Breastfeeding making me lose my mind

[OrlaOrka]

I have a 4mo baby girl. We’ve been bf since birth, and it’s never been easy. So many latching problems at the beginning, no midwives/ibclc could get her to latch. She basically just screamed and wouldn’t latch, or after an hour of screaming will latch and fall asleep after a couple of mins.

we have had a posterior tt snipped
tried giving a bit of expressed milk to take the edge of hunger off
on meds for reflux (did help actually)
cranial osteopathy

basically what I have to do is put her dummy in and then take it out and put my nipple in her mouth and she feeds for max 5 mins but it’s very fractious latching on and off etc

weve muddled on like this but the last week has been especially difficult and even that isn’t working now, she’s crying, I’m crying. I’m so frustrated as I feel it’s been so so hard from day one and I’ve pushed through and we’re still no better off. When does it get easier? Or does it not?

The osteopath said she seems like she has a breastfeeding aversion because even when I put her in position to feed she kicks off. I could always feed her without issue at night when she was sleepy but even now that’s not happening.

I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I can’t think of what else I can do? Has anyone been through the same and come out the other side? Or at this stage to I just need to give myself permission to stop because it’s ruining my time with her. I have a 16mo and I feel like I’m neglecting him because I’m spending so much time with feeding!

please help!

Is it worth just giving up and going on formula? Or is BF really important to you?

Try formula. Don't feel guilty, you've done your best and your baby will be fine.

You have done well to persevere when BF has been do difficult. Your baby will have had all the benefits of breast feeding by now so you can switch to bottle feeding with a clear conscience, knowing you have given it your best shot. Your health visitor will talk you through it if you like.

When you get to the point of crying in distress after 4 months of trying, it is time to try another way.

I’d echo what PP said.

it’s ok to stop. You don’t have to stop, don’t be pressured to. But if you want to stop, it’s ok.

Breast is best. But I have 2 kids. One bf to 3m one to 2.5 years. I challenge anyone to tell the difference in them at 10 years

Absolutely this.

You need to keep your mental and physical health up to look after both kids.

Time to switch.

i think everyone really pushes BF. A while ago a friend was expressing and feeding from a bottle because she was struggling with latching. The midwives wouldn’t stop saying ‘just try again, just try again, try the latch now, just try’ that was virtually all they wanted to talk to her about. She was happy, baby was happy, baby was fed, everyone was getting some sleep. But Rather than saying well done, it was always about how she could BF better. There’s just so much pressure! Op, do the pros of breastfeeding outweigh the cons for you and your baby? Only you know how important this is to you. But can you express and feed from a bottle? Can you move to formula? Obviously if the positive outweighs the negatives for you keep with it, but it doesn’t sound like it does. You won’t be a bad mother for bottle feeding, just look after yourself.

Will she take a bottle? It's fine to do a combination of breast and formula if that would mean keeping your breastfeeding going.

I combi fed my first and from 4 months that was easy to do. I swapped out the mid morning and mid afternoon feeds for a bottle and kept the rest as breast. This might just take the edge off it for both of you and allow you to keep going.

4/5 months can be a bit of a wall with breastfeeding as well. They physicality of it can really start to get to you.

The good news is that you're only a few weeks from weaning. If you can make it to that and quickly get up to 3 meals a day they start to drop milk feeds and again it can get easier.

Have you looked into Cows Milk Protein Allergy (CMPA) to be sure it's not something in your milk causing an issue? How is weight gain?

If CMPA not an issue and she will take a bottle then formula seems like a good option. Or perhaps you could explore combi feeding, if she feels less pressure to breastfeed she might get over the aversion in time with lots of skin to skin?

My son had a posterior tongue tie that reattached and had to be cut again so could be something like that too?

You are unhappy, your child is unhappy - nobody is benefitting from the BF. Stop today, get her on a bottle and start enjoying motherhood. You don't need permission from anyone. You have nothing to feel bad about and everything to gain. Good luck!

Put her on the bottle, you will both be happier. Don’t let this ruin your magical time together.

When I was desperately struggling to BF a very wise midwife told me "you should enjoy feeding your baby". And she was absolutely right. Feeding your baby isn't supposed to be this traumatic for either of you. We're fortunate to live in an age where there's excellent formula and not only will your baby be fine on it, you'll both be able to enjoy that feeding time together again. You sound like a great mum who's tried everything.

I bust a gut to breastfeed. It was really important to me. But it's not more important than everything else. The pressure was because I wanted to do it, not because of other people's opinions, and I got lucky and it got easier within the first month. There's no way I would have had your perseverance; if I hadn't managed to get it established sooner than that I would have stopped!

At four months you've given it a really good try and given her a great start; I think you need to give yourself permission to stop and not feel bad/too sad about it. It sounds very difficult and tiring for you and maybe stressful for her.

You've had a breastfeeding relationship with her; you really don't need to feel you've missed out on that, if that is part of what was important to you. She'll start solids in a couple of months anyway, and obv breastfeeding doesn't stop then but it does change a bit, or I found so. You could always just give formula and let her have the breast in between feeds just to see what happens. But imo it's time to take care of yourself too. You've done a great job at a hard thing and it seems like diminishing returns now, perhaps. Good luck whatever you decide.

Oh I’ve just come back to all these messages and it feels like a weight has been lifted, it’s so easy to get in your head about bf and get overwhelmed emotionally.

you’re all absolutely right, I’ve given it my best shot and we’ve managed 4 months so I should look on that as a positive and not a failure really. You know when you just need someone else to say it!!

thank you everyone I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your replies x

I didn't last that long with either of mine. You've done really well.

