Why is breastfeeding so hard??

[Cass00877]

I keep wondering…why is the natural way so difficult?! I imagine animals don’t have latch issues it all seems to happen quite easily and instinctively…and I know some women do find feeding easy but many really don’t. I’m still having battles feeding my second who is 4 months and been so close to just saying sod it and getting formula the last few days as I thought it’d be easier by now. My first had terrible colic so neither has been a smooth journey but I do remember it got to the point maybe around 5 months where it was very easy and I really enjoyed it…but up till that point some days are just so hard! Just a rant really..but did have me wondering are we doing something wrong? Is it because we try too hard to ‘get baby to latch’ and should just do the biological nurturing thing and let them do it themselves? …I’ve tried this too without any success!!

It took me ages to get into the groove with various issues and now at 8 months still ebf and still loving it, but the next challenge will be teeth eeeek! Once we had tongue tie done baby could latch well but reflux and then later silent reflux added some interest along the way! Hope things pick up for you soon. You're doing brilliantly!

Breastfeeding can be bloody horrendous! It took us a good 10 weeks to ok and about 16 before we got the hang of it. Has LO been checked for tongue tie? DS was “borderline”, so was up to us whether to cut it or not (we decided not) but it can be “hidden” if baby is putting in weight etc.

We did have her checked for tongue tie but she was fine…I’m currently cutting out dairy just incase it’s an intolerance to something I’m eating as it seems sporadic..some days it’s ok but then others every feed is a nightmare of back arching, poor latch / slipping on and off, crying etc. Today I’d just had enough but keep reminding myself it does eventually get easier and actually enjoyable!

I hear you OP. I packed in with DC1 at 12 weeks, I thought she had a bottle preference as I was combi-feeding, gradually weaning her on to formula anyway, and I was struggling to get her to latch. One morning I just couldn't get her to latch so didn't try again. In hindsight I don't think this was bottle preference at all but part of the normal fussy phase babies go through at that age, but I didn't know at the time. DC2 I'm still breastfeeding at over 5 months and he was a great feeder for about the first 12 weeks (albeit I suffered with terrible nipple pain/trauma again for all of that time really, gradually improving). Then he was a nightmare to feed when out but fed great at home til he was about 4 months. Then it was terrible feeding all the time except for before bed and in the night. Now he's basically just a huge fussy pain to feed all the time, apart from sometimes in the night. I really really don't like breastfeeding and I would be happy to pack it in now but I also can't be bothered to start making bottles up every night and all that faff that we had with DC1, and he does settle quickly at night after the night feeds whereas he doesn't when he has a bottle in the night. Those are basically the only reasons I'm still continuing.

Because breastfeeding support in the U.K. is generally abysmal.
Midwives do not receive anywhere near enough training to adequately support new mums - through no fault of their own. They can only provide the knowledge they have, and they have been let down by their education providers.
Also, as formula feeding has become more commonplace, we no longer learn through example. Throughout history, women would grow up seeing their mums, sisters, aunts, cousins etc all breastfeeding their babies, and those women were available to show them the ropes when they had their own babies. Majority of people don’t have that kind of knowledge passed through the family anymore! I was the first in my family to even attempt breastfeeding my DCs, probably since my grandmother’s mother. I didn’t have an easy ride with DCs 1 or 2, but by the time I had DC3, I’d cracked it and breastfed for 2.5 years.
The National Breastfeeding Helpline were a godsend for me OP

There is a theory that human baby babies are born relatively early as our brains have become larger but women’s body haven’t matches the change.

There are also plenty of wild animals who don’t survive and farm animals who end up being bottle fed.

Many years ago many babies didn't make it past infanthood, and would die before they were 2. One of the reasons would be that the mother was unable to feed them.

I think with living in our modern society with excellent medicine and BM alternatives we have collectively "forgotten" that we're part of nature and not all offspring would survive normally.

Harsh, I know.

@SecondhandTable this sounds very similar! I’m really not enjoying it at the moment but like you I can’t be bothered getting up to make a bottle in the night! I got to a point with my first where I loved it so I’m hoping that happens eventually …feeding out in public is so tricky and I feel like that makes it quite tying as I worry she’s not feeding properly / at all when out and about and then rush to get home. Get so jealous of other mums of just pop their baby on and there they stay!

