with that - in fact, I feel lucky because I get so much back from him when he's in a good mood and we go out to different places all the time, which he loves. I just need some sleep so I can give him my best - I do so love him and think he's the best baby ever.

This week I made the mistake of going to a highly competitive, as it turned out, mother and baby group. So made me feel like my boy wasn't the best thing ever. When, in fact, he is

sorry for rambling and moaning. I know it will get better. I'm just hoping it does before I lose the plot entirely! Will try another night without ff...

I know I'm echoing a lot of the other posters, but IMO you can't have too many people telling you you're not doing anything wrong or stupid . My ds is 17wo now, and it's hard! I agree that stopping the bf now might not be the solution you're after, and if ff doesn't do the trick it would be hard (though not, I understand, impossible) to go back to bf. I can also second - or third or fourth! - the suggestion of leaving him to settle by himself; I spent so much time pushing ds backwards and forwards in the pram in the hallway before I figured out that if I just left him there he'd fall asleep in minutes. I can't help thinking that the daytime naps are the key to this... And could your dh get up to try to settle him without feeding in the night; if it's you, he might want bf just because you're there IYSWIM?

Oops, just seen your new post, Sufi. Ignore the competitive mums - I have heard some very dubious descriptions of "sleeping through" TBH. But I do hope you get some sleep soon

Your comment on highly competitive mother and baby group made me laugh. I go to a breastfeeding support group every week which is the complete opposite no ones babies sleep through and everyone is really open there is usually one mum nearly in tears and we all support eachother. Is there a group like this near you?

oh sufi it sounds such hard work. hoepfully very soon feeds will start to speed up so you will be spending less time actually bf, even if the frequency is still a bit much. yes agree with everyone, ignore what other people's babies are doing (or their representation of it).

can you feed lying down? so useful when co-sleeping you can just doze off. also try taking to the sofa and feeding all evening.

If you go for formula don't feel guilty at all, you have done brilliantly to keep going so long so don't beat yourself up. Hope you both get some sleep soon