Breastfeeding Struggles

[BirbCat]

Hi mumsnet, looking for some gentle advice, or maybe just a handhold, I guess.

Had my first baby 6 days ago, and feeding him is absolutely kicking my butt emotionally/mentally.

Breastfeeding has hurt from the beginning, even with the help of the lovely midwives. Baby latches and then fusses/comes off, cries in frustration or falls asleep, and even when it's a good latch, it still hurts me SO much when he suckles. The other night I ended up sobbing after feeding him on/off for two hours and it hurting the whole time.

A midwife finally noticed he might be tongue tied and has referred us on, which would explain everything.

I'm just really struggling to keep going in the meantime. A few times we have given him formula just so he can feed and we can all sleep, and to give me a break from the pain. I'm now trying to hand express and have a pump on the way, so I can feed him breastmilk somehow. But I worry constantly about nipple/bottle confusion etc - he already struggles more with my nipples after having some bottles.

If he is tongue tied and it gets snipped and his latch improves, do you think it's possible to reintroduce more breastfeeds? Even if I can't, he'll still benefit from expressed milk more than formula? I feel like I'm ruining all my breastfeeding chances by introducing bottles so early, but it's so hard and painful without them.

Sorry for rambling, would love some gentle thoughts, or any experiences with tongue tie and breastfeeding!

It doesn't always get easier. See my earlier post. I tried and tried and it nearly broke me and I still never got to exclusive breastfeeding

Although breastfeeding is “best” you matter. You matter a lot. You may find the pain stops and go back to exclusively breastfeeding again. Same even if you don’t - you’ve tried so hard. Be proud of yourself. All the best <3

@BirbCat my DD had her tongue tie snipped at 6wks and I really struggled as it felt like her latch took a huge step backwards and my nipples were so sore. I honestly came close to giving up, but I pushed through under the adage of never giving up on a bad day and now 3wks on we’ve really turned a corner and her latch is the best it’s ever been so please don’t lose heart that it hasn’t been an immediate fix. It’s not perfect and we still have niggly moments but it’s so much better than it was.

Whatever direction your feeding journey takes next, you should be so proud of how far you’ve come xx

Please don't feel pressure. I have three children, two of whom I breastfed for about a year very successfully, but one I really struggled with and actually she never latched properly, even after TT snip and lots of help with lactation consultants etc. I expressed for 4 months and it was the worst time of my life! I wish I had switched to formula quicker.

I enjoyed BF my other children, and am very much a breast feeding supporter. However, 15 years on, I think for those of us who want to BF, we do put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves and sometimes we need to be kinder and realise when it's time to switch and have another focus without feeling guilty.

Hi @BirbCat - I am in a very similar boat to where you were three months ago and I’ve found reading this thread cathartic. Thanks for sharing your updates. I really hope you found a sustainable solution for your family in the end and are now getting more time to enjoy your baby.

I’m painfully aware of the time cost of trying to make BF work and also that it may not always work out (as offered for DC1, who I mostly expressed and FF after 4 months of agony trying to make EBF work). Yet, 10 days after our TT snip for DC2 and things still being very rocky, I’m persevering a little while longer to see if we might be able to have some form of a BF relationship.

Just to update, i combi fed DD until she refused the breast at 18 weeks.
She's just turned 8 months and I was seen in breast clinic 2 weeks ago for constant pain in the right breast and nipple sensitivity. They said it's deep tissue and nerve trauma from breastfeeding and it needs time to settle down. It could take months. Honestly it wasn't worth persevering for that long.

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone - my update is that we're now mainly ff, and we're all very happy! I was doing at least one breastfeed a day for a while as well, but that seems to be naturally tailing off now.

In another life, with different circumstances (not having the time pressure of going back to work early, for one 😅), I'd still have loved to make bf work for us, and would try again if I had another. But as it is this is our journey and baby and I are both happy and healthy! (he's an absolute delight <3)

@Worrysaurus Sorry to hear you're facing similar struggles, it's so hard isn't it! I'm glad you found this cathartic - even with the options of support out there it still feels lonely sometimes! I hope things ease up for you soon, and you find a way forward you're happy with!

@fairgame84 Gosh, that sounds horrid, I hope you're not in too much pain! :( It really shows how hard it can be on our bodies, everyone's situations and bodies are so different! I hope you heal up well x

Glad you're happy. But for anyone else reading this getting breastfeeding support after tongue tie clinic is just as important in order to keep going. It can take weeks for baby and mum to learn new latch so having realistic expectations is important. Many babies just aren't given long enough to learn and normal baby behaviour is misinterpreted by inexperienced and poorly supported mums.

Yes, definitely this.
There's a critical period for supporting breastfeeding and it needs to be recognised and acted upon by professionals. Unfortunately there is a concern that intensive support may be pressuring mothers to feed when they don't really want to and that leads to a lack of urgency.

OP aside, (so glad you're happy and baby is doing well, OP) there are also reluctant mums who feel the need to say they are doing the right things, when they just aren't that committed to it and that does clog up the system of support.

@fairgame84 - I’m so sorry you went through such a difficult experience and it is still causing you pain. Thanks for sharing your story.

@BirbCat glad you’ve found a solution that works for your family and you’re all happy and well. Again, thanks for sharing! I felt a lot of guilt and grief when my bf journey with my first didn’t pan out as hoped for and hearing from others who made it through the transition really helped me.

A kind friend helped with my latch today and things seem to have improved. Fingers crossed we can keep going.

@Flittingaboutagain @Redebs

I completely agree on the need for more support. I’ve been crying out for support with my positioning and attachment and yet the qualified NHS support is limited to a weekly hour long clinic and I’ve paid plenty now for private IBCLC support this time, but there is still a lack of urgency in the availability of support when issues arise.

However, I am a second time mum, with the experience of a baby who was failure to thrive, because I was so desperate to EBF, that I refused to supplement for four months despite faltering growth. I had more than one BF supporter tell me that her behaviours were “normal” baby behaviours for a long time before my concerns were recognised. I also expressed for 17 months, despite hormonal issues and a missed TT contributing to low supply and am spending all hours of my day trying to triple feed my 4 week old, so am more than committed.

While I’m very pro-bf, we need to be more compassionate in acknowledging that in the absence of adequate support, a mum questioning the sustainability of her situation or how much longer before things get better isn’t simply “uncommitted” or not trying hard enough.

Thanks everyone for the comments - I'm not trying to model the ideal or normal outcome by any means, and absolutely agree that time-sensitive BF support is crucial, including post TT division.

I'll admit there was more support available to me if I'd reached out for it, and maybe I could've made it work if I'd had the right support at the right time. But I'm not sure that what was available would be right for everyone - mainly I was directed to BF groups, and while I'm absolutely sure they are v helpful, not everyone can easily get to a group, especially with a tiny baby! (That kind of long term support also isn't of much help when it's the middle of the night and you're crying because you've been in agony feeding for two hours and baby is still hungry and crying... but I'm also not sure what could be offered to help with that!)

@Worrysaurus I'm so glad to hear things are improving for you! I hope it continues for you, how lovely to have a friend who was able to help! <3
I also felt a lot of grief and guilt, and sometimes still do, and I do agree about the compassion needed while talking about BF - perhaps it's me being sensitive on the issue, but I'm wary that sometimes it can start to sound like a moral judgement, which is the last thing a new mum needs.

It's hard isn't it, there's such a balance to strike between support and pressure, and every mum/baby and situation is different!