Totally agree with all you’ve said here Ringmaster27. I recently became a grandparent and it shocked and saddened me to see how little had changed since I had my babies with regards to the help and support that mums get from the interactions with midwives they encounter. Obviously that’s not every midwife. My grandson wasn’t putting on weight and was in fact losing weight and over that time she was told to hand express and use hand compressions( but was never shown how) to buy a pump (wasn’t shown how to use it either). She was continually asked about wet and dirty nappies but what does that mean to a new mum? How wet how dirty? During the time he was losing weight not once did any midwife say right let’s see you actually feed to make sure there’s not a problem,not once! When her baby cried shortly after birth she and her husband were alone so she tried putting him to the breast and he started sucking. The midwife entered saw she was feeding and said “oh you’re feeding that’s ok then I’ll cancel our feeding support midwife then”!!! Why? Why not take the opportunity to check everything’s ok. Just cos a baby’s sucking doesn’t mean it’s latched properly etc. It’s lazy care. During the time he lost weight they asked if it came to it would she bottle feed of course she said if she really had to. She read her notes later to see the midwife had written”happy to bottlefeed”.
If that’s the sort of guidance new mums are getting is it really any wonder there’s a lot of women who give up. I think it’s absolutely true to say that we don’t live in a society where we see our relations feeding, we have women returning to work a few months after the baby is born and for most continuing to breastfed in those circumstances is just too hard, so women often already have it in their minds they’ll be bottle feeding anyway. More importantly and this is proved by the same questions being asked year after year on mumsnet there is simply not enough information about what is normal where breastfeeding is concerned. I’d guarantee that one of the top three questions on mumsnet would be “My baby’s feeding all the time” or “my baby’s feeding all the time so I don’t think I have enough milk”. How long would it take every midwife in the country to simply say, There will be times where you’ll lose confidence because the baby will be feeding seemingly nonstop but this is all totally normal and it’s not about a shortage of milk it’s actually to ensure there will be enough milk, at least explain why babies are feeding like this and why it’s so important that that happens. Milk supply issues are incredibly rare!

At the end of the day I just don’t think we’re prepared enough for what breastfeeding is. We have to throw out this idea that breastfeeding is similar to bottle feeding, it’s not. It’s about feeding and drinking and comfort and making a bond with a parent it’s completely reliant on. For our bodies to work in unison with our babies ( which absolutely happens if we encouraged to allow it) we have to keep them close, allow them to suck and feed all they can, in the beginning. It’s how it’s supposed to be.

It’s something I feel very strongly about and the main reason for that is that I used to be a midwife and I breastfed two babies before becoming one andI had the same problems women talk about here. When I had my third I was already a midwife and simply having the knowledge about breastfeeding made the world of difference. I suffered mastitis with the first two got really sore it was awful, but it didn’t happen with the third because I was able to apply the knowledge I’d learned as a midwife. So I know it all comes down to that.
Midwives have this knowledge but they are not passing it on sufficiently or efficiently and often enough and either don’t have the time or enthusiasm to take every opportunity they can to teach.

@Duracellbunnywannabe

There is a theory that human baby babies are born relatively early as our brains have become larger but women’s body haven’t matches the change.

Absolutely correct. If we had baby humans who were as advanced as other mammals we’d have to carry babies for two years!!! Clearly we’re not adapted for that. Some day were basically all having premature mammals and it’s why human babies are so totally reliant on us.

[quote Cass00877]@SecondhandTable this sounds very similar! I’m really not enjoying it at the moment but like you I can’t be bothered getting up to make a bottle in the night! I got to a point with my first where I loved it so I’m hoping that happens eventually …feeding out in public is so tricky and I feel like that makes it quite tying as I worry she’s not feeding properly / at all when out and about and then rush to get home. Get so jealous of other mums of just pop their baby on and there they stay![/quote]
Yes, well at least be reassured you're not the only one! Although mine is honestly a really fussy feeder almost all the time now even at home. One thing that has helped me is offering less, he easily goes 3-4hrs before he's even remotely interested in feeding anyway so that saves me some stress like. Also because of this it means I have more control over where I feed too, so I can go somewhere that I feel bit more comfortable like the other day in town I went to a feeding room in a department store etc. When he was younger I wouldn't have bothered, but now I feel sooo exposed and uncomfortable feeding with his constant on-off fussing. Plus, given he feeds less it's not too disruptive to find somewhere comfortable to feed. He never really feeds more than 5 mins each side even then really (apart from sometimes in the night or before bed). Interested to hear when you got to the 'loving it' stage with your first?? I would love for that to happen but I just can't imagine it! I've never liked breastfeeding, definitely never felt some amazing bond from it like others talk about hah.

