Close to giving up bf

[WorryMcGee]

My daughter is 15 days old and I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Right from the start she’s been unable to latch without a shield. So many people in the hospital tried, including a feeding consultant who was the one who suggested shields because I have completely flat nipples and my daughter is tiny (6lb 6) with a high palate apparently so not enough is getting into her mouth to trigger a sucking reflex. After pumping when there is a bit more “shape” I do try to get her to latch on without one but she screams and it doesn’t work at all.

She feeds with the shields but it’s a nightmare. She knocks them off flailing her arms around and then she’ll feed for nearly an hour every time and rarely comes off of her own accord. They don’t seem to be very efficient if that makes sense. She’ll stop drinking expressed milk from a bottle when she’s done, so I can only assume she’s not getting enough at the breast and that’s why she never comes off on her own. I only manage to pump enough for one bottle a day. Also even with the shields my breasts hurt. One is bigger than the other and hurts more. They aren’t engorged so I don’t know why they hurt.

The main thing I can’t cope with though is the spitting up. I’ll sit here for an hour feeding her, keep her upright for at least 30 minutes, put her down and she’ll spit up what looks like everything I just sat there feeding her - so I have to clean all that up and before you know it she’s hungry again and the whole sorry process starts again. At least if I bottle fed her it wouldn’t take an hour to feed her in the process. She’s just done exactly that and I’m sat here crying because I’ve spent an hour of discomfort feeding her only for her to throw it all back up. What’s the point? I’m up all night. Cot is tipped up, makes no difference.

The spitting up doesn’t seem to bother her at all. I try winding her but nothing gets any wind up, all it does is make her scream (she’s pretty chilled otherwise, just seems to hate all the burping positions after a while) I don’t know if she’s put on weight because the HV didn’t show up yesterday despite me waiting in all day (and not “sleeping when the baby sleeps”) - found out at 3pm she’d called in sick and no one thought to call me and let me know. Nappies seem fine.

Shall I just quit? I feel like it’s hopeless 😓

Breastfeeding can be so difficult! I was asking myself 'should I quit?' during a recent period of extreme difficulty breastfeeding.

My thought process was this..there are 2 sides to this coin and you have to choose the right one for you:

Side 1: Breastfeeding, when all the problems have been ironed out, can be an amazing experience that make it worth enduring the hardships at the start.

Side 2: Breastfeeding can be an immensely stressful experience that can really cloud those first precious weeks with your baby and can really affect your mental health, and nothing is worth that.

In my experience, I decided to give things one last shot, hired a lactation consultant and just as I was about to opt for 'Side 2', things got better with breastfeeding. I would have stopped had my 'last chance' to fix things mot worked.

In my experience, I wanted to be 100% sure that it was time to stop breastfeeding before I did . If you arent 100% sure, get some help for alacration consultant and give yourself a bit more time. If you feel sure that you do want to stop but feel like you want permission to do so, then please do. Nothing is worth the stress to your mental health.

They do say 'never quit on a bad day' but are your days consistently bad? How do you feel when you think about not breastfeeding any more? Relief? Sadness? Ambivalence? Do you want to keep going?

I sympathise OP! Breastfeeding is so tough in the early days and it sounds like you are having a rough time.

The spitting up could be completely normal - a lot of babies do it! It's just so disheartening when you've worked so hard to get the milk in to them in the first place. They will grow out of it eventually, and if they become unhappy about it then there are medications available if you speak to your gp.

The long feeding - more than 40 minutes a feed is considered long and suggests that baby isn't getting a lot through the shield. I've only used them once or twice and my child fed for hours and hours - the milk just didn't seem to get in to their mouth!

Can you access advice from a breastfeeding counsellor? I found them much more helpful than midwives or health visitors when it came to breastfeeding, especially if you can see them face to face and they can observe a feed.

The other thing is that you need to look after yourself. There is no reason why you can't give your baby the odd bottle of formula to allow you to rest etc. don't guilt trip yourself - do what you need to do, and what feels right for you. Try to switch your thinking - every day that you have fed your baby is an achievement. Keep going if you want. It will get easier as your baby gets bigger and you both learn what you are supposed to do! Breastfeeding is a learned skill that we are supposed to somehow 'know' already without any training!

I mixed fed formula and breast for this reason. It did mean that my supply never really got going and I did end up completely formula feeding by 10 weeks. It did make me sad but I was in danger of completely cracking up if I'd tried to persevere solely breastfeeding. Now they are older teens I look back and wish I'd switched to formula fully sooner. It's not poison. I don't know why I put myself through so much and it really spoilt my first few weeks trying doggedly to breast feed.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time OP. Some great advice on this thread. I wanted to add that my daughter had no problems with latch or feeding but her feeds always took over an hour on each side.

