Still struggling with breastfeeding guilt

[mummyof2littleones]

My baby is 9 weeks old now and was breastfed for the first month but I stopped as baby wasn't gaining weight as she should've been and I was advised that I wasn't producing enough milk for her. I didn't receive a great deal of support from professionals, despite asking the community midwife and health visitor for help. They were obviously concerned about my baby's weight too and both suggested formula feeding instead. We slowly transitioned to bottle feeding and our baby girl is now gaining weight brilliantly and seems very happy and healthy which is the most important thing. However I feel as though I am struggling to get past the guilt of my body letting her down. I have thought about trying to relactate and go down the combi feeding route, but I'm terrified of my little girl dropping weight and not getting enough nutrition from me again. Does anyone else have similar experiences and any advice on how to move past the guilt?
Thank you in advance.

Hi OP, just bumping this one for you in the hope that someone will be able to help.

Yes I had an identical situation on both children. On my second I was readmitted to the ward when he was a week old to try to relactate. On my first I pumped round the clock for six months, even into the night. I felt awful, really awful.

However I gave him what little I could pump, I softened the transition (in my mind) by accepting donated milk from the human milk for human babies facebook group, and I used an organic, British made formula. All of these things somehow made me feel I was trying to do my best for him and I slowly felt better, though PND had me suicidal for a while there.

When you are cuddling and kissing and smiling at your baby, tell yourself that she is drawing just as much nutrition from your love as she would from your breastmilk.

I even tried one of those stick on boob pipes. That's how guilty I felt!

I went down the same path. I tried really, really hard to BF but it wasn't successful and we completely switched to formula at 8 weeks. I think I felt a pang every time I looked at a breastfeeding woman for 6 months but it did fade.

Your body hasn’t let her down. She is still getting the nutrients she needs. Breastfeeding is great if it works. If it doesn’t, formula is also great.
I had to give up with dc1 because she wasn’t gaining weight. Dc2 on the other hand refused to drink anything but breast milk from source until she was 2.
I wish I hadn’t felt so guilt over dc1. It’s a small time. Once they start nursery, school etc no one asks or cares.
Can you tell which of your friends were breastfed?

Thank you for all of your lovely replies!

I have done the same as you PP; I did my research and found a UK made milk that doesn't contain any palm or fish oils and my little girl is very happy and thriving on it thankfully.
I think with her (probably) being our last baby, I put a lot of pressure on myself to give us that rosy breastfeeding experience most women seem to be able to have with ease.
I also feel as though health professionals mis-sold breastfeeding to me too while I was still pregnant. They only ever told me about the positive side of it. They gave me no information around the obstacles that I could potentially face or any support when these obstacles became a reality for us. However, they were very quick to tell me the potential issues that could arise with formula feeding such as reflux, constipation and colic etc. Touch wood, my baby doesn't have any of those currently.

I have my postnatal check with the GP in the next few days so will mention how I'm feeling to them and also ask for advice and support around relactation too.

It is comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do, and I by no means feel as though formula is poison. I solely formula fed my first child through choice and have never felt an ounce of guilt around that decision. He is now a happy and healthy 5 year old and no one has ever asked me how he was fed as a baby, so that part is very true; no-one cares or can tell the difference when they grow up.

I'm the last person who would ever judge anyone for how they feed their children, through choice or otherwise, yet I'm struggling so much to not judge myself about something that really I've had no control over.

My mum was only able to breastfeed me for a few months, and I turned out mostly ok! My mum used to mention it when I had my babies, how she'd hoped to BF longer but her supply was very low, and in the end bottle feeding was fine.

Also just want to say... as a breastfeeding mum...don't romanticize the breastfeeding experience too much! It is lovely at times, yes, but also exhausting and sometimes embarrassing and difficult. And I'm sure bottle feeding has its beautiful moments, when you're cuddled up together and those little hands clutch the bottle.

Anyway try not to overthink it. Your baby will thrive because you love her, just like your son.

@PennyWus

My mum was only able to breastfeed me for a few months, and I turned out mostly ok! My mum used to mention it when I had my babies, how she'd hoped to BF longer but her supply was very low, and in the end bottle feeding was fine.

