Extended breastfeeding - please help me with my dh, he wants me to stop and said if I'm still BF when the baby is 2 then he's leaving

[JodieG1]

Ok so probably didn't mean that he would actually leave but I feel very pressured right now to stop bf. Ds2 is only 12 months and dh says he isn't a baby anymore, of course he is and I said so.

I'm sick of him constantly going on about it and he is trying to bully me into stopping. He doesn't think he is though but says it's disgusting and that I should stop. He even asked how long I intended to feed him for to whcih I replied I didn't have a set age in mind.

Both ds2 and I are very happy with bf and the way it is going and even though he wakes 4-5 times a night to feed still I am enjoying it more than not.

I've just started training to be a bf counsellor so I know all the benefits of extended bf and have told dh but he doesn't care and says he would rather get up and give him a bottle. I said he must have issues and that it's his problem but he says he doesn't have any issues at all. Where could this feeling he has of it being disgusting come from?

Luckily my parents are very supportive and are here a lot and never make comments to me, I can sense mil thinks I am doing it for too long now and she keeps saying I'll have to put my foot down about the night wakings soon, not quite sure what she expects me to do about them though.

Sorry for long post but I'm so fed up with it and need some advice.

i can kind of see his point if you're sleeping in separate rooms, i would hate that. i think you need to talk about that more, iykwim? what would it take to get you back in the same bed? sounds like his snoring has to be addressed, definitely, and then maybe work on settling ds2 for longer at night? i didn't manage to bf exclusively so i'm not good for advice on that score, but i do think that at the end of the day you both should be aiming to make each other happy, so there may be concessions to make on both sides.
but saying it's disgusting etc, well, that's a bit kiddie, to say the least.

Jodie, I think there are several issues here.

His snoring - that needs addressing first.

Sleeping in the same bed as DH - nice for late-night cosy chats as well as sex.

Co-sleeping - not essential for bf to continue, but nice to do.

Whether there are bigger issues with you wanting more children/resenting him having the snip - I'm being out of line suggesting it probably, but worth a look to see if this could be the case - I'm sorry if I've upset you.

Your DH's inability to express how he feels about bf and upsetting you (understandably) by calling it disgusting.

It sounds like you need a good long chat about the fundamentals of how you parent and the differences in your approach.

Hmm tricky. Essentially I'm on your side (ds still bf at 18 months, dh a bit uneasy but mostly supportive) but I do think that this is a parenting decision and should be taken by both parents. Difficult to do that of course if his only contribution to the matter is "it's disgusting"! How does he feel about the waking 4/5 times a night and co-sleeping? How do you feel about it? If it's what you really want to do, fair enough, but if not maybe you could come to some agreement where you try to tackle the night waking, get back in the same bed, and carry on bf. My dh was worried that I was too tied to ds, like canofworms, so now I do just the morning feed so someone else is able to put him to bed. But it was a compromise which we reached together.

Incidently if it was my dh I wouldn't take his not going to the doctor as a sign he didn't care about being in the same bed - he is terrible, terrible at going to the doctor, like most men I think, and would probably have to have a leg hanging off. Even then he'd probably try and stitch it back on himself.

"You have to think what is more important to you, your marriage or feeding for longer"

I can entirely see what Fio means here, but there is more to it than "feeding for longer" isn't it? The real issue IMO is - him expecting you to do what you say without any negotiation or even explanation of why he feels this way. Him expecting his needs and preferences to come before yours and your children's. If he felt strongly about the bed thing, or being woken up, or you being tired, or anything like that I could see his point a bit more, but just to insist baldly that you stop or he leaves, because he finds it disgusting in some way that he is not prepared to discuss, is pretty crap behaviour.

I've never had an issue with someone else doing bedtime with an older baby though - they understand that "Mummy there = bf, Mummy not there = no bf, but maybe more stories/cup of milk/whatever".

I realise this depends very much on the child, but mine are very different, personality-wise, and fine with it.

Aitch - Yes I do think we need to talk more, it's difficult with him though as he finds it hard to discuss anything without it turning into an arguement. If it's not going his way then he doesn't like it and things like this happen where he says something and then tells me to do what I want.

Hunker - I think you're right and not out of line at all. I did agree to him having the snip but ds2 was only 3 weeks old at the time and I agreed because I knew he didn't want anymore. Deep down I would love another but I know he doesn't so accept that, doesn't make it easier though and knowing this is my last child I want everything to be just right iyswim? I don't think he realises how important this is to me even though I've told him.

He just said it's disgusting now he's not a baby and couldn't expand on that in fact when I asked him he said because it is.

Liege - He would like ds2 to sleep through as would I but I don't want to cause ds2 any upset in doing so, I just assume he will sleep longer at some point. It annoys me that he hasn't gone to the dr yet because it doesn't bother him it's just that he forgets, or says he does. Everytime I ask him to do anything he forgets, it's always the same excuse and I'm tired of it. He asks me to remind him and although I do I don't want to because I'm not his PA, after reminding him 7 times and he still doesn't why should I bother? I don't know I just find it difficult.

Franny - I agree with you on that. I do see his point of view about sleeping together and I look forward to when we do again but they are babies but such a short time that I want to make the most of it. I'm always willing to discuss things with him but he just wants me to agree with him and says well I'll do what I want anyway so why bother. I find he has a real problem with communicating his feeling and emotions, so much so that I wonder if he has any sometimes.

Hunker - ds2 is fine with my mum when I'm not here at bedtime or with dh too on the couple of times I haven't been here for his bedtimes. Never tried all through the night so I'm not sure how he'd cope with that.

Try to strike compromise with him, maybe that he is just feeling left out or just wants you back at night. Ask him if he will sort out his snoring and you will work on stopping the feeding 4 or 5 times a night. At 12mths, if he's eating a good diet shouldn't really need a feed in the night and is maybe just comfort.

Jodie, can you try and settle DS2 without BF in the night? Maybe then DH would be willing to compromise and if you just fed DS2 at bedtime and mornings?
I have just bought 'The No-Cry sleep solution' by Elizabeth Pantley. She has lots of good advice for gradually stopping nursing and introducing a cuddly toy/ blankie as a way of self-settling. I have just started this with DS (8.5 mths) and he is starting to fall asleep without having to be nursed!

Are you and him ok in other respects? Is it just the bfeeding you're falling out over?

"Everytime I ask him to do anything he forgets, it's always the same excuse and I'm tired of it." I'd be tempted to forget to stop breastfeeding...

Bitcat - I'll try and talk with him about it.

ginger - someone from my post natal group on here has loaned me that book and I've read some of it, seems good so far so will try some of those ideas.

2happy - I'd say most of the time yes, I feel quite tired a lot so am irritable and periods have just returned erratically so I'm still really hormonal. We do love each other it's just ds2 is making us all tired and moody! Things look different to me on different days iyswim.

Hana - I doubt he would, he never really talks about his feelings at all, even when asked. Everything is "ok" or "fine" and nothing seems to go past that.

Habbibu - lol.

Well on the one hand that's good, Jodie. I wondered, because you'd been a bit down recently, if it was that there was more to it.

On the other hand, it's less goos - it means he really does have exceptionally strong feelings about this. Why? I know there are a lot of men who don't quite get it, or are a little less than supportive, or just plain purile (bitty ), but this goes beyond all that. How frustrating for you that he won't elaborate on why he feels this way.

good

Men are very strange creatures one rarely knows whats going through their heads at all!!!