Feeling totally overwhelmed by breastfeeding!

[Mads199]

I am a first time mum and DD is only 6 days old, and my god I was naive about how challenging breastfeeding was going to be! I actually have it quite lucky as well because DD has a great latch and she feeds constantly so I don’t get too engorged, she had only lost 1% of her weight from birth at our 5 day checkup so in terms of the breastfeeding itself, it’s going really well, I just feel already close to breaking point with how exhausting I find it all!

She feeds through the night and won’t go to sleep anywhere but in mine or DH’s arms or in our bed. I try to take shifts with DH when it comes to sleeping, but she is wanting to cluster feed from around 12am - 5am so really in that time she will just scream with DH and he can’t settle her without me putting her on the boob. I’ve opted for laying down with her in a side lying nursing position and letting her fall asleep next to me in bed whilst feeding, but I’m so nervous about co sleeping so I stay awake - that said, I’m not sure I’ll have a choice soon? I’ve tried to transfer her to her bedside crib many times but she’s just not ready yet, which I totally understand, but I’m finding it very tricky. I also have had a c section so it’s a lot to be taking her in and out of her crib constantly!

Basically I’m just exhausted and I can’t see a way around it, I know it’s such early days and all of this is completely normal behaviour, but I’m definitely struggling with it a lot if I’m honest. It’s making me want to throw in the towel with breastfeeding but it seems a shame to do that when the feeding itself is going well (and much cheaper option which we need!)

Does anybody have any suggestions at all for dealing with the exhaustion in these circumstances? I’m guessing it’s kind of just riding it out right? Should I just embrace co sleeping and just do it as safely as possible? Or maybe I should try pumping and doing a bottle feed before bed? (But it’s quite early for that and I don’t want to mess up my supply)

I so want to appreciate these days as she’s so tiny and gorgeous and I do love the cuddles, but I also don’t want to become resentful to DH for being able to sleep whilst I feed and cry all night because I’m just so tired! Sorry to moan, I guess I might just need a hand hold and some reassurance that I can do this and it will pass…

This too shall pass and it’s normal for you to feel like this and also normal for her to be like this too. Read up about the fourth trimester and about what kind of mammals we are versus other mammals like deer and rabbits who breastfeed but are designed to feed and leave (put down) babies whereas we are carry mammals like orangutans who feed all the time and carry their babies attached to them at all times. Society treats mums like we are the former type of mammal when we are the latter.
Get some treats- nice snacks and a box set to watch while you feed feed feed. Sleep when you can- if you can get the first half of the evening eg 6-10pm to sleep if she will
Settle on dh or anyone else then take that- same for napping during the day and co sleeping. Follow the safe sleep guidelines and just prioritise sleep and resting and see BFing as a way to ensure you sit down or lie down to recover from your birth.
It doesn’t last forever, it just bloody feels like it sometimes. But you’re doing an amazing job and it sounds like you are both naturals at this. Join yummy mummy breastfeeding support on Facebook etc and find your tribe. ❤️

Congratulations for your daughter and for doing so well with breastfeeding. 1% weight loss is brilliant, so well done.

The first couple of weeks of breastfeeding can feel totally overwhelming and relentless, exactly as you describe. In my experience (as a midwife and a mum of two) it's completely normal for pretty much all babies to have their days and nights switched in the early weeks, and to want to cluster feed for long periods through the night. Breastfeeding is really hard work because you can feel like it's all on you. Her cluster feeding is totally normal - she's establishing her milk supply for the coming weeks.

My advice is to try to get as much rest and sleep during the day as possible when your daughter will hopefully be a little calmer. Your partner needs to help as much as possible - changing nappies, getting your meals and drinks sorted, making sure you're taking your painkillers regularly and taking baby out for walks in the pram to let you get your head down for an hour or so.

You will get through it! Sleep deprivation is so hard. I remember feeling like I was going to die because of having no sleep, but hopefully after another few days or a week or so baby will start to sleep slightly longer between feeds.

Keep yourself well hydrated and try and eat as well as possible and continue to take a multivitamin too to help your body recover.

You’re doing a fantastic job. Switching to formula may not help, I was told in hospital that formula feeding parents actually get slightly less sleep in the first few weeks. Newborns feed often whatever method you use and formula requires getting up to make it and not falling asleep while you give the bottle.
Read up on safer co-sleeping guidelines. You’re probably going to start falling asleep while she’s at night. Don’t fell guilty about this, being massively sleep deprived can also be dangerous, and besides, how are you supposed to avoid falling asleep when you’re that tired? It’s much safer to fall asleep feeding in bed in a good co-sleeping set up that accidentally fall asleep sitting up feeding or on a sofa or chair. Reduce the risks as much as you can and then relax and sleep.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Get DH to take baby out for a half an hour/an hour in between daytime feeds to give you the chance to powernap.