Also just want to say... as a breastfeeding mum...don't romanticize the breastfeeding experience too much! It is lovely at times, yes, but also exhausting and sometimes embarrassing and difficult. And I'm sure bottle feeding has its beautiful moments, when you're cuddled up together and those little hands clutch the bottle.

Anyway try not to overthink it. Your baby will thrive because you love her, just like your son.

Thank you, that is very true about the lovely moments of bottle feeding! It's precious when she looks up at me while she's having her milk and the amount of love I feel for her is out of this world, just as it was with my son. The bond I have with him is just as strong as the one I have with my daughter, regardless of how they were fed 😊

@Mynameisnew

Yes I had an identical situation on both children. On my second I was readmitted to the ward when he was a week old to try to relactate. On my first I pumped round the clock for six months, even into the night. I felt awful, really awful.

However I gave him what little I could pump, I softened the transition (in my mind) by accepting donated milk from the human milk for human babies facebook group, and I used an organic, British made formula. All of these things somehow made me feel I was trying to do my best for him and I slowly felt better, though PND had me suicidal for a while there.

When you are cuddling and kissing and smiling at your baby, tell yourself that she is drawing just as much nutrition from your love as she would from your breastmilk.

Bless you, it's so difficult isn't it?

You must have some amazing resilience to do that for 6 months despite feeling awful throughout. Did you have good support while you were expressing for those 6 months?
I'm hoping you are out of the other side of your PND?

We have lovely cuddles while bottle feeding, just as we did while breastfeeding. To be honest, they are probably nicer as they're more relaxed because I now know she's getting the nutrition she needs. However, the guilt still hangs over me. I'm hoping it will fade in time.

@soughsigh

I went down the same path. I tried really, really hard to BF but it wasn't successful and we completely switched to formula at 8 weeks. I think I felt a pang every time I looked at a breastfeeding woman for 6 months but it did fade.

It's awful and I can totally relate to your feelings about seeing a breastfeeding woman and that pang.

3 of my best friends are pregnant now and one is due next month; 2 of them have said that my experience with breastfeeding has completely put them off doing it when they have their babies and they'll be formula feeding from birth. That also makes me feel guilty as they could have a completely different experience to what I had and I feel as though I've inadvertently robbed them of even trying it with their children. They've reassured me they both hadn't really given much thought to breastfeeding, and that my experience has more just reinforced their thoughts around bottle feeding being better for them, however I didn't want to have any influence on them either way on how they feed their babies; that is something they should decide for themselves.

To echo what others have said, it really won't even be a consideration in a short time from now.
I breast fed both of mine for dc while my sil who had 2 dc of a similar age was unable to.
At the time she found it difficult and I used to try and feed before we met up and never discussed feeding etc

They are now all late teens and it's literally long forgotten! By the time they were pre school age it was becoming a distant memory for sil and she's raised 2 wonderful and very healthy children.

You are doing the best for your little one and she sounds content and very well fed

Been there and done it twice OP. I really feel for you and honestly I wouldn’t return to those difficult days for any amount of money - both of mine ended up on formula after less than a week - I was barely producing anything. The support just wasn’t really there and I felt horrific about it for ages.

The feelings of guilt, embarrassment and resentment towards those for whom BF works well are very real, believe me I’ve been through the entire emotional range! The only thing that helped me start to make peace with it was time. And knowing that I was never going to be able to feed a baby exclusively with what God gave me bad I literally couldn’t have done any more.

Give it some time and go easy on yourself. The hurt will fade a little each day xx

Just to say I understand. In our head we know ‘fed is best’ etc but if your heart was set in breastfeeding and that journey is cut short at any point, it is like a grief. Take time to grieve.

Thank you all so so much! @Amammai yeah it is definitely like a feeling of loss/grief but no one else has seemed to understand that! I'm so glad that this is a space where there are a lot of likeminded people 😊 I don't feel daft now for feeling as though I've lost something.

That must've been really hard for both you and your SIL @crosbystillsandmash but it's great that as time passed it became a distant memory! You both did amazingly!

@Vursayles yes, feeling resentment has also been a horrible part of it as it's not something I want to feel towards women who breastfeed, but I just keep thinking "how is it so easy for them?". Then again, I have no idea about their circumstances either and for all I know they could be struggling too.