@Duracellbunnywannabe

There is a theory that human baby babies are born relatively early as our brains have become larger but women’s body haven’t matches the change.

I read about this, and the article I read put the larger heads down to more C-sections.

It isn't that hard for everyone, but it does seem to be hard for the majority in our culture - around 2/3 of people experience difficulty breastfeeding.

I honestly believe our cultural norms get in the way - bottle feeding is the cultural norm and that means that for the majority of people:

• We're unused to seeing breastfed babies. Many women will never have seen a baby breastfeed before they have their own.

• Our mothers, sisters, grandmothers and even midwives and health visitors and GPs, more so the older they are, are more likely to have bottle fed than breastfed, or only breastfed for a short amount of time if at all. This means that they are used to bottle-fed baby behaviour and norms and might be unfamiliar with breastfeeding behaviours.

• If you've ever fed a baby in your life, you (obviously) would have bottle fed them. If you had a baby doll as a child, you were probably given a plastic feeding bottle for it.

• We're used to the positions for holding babies to bottle feed them, which can cause pain/discomfort/poor latch when breastfeeding. Poor latch can cause pain and low milk transfer which can cause weight gain issues or supply and demand problems.

• We are used to the idea of bottle fed feeding patterns - consistent amounts every few hours - the variable nature of breastfeeding can feel uncontrolled and like something is wrong. This can cause doubt. It can cause family members to express doubts. Culturally we like babies to be "in a routine". However, routine-feeding breastfed babies can cause an imbalance in supply and demand.

• We are used to the idea of being able to measure input when bottle feeding. The unknown input of breastfeeding can feel scary. We may not know how to judge whether breastfeeding input is sufficient. We can learn this but we need to seek the information out, it is not always explained.

• Due to lack of knowledge about how supply and demand works, and lack of knowledge from those around us, normal things like milk not coming in for the first few days, difference between softness and hardness in breasts, leaking or not etc and presumptions based on how bottles work (e.g. the breast needs to "fill up") can cause alarm and worries about supply.

• Doubts about supply caused by the previous things, or general anxiety, or unhelpful comments from family members can lead to unnecessary supplementation with formula which can mess with supply and demand.

• HCPs turn to formula supplementation very fast in cases of weight/blood sugar problems, when not well supported this can lead to problems with supply and demand.

• We are not familiar enough with latch to be able to recognise a good one. Many health care professionals are not either, even if they are supposedly trained to do so. Not all health care professionals know how to help you adjust latch. And because you probably don't have anybody trained/experienced with you at home, even if you do get good advice on latch this might not help once you've left hospital and are on your own with the baby. Surrounding yourself with images of good latches (social media) and other breastfeeding mums (support groups) can help, but you have to know these things exist and seek them out, they are not an automatic part of society.

• We don't have good knowledge about what's normal in breastfeeding. Is it supposed to hurt? Is it supposed to hurt like that? Should I just push on through it? Am I doing it right? How long should the baby feed? How often? Why are they fussy? When should we seek help? We can learn these things but we have to seek them out. When these questions come up after birth we might not always get a knowledgable answer because most people do not have good knowledge or much experience with breastfeeding. We might even get different answers from different people, which is confusing and stressful.

So in summary, due to cultural norms not supporting breastfeeding, small problems do not get noticed, meaning they may turn into larger problems. Sometimes doubts or worries are introduced unnecessarily which can lead to interventions like top ups or restricting feed lengths which can cause problems in themselves.

And this is on top of issues that might happen anyway even in a fully supportive society - for example tongue tie (which might be exacerbated by taking folic acid in pregnancy, but we don't know) and thanks to medical advances, more babies are surviving who would not have survived in the past, and more women are having children who would have been unable to in the past. There is a link for example between PCOS and reduced milk supply - this might be the case for other fertility-affecting conditions.

Nature is not kind and does not need a 100% or even a 90% infant survival rate for survival of a species. In the past infant mortality was higher, and though a lot of this was due to disease, some causes would have been nutrition related, in fact this is where the term "failure to thrive" comes from, which is still used.

@BertieBotts really well said! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there…with my first daughter I had so many comments from my mum and mother in law that made me doubt myself and things like ‘oh she’ll soon drop the 10pm feed’ ..I was like ‘what 10pm feed there’s no schedule?’ Or ‘give her a bottle of formula before bed to fill her up more’ etc. my mum raised concerns about my feeding daily with my first, she was genuinely just not convinced breastfeeding was enough. My first was a 98% centile chunk so I was a bit bewildered!