With your first baby it takes a lot of hard work on their part to stimulate the supply.

But until she was about 3-4 months feeds took about 2 hours minimum.

And she spat it up all the time.

I don't know if that is helping- just when I read your account it sounded very familiar and probably normal.

But you definitely need some good support. I'd definitely recommend a breastfeeding counsellor or lactation consultant who can come and be with you while you sort out the pain and get it properly established.

My baby didn't put on weight for a while (about 3 weeks) health visitor gave me one last chance to get her weight up before she recommended formula. So for the following week I mostly stayed in and prioritised her feeding massively- just gave her the boob the whole time- and her weight went very significantly up and everyone was really pleased.

I also ate loads of cake drank Guinness (recommended by midwife), watched loads of tv and was really kind to myself.

Good luck with it all

Thanks everyone. I had a midwife appointment today and they weighed my baby, she has put on a bit of weight but not quite back to her birth weight yet. Had a mini breakdown, they checked the latch and confirmed she wasn’t on properly. Took three of us to get it right because of all the thrashing about and shield coming off. Tried to recreate at home, failed massively and ended up sobbing into her hair while giving her a bottle. I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve emailed a lactation consultant as one last try but until the appointment I think I’m going to have to express as much as I can and top up with formula because I feel like I’ll break if I carry this on.

For goodness sake just stop and go onto a bottle. Motherhood is hard enough.

My baby girl is 16 days old today. I nearly went on to formula day 5 after a huge meltdown and terribly damaged nipples but got some shields to try and have been using them since. I have noticed the past few days my baby has been feeding constantly. I think it is an age thing/ growth spurt but it is truly draining! I know what you mean about the frustration when baby's arms thrash and they hit the shield off. Especially in the middle of the night. I was worried about how much she was getting as she was getting really cross with my boobs earlier but I think it's her getting my supply up.
I think you need to do what works for you. I managed 3 weeks of bf my son who is now 7. I'm taking each day as it comes with my daughter x

Stop torturing yourself and give her a bottle!

I have just given her a bottle and it was so nice feeding her in a calm way without the searing pain, me fighting to keep her arms out of the way and the inevitable crying (from both of us). My husband has said I need to stop trying to latch her on until we have some proper support and guidance, as he hates seeing me this upset and the shields aren’t working. I agree with him I think. Perhaps I’ll be able to pump more successfully if I’m more relaxed?

Pumping sounds like the way to go for now, at least until you can get an appointment with the bf counsellor. Mixed feeding might suit your situation, and once your baby's mouth is bigger the issue may resolve. However, don't allow anyone to guilt trip you over this. Fed is best!

I understand that a decent pump makes a massive difference to the amount you get. I've no personal experience of this but imagine there are lots of MN threads on the subject.

Give her formula - nothing is worth you stressing so much. She will still be getting a perfect start in life with formula.

I saw a lactation consultant yesterday who confirmed there’s no tongue tie. She agreed it’s DD’s small mouth that’s the issue and agreed that we need shields for now. I can (eventually after a lot of fighting) get her to latch on better now but the flailing arms, knocking the shields and feeding forever are still an issue and if I take her off after an hour because I’m sore she screams because she’s still hungry. LC said only feed 10 mins on each breast then top up but if I’m having to top up anyway and I’m not having a lovely bonding experience what the hell is the point!? Also I don’t know if it’s a coincidence but we had a bad night of her spitting up constantly all night again, we didn’t have that when feeding the expressed milk plus formula top
ups so I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve fed her again this morning and I know she was latched on correctly, heard her gulping etc but after we were done she spat up what looked like most of it and then screamed in hunger. Ended up tearfully giving her to my husband who is currently giving her formula. What on earth is the point in any of it and why TF can’t I just give it up when it’s clearly not working and I hate it? I’m so sore, my c section incision hurts and I don’t know why my body’s not doing what it’s supposed to 😢

Honestly? Nobody would judge you for stopping or switching to mixed feeding now. This isn't a bonding experience it's making your child's earliest days miserable, stressful and painful.
If you want to stop then go for it, this time next year nobody will really care how you fed her as long as she's healthy and loved.

