Devastated to stop breastfeeding - any advice?

[NewKidOnTheBlock99]

Hello,

I’ve posted a couple of times on this forum - my DD is now 12 weeks old and we’ve had a horrible time breastfeeding. The initial cracked nipples, awful oversupply, I’ve got a good sleeper so even when she sleeps I’m up most of the night hand expressing, a very big baby who is just difficult to breastfeed out and about, we’ve also battled thrush pretty much since week 3 that is still there - she’s fine but I have awful symptoms (boobs are constantly painful)…

I made the decision to give up weeks ago but it’s taking an age to wean, also with the drop in supply baby seems to feed fine for a few minutes then just be pulling on and off the breast getting frustrated and then I just worry she’s constantly hungry as it’s hard to then ‘top up’ with bottles.

We’re almost there I.e from tomorrow I will pretty much feed once a day (first thing) and then just pump off any engorgement - even after all of the above I’m surprised but I feel absolutely devastated and wondering if I’m making the right decision. I’ve been driven to absolute despair and my mental health has really plummeted but I feel so much guilt and I’m tempted to try and get my supply back up. Am I mad? Are these feelings normal and will they pass?

x

You poor thing. I would have been devastated too. I didn't actually start until about 10 weeks as was pumping until finally got tongue tie sorted, and went from just one feed a day to start, with formula top ups that we weaned off to ebf, so trust me it's not too late to reverse it if you're unsure. Far better to keep going if you're not at peace with the decision as you can always stop in the future. Kelly Mom has loads of great information about relactation. Only you know what's right for you.

When you stop breastfeeding, the shift in hormones can make you feel depressed, anxious and upset. It's really normal, even if you are fully ready and happy to stop. Be kind to yourself and don't for even a second feel guilty. You've done an amazing job and you're a brilliant mum.

What (if any) specialist support have you had with your breastfeeding difficulties?
Has your HV referred you to the infant feeding team?
Have you tried any breastfeeding groups near you? Often these can be very helpful, some are led by HV/NHS, some by charities and some are simply peer-to-peer. I took my son to a charity-run breastfeeding group and I was lucky to see a trained breastfeeding counsellor who was excellent. She diagnosed tongue tie when others had missed it.
Of course your baby may or may not have tongue tie but whatever the issues they can offer support overcoming them whether you want to continue or stop breastfeeding.

Face to face breastfeeding support was critical for me. As was a private lactation consultant as there was a wait for the NHS one. I hope you have explored all the support available so you know you're stopping out of informed choice not lack of help and advice to make it a successful experience.

I did something similar with DD1 and I sought support from the perinatal mental health team but honestly I wasn’t fully accepting of my decision until I had had DD2 and started bf again and remembered how hard it is.

I also felt awful about stopping breastfeeding. I stopped around 3 weeks in. It's the hormones. Once my milk had dried up I realised so fast how much happier I was using formula. If you've had enough, then it's totally fine to stop. I didn't regret it one bit.

Hi, I’m so sorry you’ve had such a tough time. Would it be worth giving the National breastfeeding helpline a call to talk through your feelings around it? If you do decide to stop I believe they would also offer a breastfeeding debrief, it’s common to feel a sense of grief in stopping or going through unexpected difficulties with feeding. Amy Browns book ‘why breastfeeding grief and trauma matter’ may be worth a read for you somewhere along the line. Sending you solidarity and support, I know all too well the intense distress that comes with feeding difficulties x

Oh I remember that so well. I stopped at about the same time. Honestly, the "last feed" was so sad, but I was over it very quickly afterwards - my baby was much happier which made everything easier and better. Be kind to yourself - you've tried really hard.

I stopped at the same time due to DD's allergies and cried a lot but the HV showed me a chart that was very clear that it's the first month that really matters - then the benefits very quickly tail off. I was ok very quickly once everything settled and even decided that if I had another child (I didn't ) I'd only feed for those 4 weeks. Now, a decade on, all the propaganda over bf makes me quite cross actually.

it's the first month that really matters - then the benefits very quickly tail off.

^ not true. The WHO guidelines are useful and this is an interesting read too. lactationnetwork.com/blog/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding-a-timeline-for-the-ages/

Lots going on, OP. I feel for you. Hormones are not to be underestimated - post partum they are a bit of a rollercoaster at the best of times.

In the end its up to you to decide how you want to feed your baby. It would be great if we could put aside guilt and worry and what we think other people would say, but that can be so hard!

What if I say it will be fine either way?

You can choose to move onto formula. It will be fine. You can mixed feed. It will be fine. You can choose to move back to breastfeeding. It will be fine.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

@WTF475878237NC most of the benefits on that chart use the word ''may''

Bf is sometimes great, but sometimes it's not.

Also, the risk of breast cancer is higher after pregnancy for a year . If I hadn't stopped, I doubt I'd have found the lump.

The bf breast cancer protections only kick in if you breast feed for well over a year .

I just get a bit fed up of unbalanced information to mothers around this subject which leads to the kind of feelings OP has. I had them, and so did my dsis who was watching her baby steadily lose weight and still being encouraged to breast feed.

Breast feed if it works - but please don't stress or feel guilty if it doesn't.

Please don’t feel guilty. You’ve done incredibly well to get to 12 weeks, that’s worth a celebration! The benefits of breastfeeding are there, but they tend to be wildly exaggerated unfortunately. A lot of the discourse around breastfeeding is quite poisonous. 12 weeks of breast milk has given your little one a fantastic start in life. Fed is best, and a mum who is happy and healthy and has time and energy to spend with their child is absolutely best. Best wishes with your journey xx

How are you getting on, OP? Hope all is well. Here if you need any help or support.

Thank you so much for all the kind messages, it has made me feel loads better hearing everyone else’s experiences!

I have sought loads of help both privately and on the NHS some of the advice I received was shocking I.e just wake my baby up to feed if I’m struggling at night with engorgment…when trying to wean… (???)

@Hagiography Im still soldiering on with one feed a day but I think I’m almost there - it’s been 16 hours since my last feed and some hard lumps but mostly soft - the low mood/Anxiety/paranoia (I get this when I’m pms’ing so not surprised when there’s a big hormonal shift) has kicked back in. I feel quite upset because we’re having sleep issues and she keeps going to the boob for comfort & I keep saying no but I’m persevering 💔