Well done and it will get easier I promise you :)

Can you try and encourage cluster feeding earlier in the evening and see if she will sleep more at night that way? E.g. if she's sleeping a lot early evening, wake her regularly for feeding, or don't even wake her per se just keep trying to put her to the breast to see if she will feed. If she cluster feeds earlier chances are she will sleep more later. Obviously this might not work though if she's in a very deep sleep and just not interested!

Lots of sunlight/daylight in the day and darkness/dim lighting/little interaction at night. It can take awhile for them to learnt the difference between night and day, not sure if this stuff helps but won't do any harm!

We introduced a bottle of EBM for a night feed at 2 weeks with DC1 and 1 week with DC2 but I was lucky in that both of mine cluster fed earlier and then slept reasonable blocks throughout the night in their own crib. So what I would do is cluster feed until they were down for the night, then at the first night wake DH would give a bottle. We just did one bottle in the first week of it, two bottles in the second week of it, 3 bottles in the third week of it and we've stuck to those 3 bottles with DC2 who is 5m old. Though he mostly has formula for it now as I cba to pump anymore really.

Also one thing I didn't learn for ages with DC1 is that loads of the time newborns are attached to you and sucking but they are asleep. They are sucking in their sleep and not taking milk in. Once I realised this I would gently unlatch baby after about 30 mins of feeding to test. If they were not asleep they will wriggle and look for the breast so I'd just latch them on to the other side. If they were asleep...well, they were asleep. So I'd put them down in their crib to sleep. Might be worth a try?

You need to try and rest in day when she's asleep. It is a horrible few weeks being so sleep deprived. I also cried and resented DH sleeping soundly. I remember it getting to about 5pm and I just would be dreading the evening coming. Keep breastfeeding. You're doing brilliantly!

My daughter is on week four and baby is just getting to the stage where he takes plenty of milk at each feed. She has started getting 4 hours between feeds at night. She wraps the baby up quite tightly before she puts him in his crib and thinks that may also be helping. They are still so new everything is try it out and see if it works at the moment. Good luck I’m sure you and baby will soon sort out your own routine.

You're doing really well! If she's cluster feeding 12-5am then try to give her to DH as much as you can before that so you can get some sleep/give her to him after 5am so you can get a few hours before he starts work. You could introduce a bottle so you get a more solid chunk but there are risks that it could undermine breastfeeding. That said, I mix fed in that way and breastfeeding the rest of the time was completely fine so it isn't a given - it's your choice. Swaddling really helped with my DD, I was actually able to put her down when asleep that way!)

With DD1 I started bed sharing around the same time as you. Not planed. But felt I did it out of necessity.

DD2 planned to do it from day 1. She was born at 7:50pm. By 11pm we were at home in bed.

Yes, it takes a bit of getting used to. But I got so much more sleep this way.

It is very overwhelming and constant at first but your experience sounds normal. My first was also had a baby who wouldn’t be put down so I ended up co sleeping with her. It only lasted 3 months or so until she was gradually happier to do longer stretches in the Moses basket. But I’m not sure how I would have got any sleep otherwise. The cluster feeding in the later evening will lessen in a week or so as well. It’s so, so hard when you’re in it but it does get easier.

Just settling in for my long night/ morning shift with DD on the boob and and reading all of your lovely responses! Thank you so much for the encouragement and also for some of the suggestions, I really do appreciate it

How are you doing op? I'm breastfeeding my 3 day old right now. You're not alone

@firstimemamma I have DD strewn across my chest in a deep sleep, DH snoring away beside me, and I’m watching ‘is it cake’ on Netflix! Two more hours and then I’ll wake up DH to take over and hopefully the little lady with oblige

how are you holding up at this ungodly hour?!

Fantastic that feeding is going well and that you know it’s “normal”. But my, it’s crazy hard isn’t it.

Yes, you will never feel so tired but this bit goes fast (I mean, right now, 2-3am will feel like it’s taking about 36789 hours, so it doesn’t feel like it). Right now baby is putting orders into your breasts to get the milk up. After a few days there will feel like positive changes. And right now a few days feels like a lifetime - and it is; it’s your baby’s lifetime - but it will get so much better and easier to manage.

And, if you want to, there is no reason baby can’t have a tiny bit of formula (or switch to formula) if that’s what you’d like to give you a couple more hours sleep. Yes, it can disrupt your supply but many many babies get topped off and mixed fed and breastfeeding continues anyway.

