Feel so guilty for stopping breastfeeding

[loulou1980]

Hi, i'm a first-time poster here so bear with me! Could be a long one!

Bit of background. My name's Lou, I'm 27, married with 2 children, a daughter of 6 years old and a son of 2 weeks. I have today made the decision to stop breastfeeding my son; I only actually set out to do it for a couple of weeks anyway (wehile my partner was on paternity leave) so I have succeeded in that. However, I have a history of depression related to hormonal changes (can't take the pill or implanon, etc. as they make me a basket case; get bad pmt sometimes - since i had the implanon i might add).

Well, the baby blues passed in the usual way, then yesterday and today i've felt really low, not helped by the fact that i'm really getting about 3 or 4 hours sleep a night, what with the school run and everything. Then everyone says "sleep when the baby sleeps", but my baby doesn't sleep much during the day, til the evening when my daughter is here and hubby's at work, so i can hardly sleep then. I don't have a lot of support; my mam dies when i was 6 and i have no family in the area. Got lots of friends, but they all have their own lives to lead.

My husband works 12-hour shifts, but he does get days off during the week when he cud do the night feeds, letting me get some sleep. I want to be a great mam to my son as i have been to my daughter (only bf her for 5 days and was so glad to stop - touch wood, she's very healthy, happy and intelligent). I am enjoying the physical closeness of bf, and my son looks so happy when he's doing it, but i know i need my sleep or i'll crack up. I've been topping him up with formula from his third night at home where he was screaming for milk but my breasts were empty.

I know in my heart that it's the right thing for me any my family; like i say, it's done my daughter no harm to be bottle fed almost from the start, but I feel SO guilty, like the worst mother in the world. Can't stop crying.

Just wondered if anyone has any words of advice or reassurance for me? My stepmum is great, but she's pretty anti bf (not big in the 60s when she had her kids). I just keep thinking, how come other people can do it and i can't? If he was my only one it wouldn't be a problem but i've got my beautiful daughter to think about, and i've done nothing but snap at her for the last 2 days cos i'm so tired. I guess what i'm looking for is someone to tell me i'm not a bad mam

Cheers,

Louxxx

Hi guys,

I saw my midwife this morning, told her how i was feeling, she was going to sign me off today but is coming out for another visit on sunday now. Told me not to feel guilty, that i have given my son the very best start in life with his two weeks of breast milk, and that he is thriving (has put on another 7ozs in a week!) so i must have done something rite! Made me feel a bit better, tho i still feel like a bit of a failure. As is said, if he was my only one i would have continued, but i need to be compus mentus for both of my children - i'm no use to either of them exhausted and miserable! Had a good cry last nite after his last breastfeed, i'm really going to miss it terribly. But i was getting no sleep, and i don't do very well without it!

She said because of my previous depressions always being linked to a hormonal upheaval in my body that i must be more aware that it could happen again, but that she thinks i should feel better once i get a few good night's kip. I hope so!

Gonna get off, baba's asleep so gonna try grab an hour before the school run!

Again, thankyou so much for all of your supportive messages, they've really helped me thru this difficult time.

Merry Christmas!

Lou
xxx

kb, you ask "out of interest, why do health visitors and certain newborn experts with famous books (think we're still not allowed to say her name?!) harp on about breastfeeding mums having toast AND cereal for breakfast, and more substantial meals than normal, if it's not about quality of milk???"

The answer is because they do not understand much abiout breastfeeding."

Yes - and probably because they've been brainwashed by formula marketing materials which go to great lengths to highlight the issue of the diet of bf mothers. Every formula company leaflet on feeding I've ever seen flags this issue up - stresses 'the importance of eating a balanced, nutritious diet' while you are breastfeeding. One C&G leaflet I mentioned on another thread even says 'whatever you eat your baby gets first' - which is clearly total and utter b*llocks.

Why do formula companies go on and on about the importance of a mother's diet when she's bf? Because they know that many women in this country worry about their diets and don't eat as well as they should, particularly during the postnatal period. If they can undermine women's confidence in the quality of their breastmilk then it acts as encouragement to these mums to turn to formula in response to problems with their baby in the early postnatal period.

Lou - great that you are feeling OK. Well done you.

Sabire and Tiktok thanks for your illuminating thoughts on the relationship between lactating mothers and the need for them to eat well (or just eat normally!).

In case it is of interest I went to the UNICEF website, which has put my mind at ease on the subject:

from www.unicef.org/nutrition/index_24825.html

"Related maternal nutrition

It is important to ensure a mother's own health since she is clearly a vital part of the mother-infant feeding twosome, or dyad. Supporting breastfeeding means caring for her as well as for her infant. The mother's nutrition affects her health, energy and well-being.

The breastfeeding mother should eat about 500 additional calories more each day than before she was pregnant. It is best that these calories come as part of a normal, healthy diet, with adequate protein, vitamins and minerals. Foods rich in iron, calcium, vitamin A, and folic acid are recommended, with iodized salt. Special and expensive foods are not necessary.

In other words, a mother needs an extra share of the best foods available to the family, just as she did in pregnancy. She needs these foods right through two years of breastfeeding, not just in the first months.

If a mother is moderately malnourished, she will continue to make milk of good quality, better than infant formula. If she is severely malnourished, the quantity of breastmilk produced for each feeding may be diminished. In both cases, for the health of the mother and the child, it is safer and better to feed the mother adequately while helping her to continue breastfeeding.

When supplies of food or vitamin supplements are available it is best to give them to the breastfeeding mother rather than the infant. This will improve the mother's health and well-being, ensure adequate vitamins in her milk, and protect the infant from the risks of artificial feeding.

