Stopping breastfeeding a very stubborn toddler - HELP PLEASE!

[WoolyMammoth55]

5 years ago I wasn't able to BF my first DS due to TT and failure to thrive and a whole load of NG-tube lactation-consultant drama - I pumped a sad 3 oz of breast milk for him every day for 6 months because I felt so guilty that I was letting him down. The whole situation was very sad and stressful.

So when DS2 came along and also had low weight-gain I decided to just try to take each day as it came, combi-fed formula top-ups but kept on and on offering the boob. Amazingly it worked and although he's always been combi-fed, alongside the formula we have had a wonderful extended BFing journey which I will always be grateful for.

However! He was 2 years old in Jan and I'm DONE!! We are co-sleeping for ease of night feeds and I haven't had a night away from him this whole time. He will always wake at least twice in the night demanding boob, usually between midnight and 1am and again between 3-4am. Then he's up for the day from 5:30am and I'm exhausted! I'm also having regular, heavy periods again, and feel literally DRAINED.

My toddler is really strong and likes to tweak and pinch (and scratch) the nipple of the boob that he's not suckling. If I withhold access to the other boob he throws a mega tantrum and he has kicked me hard in the face several times now, including once leading to an insane nose bleed and semi-black eye.

Don't get me wrong, he's crazy-cute and I love him! :) but he is SUPER strong-willed and physical. He's not yet massively verbal so I think he's experiencing lots of frustration around that and it makes him pretty wild. We have been trying to day-wean with my supportive DH and LO will scream and scream in real distress when refused boob, which is awful to watch.

With my older child in school and DH and I working (I'm part-time WFH), I keep caving to his demands when he throws these massive tantrums, especially in the middle of the night just purely to stop the whole family being woken up. So every time I try to offer a bottle of formula instead of the boob, he just throws a huge tantrum, and then he gets his way. I just feel so stuck and SO TIRED and totally lost on how to break this cycle.

Can anyone advise on how to do this, or even where to find a useful guide? I feel like perhaps I could aim for the Easter holidays as then at least if he wakes the whole family up, we've got the chance for a lie-in afterwards! I think I would ideally like to move him to his own bed as well, but not sure if this would be too much change/too destabilising for him?

I would really appreciate any advice on how to approach all this, because I feel like I'm at my wits end.

The key here is "throws a huge tantrum and gets his way"

Don't give in 🤷🏼‍♀️ it's only a tantrum. It will not stop if you keep doing this.

However

Be clear with yourself. Are you done? Really? There will be a lot of emotion wrapped up in this especially as you couldn't bf your first. Is he your last baby?

If you're not done then don't even try. It's just stressful and horrible for you all. If you're done. You must be kind but firm, even if it takes a few nights of no sleep and tantrums

Just stop… say no and don’t give in! It’s so hard but your toddler is controlling you by throwing tantrums. That sounds harsh I know it’s difficult but if you are indeed finished you need to be strong xx

Move him to his own bed and sleep there with him until he's settled.

Then once he's happy to be there, settle him and then move to your bed. He won't smell the milk all night then and maybe won't wake for it?

Does he have naps in the day away from you? Does he settle ok for other people? If so, could DH try putting him to bed?

Dr Jay Gordon night weaning method, but there will be some noise...

My daughter is 2 this month and I could have written this! I also have five other children and no partner so I'm permanently shattered 🤣 no answers for you, just solidarity xx

I keep caving to his demands when he throws these massive tantrums,

You are causing the problem here, you need to be a lot stricter on yourself OP because allowing this isn’t good parenting. He’s also too old for bottles of formula, he doesn’t need bottles at all. You need to be strict on yourself and accept it will be hard and take a little time, but it’s actually what’s best for him as well as you so it’s not mean to not give in to tantrums.

I feel for you. It is tough.

Can you start a reward chart for the toddler sleeping in their own bed? Loads of praise for being more grown up not needing milk like babies do.
or
Could you go and visit a friend or family for the weekend to break the pattern?

When mine bit me I would say "no" and return them to their room so they learnt to be nice.

Good luck

Many thanks all! This is a good pep talk :) I'm off to bed in a mo but will keep checking tomorrow - here's the nitty gritty info that I left out about the current "routine":

Me and LO are currently in a double bed in the spare room; I'd like to rejoin DH in our room ideally! I can either make it 'LO's room' by putting the big mattress on the floor (so he won't hurt himself getting in/out) OR take that bed away and put his toddler bed in there. What's better? Definitely easier for me to co-sleep/settle him with cuddles on the double mattress! Plus some nice cuddly toys?

He gets up at 5:30am usually and I have typically offered boob/bottle then. But he's more interested in going downstairs to play so this is mostly to buy me a moment more in bed - could easily drop this one.

He is a picky eater and will nibble meals but rarely eats loads.

He goes down for his nap at 10am roughly and often sleeps 2 hours. I BF him to sleep for the nap, and often give him a pre-nap bottle too, to fill him up.

Then in the afternoon he does 3 hours out at either CM or nursery, he is well settled now with both and enjoys them.

When he gets back home he always wants a boob-y cuddle with me on the sofa.

He often has a small picky dinner. Then we do bedtime routine with both kids around 6:45/7pm - bath and then story. Then DH settles our 5 yo to sleep and I BF LO to sleep with bottle top-ups.

Then, as above, he wakes at least twice in the night for more boob.

So thing I have to change:
Stop BFing, day and night
Stop bottle formula feeds, day and night
Try to get him to sleep through the night
Try to stop co-sleeping!

It's all pretty overwhelming! Can anyone else advise on what would be the best order to approach all this change? I will look up Dr Jay Gordon in the morning, thanks for that.

Thanks again, everyone who has taken time to answer. Even just writing it out is actually helpful - for ages this sincerely felt like "easy 2nd-child baby-led life" - until suddenly it's not working at all and I feel totally BROKEN. x

I'm in the exact situation you described. It's been a while since you posted, please tell me there is hope? What happened in the end? X