Agree with previous posters, sometimes the fight is simply too much...

One thing I would try, if you have the energy left, is a completely different feeding position. Our DD was also crying and screaming. After more than five months she started being happy, because as a last resort I tried a position not in the official breastfeeding guides... baby on her back on a mattress, me next to her, and then she turned her head herself towards the nipples. So she was flat on the mattress and not 'manipulated' by me IYSWIM. I lay on my side. So if there is a completely different position that you haven't tried yet, you may give it a try. But make sure you are both happy... all the best!

Hi Op you've done amazingly well and if you want to stop then do what makes you happy and know your child will be just as well fed with formula. However- just to say, I have had sort of similar experience with my combi fed baby. He's nearly5 months now but we had a really difficult period when he was 4 months and a week or so old where he was being so funny about feeding. Even at times that were usually our best breast feeds (middle of night and first morning feed). Doing just as you say- latching on and off endlessly, screaming, arching back. I also had to do dummy trick you're doing. After about 10 days it passed. After5 days of it I went to local breastfeeding cafe and they advised me to drop a bottle of formula if I wanted to keep breastfeeding- which I did. That helped for 3 days but I ended up reintroducing as he seemed so hungry. Had a few more funny days and then it was all back to normal. I put it down to some weird 4 month old thing. Baby cafe said 4 months is notorious for babys suddenly refusing to breastfeed as much or as easily, being super distracted on boob and they felt it was normal developmental. If you want to keep bfeeding then I would say keep going for another week or so and see if.it passes, but if you feel you're done with it then have zero guilt or anxiety about stopping. You might want to look at advice though fir how to stop as if you stop cold turkey you could end up with mastitis. Good luck whatever you decide! Xx

Thank you everyone. Yes I have heard they are more fussy at 4 months so maybe there’s an element of that. I think I could accept that if the feeding had been ok beforehand, but it’s been bad and is now worse and tbh I hadn’t even thought it could get worse! So I will move to combination feeding and slowly to fully formula feeding. I think that feels right for me. And if magically she gets better in a week or two will continue combination, thanks for all the tips and advice here. It’s reassuring to know others have been similar!

I really appreciate you taking the time out to reply and I feel so so much better now x

What about expressing and bottle feeding that? If that doesn't work for you there's nothing to feel guilty about for not BF! It won't be long before she's trying solids

I did that with my first for 6 months, and it was fine then but it’s time consuming and I don’t think I could manage it again with having 2 under 2! Thank you tho

If you want to stop, stop.

My first I EBF for 6 weeks (although she had odd bottles of expressed milk here and there too). Combi fed from 6 weeks with formula too, gradually weaning her til she was fully FF by 12 weeks. BF was horrendously painful the entire time and I was utterly miserable and got PND, I wish I had packed it in earlier.

DC2 it was painful but it started to ease up after a few weeks. It was pain free by around week 12, but he started being a fussy feeder around the 12 week mark unfortunately when he discovered his hands and the world around him. Like your DC he would fuss on and off, feed for a few mins max other than at night and before bed, I'd use the dummy trick too, walk around feeding him as that was often the only way I could get him to latch at all. It was a faff, so stressful and by 5 months even bed time and the night feeds were fussy and annoying. He's always had a few night feed bottles a week, expressed milk for first 6 weeks and formula thereafter, that DH does to give me a break. At 7 months we are still feeding. I don't love it, Im looking forward to stopping, but I don't hate it and I'm glad I continued.

I think the fussiness around 3/4/5 months is common. Can you go to a breastfeeding peer support group? I go to one regularly since my baby was newborn and I find it so helpful to see other people with the same challenges and to get advice from them and the peer supporters. If your baby is gaining well you can trust they are getting the milk they need. If my baby fussed at the breast I would put it away and reoffer in 30 mins. I found lots of the time they were tired not hungry, my DC2 didn't want to comfort suck at the breast from being around 12 weeks, he wanted his dummy for naps, so I went with it. So he only needed to feed every 3hrs or so and he got efficient at feeding so 5 mins was more than enough time for him to drain the breast by the time he was about 4/5 months old.

I say all that to share my experience btw not to try and convince you to continue. As I say, I didn't with my first and I wished I'd stopped sooner in that case. So it really depends on your circs and how you feel. Either way is fine.

Switch to formula hun. And DO NOT feel guilty. You've given it your all and nothing should be this hard.

@SecondhandTable sounds like you’ve had a really similar experience to me, it’s so frustrating isn’t it. Well done for carrying on until now tho! Is the bf support group the la leche league things? I’m getting her weighed tomorrow and hoping so much she’s been gaining or I’m going to really feel terrible! thanks for sharing it is nice to hear other peoples experience

@JennyWren87 thank you, that’s nice of you x

It’s ok to stop!

Glad.youre feeling a bit better about it all OP. Combi feeding my second baby has been the perfect balance for me and is definitely what's kept me continuing to do any breastfeeding at all. I pushed myself to the point of breakdown with my eldest to exclusively breastfeed and suffered huge guilt when she was failing to thrive, dropped tons of weight (due to an undiagnosed tongue tie). I look back now at pics of her and she looks awful compared to my current chunk. And I also look back and feel do desperately sad that I spent the first 8 weeks of her life in tears, daily- usually multiple.times a day, because the feeding was so painful and difficult and she was losing weight or not gaining. I've fully enjoyed my youngest so far because I made the decision to combi feed from start. Hoping your new feeding approach and any future feeding choices you make give you the joy you deserve to be having with your LO 💐