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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

failure

26 replies

mehdismummy · 17/01/2008 18:52

i feel like a complete failure. Ds nearly two and bf. He has been co sleeping since birth. Have done most of this all on my own as dh works early till five six days a week. And where he from women bring up the children. I started back to work three evenings a week a year ago working seven until one in the morning. It was easy when he was ten months but now he is more a

OP posts:
fishie · 17/01/2008 18:55

yes...?

Original poster
mehdismummy · 17/01/2008 18:57

active i get so tired of being up from seven in morning right through until one. I dont even get time for myself before i have to go and manage a busy pub. Just brought ds bed and he is doing ok but finding it really tough to wean of bf as i am so tired its easier to give in. I am sure he would sleep straight through if he did wake up and could back to sleep without bf. Going to work now but will look if anyone has advice when i finish. Please help at my wits end

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theUrbanDryad · 17/01/2008 19:02

why do you want to give up bf-ing? sorry if i'm being dim, but is there a real need to give up now? could you not give him a bf at night then put him down awake to settle himself? (Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution" is good for tips on how to do this!) or bf then give to dh/p to settle?

theUrbanDryad · 17/01/2008 19:05

also - that's a hell of a day! i'm exhausted by the time ds is bed, and i'm in awe of you managing to then go and do a shift in a pub - as an ex barmaid myself i know how tiring such work is! could you not swap your hours a bit? maybe do a lunchtime shift or a tea time one, and arrange some child care?

and - when does your ds actually have a bf? is he just feeding first thing in the morning/last thing at night, or does he have feeds during the day and night too?

Original poster
mehdismummy · 17/01/2008 19:11

last thing at night. Then sit down on floor next to him until he asleep. He just moved from sleeping with me to his own bed. Cant swap my shifts as dh works during day and cant afford child care. I get next to nothing anyway. Dh always has his wages for him. Tax credit pays food. Ds wake up maybe three times a night may be more. Please keep posting will keep checking in between running sub

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Original poster
mehdismummy · 17/01/2008 19:12

lol sorry that was meant to be pub! Then again same thing!

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theUrbanDryad · 17/01/2008 19:17

your dh keeps his wages for him? what for? sorry i know a bit OT, but seems a bit off to me to be honest.

have a look at the book i listed below, you should be able to get it from the library, or get it 2nd hand off Amazon for a fiver or so. it does help with the sleep without having to do CC which sounds like it wouldn't be your cup of tea. at 2 he should probably be able to self settle (speaking as the mother of an insomniac 1 year old! )

you didn't mention why you wanted to give up bf-ing...?

oh, and you are NOT a failure. it sounds like you could do with some support from your OH...

fishie · 17/01/2008 19:18

sounds awful mm, you can't carry on like this. are you sure you can't get some help with childcare, you should get something from working tax credit. is it actually worth your working (are you declaring it?)

Original poster
mehdismummy · 17/01/2008 21:43

no its not worth me working but flat comes with job so if i dont work no flat. I dont really want to give up bf we both really enjoy it and its special time . Just think that may be reason that he keeps waking up. I wish dh would be supportive to. He works alot of hours up to seventy a week but i never see money. Worse he usually works nights i dont so really have a relationship. I am so so lonely and just sitting here getting bigger by the day because i comfort eat. Will look again in a bit. Its curry club tonight so quite busy

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Original poster
mehdismummy · 18/01/2008 00:28

ok finished. Anyone around. Dreading going home know that ds will be asleep on my bed with dh

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verylittlecarrot · 18/01/2008 00:36

Hi MM

I'm no help to you I'm afraid, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hope things get better for you.

Original poster
mehdismummy · 18/01/2008 01:03

thanks vlc. It really does help. Jus got home ds asleep on dh's chest. Taken him off and now bf him. Have not got the heart to put him in his own bed. God im rubbish at this

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welliemum · 18/01/2008 01:18

MM, you don't sound like any kind of failure, but rather someone who is exhausted and exploited and miserable. Your daily routine would have killed me in a month, let alone a year.

It really is not normal or fair for a husband to withold his wages from his own family.

Can I suggest that you post in the Relationships forum and ask whether anyone else has experience of this? I'm not sure about your legal rights, but someone else will know.