I do wish we / I lived in a different culture in this respect. To me it goes hand in hand with views on cosleeping and ‘training’ babies.

Yes absolutely, those things also tie into bottle feeding culture.

Animals might no get stressed over feeding issues like we do, but for most animals a baby that's no able to latch would be the runt of the litter and probably die quite quickly. Likewise a wild animal that didn't produce enough milk would not be able to keep any baby alive long. As human observers we are unlikely to see animals struggling to feed, as without intervention the baby animals in this situation would not live long enough to be seen.

I think people forget how absolutely brutal nature can be when they shout about how great it is to do things the 'natural' way. Same as the 'natureral birth' crowd foget about the high maternal mortality rates of the past.

Yes, this - nature is brutal!!! You only have to watch the BBC programmes! Luckily we have modern medicine (painkillers, surgical intervention, alternative forms of nutrition and pathways like bottles and feeding tubes etc.). I am very thankful for this, otherwise I would not be here, nor would my children!!

@Sprogonthetyne

Animals might no get stressed over feeding issues like we do, but for most animals a baby that's no able to latch would be the runt of the litter and probably die quite quickly. Likewise a wild animal that didn't produce enough milk would not be able to keep any baby alive long. As human observers we are unlikely to see animals struggling to feed, as without intervention the baby animals in this situation would not live long enough to be seen.

I think people forget how absolutely brutal nature can be when they shout about how great it is to do things the 'natural' way. Same as the 'natureral birth' crowd foget about the high maternal mortality rates of the past.

This times 1,000. Knowing that if we were animals in the wild, my baby would have died was weirdly hard for me to get over during my own breastfeeding struggles.

I'm combi feeding now and I do think more support would have helped definitely as my midwives had really unscientific, outdated knowledge, but unfortunately I do just think it was never meant to be for me and breastfeeding, at least full breastfeeding. I imagine that's the case for a significant minority of women too.

Firstly, nature is brutal, and a large proportion of infant animals die as babies.

Secondly, I believe there is some connection with folic acid and tongue tie, so whilst its great for reducing NTD's, and is totally worth it, it may make feeding more tricky.

I think sometimes we can overthink it as well. Animals have no books, ot lactation consultants. Some may have seen family members breastfeed (especially primates) but many will be going on instinct alone. I wonder whether humans are so 'developed' now that some of our instincts have been surpressed.

Weirdly, I accidentally breastfed. As I didn't want to do it, I didnt read anything about it, didn't attend classes, had zero 'support'. No one in my family breastfed. Baby insisted, refused bottles, and I ended up feeding her for 3 years. She just took what she wanted, and I was very passive in it all. From what I know of animals, in many its the baby not the mum that initiate feeding/latching etc, and if the baby can't, then it sadly dies.

- Our mothers, sisters, grandmothers and even midwives and health visitors and GPs, more so the older they are, are more likely to have bottle fed than breastfed, or only breastfed for a short amount of time if at all. This means that they are used to bottle-fed baby behaviour and norms and might be unfamiliar with breastfeeding behaviours
I think this is a big part of the problem. Women have no idea what to expect or have unrealistic expectations (see recent threads on newborns who are "too clingy") and don't have a support network of other women who have breastfed to help them.

@Sprogonthetyne

Animals might no get stressed over feeding issues like we do, but for most animals a baby that's no able to latch would be the runt of the litter and probably die quite quickly. Likewise a wild animal that didn't produce enough milk would not be able to keep any baby alive long. As human observers we are unlikely to see animals struggling to feed, as without intervention the baby animals in this situation would not live long enough to be seen.

I think people forget how absolutely brutal nature can be when they shout about how great it is to do things the 'natural' way. Same as the 'natureral birth' crowd foget about the high maternal mortality rates of the past.

This. In nature, animals that struggle (baby or mother) die quickly. Eg 60% of hyena cubs die. And I think all octopus mothers die?

I used to google this stuff at 2am when I was seething with “How can humans not have this figured out?!”

Good luck OP it is about to get so much easier and you have already done SO well.

From what I know of animals, in many its the baby not the mum that initiate feeding/latching etc, and if the baby can't, then it sadly dies.

Yes, this has reminded me of when you see lambs in the fields running up to their mothers very aggressively latching on for feeding 🤣 always makes me chuckle