When I was pregnant I always said if bf didn’t work out I’d formula feed. I know plenty of people that do! I don’t know why I’ve got myself into such a state about this, I didn’t expect to feel like such a failure

You are not a failure. The pressure to bf is so wrong. You love your baby - that will not change if you use formula - formula is amazing! DT’s were formula fed from day one - they are perfect - healthy and happy.

You really aren’t a failure! I have had a mixed experience with all 3 of mine. One formula fed, one breast fed and one expressed milk for 3 months then formula. Looking at them now you would have no clue which was which, but at the time I agonised over it.

If it works, it’s a lovely bonding experience, if it doesn’t it can be another rod to beat yourself with if you let it. There is nothing wrong with bottle feeding, you can still bond and connect with your baby that way. You will know in your heart what’s best for you and your family, do not feel guilty for any decision you make. Fed baby and happy mum is the best combination, however that’s achieved. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

Pack in the breast feeding and don't feel guilty about it.
I was in a similar position to you and cried every time I needed to feed DD. I had bleeding nipples, an abscess, DD was losing weight, she was sick after every feed etc etc, but I felt under so much pressure mostly from myself to carry on.
In the end DH took the decision for me - he came home with everything we needed to bottle feed and it was such a relief that the decision had been taken out of my hands I cried and couldn't thank him enough.
Neither DD nor I looked back from that point and we both thrived. She's now a health 27 year old who has only ever seen the GP for contraception.

Not the same thing I know but when ds was tiny we decided to stick to a well known baby book routine because a close friend swore by it.
It made me and ds totally miserable and didn't suit us at all, but I stuck to it out of a wired sense of pride and frustration and the idea that if I stopped I would have "failed"
When I eventually gave it up, paring it ds was a sheer joy and I look back now and think "WTF did I do??"

I know breastfeeding is not the same but I'm sharing this because I get that same sense from you. You're sticking with breastfeeding despite it being an awful experience, out of sheer determination and a sense of "failure".

The thing is though that if your child is loved and cherished you are absolutely not a failure and should do what works for you as a family.

You’re all totally right. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me ❤I need to work through my feelings on this, I’m not being rational.

Oh lovely, I completely understand your situation and disappointment. Slightly different specifics but the same overall. I was desperate to breastfeed and could not accept it wasn’t working for ages even though my family kept telling me formula was better for everyone in this situation.
My baby is 11 weeks old now and I won’t lie and say I’m over the fact I don’t breastfeed (I still cry when I get asked if I do or I get a lump in my throat when I see someone else BF) but it’s gotten easier and I’m getting happier. It also means I actually get to spend time bonding with my son instead of stressing over pumping.
He also has a milk allergy so formula might have happened anyway!!
Plus there’s the benefit of the fact I get to catch up on sleep whilst his dad or nan feeds him.
I’d say keep going as long as you can. Be proud of what you have done and given to your baby.
I found once we had started the formula it was easier (not easy) to let go of the idea of BF but I get it’s hard even if your logical brain knows you should stop.

I bf both of mine and both early on had top ups due to weight loss.
my second struggled to latch as she had a small mouth and I’d only had 10 weeks off bfing.
if you want to continue you need to put lots of lansinoh on, do lots of skin to skin. Feeding in tHe bath is great as the warm water helps the let down. Any skin to skin is great. Watch tv when feeding works well. Eat and drink loads and then some more. When the baby has grown a bit it gets much easier and ime the lovely bonding moment with breast feeding come much later

Hello,

I’m hoping someone here can help/advise please.

I have a 3 months old baby that has been exclusively BF, although in the late afternoon/evenings I feel I don’t have a enough milk. He has both breasts and doesn’t seem
content. His latch isn’t great either so I don’t think he can reach all the milk. I tried to pump but I don’t get much either.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to increase late afternoon’s milk supply at 3 months? Or is the milk supply already stabilised? Thanks a lot in advance xx

Well done for sticking it out as long as you have. I was in hospital after giving birth to my daughter and for love no money couldn't get her to latch long enough to feed. I was in for days as they wouldn't let me leave until she successfully latched. I had various staff come in and out man handle me and several in the room at once trying to make it work. I felt like an absolute failure I cried so much until I said enough I'm bottle feeding. She's 10 years old now and no different to anyone else who was breast fed. I made the decision with my second daughter not to be put through that again and she is also thriving.

My point is don't feel like a failure or that you HAVE to do it. We all know the benefits but your mental health is more important. If after support it's not working out don't beat yourself up about it just give her a bottle, she will be fine.

Bug hugs to you 🤗

Sorry not bug hugs lol you know what I mean 🤣