@Mads199
Solidarity! It's the toughest thing ever & I don't feel you're ever truly prepared for it! (I wasn't anyway - I naively thought because we are 'designed' for this, it will be easy!) But honestly, it will pass and the day will come where breastfeeding is just so convenient and straight forward. Oh and I promise you will sleep again at normal times! I used to feel so lonely in the middle of the night - it's very overwhelming and you do feel it's all on you! My only piece of advice is to sleep when you can (even if you're just shutting your eyes for 30 minutes, it all helps!) and definitely look into safe co sleeping. It may or may not be for you long term but if you're all set up for it, then it makes things a little easier if you're struggling with the sleep deprivation. You're doing brilliantly & congratulations on your little girl this too shall pass!

Can you lie your little one on a used t shirt you've worn? Smellier the better! Or put it on your hubby, It might trick her into thinking it's you. Worth a try.

You sound like you are doing fantastic by the way. I remember the turmoil of not sleeping and because I was so tired I thought it would be like that forever, obviously I can see now I wasn't thinking straight and it honestly will get better. You get to spend extra time with her this way.

All sounds very normal. I'd get lots of snacks in and prepare to lay and feed as much as need! Try to sleep where you can, my son would sleep from about 8-12 so I would sleep from about 7pm and let dh put ds to bed. I also expressed and froze milk, once breast feeding was established dh started giving him a expressed bottle at midnight so I'd get a bit longer usually around 2am so I was getting 6/7 hours but then up loads in night.

I'm in the same boat OP. At the moment I'm sleeping from 9.30pm-12am each night then again from 5-9am ish. DH takes the baby during those times and gives him expressed breast milk or formula if he needs it.

It will start to get easier quite soon as your baby's tummy grows and can hold more milk - the stretches of sleep get longer and you may find it easier to put her down too. That was my experience with my first baby anyway.

Good luck! It's brutal but it's not forever, it gets better I promise!

You are doing a brilliant job. It's SO tough.

You need to accept that you aren't really going to get much sleep at night time and take whatever sleep you can get during the day. I promise you you will adjust and it gets so much easier. I am 14m in and so glad i persevered!

Snacks, water, an iPad, comfy cushions, just curl up and feed and sleep whenever and wherever you can if someone can take baby for an hour or two.

My baby didn't take a bottle or dummy ever so I know how tough it is. But it is so so worth it!

The cluster feeding will end just keep baby on the boob all the time as it'll help build your supply.

Good luck x x x

Well done OP. Yes I would try to co sleep safely. You will manage a lot better doing this.

I was the same did not want to cosleep but my daughter wouldn't sleep longer for 5 minutes without me holding her so it was the only way.

Oh and co sleeping saved my life. I was too scared to do it too about 4 months with my first but with my second it'll be from birth I imagine.

The first six weeks are brutal!! My DD screamed if anyone but me held her for the first four months. I only put her down to pee and that was evidently hugely traumatic.
For us a good sling in the day and cosleeping at night got us through. At 18 months she is now completely her dads and has refused to sleep anywhere but her cot since 8 months with no persuasion from us.
Do what you need to do as safely as you can (there's guidance on safe co sleeping) and be reassured you aren't forming bad habits while they're so tiny.

Congratulations

Also. In a few weeks it will be absolutely golden to have established breastfeeding and not have to be planning and preparing bottles and equipment for every trip. Just get through this bit and you have the magic cure to all upset and food on tap it's brilliant!
I will mention that I was forced to combination feed due to weight loss and supply issues which was one of the reasons she was SO clingy in the early days but even if you end up combi feeding I would recommend holding onto the breastfeeding relationship rather than switching completely if you can.

As a PP has said, kepp the days light and nights as dark as you can. Show a good day/night distinction as some babies really need this.

Hang in there, its really really hard I know. You could always try and express a little bottle- they feed so regularly it might help you

Congratulations OP!
It's definitely about riding it out and will get so much better in a few weeks time! Shifts with DH for sleeping is the right idea, just arrange the shifts as they work best (eg he sleeps 12-5 and you sleep a few hours before that and after?) And co-sleeping might get easier over time too (ie you getting more sleep during it).

Beware that weirdly stopping breastfeeding is often thrown around as the seemingly obvious solution to ANY baby issue. Baby not sleeping? Stop BF. Baby only wants mummy? Must be BF. Baby is a fussy eater? It's BF fault. It's a weird anti-BF discourse. What you're going through at the moment definitely sounds very hard (it will get easier, I promise!!!) but why does it raise the question about stopping BF? How would that actually help- your baby would still have the exact same needs for closeness and comfort and you couldn't even whip out a boob anymore or side-lie feeding at night, AND would have to faff with sterilising bottles in a sleep-deprived state! Especially as BF is actually going very well by the sounds of it, I definitely wouldn't give it up- your DD is getting the exact comfort from it that she needs right now!