How is it possible to still be this bad at breastfeeding after 7 years

[Brandybucks]

Breastfeeding for me has always been a total shambles. Here is a short history:

Ds1: couldn’t latch at all due to a very obvious tongue tie. NHS had no one to cut it until day 17, which is a jolly long time when your newborn needs to feed every 2-3hours day and night. Cue me pumping round the clock and becoming so delirious with exhaustion that I would wake up and think my baby was halfway up the wall. Ended up mix feeding him with formula and as much expressed milk as I could produce.

DS2: was able to latch but pain was excruciating. Tried everything to improve latch. Watched videos, visited specialists, had his (late diagnosis) tongue tie cut but none of it made much difference.

DS3: pain even worse than DS2. By this point I had booked to have his inevitable tongue tie cut before he was even born and it was cut on day 5. Minimal difference. Still agony. Mixed fed and bumbled along but bfing never ever felt comfortable or easy.

DS4 was born 3 days ago, and I find myself back in the same merry hell. WHY can’t I latch any of my children successfully? Why is it so painful? I must have read every tip or piece of advice out there and tried every bit of jiggery pokery to get them attached without pain and nothing works. Is it possible I just have wrong shaped nipples or something? Other mums just seem to stick them on and don’t even wince.

You may wonder why I don’t just give formula from the start…the answer is I have no idea. I suppose I read the benefits of breastfeeding like less ear infections/good gut health etc and want to give those benefits if I can, but I’m lying here waiting for him to start rooting and just baffled as to how it can still be so impossible for me after this many attempts!! I think I just feel like the option to exclusively breastfeed isn’t on the table for me and that makes me frustrated.

Has anyone dealt with similar?

Tongue tie can run in families...poor you! Have you tried nipple shields? A good lactation consultant/LLL might be able to help.

All I can possibly say to you is hats off for still trying at DC4. I have unsuccessfully BF twice and I am not fucking trying it again. Tears, excruciating pain and just like you, tongue ties which I was just expected to get on with for 3 weeks while my nipples bled and my hungry baby screamed. No thank you. Each time I’ve cried buckets feeling like I’ve let my baby down while my husband sat absolutely helpless waiting for me to crack and send him out for formula. And do you know what? I look at my abundantly healthy, lovely, gorgeous children who were both FF from about a week old, and I think; why the fuck did I torture myself so badly??

Because it really truly doesn’t matter. You’re doing great either way and I’m nothing but impressed and amazed by mums who BF but god, don’t make yourself miserable on it. Choose whatever option gets a fed, happy baby and the most sleep for you.

Nope not had similar. Well first baby was a faff as he had jaundice and was too tired to feed so we started initially with formula then onto breastmilk via expressing and then eventually onto breastfeeding alone. We managed 18 months in the end.

Ds latched on himself within 5oms of being born. Me and DH couldn't believe how different that experience was.

With ds1 I was adamant he would BF. After the 18m I realised he still got a tonne of illnesses and I'm not sure it was worth all the angst. I screamed and screamed into a pillow once when I accidentally knocked a bottle of my expressed milk on the floor and it spilled. We laugh now but honestly I was a MESS putting all this pressure to BF.

If it's causing a hassle op, I would definitely switch to formula.

As a side note, have you tried feeding on your side - laying on a bed?

Because it's bloody hard that's why. Hats off to you that you are persisting. Can't offer much advice, my own attempts were shambolic. Two children with very little interest in making an effort to be fed.

If you are really determined that you want to bf, then I’d look into a lactation consultant (la leche league?).

Otherwise i’d try and bear it for four more days so he’s got the colostrum and first milk, move to formula and repeat the mantra “a happy mum is the best thing I can give baby” & “a fed baby is a happy baby”. Move on and not bat an eyelid.

Oh, and if anyone (dares to!) ask, repeat the mantra again and again.

Breastfeeding is definitely easier for some. I didn’t have a hope of exclusive feeding because I have insufficient glandular tissue. There can definitely be physical barriers to bf. I’m very sceptical about the benefits. I think they’re grossly exaggerated. Sure someone will be along in a minute to argue with that but there we go.

None of mine opened their mouths quite wide enough. They had quite rapid deliveries which may have been a factor.

Cranial osteopath helped with mine, took DC3 & 4 at a few days old.

Am now successfully feeding DD2, while previously not having enough for DD1.

By the start of day 3 my milk still had to come in. Latching was painful for the first couple of minutes after which pain eased and my nipples were bleeding for 8 days.

• have you tried hydrogel packs? Specifically made for breastfeeding, eg Medela.
• check not only for tongue tie but also for lip band (lip tie).
• your baby may still be clustering to up your productivity. This drove me almost crazy... lack of sleep, 'is my baby getting enough?' And then all of a sudden my milk came in...
• you are probably doing this already, but drink something after every feed and eat enough!

With this experience I wouldn't give up yet, but I believe fed is absolutely best!

Thank you so much for your responses, it’s nice feeling less alone in the struggle! I went to feed him again and his initial latch was so excruciating that I handed him to my husband and went and made a little bottle of formula which he has now had. I will work out some combination of formula/expressed milk/breastfeeding once my nipples have healed up a bit but I think my tolerance of this after 4 babies is just shot to pieces. I can’t stand it being this agonising anymore. Thank you for being so supportive, it really has caused such frustration and anxiety over the years that to just rant and be listened to has helped me so much tonight.

I was adamant I was going to breastfeed DS. It was the best thing for him etc. I was heartbroken when it didn't work out. But I did some reading around the subject and eased my (immense) guilt. Now at almost 3 he's absolutely grand.

Both you and baby have to figure this out and sometimes that just doesn't happen.

in my experience, breastfeeding can be excruciatingly painful when a newborn first latches, but it lasted a few seconds and then went and the rest of the feed was pain-free. After a few days, it didn’t hurt any more. No idea why this was. For me, this toecurling pain was different from the kind of sore nipples you would get from an incorrect latch. For me it was worth powering on through it, as a few days later it was all over.

Breastfed 3 DCs but not an expert, and I wait to stand corrected.

I found it really different to get DC1 to latch after a difficult labour/EMCS. An NCT breastfeeding counsellor came to the house and gave me one-to-one support, advice on best latch and positioning, etc. I never could have carried on without that. OP, is there anyone like that who does specialist breastfeeding support who could see you in person and check your latch, etc?

FORMULA FGS!! Or, if you’re really committed (insane) to breast milk, get an Elvie or Willow double pump. Totally game changer. But seriously, the evidence is really mixed on how significant any benefits of breastfeeding really are, check out Cribsheet by Emily Oster. Like you kid might get 1 less cold in their first year = a 15% reduction on colds that gets quoted or whatever, but seriously, is it worth it? Bearing in mind things like recommendations from the WHO are for a global population, many of whom may not have access to clean water to prepare formula, or money to pay for what it very expensive relative to incomes. Even a poor family in the UK is extremely unlikely to be using a truly dangerous water source.

So much of this debate comes back to mummy guilt. You matter too and are you an excellent parent however you feed your child.

I exclusively breastfed dd because IT DID NOT HURT, if it did, would I have, probably not.

sorry, rant over. It just makes me so dang mad when women feel like they don’t matter enough, to the point that being in agony, hours a day, feels like a good trade off for at best a marginally (maybe) better food source. Like would you cut up your nipples to feed your kids organic tinned tomatoes over supermarket own brand?