The mother's dietary intake will not generally increase how much breastmilk she can produce in a day. Her nutritional status before and during pregnancy are important for milk content, but generally only of marginal impact since her body will ensure that the breastmilk receives the available vitamins and minerals. If a mother is concerned whether she is giving her baby enough milk, this can be assessed by ensuring that the infant is urinating at least 5-7 times a day, and producing stool according to age and diet. The mother should know that eating enough of the available foods, increasing variety when possible, and increasing the frequency of breastfeeding, day and night, will support and increase her breastmilk production."

Good old UNICEF.

loulou - there are a lot of us out here who stopped bf before we really wanted to, mainly due to lack of support. You will inevitably feel guilty and it can take a while for it to go (just check out some of the recent posts) but it will pass and you will feel much better about it. You're a great mum however you feed your baby. It's hard with a dh working shifts and another young dc demanding your attention. I really hope you start to feel better soon. Good luck.

Dear Loulou and exeryone else on this thread...having read all the posts here I have finally been able to cast out my demons and feel good about my decision to opt for sanity and enjoy my gorgeous little boy by introducing formula feeds after 7 days of hard slog.

My son was born by c/s, 10lb and was feeding CONSTANTLY by day 3, I was barely able to get dressed by 2pm. All I could get when I expressed using both hand expression and the Medela pump was 25-30 ml. I also drank fennel tea and took Fenugreek capsules and Motilium. I expressed after feeding to try to get supply up and then expressed 3 hourly after introducing formula which was exhausting.

My baby is now 5 weeks old and I am still expressing 5-6 hourly and only getting 50ml per time which I store up and he gets it as a treat in the evening. He takes 200ml/7oz per feed so I only get enough for one feed per day.

Having spoken to friends about the difficulty I was having, it seemed to open a Pandora's box and friends who I thought were breastfeeding paragons admitted to saying that they were exclusively br/feeding when they weren't because they felt like social outcasts.

I also found it difficult to come to terms with the br/feeding not working out but am now relieved that I could see fit to introduce formula and not put myself and the baby through any more stress, baby crying...mummy crying...not a pleasant experience!1

Anyway Lou, if you really are not ready to let go completely, could you borrow a pump and express a wee drop to add to bottles? The psychological benefit of this was really helpful to me. I'm not under any pressure to produce the full amount and I feel that he is getting a wee added extra.

Sometimes no matter what you do, it just doesn't work out and the fact that I am a midwife didn't mean that things were going to be rosy in the garden for me either!

Hope you feel ok about your decision, you've done all that any loving mother would do. xx

Hi geminigirl,

Tnankyou so much darl for your lovely kind message to me. Although we know from a biological point of view the many benefits of breastfeeding, it is unfortunately not always ideal for the mother. My son is now exclusively ff, and sinking 5-6oz at a time. He seems to have developed his own 4-hourly routine as well, which is great as it means i get to spend some precious time with my little girl in between feeds when (at the moment!) he is asleep for most of the time!

Last night my husband did all of the night feeds so i could get a good night's sleep, and i must admit i feel much better for it. Even been up to sorting out some Christmas stuff today!

I fully support any mother who chooses to bf, ff, mixed feed or anything in between. I hope when my daughter grows up that i can support her in any way i can (at times like this i sorely miss my mam!, ditto any partner my son has. I'll be round all the time, cleaning up etc.!

I sometimes think that all the emphasis on bf can cause real problems for those who can't / choose not to. There are many children in the world being mistreated in so many ways it breaks my heart, so really bf is the least of our worries isn't it? I think just as much importance needs to be given to a child's emotional wellbeing and that of their parents, siblings etc.

My daughter is (touch wood) a very lively, well-nourished, sweet child, at the top of her class in school, and we have a great relationship. when i had her 6 years ago i didn't feel the pressure to bf that i do now, and did not feel guilty when i stopped after 5 days (was relieved!) It does not make us bad mothers that we don't breastfeed; bad mothers neglect, abuse and exploit their children, we love ours dearly and do what's best, not only for them, but for ourselves and the rest of our family. Although i still feel guilty about stopping, this is fading day by day, and my son is thriving so far. I know i have given him the very best start by bf him for 2 weeks, and if i ever had another child i would try it again without hesitation (unlikely being as my husband's gettin the snip!) It just wasn't right for us at this time.

I'm surprised at your friends worries; i'm the only one in my group of friends who's even tried bf! It is certainly not the norm where i live; i came across a lot of bemused faces when i told people i was doing it! As i mentioned in my earlier post, there is a bf support group at my local children's centre but it's stoppin cos no-one attends it.

Us mums need to stick together; we get enough criticism as it is (staying at home/ going to work; breast v. bottle; disposables vs. real, etc. etc.)

Merry Christmas!

Lou
xxx

Very good post loulou, glad your guilt is fading - it should be!

only read op so bear with me.

you say you need to give up bf to get sleep (i assume you mean so dh can do night feeds.) is expressing a possibility? or if you can't get any milk out by expressing what about just giving formula at night so your dh can do the feeds but bf the rest of the time. at 3 days your milk may not have come up. you just need to let the baby keep sucking to help it on it's way. by giving formula top ups you are actually making it harder to build up a good supply for your ds.

oh also if your ds seems to be downing the bottles really quickly it is not necessarily because he is starving it is cos it is different to bf in that they don't have to work to get the milk out so it can be a bit of a shock to them cos the flow is much faster and they appear to be gobbling it down as if they are starving.