Hello,
I just wanted to update this thread in case someone finds it in the future and is looking for support/reassurance/sympathy/feeling less alone.
I wrote this 21 days ago, when my DD was 5 weeks; she will be 8 weeks tomorrow. She has now been exclusively formula fed for two days, and that means not a drop of breast milk has touched her. Before that, she was still getting breast milk in a bottle, even if it was once a day.
Here's what happened: things got even more complicated. On top of a low supply, sore nipples, mental health difficulties on my part AND a high needs baby who preferred the bottle and fussed at the breast 9/10 times, I had a mole removed somewhere close to my breast on my abdomen, which meant I could not feed her in the only position that had somewhat worked for us: cradle hold. I was too afraid that she would start kicking or punching and disturb my stitches, which I'd have for at least 10 days. I also was told not to breastfeed for two days after the procedure due to the anaesthesia.
So I pumped for a few days, only a couple of times a day, and even that was hard. My plan was not to breastfeed exclusively anymore, or even 50/50 - all I wanted was to keep the morning breastfeed, as that was the only one that had reliably worked for us by that time. She would latch on and stay on the breast, quite peacefully, for about 45 minutes total. And I enjoyed it, so I wanted to keep it. But after pumping for a few days, I was dreading it, and pumping at night before bed after a very long day with baby just became one more stressful thing to consider. So then I asked myself if I was willing to do this for the foreseeable feature in order to keep my supply to a minimum, and how long would I be able to keep it up. And I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to pump because it was painful and a faff, and baby would not latch often enough to keep the supply up to the bare minimum. So I stopped.
I latched her on about a week after the procedure (she did not kick my stitches, that was ok), and she tried to feed. There wasn't much milk coming out, probably, and eventually she unlatched and cried a little bit. And I just don't want to upset her again (she already cries a lot for whatever reason, so I don't want to add to that).
Now we've also found out that she's dropped a percentile. I'm not too concerned as she's still a big baby for her age, but even with the formula I know she's not eating as much as she should for her weight and age. Believe it or not, I had fantasised about maybe trying her on the breast again after reading success stories, but now that I know this, I think it'd be selfish to add an extra level of complexity to the feeding process which DD does not enjoy and which will makes us clueless as to how much food she's getting. I also suspect (from the milk that I expressed) that my milk is not very rich, it always looked so watery.
It's been so, so hard making this decision and getting to this point; I have been torturing myself over this for the last 6 weeks, even though breastfeeding did not work for us since Day 1 (so, 8 weeks). I know I haven't tried 'hard enough'. I know there are many things I haven't tried to make this work, such as pumping/feeding through the night, forcing her back on the breast, removing bottles, seeing a lactation consultant, taking fenugreek and eating special cookies, getting her checked for tongue tie by a private specialist, using an electric pump and a pumping bra. But I just didn't want to sacrifice my mental health, I didn't want to be in constant pain, and I didn't want to hire the wrong professional and throw money away. I'm aware other women make these choices, and I'm in awe of their strength and perseverance, but I prioritised my own wellbeing because I realised that my daughter needed a mother who didn't curse every time she fed her, who didn't want to abandon her and who didn't dread giving her food, and unfortunately that's what was happening.
I used to hate giving my baby a bottle; I would feel awkward and inadequate, I didn't know how to hold her or how to hold the bottle. I'd get stressed out and pass her onto my husband to feed her instead. I've had to learn and become used to it, and I can now say that I enjoy feeding her. She looks me in the eye, and I don't take it personally if she fusses - I then know she's either uncomfortable (windy) or not hungry, and I don't have to start troubleshooting to see if the flow is too fast or too slow, if there's enough milk or if she's in the right position. It's just much more simple. She often falls asleep on my lap right after, which was my favourite thing about breastfeeding her anyway. She's fine.
Yes, breast milk is best, but this journey has made me realise - once more - how society and the health sector (as a whole) don't take women's struggles into account if someone else is going to benefit from their suffering. Between a miscarriage and the subsequent pregnancy, I have spent 12 months where my body was not entirely mine, where there was physical and mental pain, and I didn't even have a particularly difficult pregnancy. Then I had a difficult birth and challenging recovery, so there was even more pain. And then there was the baby blues that lasted way too long until I was on the verge of developing PND due to sleep deprivation, and the breastfeeding pain and stress to top that off. When does it stop? Because I'm still recovering from an episiotomy and I've had doctors told me that I'm absolutely fine when I don't feel fine and I don't look fine. I even had a FEMALE doctor tell me that it was my fault if I was leaking urine like an 85 year old woman because I'd had a child, and that I should get on with it (thank God that subsided).
I disagree with breastfeeding being a public matter, and with the breast is best campaigns. The pressure on women to breastfeed is insane, and the fact that a third party is asking you - expecting you! - to go through such levels of pain for 6 freaking months or longer makes me so angry. Breastfeeding should be a choice, not an obligation. Yes, it's better for the baby, but very often it's far worse for the mother, and the mother matters, too.
If you're reading this and are in the same boat I've been in, I want you to know that you matter. You are important. And you don't have to breastfeed. You get to choose because (hopefully) you live in a country where water is safe to drink and formula is readily available. If you choose to try harder than I have, that's fantastic, and I'm cheering for you. But if you don't want to suffer anymore, that's ok. It really is.
This was long, but I hope it might help someone. Reading other people's stories definitely helped me.