Sorry, this might seem a bit off topic, but I don't think you have a breastfeeding problem really - it's bigger than that isn't it.

slim22 · 18/01/2008 01:22

Hi,

What welliemum said. no better advice.

hugs

Original poster
mehdismummy · 18/01/2008 01:58

oh yes it is alot bigger than that. Just so v tired of it. Its easier not to argue about it because the person dh becomes if i do is horrible. Learnt along time ago to just keep quiet. I have ds who is my life. I dont to be honest even like dh anymore. Just cant face being on my own in hostel in camden

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welliemum · 18/01/2008 03:20

MM, I've been a bit pushy here and I've posted on your behalf in the relationships forum.

If you feel I've gone way over the line, say so - I'll report myself and get the thread pulled straight away.

I am just so sure that there are other alternatives beside "a hostel in Camden" and that you could get some really good advice from people who've been through similar.

Meantime, hugs to you and your DS.

Buda · 18/01/2008 06:25

for you. I looked at your profile and your DS is totally gorgeous.

There will be lots and lots of practical advice and support on here for you. You don't have to live the way you are living.

Who does your DH think SHOULD support you and his child? Does he earn enough to support you both?

FlllightAttendant · 18/01/2008 07:12

Oh Mehdismummy, I never realised what you were going through, you are always so kind and funny when we talk...

I am sorry this is happening. It sounds mentally and physically exhausting.

A hostel would not be the only option. I would be glad to have you and your darling boy stay with me actually!

I don't know what to suggest to help. Keep talking, we are all listening xx

Original poster
mehdismummy · 18/01/2008 09:12

oh flllight that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time. Just confirming my point of you being a legend! Buda thanks about your comments about ds. He is without doubt the best thing in my entire life. Without him i just could not exist. Wellie you have not offended me at all. Will look for thread now, finally got to sleep at three. Ds up at 8:30. Wish had my dad to turn to. He died nearly four years ago suddenly of terminal cancer. He would have had me out in the begining. When dh left me for a week when i first found out i was pregnant. i miss him terribly

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FlllightAttendant · 18/01/2008 09:17

You poor thing, you sound very isolated. Do you have any friends nearby who know what's going on? If there is anything at all I can do to help, just shout. It makes me sad when people who are in what should be a supportive relationship, are so clearly let down by their husband. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad too.

theUrbanDryad · 18/01/2008 09:27

sweetie - if the flat comes with your job, and dh lives in the flat that comes with your job, then kick him the hell out if you want to! take some time off work, you must have holiday allowances, then get in touch with your local CAB or Welfare Rights and see what you are entitled to as a single parent. or ask on here - there are plenty of people who can give you advice.

got to go out now, but if you are near London drop me a CAT, we can always meet up for a coffee sometime.

thinking of you chuck. xx

chrissnow · 18/01/2008 09:29

mehdismummy. You are NOT in any way shape or form a failure. You're bfing you're wonderful little boy and looking after him beautifully. (the profile pics are testimont to that). What you are doing is hard. I know exactly how you feel. I also do the 7-1 shift 3 days a week. (until 2 weeks ago it was 9.30-2.30 am, but I begged my boss to change it as I couldn't cope anymore with the lack of sleep). It is so difficult, coming in late, waking early with kids and having to be 'on' instantly and for the rest of the day!! Sometimes you're just so tired you're praying for 'naptime' (if they go nap - which mine don't always do). You think go to M&T/park etc to tire them out but you can't quite summon the energy. and then early evening when they're going to bed and it should be wind down, you're running round like a demon getting ready for work.
I'm in a far better position than you 'cus I think I have a more supportive DH (and I still find it tough). No real advice but very real empathy.

FioFio · 18/01/2008 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

slim22 · 18/01/2008 09:44

Likely to be sending some money home to his mother.

She can not keep the flat unless she does the night shifts. She needs the father to babysit in the evenings to go to work.
It's a catch22

Now, does anybody know waht sort of benefits she can get as a single mum.
Does anybody know how to force him to contribute to his family's upkeep. (she sorts out housing and food - he: fuck all)

wannaBe · 18/01/2008 10:07

other thread is here

maybe worth bumping that as more people likely to read in relationship than breast/bottlefeeding.